Aw the best!
I'll leave you with the best character in any film this year, Jamie the Press Secretary:
Live Stuff
13 years ago
Thursday 31 December 2009
Wednesday 30 December 2009
Cold Souls
Right so (deep breath) we've got Paul Giamatti playing himself and he goes and has his soul removed because in this reality they can do that and then the soul gets stolen and traded on the Russian black market so Giamatti, with the help of a soul mule, sets out to get it back all the while carrying intense sorrow after having the soul of a Russian factory worker that he thought was a poet's inserted into him. I say "Hello Mr. Kaufman love the new zany idea. Only you're not Charlie, in fact you're not even a man. What have you done with Charlie?" and so on and so on.
Cold Souls is, in fact, the debut feature from writer/director Sophie Barthes and is no where near the Kaufman-esque romp that the synopsis suggests. It is, rather, a far darker, slower and more ponderous film than anything Hollywood's chief "quirk composer" has ever turned out.
It's a very assured film, indeed it's a shock that it's Barthes first. The material is handled cleverly, never looking to descend into the farce this could so easily have been. In fact it's quite a sober treatment on the idea of a soul trade. This is a world where the ultimate commodity is now being exploited and people are literally selling souls, just not their own. Thankfully it never becomes heavy handed in its message. It's also quite funny, although in more subtle ways than the set up would suggest. Witness Giamatti's chick pea like soul or the alarm when he realises it's being used by a soap actress. He worries about the damage that may cause.
It's Giamatti that's the main draw in Cold Souls. He is wonderful sending up himself and his position within Hollywood. It's a performance that papers over a few of the film's cracks. The style may be impressive but it also works against the film at times. It drags a little and kind of peters out. In a way it's all a little too self-consciously "indie" for its own good. In the end though it's a clever, thoughtful and creative little film that marks Barthes as one to watch.
Ruud at TIFF 2009 Part 6 Inc. Review of The Informant!
Lets return to the, totally irelavent now, TIFF diary that started ages ago and was experienced even longer ago. For the sake of completeness i shall soldier on.
The day in the library was pretty samey with the one thing that stands out was a member of the press telling us that were working that the new George Clooney/Jason Reitman film Up In The Air was a wonderful film. Its great when these guys give their opinions out, they are so knowledgeable and passionate. I now want to see Up In The Air, it was on my radar faintly as something i wouldnt mind seeing it now rockets up the leaderboard to be something i must see. Also i generally shot the shit with my coworkers which is always a blast.
Oh, how could i forget, Drew Barrymore was in the hotel doing a press conference for her directorial debut, Whip It, which is a film about roller derbys. A rumour filtered up to us in the screening library that Barrymore was getting photos taken a few rooms along from us so we staked out the door way in the hope of a glimpse. Sadly I think we were given a bum steer as a fair amount of time passed and no Josie Grossy appeared.
note: Josey Grossy was her characters nickname in a guilty pleasure film of mine, that being Never Been Kissed.
Lets move on however because all my TIFF excitement on day 6 happened after my shift. To give some context to my post, my good lady had a day off her work so was looking forward to me coming home early to spend some time together.
However, I had Steven Soderburgh's new film on my mind. So I walked down to Ryerson University (where the film was playing) to see what the crowd was like. The queue was pretty huge so i sat on the wall in the rush queue and hummed and hawed about going in. I was going to go home but then i was offered a free ticket from someone in the queue. I took it and thought "if it sucks and im not really into it i will leave after half an hour" i even text the girl words to that effect. I did this thinking and texting while walking into the theatre.
I took my seat about halfway down the left hand side of the theatre, on the last seat, it was a still a good seat as it was a narrow auditorium so though i wasnt head on i wasnt far off it. Well you could knock me over with a feather with what happened mext, you wont believe who was sitting roughly ten rows directly in front of me, only father son directors Ivan (Ghostbusters) Reitman and his son Jason (he of Juno and Thank You For Smoking fame, also Up In The Air; the film which has come with great recommendations as i mentioned earlier in this post) More on those guys later. Heres a review of The Informant!
The Informant! follows the story of Mark Whiteacre, a whistleblower on his own company back in the 1990s. On the surface thats what its all about, however like most things its actually a little deeper than that but unlike other whistleblower dramas (The Informer and.....eh, hmmm....) Mark's story which unfolds before us is a little different. In fact Steven Soderbergh has created a slice of absurd comedy gold from the themes of corporate corruption.
The casting is terrific, all the minor roles are picked up by faces you will undoubtedly know from sitcoms and cult comedy films from previous years, Patton Oswalt (King of Queens), Tony Hale (Arrested Development), Melanie Lynskey (Two and a Half Men) etc. but they all play the absurdity of the situation totally dead on straight making their turns all the funnier. Melanie Lynskey i suppose has more than a bit part as she plays Mark's wife but as she is probably most famous for her turn in Charlie Sheens sitcom vehicle she makes the point better than most.
As the FBI agents assigned to Whiteacre's case, Scott Bakula and Joel McHale are excellent, the deadpan style of the acting in the film not bucked by either. their constant flabergasted expressions as the story unravels is a joy to watch.
If it feels like i am skirting over the cast performance rather quickly its because I am eager to get to Matt Damons performance as it blows every other one off the screen. I would usually be reluctant to say (because 1. who listens to me and 2. it would really bother me if i gave a bum steer on this) but for this performance i dont care, i wil just come out and say it. Damon's performance in this is Oscar worthy. It really is sublime, to play someone who is on the edge of their nerves with such terrific comedy timing is a credit to him. If the advertisers are trying to pin this film on a "hey look at damon and his funny moustache" then it is a shame as his acting performance is really all it needs to sell it. If the Bourne series proved that Damon had it in him to be an action star then this simply proves that he has the chops to pull off anything else. Awesome.
I should also mention the score of the film which is delightful. A zany 70's style quirky intrumental style music for a 90's set whistle blower movie may seem odd in the extreme, however when the musics relevence dawns upon you it all makes sense. Sucha clever idea used to highlight one of the films themes. The script is also tops, the internal voice inside Mark's head says the most mundane of factoids for no real reason and the way the story builds to a such a dizzying climax is a testament to the terrific plotting. A smashing return to the mainstream for Soderburgh.
I have mentioned the fact that advertisers seem to be pinning the success of this movie on a fat faced and a moustachioed Damon girning from the posters. This niceley ties into the point i was making on a previous TIFF post about poster design.
Take the poster above its the poster most commonly seen for this movie are of the plump faced star with a tache looking absently out, but there is another (in fact there is probably loads, films have hundreds and hundreds of posters now) and it is far more intersting. Its this:
This is the first poster i saw to promote the film, and it actually represents the story a lot better and sums up the point i was trying to make in earlier posts. I really have had my head turned in this poster thing. I mean this poster depicts a bit of madness, a bit of a split personality in our main character, it talks in pictures of plot and theme. Its a good poster. I guess the more generic orange one does that too but more powerfully it says "MATT DAMON IS IN THIS AND HE HAD A FAT FACE AND A MOUSTACHE, THAT WILL MAKE HIM FUNNY, THIS IS A FUNNY MOVIE AND IT HAS A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD STAR IN IT, AND HE HAS A MOUSTACHE, THATS FUNNY, GO SEE IT" which kind of isnt what its all about.
Also it has text over the face, thats kind of ugly, no? But we have to get the big Damon mug to plug the film but also say something so it jsut goes over the top, quite aesthetically displeasing. Thing is, it kinda gives the wrong impression because this is an intelligent movie thats funny. It has a point. It should be seen because its a good film with great performances not just becuase Matt Damon is hot property right now and ate loads of burgers to look different and sports a stache (have i nailed the point home enough?) hey, and listen, if Damon isnt on your radar or you find him irritating is some way (people do i expect) then the time has come to bury the hatchet because Damon is in the A league in his generation. Up there with the Clooney class, and should be lauded. Ace film, make a bee line to see it.
After the film i scooted home to face the wrath of my dear mrs. I took my lumps though because i am glad i saw the movie and also i saw the Reitmans which i clean forgot about and will tidy up in the next instalment.
cheers for reading
The day in the library was pretty samey with the one thing that stands out was a member of the press telling us that were working that the new George Clooney/Jason Reitman film Up In The Air was a wonderful film. Its great when these guys give their opinions out, they are so knowledgeable and passionate. I now want to see Up In The Air, it was on my radar faintly as something i wouldnt mind seeing it now rockets up the leaderboard to be something i must see. Also i generally shot the shit with my coworkers which is always a blast.
Oh, how could i forget, Drew Barrymore was in the hotel doing a press conference for her directorial debut, Whip It, which is a film about roller derbys. A rumour filtered up to us in the screening library that Barrymore was getting photos taken a few rooms along from us so we staked out the door way in the hope of a glimpse. Sadly I think we were given a bum steer as a fair amount of time passed and no Josie Grossy appeared.
note: Josey Grossy was her characters nickname in a guilty pleasure film of mine, that being Never Been Kissed.
Lets move on however because all my TIFF excitement on day 6 happened after my shift. To give some context to my post, my good lady had a day off her work so was looking forward to me coming home early to spend some time together.
However, I had Steven Soderburgh's new film on my mind. So I walked down to Ryerson University (where the film was playing) to see what the crowd was like. The queue was pretty huge so i sat on the wall in the rush queue and hummed and hawed about going in. I was going to go home but then i was offered a free ticket from someone in the queue. I took it and thought "if it sucks and im not really into it i will leave after half an hour" i even text the girl words to that effect. I did this thinking and texting while walking into the theatre.
I took my seat about halfway down the left hand side of the theatre, on the last seat, it was a still a good seat as it was a narrow auditorium so though i wasnt head on i wasnt far off it. Well you could knock me over with a feather with what happened mext, you wont believe who was sitting roughly ten rows directly in front of me, only father son directors Ivan (Ghostbusters) Reitman and his son Jason (he of Juno and Thank You For Smoking fame, also Up In The Air; the film which has come with great recommendations as i mentioned earlier in this post) More on those guys later. Heres a review of The Informant!
The Informant! follows the story of Mark Whiteacre, a whistleblower on his own company back in the 1990s. On the surface thats what its all about, however like most things its actually a little deeper than that but unlike other whistleblower dramas (The Informer and.....eh, hmmm....) Mark's story which unfolds before us is a little different. In fact Steven Soderbergh has created a slice of absurd comedy gold from the themes of corporate corruption.
The casting is terrific, all the minor roles are picked up by faces you will undoubtedly know from sitcoms and cult comedy films from previous years, Patton Oswalt (King of Queens), Tony Hale (Arrested Development), Melanie Lynskey (Two and a Half Men) etc. but they all play the absurdity of the situation totally dead on straight making their turns all the funnier. Melanie Lynskey i suppose has more than a bit part as she plays Mark's wife but as she is probably most famous for her turn in Charlie Sheens sitcom vehicle she makes the point better than most.
As the FBI agents assigned to Whiteacre's case, Scott Bakula and Joel McHale are excellent, the deadpan style of the acting in the film not bucked by either. their constant flabergasted expressions as the story unravels is a joy to watch.
If it feels like i am skirting over the cast performance rather quickly its because I am eager to get to Matt Damons performance as it blows every other one off the screen. I would usually be reluctant to say (because 1. who listens to me and 2. it would really bother me if i gave a bum steer on this) but for this performance i dont care, i wil just come out and say it. Damon's performance in this is Oscar worthy. It really is sublime, to play someone who is on the edge of their nerves with such terrific comedy timing is a credit to him. If the advertisers are trying to pin this film on a "hey look at damon and his funny moustache" then it is a shame as his acting performance is really all it needs to sell it. If the Bourne series proved that Damon had it in him to be an action star then this simply proves that he has the chops to pull off anything else. Awesome.
I should also mention the score of the film which is delightful. A zany 70's style quirky intrumental style music for a 90's set whistle blower movie may seem odd in the extreme, however when the musics relevence dawns upon you it all makes sense. Sucha clever idea used to highlight one of the films themes. The script is also tops, the internal voice inside Mark's head says the most mundane of factoids for no real reason and the way the story builds to a such a dizzying climax is a testament to the terrific plotting. A smashing return to the mainstream for Soderburgh.
I have mentioned the fact that advertisers seem to be pinning the success of this movie on a fat faced and a moustachioed Damon girning from the posters. This niceley ties into the point i was making on a previous TIFF post about poster design.
Take the poster above its the poster most commonly seen for this movie are of the plump faced star with a tache looking absently out, but there is another (in fact there is probably loads, films have hundreds and hundreds of posters now) and it is far more intersting. Its this:
This is the first poster i saw to promote the film, and it actually represents the story a lot better and sums up the point i was trying to make in earlier posts. I really have had my head turned in this poster thing. I mean this poster depicts a bit of madness, a bit of a split personality in our main character, it talks in pictures of plot and theme. Its a good poster. I guess the more generic orange one does that too but more powerfully it says "MATT DAMON IS IN THIS AND HE HAD A FAT FACE AND A MOUSTACHE, THAT WILL MAKE HIM FUNNY, THIS IS A FUNNY MOVIE AND IT HAS A MAJOR HOLLYWOOD STAR IN IT, AND HE HAS A MOUSTACHE, THATS FUNNY, GO SEE IT" which kind of isnt what its all about.
Also it has text over the face, thats kind of ugly, no? But we have to get the big Damon mug to plug the film but also say something so it jsut goes over the top, quite aesthetically displeasing. Thing is, it kinda gives the wrong impression because this is an intelligent movie thats funny. It has a point. It should be seen because its a good film with great performances not just becuase Matt Damon is hot property right now and ate loads of burgers to look different and sports a stache (have i nailed the point home enough?) hey, and listen, if Damon isnt on your radar or you find him irritating is some way (people do i expect) then the time has come to bury the hatchet because Damon is in the A league in his generation. Up there with the Clooney class, and should be lauded. Ace film, make a bee line to see it.
After the film i scooted home to face the wrath of my dear mrs. I took my lumps though because i am glad i saw the movie and also i saw the Reitmans which i clean forgot about and will tidy up in the next instalment.
cheers for reading
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number 30 Is.........
A normal advent calendar has 24 days, 24 doors. modern calendars have weirdly 31 doors taking it up to Hogmanay. I dont understand that.
Ours had 24 days. Cos thats cool.
But today i say a gid video and it cany wait til next year. Cos its funny.
Ours had 24 days. Cos thats cool.
But today i say a gid video and it cany wait til next year. Cos its funny.
The Trio - It's Christmas Time from Allan Bannerman on Vimeo.
Tuesday 29 December 2009
The Hurt Locker
I went and missed The Hurt Locker when it was in the pictures but that's it out on DVD and the like now. It's an incredibly tense film about bomb disposal experts stationed in Iraq. The performances from a bunch of virtual unknowns are universally excellent. But the main props must go to Kathryn Bigelow whose direction is Oscar worthy. Of course she probably won't win, something to do with her having breasts I think. What she has done is create an incredibly claustrophobic experience through an almost documentary like style as she places the hand held cameras right in the action. Only rarely does she break from this for the odd cinematic flourish or perfectly composed shot, but you're pulled so far into the story that they fail to break you out of it.
I suppose the easy comparison is Apocalypse Now, Hurt Locker being the modern day Iraq war update. It indeed shares that movie's eye for the haunting image. But this is no "war is hell" trip. It asks you to question what it's saying. This is mainly thanks to the character of James who it appears is addicted to his job. What's so pertinent about the film is that it doesn't say that that is necessarily a bad thing. Shouldn't a man do what he loves?
Basically what I'm saying is; Go, go and do what you do (legally) to see The Hurt Locker. It's one of the most gripping, intelligent and outright brilliant films you'll see all year.
Monday 28 December 2009
CT 8: East Meets Watts (Live)
Those guys and gals at Cinematic Titanic have been away from the DVD releasing schedules for quite a while now. The reason? Because they've been touring the live version of CT like the clappers so they have. They've been doing some of the already available episodes and new films not yet tackled. East Meets Watts is one of these new films and forms the basis of the first live show show to be filmed and released.
At first the new format is a bit of a shock. There's laughter, the performers are visible instead of silhouettes and there's no Dave "Gruber" Allan featuring wrap-a-round story. But that shock quickly abates thanks to one cheesy kung fu 70's-a-thon of a movie and some of the funniest riffing yet from CT.
Seriously, the sample provided by CT doesn't do this justice. The movie does a lot of the work for them of course. Bad hairdos, worse clothing, humongous cars and the sort of jive patter only 70's TV and film characters ever spoke are all to be expected. Add some dodgy dubbing (a scene begins with a character clearly speaking but with no sound, there's no need to even riff it it's so funny), unglamourous locations ("the letter said meet me at the gravel pit in America"), frankly erratic editing ("Hi, I'm a houseplant") and some shite stunt work ("Lucky they jumped on an edit") and it's an entertaining ninety minutes by itself.
Instead all of this just acts as perfect riffing fodder. Plus the riffers are clearly feeding off of the crowd that gives the riffing an energy sometimes lacking in the studio editions. This is also the case on Rifftrax's live DVD of Plan 9 From Outer Space as well. Having people react to the jokes, plus the added pressure of flubbing your lines, seems to do them good. Plus CT has now been going for a while and as such the writing has gotten stronger. Some of the observations in this are incredible, such as the Asian boy band Out Of Sync, that the mute woman must have shrunk because her mirror is placed slightly too tall for her and that the easiest way to get a law named after you is to pick up some hitch hikers. In fact the whole "journey" portion of the movie, two trucks, a jog whilst handcuffed together through some unappealing woods and the final lift from a stranger produces some of the funniest material of the whole show. There's also one visual gag that could only work live brought about by the movie's nonchalant racism towards the black and Chinese lead characters.
All in all this is probably Cinematic Titanic's finest offering yet. A goofy, fun movie, a change of format and some fantastic riffing make for a must see. The one minor grumble is that it makes you want to see them live in a desperate sort of way. Sadly geography has a key role to play in shafting that one for some of us. That disappointment will be short lived though if they don't wait so long to release another DVD. Seriously, eight months was way too long.
East Meets Watts, and the previous seven Cinematic Titanic episodes, are available to buy on DVD or download here.
Xmas Riffing Update
Rifftrax went and released a further three Christmas shorts after I posted the roundup of Xmas riffs. They are Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Dream and The Night Before Christmas.
Thursday 24 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 24
It's Christmas and you know what that means! It's time for the greatest Crimbo song ever courtesy of Mystery Science theater 3000. I am, of course, talking about the Roadhouse based Xmas Carol A Patrick Swayze Christmas.
Obviously the events of this year have made this an even more poignant song and what better film to base a Christmas song on than the one that features Swayze at his most Swayziest.
So here's to Splice's first Hero Of Cheese and to all of you a merry Christmas:
Obviously the events of this year have made this an even more poignant song and what better film to base a Christmas song on than the one that features Swayze at his most Swayziest.
So here's to Splice's first Hero Of Cheese and to all of you a merry Christmas:
Wednesday 23 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Twenty Three Is.........
Shirley Temple
This is my new favourite Christmas song.
Merry Christmas readers
This is my new favourite Christmas song.
Merry Christmas readers
Tuesday 22 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 22
Right so to the last of our Xmas movies and an all time classic, often regarded as the finest Christmas film, It's A Wonderful Life starring the God-like Jimmy Stewart.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I miss Tudor crisps, I mean they were just so damn tasty. Everything good always goes away". You're also thinking "but I thought you were looking for perfect 'Bah Humbug' film so why are you looking at the most feel good Yuletide flick ever?" and it's a good question. In fact, both are.
You see my memories of It's A Wonderful Life from when I was younger are entirely framed by another essential Yuletide watch Gremlins, that cynical little gem. That and Phoebe from Friends' description of it in the episode where she finally sees the ending of Old Yeller and loses all faith in movies. She basically sums it up as bleak and fixates on his ear.
Of course actually seeing it makes you realise that it's really very lovely and all that.
But then I read in last week's Sunday Herald Arts section about a review of the film by Wendell Jamieson of the New York Times that he wrote last year:
"(it's) a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to his grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife."
Ol' Jamieson sounds like my kind of chap. I thought after reading this "do you know what, he might be right" so I whipped out my copy of It's A Wonderful Life and braced myself for the greatest Bah Humbug film ever.
Only it's not is it?
No matter how correct all that stuff might be it's still such a heart-warming, brilliantly done film. And as such it's no fucking good to me this holiday season is it? I want to be left alone in my own embitterment. This isn't going to help me do that. Christ, the end is bloody lovely!
It's A Wonderful Life may well be the greatest Xmas film ever. As it stands Elves is better than it. But that's coming from my horrible, dark little Christmas Corner. I'd say join me in it, but I don't want you to.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I miss Tudor crisps, I mean they were just so damn tasty. Everything good always goes away". You're also thinking "but I thought you were looking for perfect 'Bah Humbug' film so why are you looking at the most feel good Yuletide flick ever?" and it's a good question. In fact, both are.
You see my memories of It's A Wonderful Life from when I was younger are entirely framed by another essential Yuletide watch Gremlins, that cynical little gem. That and Phoebe from Friends' description of it in the episode where she finally sees the ending of Old Yeller and loses all faith in movies. She basically sums it up as bleak and fixates on his ear.
Of course actually seeing it makes you realise that it's really very lovely and all that.
But then I read in last week's Sunday Herald Arts section about a review of the film by Wendell Jamieson of the New York Times that he wrote last year:
"(it's) a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to his grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife."
Ol' Jamieson sounds like my kind of chap. I thought after reading this "do you know what, he might be right" so I whipped out my copy of It's A Wonderful Life and braced myself for the greatest Bah Humbug film ever.
Only it's not is it?
No matter how correct all that stuff might be it's still such a heart-warming, brilliantly done film. And as such it's no fucking good to me this holiday season is it? I want to be left alone in my own embitterment. This isn't going to help me do that. Christ, the end is bloody lovely!
It's A Wonderful Life may well be the greatest Xmas film ever. As it stands Elves is better than it. But that's coming from my horrible, dark little Christmas Corner. I'd say join me in it, but I don't want you to.
Monday 21 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Twenty One Is.........
Jack Bauer
I love a good Kiefer Sutherland drunk photo so i do. The man is an excellent boozehound i think. Today i will post a video you may well have seen as it has been pretty popular over the past week but i will post it here for posterity and it will remain forever more. Its a deleted scene from 24.
I love a good Kiefer Sutherland drunk photo so i do. The man is an excellent boozehound i think. Today i will post a video you may well have seen as it has been pretty popular over the past week but i will post it here for posterity and it will remain forever more. Its a deleted scene from 24.
Sunday 20 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 20
Christmas is a time for laughs and with most television comedy being utter shite I thought I'd look at a type of comedy I love, riffing on bad movies. The main reason is because there are so many Xmas riffs available from the collective riffing groups of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic. As such I thought I'd have a look at what's available.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (Episode 321)
First up MST3K's first stab at a Christmas special and it features a classic of bad movie proportions. When a bunch of Martians decide that they need to bring joy to their robotic kids (or is that just robotic kid actors?) they fly to Earth and kidnap Santa. They also take a couple of annoying Earth kids so they don't tell anyone of their plan although they instantly shaft the plan up the pie hole by leaving Mrs. Claus and the elves alive. Whoops. What follows is the goofiest, wackiest most boring film your kids could ever wish for. Santa cracks some bad puns, a baddie Martian continuously tries to murder Kringle and thekids and we meet Droppo, the comic relief. Oh Droppo why? Imagine an even less likable Rob Schneider caked in green makeup prancing about with the grace of Giant Haystacks in high heels and you're still nowhere near the horror of this performance. The whole movie is available to view on Youtube unriffed if you're some sort of masochist or something here.
Thanks to this and a number of sketches that have gone down in Mistie lore as classics this episode is well loved.
That said the riffing isn't always at the strongest that they managed to muster during season 3 of the show. As such it also tops many an over rated episode poll. It's still a very good episode though and one well worth seeing, especially for the movie and skits. Be warned though, the movie has been known to make kids act violently towards parents who let them see it!
Santa Claus (Episode 521)
MST's second Xmas episode isn't based on the Dudley Moore film but rather a 1950's Mexican movie that presents maybe the most bizarre telling of the Santa myth, sorry, Santa legend. Seriously, the only way to describe this movie is that it's effin nuts! Santa Claus Conquers The Martians sounds like a nutty extravaganza but no matter its set-up it's actually quite a boring film. That can't be said about this one. Santa lives in a magic sky castle and is surrounded with all sorts of weird inventions. He ends up doing battle with one of the Devil's minions called Pitch, who's out to corrupt the children of the world, sorry three Mexican brats. Santa seems to have the ability to just magic up some sort of power as he needs it, like the flower that makes him disappear or the various magic powders that allow him to alter the dreams of kids and stuff. Oh and Merlin turns up as well.
The movie's insane charm, the guys who made it are some sort of crazy creative geniuses, coupled with top riffing make this one of MST's best episodes. It came at a time where the show seemed to do no wrong, and even the changing of a host didn't derail it.
Rifftrax
Nestor The Long Eared Christmas Donkey
Come on, you know the story of the hideously deformed animal mocked by his peers until he is finally accepted after he is chosen to guide an important figure at Christmas. That's right, Nestor is so beloved...no, wait, he isn't. That's someone else. Nestor's one of those stop-motion animations from the 70's. It's a bit rubbish and is perfect riffing fodder. Be warned though, it features donkey death, a very unsubtle racial metaphor and some of the most cynical Xmas riffing you could hope to hear. If you love this time of year don't watch this. It'll turn you!
Star Wars Holiday Special
Oh the humanity!
You may never have seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. You may have never even heard of it. This infamous Xmas special was created to cash in on the original film's huge success and features pretty much the whole cast, albeit in cameo roles as that's all they could get through before the embarrassment/coke got the better of them.
So what is it exactly? Well, it's a two hour mess! You know how people talk about the idea that the makers of The Clangers were all high when they did it but of course they weren't because drugs wouldn't have led to such a great show? This is the results of actually being high and then making a TV show. A TWO HOUR TV show. The main story sees Han and Chewie attempt to make it back to the latter's home planet for "Life Day". Sadly we get to meet Chewie's family, which consist of his feminine version of him wife, frankly disturbing jaw dominated father and his son, Lumpy. He's meant to be cute...
They essentially act as a wraparound story for various bizarre sketches featuring lame comics from yesteryear, the band Jefferson Starship and Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls. Singing. Oh and a very bad little animation that appears to be the template for Droids and Ewoks that features Boba Fett and as such fans claim it's the only good thing in this. It's actually piss poor and goes absolutely nowhere. The love comes purely from all those sad SW fans who masturbate furiously over the bounty hunter. The whole special is, to put it simply, the most hellish thing ever made and as such Lucas has done his best to erase it from history.
But bootlegs still exist, and it is one of these that Mike, Kevin and Bill riff on. It's available to view in full or download on Google Video. Rather brilliantly the video also features very old 70's American commercials which they riff on as well. Sadly it isn't the version that is the source of one of South Park's most obscure references, the whole "fighting the frizzies" thing.
The Star Wars Holiday Special really is something you have to see, whether a fan of the films or not. Be warned though, if you are it may shake your faith. It stands as proof that Lucas really couldn't be trusted and the only reason the original trilogy didn'nt suck hard was because others directed Empire and Jedi. Watching it without the Rifftrax may lead to mental scarring though so make sure you pop over to their site and download it. It's one of their funniest efforts, and even though the thing they're riffing on gives them a lot to work with it must have been hell watching this over and over again.
Seriously make this one of the comedy highlights of your Yuletide. Much better than a My Family Xmas Special anyway.
A Visit To Santa
A Visit to Satan more like. In this little short from Rifftrax that appears to be the closest we'll ever come to "A David Lynch Christmas" we see suicidal elves, toys without souls and a murderous Santa who lives in Pasadena and uses a magic helicopter and a rocket to get about on account of all the shopping centres he must visit. The music is enough to chill you to the bone.
Christmas Toyshop
Another nightmarish hell vision boiled down into ten minutes of Xmas "cheer" that will have your kids fearing and loathing you in equal measures this yuletide. In it a ghostly elf being uses magic dust to keep some kids asleep while their ex-Stooge of a father attempts to set up the tree and gifts. The powder brings on a hallucination in which the real Santa, also a bumbling twonk of a man, recants a tale to the kids told through the wondrous tool of shoddy animation. In it a be-top-hatted spider/dog kidnaps a Little Miss Muffit doll and a bunch of toy soldiers murder it by throwing it off a shelf so that all of its limbs break off. The kids are unfazed by this and look forward to Christmas morning anyway. Your kids may not be so unshakable.
Christmas Rhapsody
This year's Rifftrax Xmas short sees us narrated at by an insignificant fir tree. Oh how he goes on about how rubbish he is. Then some forresters come with saws and I think you can guess the ending...
Cinematic Titanic
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (yes they redone it as if the first time wasn't painful enough)
That's right, you can sit through Santa's obliteration of an extraterrestrial people once again! And now there's extra scenes!
Alright he doesn't kill anyone, although Droppo should have been smothered in his bloody sleep. The film's the exact same, only more so, but the riffs are all new and might even be slightly stronger than the original MST ones. There's only one sketch and it's merely humourous but that doesn't matter. The CT way of riffing is different enough from the MST way that it's well worth watching both for Christmas.
Just don't blame me if the movie disintegrates your eyeballs.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (Episode 321)
First up MST3K's first stab at a Christmas special and it features a classic of bad movie proportions. When a bunch of Martians decide that they need to bring joy to their robotic kids (or is that just robotic kid actors?) they fly to Earth and kidnap Santa. They also take a couple of annoying Earth kids so they don't tell anyone of their plan although they instantly shaft the plan up the pie hole by leaving Mrs. Claus and the elves alive. Whoops. What follows is the goofiest, wackiest most boring film your kids could ever wish for. Santa cracks some bad puns, a baddie Martian continuously tries to murder Kringle and thekids and we meet Droppo, the comic relief. Oh Droppo why? Imagine an even less likable Rob Schneider caked in green makeup prancing about with the grace of Giant Haystacks in high heels and you're still nowhere near the horror of this performance. The whole movie is available to view on Youtube unriffed if you're some sort of masochist or something here.
Thanks to this and a number of sketches that have gone down in Mistie lore as classics this episode is well loved.
That said the riffing isn't always at the strongest that they managed to muster during season 3 of the show. As such it also tops many an over rated episode poll. It's still a very good episode though and one well worth seeing, especially for the movie and skits. Be warned though, the movie has been known to make kids act violently towards parents who let them see it!
Santa Claus (Episode 521)
MST's second Xmas episode isn't based on the Dudley Moore film but rather a 1950's Mexican movie that presents maybe the most bizarre telling of the Santa myth, sorry, Santa legend. Seriously, the only way to describe this movie is that it's effin nuts! Santa Claus Conquers The Martians sounds like a nutty extravaganza but no matter its set-up it's actually quite a boring film. That can't be said about this one. Santa lives in a magic sky castle and is surrounded with all sorts of weird inventions. He ends up doing battle with one of the Devil's minions called Pitch, who's out to corrupt the children of the world, sorry three Mexican brats. Santa seems to have the ability to just magic up some sort of power as he needs it, like the flower that makes him disappear or the various magic powders that allow him to alter the dreams of kids and stuff. Oh and Merlin turns up as well.
The movie's insane charm, the guys who made it are some sort of crazy creative geniuses, coupled with top riffing make this one of MST's best episodes. It came at a time where the show seemed to do no wrong, and even the changing of a host didn't derail it.
Rifftrax
Nestor The Long Eared Christmas Donkey
Come on, you know the story of the hideously deformed animal mocked by his peers until he is finally accepted after he is chosen to guide an important figure at Christmas. That's right, Nestor is so beloved...no, wait, he isn't. That's someone else. Nestor's one of those stop-motion animations from the 70's. It's a bit rubbish and is perfect riffing fodder. Be warned though, it features donkey death, a very unsubtle racial metaphor and some of the most cynical Xmas riffing you could hope to hear. If you love this time of year don't watch this. It'll turn you!
Star Wars Holiday Special
Oh the humanity!
You may never have seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. You may have never even heard of it. This infamous Xmas special was created to cash in on the original film's huge success and features pretty much the whole cast, albeit in cameo roles as that's all they could get through before the embarrassment/coke got the better of them.
So what is it exactly? Well, it's a two hour mess! You know how people talk about the idea that the makers of The Clangers were all high when they did it but of course they weren't because drugs wouldn't have led to such a great show? This is the results of actually being high and then making a TV show. A TWO HOUR TV show. The main story sees Han and Chewie attempt to make it back to the latter's home planet for "Life Day". Sadly we get to meet Chewie's family, which consist of his feminine version of him wife, frankly disturbing jaw dominated father and his son, Lumpy. He's meant to be cute...
They essentially act as a wraparound story for various bizarre sketches featuring lame comics from yesteryear, the band Jefferson Starship and Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls. Singing. Oh and a very bad little animation that appears to be the template for Droids and Ewoks that features Boba Fett and as such fans claim it's the only good thing in this. It's actually piss poor and goes absolutely nowhere. The love comes purely from all those sad SW fans who masturbate furiously over the bounty hunter. The whole special is, to put it simply, the most hellish thing ever made and as such Lucas has done his best to erase it from history.
But bootlegs still exist, and it is one of these that Mike, Kevin and Bill riff on. It's available to view in full or download on Google Video. Rather brilliantly the video also features very old 70's American commercials which they riff on as well. Sadly it isn't the version that is the source of one of South Park's most obscure references, the whole "fighting the frizzies" thing.
The Star Wars Holiday Special really is something you have to see, whether a fan of the films or not. Be warned though, if you are it may shake your faith. It stands as proof that Lucas really couldn't be trusted and the only reason the original trilogy didn'nt suck hard was because others directed Empire and Jedi. Watching it without the Rifftrax may lead to mental scarring though so make sure you pop over to their site and download it. It's one of their funniest efforts, and even though the thing they're riffing on gives them a lot to work with it must have been hell watching this over and over again.
Seriously make this one of the comedy highlights of your Yuletide. Much better than a My Family Xmas Special anyway.
A Visit To Santa
A Visit to Satan more like. In this little short from Rifftrax that appears to be the closest we'll ever come to "A David Lynch Christmas" we see suicidal elves, toys without souls and a murderous Santa who lives in Pasadena and uses a magic helicopter and a rocket to get about on account of all the shopping centres he must visit. The music is enough to chill you to the bone.
Christmas Toyshop
Another nightmarish hell vision boiled down into ten minutes of Xmas "cheer" that will have your kids fearing and loathing you in equal measures this yuletide. In it a ghostly elf being uses magic dust to keep some kids asleep while their ex-Stooge of a father attempts to set up the tree and gifts. The powder brings on a hallucination in which the real Santa, also a bumbling twonk of a man, recants a tale to the kids told through the wondrous tool of shoddy animation. In it a be-top-hatted spider/dog kidnaps a Little Miss Muffit doll and a bunch of toy soldiers murder it by throwing it off a shelf so that all of its limbs break off. The kids are unfazed by this and look forward to Christmas morning anyway. Your kids may not be so unshakable.
Christmas Rhapsody
This year's Rifftrax Xmas short sees us narrated at by an insignificant fir tree. Oh how he goes on about how rubbish he is. Then some forresters come with saws and I think you can guess the ending...
Cinematic Titanic
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (yes they redone it as if the first time wasn't painful enough)
That's right, you can sit through Santa's obliteration of an extraterrestrial people once again! And now there's extra scenes!
Alright he doesn't kill anyone, although Droppo should have been smothered in his bloody sleep. The film's the exact same, only more so, but the riffs are all new and might even be slightly stronger than the original MST ones. There's only one sketch and it's merely humourous but that doesn't matter. The CT way of riffing is different enough from the MST way that it's well worth watching both for Christmas.
Just don't blame me if the movie disintegrates your eyeballs.
Saturday 19 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Nineteen Is.........
Bubbles
Bit of Canadian Christmas telly here, an episode of the Trailer Park Boys for you all to enjoy as we step inside the final week before the big day.
Bit of Canadian Christmas telly here, an episode of the Trailer Park Boys for you all to enjoy as we step inside the final week before the big day.
Friday 18 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 18
Right, how do you top Santa With Muscles and Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny? By switching to his Elves of course. Elves is one of those glorious straight to video late 80's films that you just have to see. It's utter rubbish but in a maniacally genius sort of way. Within the first twenty minutes we've seen Art Deco boobs, a cat's death at the hands of a toilet and a coked up Santa being murdered through the balls:
Basically the Nazis have created elves as the perfect soldiers and if one of them can get it on with a virgin of Nazi lineage on Xmas Eve he can sire the Anti-Christ. As they say the line between madness and genius...
Oh and the bible describes how elves are real:
This may be the perfect Xmas movie. Obviously I'm saying that through the perspective of the "Bah Humbug" filter. There's something for everyone (to hate), be it incest, elfin rape or corpse nibbling.
Show this movie to anyone and they won't only leave you alone for the festive period. They'll never talk to you again.
Basically the Nazis have created elves as the perfect soldiers and if one of them can get it on with a virgin of Nazi lineage on Xmas Eve he can sire the Anti-Christ. As they say the line between madness and genius...
Oh and the bible describes how elves are real:
This may be the perfect Xmas movie. Obviously I'm saying that through the perspective of the "Bah Humbug" filter. There's something for everyone (to hate), be it incest, elfin rape or corpse nibbling.
Show this movie to anyone and they won't only leave you alone for the festive period. They'll never talk to you again.
Thursday 17 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Seventeen Is.........
Lovejoy
What a turn around. I mean maybe Ian McShane had some sort of awesome career before the lamefest that was Lovejoy and it was just a return to form but I dont know right or wrong if that is true so basically im thinking that its a great turnaround in fortunes for the man that played an antique dealer on Sunday night BBC telly in the 1990s to become a guy who played a great American TV antihero of the last decade and also the star of a fair few pretty awesome films on both sides of the Atlantic.
That was a long long sentence which no doubt is replete with mistakes in spelling and punctuation. Sorry.
So as the time ticks down on this year its time to look forward to what could be the first great film you see next year. 44 Inch Chest. Due out midway through January in the UK its a British gangster film written by the writers of Sexy Beast. No further information is really needed. Except to say it also stars Mssrs Winstone, Hurt and Wilkinson.
Someone, has came up with a rather excellent trailer for this, it may be a bootleg, it may be official but it ties in rather nicely with our advent theme. Enjoy.
What a turn around. I mean maybe Ian McShane had some sort of awesome career before the lamefest that was Lovejoy and it was just a return to form but I dont know right or wrong if that is true so basically im thinking that its a great turnaround in fortunes for the man that played an antique dealer on Sunday night BBC telly in the 1990s to become a guy who played a great American TV antihero of the last decade and also the star of a fair few pretty awesome films on both sides of the Atlantic.
That was a long long sentence which no doubt is replete with mistakes in spelling and punctuation. Sorry.
So as the time ticks down on this year its time to look forward to what could be the first great film you see next year. 44 Inch Chest. Due out midway through January in the UK its a British gangster film written by the writers of Sexy Beast. No further information is really needed. Except to say it also stars Mssrs Winstone, Hurt and Wilkinson.
Someone, has came up with a rather excellent trailer for this, it may be a bootleg, it may be official but it ties in rather nicely with our advent theme. Enjoy.
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 16
Christmas Albums (or how I learned to stop worrying and dismiss Bob Dylan's festive pap-athon)
The Bob Dylan Christmas album, Christmas In The Heart is shite. There I said it you sycophants. It's bloody rubbish. And yet all those "hardcore" Dylan fans love it saying it's like brilliant and stuff. It's, like, so not. These same people are probably responsible for the five star Amazon reviews of albums like Empire Burlesque and Down In The Groove.
But I own all the Dylan albums, including those bad 80's ones. I've even got the Christian ones which may even be worse. As such the completest, read bloody idiot, in me made me buy this. So let's have a gander:
Now I know what you're thinking after watching that and the answer is yes, he's done a lot of drugs in his time. Must Be Santa is the sort of song that makes you cry out "what the bloody hell is this?" it's so bad. And yet that's probably what makes it somewhat enjoyable as well. It's fucking mental and that alone makes it a better Xmas song than most you'll hear blaring out in Sainsburys this year.
Musically the album's actually quite good thanks to Dylan's fantastic backing band that have been a major reason his recent output has sounded so rich. The problem is Dylan himself. Not because like when you see him live he's a curmudgeonly old git, no he's clearly having a bawl. It's his voice. It was always akin to a goose being raped whilst dragged through a foghorn bush or whatever that saying is but as he's continued to not die it has become exceptionally nasally and crackly. That works fine on his own stuff but here he sounds like an old jakey staggering through the freezing fog singing popular carols in an attempt to raise the cash for a bottle of wine so he can celebrate Xmas properly. It's not really what you want at Christmas is it? Unless you're an ex-pat pining for a Scottish Yuletide, the local winos not quite living up to your expectations. Then this album is for you.
I'm not going to criticise the decision of Dylan to finally cash in on this time of year. Virtually everyone else has so why not Bob? Bare in mind this is the guy who put out a £90 version of his last Bootleg Tapes set with an exclusive CD of material only found in that box. It's not a shock on other words. The simple fact is that the album isn't very good but it is a bit of fun. Nobody involved is taking it seriously, apart maybe from Mr. Zimmerman's accountant, as this photo from the inside sleeve suggests:
They're faces seem to be saying "are we really doing this?" Why yes, yes you are. Merry Commercial Christmas Bob Dylan's backing band.
If you want an Xmas record that doesn't get played to death in the supermarkets, yet is also brilliant and heartfelt check out Low's Christmas. It's downbeat, sparse and bloody beautiful. Opener Just Like Christmas is one of the finest Xmas songs ever and their version of Blue Christmas should be considered the definitive one.
What better way to mark the tenth anniversary of this remarkable wee record than picking it up?
If Low floats your boat then you're a misery guts just like me. Check this out then, the saddest Xmas song ever, Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis by Tom Waits:
(This is a live version with a bit of Silent Night at the start)
The Bob Dylan Christmas album, Christmas In The Heart is shite. There I said it you sycophants. It's bloody rubbish. And yet all those "hardcore" Dylan fans love it saying it's like brilliant and stuff. It's, like, so not. These same people are probably responsible for the five star Amazon reviews of albums like Empire Burlesque and Down In The Groove.
But I own all the Dylan albums, including those bad 80's ones. I've even got the Christian ones which may even be worse. As such the completest, read bloody idiot, in me made me buy this. So let's have a gander:
Now I know what you're thinking after watching that and the answer is yes, he's done a lot of drugs in his time. Must Be Santa is the sort of song that makes you cry out "what the bloody hell is this?" it's so bad. And yet that's probably what makes it somewhat enjoyable as well. It's fucking mental and that alone makes it a better Xmas song than most you'll hear blaring out in Sainsburys this year.
Musically the album's actually quite good thanks to Dylan's fantastic backing band that have been a major reason his recent output has sounded so rich. The problem is Dylan himself. Not because like when you see him live he's a curmudgeonly old git, no he's clearly having a bawl. It's his voice. It was always akin to a goose being raped whilst dragged through a foghorn bush or whatever that saying is but as he's continued to not die it has become exceptionally nasally and crackly. That works fine on his own stuff but here he sounds like an old jakey staggering through the freezing fog singing popular carols in an attempt to raise the cash for a bottle of wine so he can celebrate Xmas properly. It's not really what you want at Christmas is it? Unless you're an ex-pat pining for a Scottish Yuletide, the local winos not quite living up to your expectations. Then this album is for you.
I'm not going to criticise the decision of Dylan to finally cash in on this time of year. Virtually everyone else has so why not Bob? Bare in mind this is the guy who put out a £90 version of his last Bootleg Tapes set with an exclusive CD of material only found in that box. It's not a shock on other words. The simple fact is that the album isn't very good but it is a bit of fun. Nobody involved is taking it seriously, apart maybe from Mr. Zimmerman's accountant, as this photo from the inside sleeve suggests:
They're faces seem to be saying "are we really doing this?" Why yes, yes you are. Merry Commercial Christmas Bob Dylan's backing band.
If you want an Xmas record that doesn't get played to death in the supermarkets, yet is also brilliant and heartfelt check out Low's Christmas. It's downbeat, sparse and bloody beautiful. Opener Just Like Christmas is one of the finest Xmas songs ever and their version of Blue Christmas should be considered the definitive one.
What better way to mark the tenth anniversary of this remarkable wee record than picking it up?
If Low floats your boat then you're a misery guts just like me. Check this out then, the saddest Xmas song ever, Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis by Tom Waits:
(This is a live version with a bit of Silent Night at the start)
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Fifteen Is.........
Ross Geller
The show Friends is a bit of a behemouth really, it was huge for a time and still gets plenty of people watching it if it is on. its one of those great shows that can be watched out of sequence easily. Its maybe the best background white noise ever. Over the course of its ten (?) seasons (series'!!!!!!!!!!) the characters evolved but mostly devolved. Watching now its all over its sad how retarded Joey got, Phoebe got really irritating, Monica too. But Ross, good old Ross got better and better for some reason. Agree?
But enough of a Friends retrspective, advent calendar is about Christmas so here in three parts is the best Friends christmas episode from the last decade. Still funny. In fact there was a guy i worked with who had almost memorised the three way exchange of Ross, Chandler and Joey dressed up. This may sound pathetic but its surprising how relaxing and soothing it can be to hear Friends regurgitated in the basement workplace.
The show Friends is a bit of a behemouth really, it was huge for a time and still gets plenty of people watching it if it is on. its one of those great shows that can be watched out of sequence easily. Its maybe the best background white noise ever. Over the course of its ten (?) seasons (series'!!!!!!!!!!) the characters evolved but mostly devolved. Watching now its all over its sad how retarded Joey got, Phoebe got really irritating, Monica too. But Ross, good old Ross got better and better for some reason. Agree?
But enough of a Friends retrspective, advent calendar is about Christmas so here in three parts is the best Friends christmas episode from the last decade. Still funny. In fact there was a guy i worked with who had almost memorised the three way exchange of Ross, Chandler and Joey dressed up. This may sound pathetic but its surprising how relaxing and soothing it can be to hear Friends regurgitated in the basement workplace.
Monday 14 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 14
On with another Xmas film your family should hate you for this holiday, the subject of a Splice Live Tweet-a-thon or whatever, Hulk Hogan's Santa With Muscles:
If you're of a certain vintage the Hulkster will be something of a hero to you. On the wrestling he used to bash the bad guys and go mental in interviews so as a kid you loved him. And as such you then dragged your parents to see movies starring him. That meant those poor sods sitting through Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny. They'd be thankful then that the third of this unholy triumvirate, Santa With Muscles, never made it to these shores.
But what about now? I have to admit to slightly enjoying watching this, but it seems that was a result of the nostalgia it thrust into my mind area rather than any quality on show. It reminded me of those trips to the pictures when I was a wee kid.
Sadly your parents may react the same way. Where you're looking for them to run screaming in horror at the idea of another Hulk kids movie they may get all fuzzy remembering you as a wee tubby munchkin spilling your popcorn and getting your face covered in ice cream.
The kids'll hate it though. Because kids just aren't that stupid. And by stupid I mean they're not old enough to wallow in nostalgia yet.
If you're of a certain vintage the Hulkster will be something of a hero to you. On the wrestling he used to bash the bad guys and go mental in interviews so as a kid you loved him. And as such you then dragged your parents to see movies starring him. That meant those poor sods sitting through Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny. They'd be thankful then that the third of this unholy triumvirate, Santa With Muscles, never made it to these shores.
But what about now? I have to admit to slightly enjoying watching this, but it seems that was a result of the nostalgia it thrust into my mind area rather than any quality on show. It reminded me of those trips to the pictures when I was a wee kid.
Sadly your parents may react the same way. Where you're looking for them to run screaming in horror at the idea of another Hulk kids movie they may get all fuzzy remembering you as a wee tubby munchkin spilling your popcorn and getting your face covered in ice cream.
The kids'll hate it though. Because kids just aren't that stupid. And by stupid I mean they're not old enough to wallow in nostalgia yet.
Sunday 13 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Thirteen Is.........
James Cameron
So this time next week we will know if Avatar is all its cracked up to be. Some critics have seen it, not these critics mind you, but I personally havent read them, I think I will try go with an open mind.
Is it really is make or break for Hollywood with this whole 3D thing? A few films have came out over the last year or so with mixed reviews. I think everything has been geared up for this release. If this flops badly it could set Hollywood back a mile, all studios will have a slew of 3D films to release no doubt and they could all get canned if Avatar kills it off in one messy weekend!
We wait with baited breathe.
I tend to think 3D is just a gimmick, i think it offers nothing to the cinema experience, if you notice and enjoy the 3D effect then the film obviously isnt drawing you in enough, and if you dont notice it because the film is so well made and enthralling then whats the point of having it in 3D? Am i wrong?
Could it be that 3D is just a tool to try drive down the pirating trade and the internet downloading craze and put folks back into the cinemas? That may be just cynical.
As i say, this time next week we will have a better idea what the Holywood horizon will look like, but here is a video leaked to the Splice offices that may shed some light on Camerons hopes and dreams for his return to the big screen.
So this time next week we will know if Avatar is all its cracked up to be. Some critics have seen it, not these critics mind you, but I personally havent read them, I think I will try go with an open mind.
Is it really is make or break for Hollywood with this whole 3D thing? A few films have came out over the last year or so with mixed reviews. I think everything has been geared up for this release. If this flops badly it could set Hollywood back a mile, all studios will have a slew of 3D films to release no doubt and they could all get canned if Avatar kills it off in one messy weekend!
We wait with baited breathe.
I tend to think 3D is just a gimmick, i think it offers nothing to the cinema experience, if you notice and enjoy the 3D effect then the film obviously isnt drawing you in enough, and if you dont notice it because the film is so well made and enthralling then whats the point of having it in 3D? Am i wrong?
Could it be that 3D is just a tool to try drive down the pirating trade and the internet downloading craze and put folks back into the cinemas? That may be just cynical.
As i say, this time next week we will have a better idea what the Holywood horizon will look like, but here is a video leaked to the Splice offices that may shed some light on Camerons hopes and dreams for his return to the big screen.
Saturday 12 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 12
If offensive language offends you on account of it being offensive then seriously, don't watch this!
Friday 11 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Eleven Is.........
Frasier Crane
Since the decade is counting down i have decided to pick out some of the best Christmas TV episodes of the last 10 years. How cheesy!
First up is a Season 8 Episode of Frasier,entitled Mary Christmas which was on our tellys way back at the beginning of the decade.
Since the decade is counting down i have decided to pick out some of the best Christmas TV episodes of the last 10 years. How cheesy!
First up is a Season 8 Episode of Frasier,entitled Mary Christmas which was on our tellys way back at the beginning of the decade.
Thursday 10 December 2009
Santa With Muscles Live Viewing
Yeah we're watching this on Youtube at 10pm UK time:
We're going to have a live Twitter session and if you're a mate with either of us on Facebook we're going to create a wall post there too. Come join us in watching Hulk Hogan as a bearded basher of bad guys in Santa With Muscles. The entire film in ten parts can be found here.
Join us!
We're going to have a live Twitter session and if you're a mate with either of us on Facebook we're going to create a wall post there too. Come join us in watching Hulk Hogan as a bearded basher of bad guys in Santa With Muscles. The entire film in ten parts can be found here.
Join us!
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 10
Right, let's bang these inappropriate Xmas films up a notch with a kids film so abysmal that if you show it to your own tykes they'll stab you in the face, one of the worst films ever made, Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny:
(That's the whole damn movie in ten parts if you're brave enough to attempt to watch it!)
Now many films claim to be the worst ever made. Alright, they don't claim it, but those who have had the misfortune of having seen them do. Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny is a fair shout for the title though. It's easily up there (or is that down?) with films like Manos: The Hands Of Fate, The Creeping Terror, Monster-A-Go-Go, the Coleman Francis Trilogy, Maniac or Batman And Robin. It makes the most famous claimants to the title, Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Room, look like coherent, well made works.
It really is a fucking mess. Two movies spliced together to make one it sees Santa get stuck in Florida and so after twenty minutes of pissing about with animals and kids, yeah, really, he decides to give up with the escape and tell the kids trying to help him the story of Thumbelina. Said story is another poorly made film from a few years previously that's also a musical. Of course that raises the question; is Santa singing to the kids as he recants the tale? Anyway this Thumbelina's not so tiny in a certain chest department and that's really all there is to say.
Just as your head's ready to implode Santa finishes his tale and the titular Ice Cream Bunny, a mangy suit with a twat inside, turns up and doesn't give out ice cream, he just freaks everyone out. Oh and there's loads of footage of Pirate World, the theme park it was shot in just to pad the thing out to over ninety minutes. That's right it only actually lasts an hour and a half, no matter how long it seemed to last.
Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny really has to be seen to be believed but should never be viewed by anyone. Just continue not to believe me. It will most certainly scare your family so they leave you alone this Christmas but you might not be able to live with yourself for having exposed them to this. It's your call.
(That's the whole damn movie in ten parts if you're brave enough to attempt to watch it!)
Now many films claim to be the worst ever made. Alright, they don't claim it, but those who have had the misfortune of having seen them do. Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny is a fair shout for the title though. It's easily up there (or is that down?) with films like Manos: The Hands Of Fate, The Creeping Terror, Monster-A-Go-Go, the Coleman Francis Trilogy, Maniac or Batman And Robin. It makes the most famous claimants to the title, Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Room, look like coherent, well made works.
It really is a fucking mess. Two movies spliced together to make one it sees Santa get stuck in Florida and so after twenty minutes of pissing about with animals and kids, yeah, really, he decides to give up with the escape and tell the kids trying to help him the story of Thumbelina. Said story is another poorly made film from a few years previously that's also a musical. Of course that raises the question; is Santa singing to the kids as he recants the tale? Anyway this Thumbelina's not so tiny in a certain chest department and that's really all there is to say.
Just as your head's ready to implode Santa finishes his tale and the titular Ice Cream Bunny, a mangy suit with a twat inside, turns up and doesn't give out ice cream, he just freaks everyone out. Oh and there's loads of footage of Pirate World, the theme park it was shot in just to pad the thing out to over ninety minutes. That's right it only actually lasts an hour and a half, no matter how long it seemed to last.
Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny really has to be seen to be believed but should never be viewed by anyone. Just continue not to believe me. It will most certainly scare your family so they leave you alone this Christmas but you might not be able to live with yourself for having exposed them to this. It's your call.
Wednesday 9 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Nine Is.........
Terry Gene Bolea
Yes, like Maurice Mickelwhite, he is known in acting circles by another name, yes its Hulk Hogan.
And the photo is actually the front cover of his new book which he is peddling like a madman at the moment to get some sales for Christmas. One such plugging session actually takes palce today and of you go to www.edge.ca and go listen live arounf 3pm UK time (8am ET) you should hear his appearance on the Dean Blundell breakfast show. Its a pretty good show actually, except for all the adverts. Those guys are close to the bone and should give Hogan a roasting.
But also......
This wee present in the splice advent calendar is just to give any readers a little heads up for the simul-watch-atweet-book (copyrighted by my good self) event that we are hoping to pull off on Thursday night. around 10pm that night we will attempt to watch Hulk Hogans effort in the Christmas Movie canon Santa With Muscles. The plan is for us all to start watching at the same time and and add tweets or post thoughts on a facebook wall post (whichever is your social networking poison) and have a bit of banter back and forth about it.
Oh and if your thinking "oh no, i really really really want to do this but i havent a copy of the movie" fear not. its all available on you tube in easy to swallow small chunks.
More info on what to tweet to and also where to post your facebook comments (you may have to become a facebook buddy of Big Red to do so) will come tomorrow in the splice advent calendar as well as links to the movie. Hopefully it goes well. Heres a trailer to whet the appettite.
Oh yeah, did i mention that it looks utter garbage?
And, Maurice Mickelwhite is Michael Caine. Shame on anyone who didnt know.
Yes, like Maurice Mickelwhite, he is known in acting circles by another name, yes its Hulk Hogan.
And the photo is actually the front cover of his new book which he is peddling like a madman at the moment to get some sales for Christmas. One such plugging session actually takes palce today and of you go to www.edge.ca and go listen live arounf 3pm UK time (8am ET) you should hear his appearance on the Dean Blundell breakfast show. Its a pretty good show actually, except for all the adverts. Those guys are close to the bone and should give Hogan a roasting.
But also......
This wee present in the splice advent calendar is just to give any readers a little heads up for the simul-watch-atweet-book (copyrighted by my good self) event that we are hoping to pull off on Thursday night. around 10pm that night we will attempt to watch Hulk Hogans effort in the Christmas Movie canon Santa With Muscles. The plan is for us all to start watching at the same time and and add tweets or post thoughts on a facebook wall post (whichever is your social networking poison) and have a bit of banter back and forth about it.
Oh and if your thinking "oh no, i really really really want to do this but i havent a copy of the movie" fear not. its all available on you tube in easy to swallow small chunks.
More info on what to tweet to and also where to post your facebook comments (you may have to become a facebook buddy of Big Red to do so) will come tomorrow in the splice advent calendar as well as links to the movie. Hopefully it goes well. Heres a trailer to whet the appettite.
Oh yeah, did i mention that it looks utter garbage?
And, Maurice Mickelwhite is Michael Caine. Shame on anyone who didnt know.
Tuesday 8 December 2009
Monday 7 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Seven Is.........
Gabby Hayes
You may be asking yourself who is Gabby Hayes, and frankly, i dont blame you. I know of Gabby Hayes for the oddest of reasons. When I worked as a barman in a local Bowling Club there was one member who called another member Gabby Hayes as he felt that he looked like him. So event hough i had no idea what Gabby Hayes looked like, it was a name which has stuck with me until this month when i did some searching and found some photos, then did some more and found the gem of a pic that i posted above.
Gabby Hayes is a movies star of yesteryear and starred in old westerns, which is a genre which is pretty much disregarded on Splice (maybe worth addressing this in the new year), and all in all has 192 film credits to his name. Well according to the bible that is imdb he does.
The reason he features in this the Splice advent calendar for all things festive and Christmassy is that what is invariably in your stocking come Xmas? A calendar! And what sort of calendar do you usually get? Hollyoaks babes? Jackie Degg? The Manchester United one where the players featuring in the months of october and November have been sold in the July? All decent enough choices but what about treating the movie lover amongst you to one of these:
http://dvdcalendars.com/
If your not wishing to click on links, what it is see, is five calendars. And each month of the calendar features the poster for a movie of a bygone age of a particular genre. And in this bundle of lovely posters to see you throught he year is four DVD's featuring 3 movies each and for nayone missing the point of where im going, yes its the twelve movies of which there are posters!
There is classic Sci-Fi featuring gems like Teenagers From Outer Space. The Amazing Transparent Man, Metropolis, The Giant Leeches and The Wasp Woman. There is Classic Horror featuring White Zombie and Dementia 13 oh you get the idea, there is also calendars of Musical classics, romance ones and Western ones! And thats where Gabby comes into it, I think the Western one would be my pick.
So there you have it, the perfect Christmas gift.
And one last thing. yes he looks very much like Gabby Hayes after all. Who'd of thunk it.
You may be asking yourself who is Gabby Hayes, and frankly, i dont blame you. I know of Gabby Hayes for the oddest of reasons. When I worked as a barman in a local Bowling Club there was one member who called another member Gabby Hayes as he felt that he looked like him. So event hough i had no idea what Gabby Hayes looked like, it was a name which has stuck with me until this month when i did some searching and found some photos, then did some more and found the gem of a pic that i posted above.
Gabby Hayes is a movies star of yesteryear and starred in old westerns, which is a genre which is pretty much disregarded on Splice (maybe worth addressing this in the new year), and all in all has 192 film credits to his name. Well according to the bible that is imdb he does.
The reason he features in this the Splice advent calendar for all things festive and Christmassy is that what is invariably in your stocking come Xmas? A calendar! And what sort of calendar do you usually get? Hollyoaks babes? Jackie Degg? The Manchester United one where the players featuring in the months of october and November have been sold in the July? All decent enough choices but what about treating the movie lover amongst you to one of these:
http://dvdcalendars.com/
If your not wishing to click on links, what it is see, is five calendars. And each month of the calendar features the poster for a movie of a bygone age of a particular genre. And in this bundle of lovely posters to see you throught he year is four DVD's featuring 3 movies each and for nayone missing the point of where im going, yes its the twelve movies of which there are posters!
There is classic Sci-Fi featuring gems like Teenagers From Outer Space. The Amazing Transparent Man, Metropolis, The Giant Leeches and The Wasp Woman. There is Classic Horror featuring White Zombie and Dementia 13 oh you get the idea, there is also calendars of Musical classics, romance ones and Western ones! And thats where Gabby comes into it, I think the Western one would be my pick.
So there you have it, the perfect Christmas gift.
And one last thing. yes he looks very much like Gabby Hayes after all. Who'd of thunk it.
Sunday 6 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 6
Another hopefully inappropriate film for you to watch with your family this Christmas, it's Die Hard:
A slam dunk eh? Violence, swearing and a middle age man covered in shit wearing only a vest. Not very Christmassy. Well it isn't for most people. That could easily be a description of most Xmas dinners 'round oor way. The hope then is that it doesn't give your family warm, fuzzy feelings of all being together, but rather disgusts them and they all piss off leaving you to mouth every word, because let's be honest if you're a male and you don't know every line of Die Hard you should be castrated. But that only works if Xmas dinner goes smoothly in your house, and how often does that happen? Instead Die Hard will present itself as a perfect little piece of the hell that is the twenty fifth day of December.
And even if this isn't your family's idea of Xmas fare they may not leave you alone to watch it anyway. Any male will end up watching it with you. The kids'll love all the explosions and the illicit thrill of all the language. Mum'll probably fancy Alan Rickman (damn you for being so handsome!) or ol' Brucie boy.
Even Granny won't be put off if she's a certain vintage. The sight of a bunch of Germans getting shot to bits'll probably be her cup of tea.
So Die Hard, a great film, but an utter failure at getting you any peace this festive season.
A slam dunk eh? Violence, swearing and a middle age man covered in shit wearing only a vest. Not very Christmassy. Well it isn't for most people. That could easily be a description of most Xmas dinners 'round oor way. The hope then is that it doesn't give your family warm, fuzzy feelings of all being together, but rather disgusts them and they all piss off leaving you to mouth every word, because let's be honest if you're a male and you don't know every line of Die Hard you should be castrated. But that only works if Xmas dinner goes smoothly in your house, and how often does that happen? Instead Die Hard will present itself as a perfect little piece of the hell that is the twenty fifth day of December.
And even if this isn't your family's idea of Xmas fare they may not leave you alone to watch it anyway. Any male will end up watching it with you. The kids'll love all the explosions and the illicit thrill of all the language. Mum'll probably fancy Alan Rickman (damn you for being so handsome!) or ol' Brucie boy.
Even Granny won't be put off if she's a certain vintage. The sight of a bunch of Germans getting shot to bits'll probably be her cup of tea.
So Die Hard, a great film, but an utter failure at getting you any peace this festive season.
Saturday 5 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Five Is.........
Joe Pesci
What a photo eh? Found it on flickr, which i am starting to think is a great place to pick up photos for Splice.
edit (the photos that i describe above isnt exactly the photo i have used, the original photo which the above describes wouldnt upload for some reason so here is the link to find it yourself, sorry.)
Anyways, Joe Pesci is behind door three because a friend of mine on facebook put a link up to a youtube video which he is the star, there is also a second part to it which i have put up also. Its a bit of a fanmade re edit of one of the quintessential christmas films; Home Alone.
Of course bits of it are dead obvious, but others are inspired. Worth a watch at the very least.
What a photo eh? Found it on flickr, which i am starting to think is a great place to pick up photos for Splice.
edit (the photos that i describe above isnt exactly the photo i have used, the original photo which the above describes wouldnt upload for some reason so here is the link to find it yourself, sorry.)
Anyways, Joe Pesci is behind door three because a friend of mine on facebook put a link up to a youtube video which he is the star, there is also a second part to it which i have put up also. Its a bit of a fanmade re edit of one of the quintessential christmas films; Home Alone.
Of course bits of it are dead obvious, but others are inspired. Worth a watch at the very least.
Friday 4 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 4
Christmas sees the second blockbuster season, the time for the big fantasy films like your Lord Of The Rings, your Narnias, your Harry Potters and so on and so on...
Sadly all the fantasy you're getting this year is New Moon, the latest in the Twilight "saga". It features vampires who break into your room while you're sleeping and proceed to watch you sleep instead of eating you.
Now that is fantasy!
This is a far better version of the "nice monster for Christmas" theme, with nary a teenage wibble in sight:
(Looks like an advert for a foreign satellite TV company)
Sadly all the fantasy you're getting this year is New Moon, the latest in the Twilight "saga". It features vampires who break into your room while you're sleeping and proceed to watch you sleep instead of eating you.
Now that is fantasy!
This is a far better version of the "nice monster for Christmas" theme, with nary a teenage wibble in sight:
(Looks like an advert for a foreign satellite TV company)
Thursday 3 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Three Is.........
Dan Finnerty
You may know this guy from him and his bands star turns in Old School and The Hangover when they played the wedding band in both movies and added their own twist to some classic covers.
I actually saw them in a live show during the summer and they are good, a good laugh anyway.
This Christmas they are hawking a Christmas album with all original material, in no way am i encouraging anyone to buy it, i would mind you encourage you to watch this video, which is a for a song off the album.
You may know this guy from him and his bands star turns in Old School and The Hangover when they played the wedding band in both movies and added their own twist to some classic covers.
I actually saw them in a live show during the summer and they are good, a good laugh anyway.
This Christmas they are hawking a Christmas album with all original material, in no way am i encouraging anyone to buy it, i would mind you encourage you to watch this video, which is a for a song off the album.
"THE CHRISTMAS FLIP FLOP" by THE DAN BAND - watch more funny videos
Wednesday 2 December 2009
Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 2
Right, one of the things I'm looking to do for the advent calender is have a look at some Xmas films for you to watch on the big day, think it's someone's birthday or something. But I'm taking a "Bah Humbug" approach to Xmas films and so I'm rating them by how inappropriate they are to watch with your family, thus if you slap it on you'll get some bloody peace.
First up is an obvious "Bah Humbuggy" film, Scrooged starring Bill Murray as Bill Murray in a modern, well 80's, take on Dickens' A Christmas Carol. It's a story done so many times that they've now taken to doing it in 3D to make it look fresh.
So why is Scrooged an obvious choice? Well it opens with this:
Pretty humbuggy, eh? It's also quite gross featuring Marley's ghost as a rotting corpse who dispenses of the golfball that killed him through a flap in his head, a drink with accompanying eyeball and David Johansen's face. Whoever had the idea to get the lead singer of the New York Dolls to play the Ghost of Christmas Past really wanted your kids to have nightmares!
So it's a perfect choice to get rid of your family for the rest of the day isn't it? Well, no. This being a take on The Christmas Carol means that for all the ick factor it's also about someone finding the "spirit of Christmas" which to me is whiskey. Sadly that's not the conclusion of the tale, it's about loving each other or something:
Yeah, I know. It's a great speech and a bloody brilliant song. Plus Murray at his Murrayist. In any other context this would be fantastic, but not here. This scene proves that for all its Humbuggery exterior Scrooged is far too nice and your family will ultimately be brought together by it.
So Scrooged fails as a "Bah Humbug" Christmas movie. And it was so close too.
First up is an obvious "Bah Humbuggy" film, Scrooged starring Bill Murray as Bill Murray in a modern, well 80's, take on Dickens' A Christmas Carol. It's a story done so many times that they've now taken to doing it in 3D to make it look fresh.
So why is Scrooged an obvious choice? Well it opens with this:
Pretty humbuggy, eh? It's also quite gross featuring Marley's ghost as a rotting corpse who dispenses of the golfball that killed him through a flap in his head, a drink with accompanying eyeball and David Johansen's face. Whoever had the idea to get the lead singer of the New York Dolls to play the Ghost of Christmas Past really wanted your kids to have nightmares!
So it's a perfect choice to get rid of your family for the rest of the day isn't it? Well, no. This being a take on The Christmas Carol means that for all the ick factor it's also about someone finding the "spirit of Christmas" which to me is whiskey. Sadly that's not the conclusion of the tale, it's about loving each other or something:
Yeah, I know. It's a great speech and a bloody brilliant song. Plus Murray at his Murrayist. In any other context this would be fantastic, but not here. This scene proves that for all its Humbuggery exterior Scrooged is far too nice and your family will ultimately be brought together by it.
So Scrooged fails as a "Bah Humbug" Christmas movie. And it was so close too.
Tuesday 1 December 2009
Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number One Is.........
Darth Vader
Yes, its that time of year when the perfume and aftershave companies, as well as those greedy ones who manufacture both, roll out some adverts that are shown ad naseum on our TV screens for the next month.
Lord Vader has a long history with adverts, David Prowse and his road safety ads, and James earl Jones has lent his voice to many a commercial over the years.
The connection?
Well this year we have Hayden Christensen collecting cash from Lacoste for starring in their newest ad campaign. Enjoy.
Yes, its that time of year when the perfume and aftershave companies, as well as those greedy ones who manufacture both, roll out some adverts that are shown ad naseum on our TV screens for the next month.
Lord Vader has a long history with adverts, David Prowse and his road safety ads, and James earl Jones has lent his voice to many a commercial over the years.
The connection?
Well this year we have Hayden Christensen collecting cash from Lacoste for starring in their newest ad campaign. Enjoy.
Monday 30 November 2009
St. Andrew's Day
Wahay it's the day we Scots don't bother to celebrate in cheap and tacky ways like a certain bunch of fellow Celts. Scottish film's a bit miserable, though, ain't it. I've made my own thoughts clear on the general state of the Scottish film industry a few times here so bugger the negativity and let's look back to a time when we seemed to do things a lot, well, nicer:
Let's make more stuff like Local Hero eh? Tae hell with this misery ridden shite. Here's a wee documentary available on Vimeo by a bloke named Kenny Parker that addresses this issue and it's well worth a watch:
I don't know what's up with me, maybe it's the impending festive period, but I want cheerier stuff to help balance Scottish film's output. Come on Scotland let's cheer up!
Let's make more stuff like Local Hero eh? Tae hell with this misery ridden shite. Here's a wee documentary available on Vimeo by a bloke named Kenny Parker that addresses this issue and it's well worth a watch:
Visual dissertation - Why are Scottish films so miserable? from Kenny Parker on Vimeo.
I don't know what's up with me, maybe it's the impending festive period, but I want cheerier stuff to help balance Scottish film's output. Come on Scotland let's cheer up!
Friday 20 November 2009
Time Lapse Photography
Splice loves certain things more than others. Movies is in there. Football is in there. Baseball is also in there, and let me just say this the lesser known love of (maybe just this splice blogger) is time lapse photography. Just cant get enough of it. Al those ones on like hige super motorways which see the sun coming up and setting and all the car lights for example. Love it.
Which brings me to this, which is time lapse photography but also incorporates baseball. But like this its cinema right?
It plays like an old Russian montage film which probably is the point.
I like it.
Which brings me to this, which is time lapse photography but also incorporates baseball. But like this its cinema right?
World Series Time-Lapse by Robert Caplin from Robert Caplin on Vimeo.
It plays like an old Russian montage film which probably is the point.
I like it.
Monday 16 November 2009
Great* Lines From The Movies *Interpretations of "great" may differ from mines, Part 9
"O, Lord! O, Jesus Christ!"
Sergeant Howie, The Wicker Man
Rest ye well Mr. Woodward
Sergeant Howie, The Wicker Man
Rest ye well Mr. Woodward
Saturday 31 October 2009
Beetlejuice (13 Days Of Hallowe'en)
Right, here's why Beetlejuice freaks me, I mean, used to freak me out:
1) GIANT WORMS!
When I went to the beach as a kid I always started freaking out because of something that featured in the Monster In My Pocket toys. It was a creature that lived under sand and used to poke through and snatch children pulling them under to eat them. As such these things terrified me.
2) SHE RIPS HER FACE OFF!
I mean, seriously, right off!
3) THE GUY WAE THE WEE HEID!
Reminds me of a guy who cuts about my hometown. In fact he looks identical and the real life guy's mental.
4) SNAKE BEETLEJUICE!
Let's be honest it is quite a freaky wee scene.
5) EYEBALLS!
I'm not the only person freaked out by the eyeball. Hoffman, Freud and The Residents all understand our fears relating to them and many a horror director manipulates it with "eye deaths". Just don't go looking through any keyholes.
6) FUNFAIRS FREAK ME OUT!
Even if it's only a guy dressed as one.
7) AS DOES MODERN ART!
This movies full of it. And then it all comes to life...
8) FALSE TEETH!
My grandpa used to take his teeth out and chase me with them. It wasn't so much the fake teeth clapping in his hand rather the gums they left behind that freaked me out.
9) THE METAL PLATE ON HER MOUTH!
As someone who struggles with sinus trouble the idea of a metal plate boltedto my mouth is just plain scary. If it happened to me whilst my nose was bunged up I'd suffocate and die!
Great, now I'm a gibbering wreck! If any kids come to the door I'll be too afraid to open it in case they're dressed as modern art, giant worms or my grandpa!
1) GIANT WORMS!
When I went to the beach as a kid I always started freaking out because of something that featured in the Monster In My Pocket toys. It was a creature that lived under sand and used to poke through and snatch children pulling them under to eat them. As such these things terrified me.
2) SHE RIPS HER FACE OFF!
I mean, seriously, right off!
3) THE GUY WAE THE WEE HEID!
Reminds me of a guy who cuts about my hometown. In fact he looks identical and the real life guy's mental.
4) SNAKE BEETLEJUICE!
Let's be honest it is quite a freaky wee scene.
5) EYEBALLS!
I'm not the only person freaked out by the eyeball. Hoffman, Freud and The Residents all understand our fears relating to them and many a horror director manipulates it with "eye deaths". Just don't go looking through any keyholes.
6) FUNFAIRS FREAK ME OUT!
Even if it's only a guy dressed as one.
7) AS DOES MODERN ART!
This movies full of it. And then it all comes to life...
8) FALSE TEETH!
My grandpa used to take his teeth out and chase me with them. It wasn't so much the fake teeth clapping in his hand rather the gums they left behind that freaked me out.
9) THE METAL PLATE ON HER MOUTH!
As someone who struggles with sinus trouble the idea of a metal plate boltedto my mouth is just plain scary. If it happened to me whilst my nose was bunged up I'd suffocate and die!
Great, now I'm a gibbering wreck! If any kids come to the door I'll be too afraid to open it in case they're dressed as modern art, giant worms or my grandpa!
Day 13: Beetlejuice
Well here we are, Hallowe'en. All Hallow's Eve.
So why is Beetlejuice my Hallowe'en night film? Because let's be honest Hallowe'en's for kids and Beetlejuice scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. And I'm one of those tits who tries to re-live his childhood every chance I get.
So just for you I'm going to re-live the childhood trauma and then list why it used to scare me. It doesn't now because I'm a manly man 'n' stuff (honest)...
The Dark (13 Days Of Hallowe'en)
Here are the Tweets posted during The Dark:
Watching the first bit of Amityville Horror remake before The Dark comes on. Looks a bit Hollywoody.
Bugger this Amityville guff I'm goin for a jobbie, and noe because I'm shitein maself!
A bit too much sunlight in the opening scenes of The Dark for my liking
Also appears it was actually shot on Isle Of man instead of Wales so killer sheep are prob out!
SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP! (sadly not killer ones though)
So Maria Bello's worked with both Arargon and Boromir
Not killer sheep, suicidal sheep!
Not at all bringing attention to the red coat there! DING DING DING, she gonna die!
Shouting at Sarah like she's a dog probably ain't gonna bring her running!
An abattoir, suicide and a freaky religion. Happy Halloween everybody
So far decently creepy. Atmospheric and it's got a touch of The Ring to it
Is it ever a good idea to plunge your hand into a hole in the wall that's talking?
You should never be the character that knows what's going on in a horror it doesn't end well for you!
weird colour grading? That'll be the other side
It's gotten a bit stupid now sadly.
First half was good and creepy then it just got a bit too stupid for its own good. Shame really.
Friday 30 October 2009
Day 12: The Dark
It's the night before Hallowe'en, All Hallow's Eve Eve as no one would ever to refer to it. As such it's telly time. Traditionally the week of Hallowe'en has been scary movie central. Sadly that seems to be a thing of the past, maybe because of satellite and cable TV and their ability to show tons of the things on dedicated channels. As such looking through the terrestrial schedules for a scary movie proved to be a bit difficult.Hallowe'en night itself proves to be a bit of a damp squib. Channel 4 is showing the rather brilliant The Host, but that's after midnight so it's technically a November 1st movie. BBC2 is showing the original Halloween and Halloween 2. The latter's guff whilst the former is just way too familiar, although as argued on Wednesday you could do far worse than download the Halloween Rifftrax and give the old film a new slant. Your best bet is on E4 which is showing Charlie Brooker's surprisingly brutal Big Brother zombie thing Dead Set. Of course it's a repeat from last year but it is pretty darn great.
The scariest thing on telly tomorrow night can be found on Five USA. No not a showing of Prom Night but rather the earlier screening of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. It's the most terrifying thing on telly by a long, long way.
So what to do. I say get a DVD in. Quite a few of the films covered for the 13 Days Of Hallowe'en are perfect as is the previously reviewed on Splice Drag Me To Hell which came out on DVD this week. Great fun and nicely old fashioned in its scares it's well worth your time.
If your going out, on the piss as opposed to trick-or-treating I'd imagine, then there's a couple of scary movies on tonight that take you past midnight and into Hallowe'en. ITV 1 has plumped for a remake of The Amityville Horror starting soon. More interesting is BBC 1's choice of The Dark, the one I'll be watching. I've went for this as it sounds decent, has a good cast and it's set in Wales. As such that should mean at least one scene of horrifying sheep*.
It starts at 11:40pm and I'll probably tweet on the Splice Twitter page during it, although it won't be of the level of the Dracula Vs. Frankenstein live Twitter session of last Friday. Mainly because I can't be bothered having to pause the film halfway through for two hours after posting too many tweets in a short time span.
If you're watching either film get in touch!
* If you want guaranteed sheep horror check out New Zealand's Black Sheep, another great film for a party tomorrow night.
Thursday 29 October 2009
Day 11: Death Note
Next up is Japanese horror/thriller Death Note. Death Note is the live action film based on the manga, anime, video game and breakfast cereal of the same name.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
Halloween Rifftrax (13 Days Of Hallowe'en)
Here's the review I wrote on the MST3K Discussion Board at the time I first watched the Halloween Rifftrax:Halloween proves the rule that there should be no sacred cows when it comes to making fun of movies. A much loved, me included, seminal horror flick provides many a great laugh, if your sense of humour is as skewed as Mike and Kevin's, allowing you to look at the movie's flaws instead of why it's great. In a way then it's similar to Mike's Night of the Living Dead commentary, but this is way better, with Kevin in particular in great form. Personal favourite riffs include Darth Vader stumbling onto the wrong set and the whole run of Carpenter coming home from work over the opening tracking shot. Halloween is a fun Rifftrax that should become a holiday tradition like the MST3K Xmas episodes.
Here's the scene that I was talking about with Mike and Kevin pretending that the opening tracking shot is just John Carpenter coming home from his work:
Day 10: Rifftrax Does Halloween
Well it's the most obvious film to watch at this time of year so here it is. Sadly it's probably not that shocking anymore, either because you've seen it a million times or because you're really young and it's all a bit tame. Well you can piss off and watch your rubbish Rob Zombie versions.
Anyway this is an attempt to shake things up a bit with the Rifftrax treatment of the classic film. If the terror has been too much to take so far Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy should make you laugh whilst cowering behind the sofa...
Anyway this is an attempt to shake things up a bit with the Rifftrax treatment of the classic film. If the terror has been too much to take so far Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy should make you laugh whilst cowering behind the sofa...
Tuesday 27 October 2009
Wasting Away (13 Days Of Hallowe'en)
Much has been made about the fact that we're currently in a vampire film renaissance. Post Twilight there seems to be bloody hunners of them. Mainstream Saturday night crowd stuff, teen boy and girl releases, and in Thirst an arty Asian import vamp flick. Even the latest "must see" HBO show is a suck and fuck fest. But whilst Drac's cousins are tearing up the multiplexes the humourous zombie is still shuffling about Blockbuster's straight to DVD horror section, just next to the Wrestling bit and the badger documentaries. In the horror genre though it's the zombie that wins out in terms of quantity of films. Seriously there's bloody tons of them.
As such there isn't much new to say when making a zombie film. It seems pretty much every connotation has now been done. Even Romero, king of the modern zombie, seems to have nothing new to add to the rotting corpse of the sub-genre. But wait, what's that lumbering slowly over the hill (I'll stop with the zombie metaphors now), why it's first time writer/director/brother team Matthew and Sean Kohnen and their little low budget zombie flick. And you know what? It's actually pretty original!
Wasting Away is told from the angle of the zombies you see. Four friends end up zombified after eating some toxic ice cream, the only thing is they don't realise it, seeing themselves and other infected as normal. As one character states at one point in response to another's claim that they don't feel like a zombie; "well idiots don't feel stupid but they are". As a result of their now lower brain functions they see those not infected moving at hyper speed, leading them to believe that everyone else has become infected instead. The only ones who appear to them normal and they can communicate with are drunk people, lower brain functions again, and vice versa. To show the split between reality and the zombies' perceived reality the filmmakers have chosen to flick between Night Of The Living Dead black and white for the real world and colour for the zombies' fantasy world, a simple yet effective trick:
The film is jam packed with references to films like Evil Dead 2, Re-animator and the Romero films. But it also plays with the cliches of the genre, the only zombie who eats brains is shown to be a curious eater before zombification and as such can't resist shoving the meat on a taco just to see how it tastes. Thanks to the setup there is much humour derived from the simple fact that they don't know they are zombies. As such we see a zombie waiter, a zombie attempt to stealthily intercept an army base and another attempt to ask a father permission to date his daughter not realising that his heartfelt plea merely sounds like moaning to the human ear.
For all the great ideas Wasting Away sometimes struggles to overcome its lack of budget. It also could have done with some tighter editing and script supervision. Some scenes go on too long and the whole zombie job interview is a superfluous distraction that never lives up to the potential of the idea. As such cutting it or possibly finding a way to do it through dialogue after the fact would have been preferable.
Ultimately though Wasting Away is a lot of fun. There's a great central idea supplemented by lots of brilliant twists on the traditional zombie cliches and an absolute load of references for those inclined to play at spotting them. Some budgetary concerns and a slightly saggy middle let it down a tad, but for a first effort this is an treat that points to the Kohnens being ones to watch. They've proved there may be life in the old zombie yet.
As such there isn't much new to say when making a zombie film. It seems pretty much every connotation has now been done. Even Romero, king of the modern zombie, seems to have nothing new to add to the rotting corpse of the sub-genre. But wait, what's that lumbering slowly over the hill (I'll stop with the zombie metaphors now), why it's first time writer/director/brother team Matthew and Sean Kohnen and their little low budget zombie flick. And you know what? It's actually pretty original!
Wasting Away is told from the angle of the zombies you see. Four friends end up zombified after eating some toxic ice cream, the only thing is they don't realise it, seeing themselves and other infected as normal. As one character states at one point in response to another's claim that they don't feel like a zombie; "well idiots don't feel stupid but they are". As a result of their now lower brain functions they see those not infected moving at hyper speed, leading them to believe that everyone else has become infected instead. The only ones who appear to them normal and they can communicate with are drunk people, lower brain functions again, and vice versa. To show the split between reality and the zombies' perceived reality the filmmakers have chosen to flick between Night Of The Living Dead black and white for the real world and colour for the zombies' fantasy world, a simple yet effective trick:
The film is jam packed with references to films like Evil Dead 2, Re-animator and the Romero films. But it also plays with the cliches of the genre, the only zombie who eats brains is shown to be a curious eater before zombification and as such can't resist shoving the meat on a taco just to see how it tastes. Thanks to the setup there is much humour derived from the simple fact that they don't know they are zombies. As such we see a zombie waiter, a zombie attempt to stealthily intercept an army base and another attempt to ask a father permission to date his daughter not realising that his heartfelt plea merely sounds like moaning to the human ear.
For all the great ideas Wasting Away sometimes struggles to overcome its lack of budget. It also could have done with some tighter editing and script supervision. Some scenes go on too long and the whole zombie job interview is a superfluous distraction that never lives up to the potential of the idea. As such cutting it or possibly finding a way to do it through dialogue after the fact would have been preferable.
Ultimately though Wasting Away is a lot of fun. There's a great central idea supplemented by lots of brilliant twists on the traditional zombie cliches and an absolute load of references for those inclined to play at spotting them. Some budgetary concerns and a slightly saggy middle let it down a tad, but for a first effort this is an treat that points to the Kohnens being ones to watch. They've proved there may be life in the old zombie yet.
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