Technology Vs. Paper

Applause: America's Vice

Toilet Paper: A Rant

Bright Eyes

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

While we were waiting to buy our tickets for the second Hellboy my mate started talking about how he had been watching Terminator 2 for the first time in years the night before. We got to talking about how great it is and that it's like that in spite of an extremely flimsy plot that only really serves to set up the modules of action. But what modules they are, so good that you forgive the plot almost entirely for its misgivings. Why is this relevant? Well Hellboy the second is very much in the Judgment Day style of film making.

The plot involves an Elfen prince looking to resurrect some army of robots to kill mankind. Shamefully what this means is a lot of "we need to find whatchamacallit before he does as he needs it to do thingamyjiggy" story threads. It really does just act as the excuse for some stunning set-pieces, made all the more so by Del Toro's unbelievable eye and imagination. Take for instance the Troll Market, a world so wonderfully realised it deserves its own daily soap opera just to cover everyone and everything in it. Or the Forrest God's demise, up there with Wall.E's space waltz for sheer beauty. Then there's the action itself, such as the great Tooth Fairy fight at the start and the showdown between Hellboy and Prince Nuada amongst giant rotating cogs.

To put it simply Del Toro is in full Pan's Labyrinth mode when it comes to the creative side. Most of the creatures (The Angel Of Death, the Tooth Fairies) seem to have come straight from that world. So it's frustrating then that the plot at times is so lacking. Hellboy 2 brings up a problem that has been evident in Del Toro's more generic Hollywood fare. As he has gotten more successful, and thus is given more money to work with his visuals have gotten more incredible, basically because he now has the financial resources to realise some of his greater leaps of fancy. But the plots of these movies suffer, maybe Del Toro is of the position that Hollywood doesn't want complexity, or more simply he's just more interested in the visual aspect now that he can effectively do what he likes. Of course this is at odds with his smaller, Spanish productions. While they still look amazing, and are alive with ideas, so are the stories attached to them. Is it because the smaller budget reigns him in, forcing him to work more with the actual story, or some sort of Euro film ideal at work? It's difficult to say, but it certainly is evident in everything that he has done.

The thing is Hellboy 2 is a darn fine film. For all of its flimsy plotting it does get a lot right. The performances are all great, and the humour is perfectly pitched. Whereas the comic aspects of some of these movies may feel like they have been shoehorned in (Spiderman 3, anyone?) Hellboy's comic moments feel natural because theirs is a ridiculous world populated by old Scottish women who are actually cat-eating trolls, and the characters aren't Superman, they're all deeply flawed individuals trying to work out relationships ane their own place in the world. The scene where Hellboy and Abe get wasted and talk girls is maybe the best part of the entire film. Add to all this the presence of the likes of the brilliant Jeffrey Tambor and the inclusion of the Seth MacFarlane voiced German gas bloke Johann Krauss and you actually have one of the year's funnier movies. And then there's Hellboy himself, a total dick as the hero. being brought up as a human, albeit one that looks very different, has left him as imperfect as the rest of us. the fact that he straddles the two worlds at the cusp of war makes his position even more difficult, especially as he's in love with a human, even if he never does seem to do what she wants.

So it's a shame that again the flimsy scripting lets it down. The idea of how Hellboy chooses what side to fight for is underdeveloped. He was raised as a human, but humans don't accept him and yet he fights his own kind to protect them. It's an issue that should have raised some more complex thoughts and emotions than him stopping for a second before shooting anyway. And Hellboy's not the only one. Prince Nuada is a very sympathetic villian, very well played by that bloke who used to be in Bros, who actually is right in a lot of the things he says in relation to mankind. And yet for all the sadness and struggle it brings him to take the drastic action he proposes in the end he still just feels a bit like "the baddie of the week" in a Buffy episode. Mind you, he at least has some character about him which is more than can be said for Princess Nuala, his twin sister. She's little more than a device, at turns allowing Nuada to find our heroes, for them to find an item they need, or to give Abe a romantic interest that pulls him into a story that could easily have left him behind, although I'm glad he wasn't.

It's difficult what to make of Hellboy II: the Golden Army. To read this review back you'd think that apart from some aspects I didn't like it, but that is to the contrary. I found myself genuinely loving it for the most part. Visually it's stunning, from the marionette-style opening backstory of who the Golden Army are, to the desolate city underneath the Giant's Causeway. The action is great and the film is hilarious in parts, mainly thanks to some endearing characters. And it raises some grand ideas. Where it falls flat is in the execution of those, it's at times lackadaisical plot and the visually disappointing eponymous robot hordes who just aren't as terrifying as they should be. Personally I think how much you'll enjoy Hellboy 2 will come down to your expectations beforehand. If you want Del Toro in full Pan's Labyrinth mode then outside the visuals you'll be let down big time. On the other hand if you're just looking for a fun movie then this is perfect for you. It's a great popcorn movie, and yet the feeling is it could have been something a whole lot more. As it is it's equal parts brilliant and frustrating.

iRiffs

I riff, you riff, everybody can now riff if you want. That's right, those scamps over at Rifftrax have went and introduced their new little venture iRiffs. Basically they are calling on fans of riffing everywhere to produce their own Rifftrax and then they will be sold through the site. All the information's on the page linked to above, basically you need to do a good job of your riffing. There are hints and tips on how to go about writing, recording and doing your artwork for it so that it's a professional little product.

iRiffs goes live in October but until then you can sample some of the premium fan-riff projects being hosted by Rifftrax as a showcase of how the thing will work. Available now are three shorts from Joshway's Fun With Shorts project, of which this is a previous entry:



Riff Raff Theater's attack on the Keanu Reeves "whoah"-fest Speed:



and The Incognito Cinema Warriors XP episode for the Italian take on a favourite tale, Lady Frankenstein.



Supposedly we can expect some sexiness, but given that it's an Italian horror you can bet some bloke disembowels a turtle while someone looses an eye in the background. In fact if it doesn't feature these things it'll be about as Italian as those frozen "Italian Style" pizzas that come from Germany.

Anyway, this is a pretty exciting little thing to come from Rifftrax, and if we here at Splice can stay sober enough, we may have a crack at the classic Irish Tourist Board approved Leprechaun at some point within the next half-decade, maybe.

CT: The Wasp Woman

Damn you Roger Corman and all who sail on you! Thanks to a love of the various riffing projects of these guys I've ended up seeing more of Corman's stinkers than anyone, Roger himself, should ever have to suffer. His approach to low-budget exploitation films fills me with bile. And yet, when something like The Wasp Woman comes along you feel cheated when very little happens. I mean if you know Corman, you know that this'll be the case thanks to lack of budget and a shooting schedule that's barely longer than it takes Paris Hilton to get done up in the morning. As Josh quips at one point of stunning penny-pinching; "You won't believe you're eyes. You won't get the chance to." But a film like this has the potential to be cheesy, goofy fun. What you get instead are some characters you can't give a damn about, because the script won't let you, talking for an hour before one becomes a ridiculous creature and starts the killing. But even that's kind of rubbish.

Okay, Corman rant over, but what I'm highlighting is Cinematic Titanic's third outing's biggest flaw; they're riffing on a dull Roger Corman movie. It's just not quite goofy enough for it to become one of those magical riffing experiences where you enjoy the entire thing. But this isn't necessarily the fault of the CT team, who go at this one no matter how many dialogue driven scenes there are. In fact for the most part the riffing on Wasp Woman is the strongest CT has done so far. What's great about it is that it's that Season 2 through 4 of MST3K style, kind of lucid and goofy. They don't tear the movie apart so much as gently prod it until its cheese squirts out. But added into that is a whole darker element, thanks to the many, many heroin references in this one. I suppose they had to with the amount of shooting up shown, it rivals Trainspotting in the 'see a needle, down a shot' drinking game stakes. From Joel's "kissing God" reference to the Belushi dosage, there's some incredible material here.

As for some of the quibbles with the first two, some of the line readings are still a little flat at times, with Frank's A.D.R. lines being particularly bad. Not only is the sound different but he just seems to read them, like he can't get into the moment or something. It's a shame because Frank actually does a great job in this one besides those and along with Mary Jo have shown some great improvement as riffers in the very short time where they've had to perform as well as write. The sketches vary, the openings are fun but brilliantly don't really explain too much about the premise in the way people hoped for after first outing The Oozing Skull featuring nothing at the start. The board room sketch is cute but doesn't quite go anywhere. Frank bringing back Buddy Rich for another in what I'm presuming to be a series of dead jazzist related sketches is very funny, Rich's dialogue and the performance are fantastic, and again play into the slightly darker tone of this episode.

In many ways then Wasp Woman is Cinematic Titanic's best effort yet. The riffing's great, the sketches are fun and the movie does have its moments of goofiness. In tackling a Roger Corman clunker they've made their most MST3K-like one yet. But like those episodes of that show where the movie was slow and boring it takes some of the shine off of what they get right, and that's a shame as it is so right! And that, Mr. Corman, is why I cursed you.

You can get Wasp Women directly from the people who made it here. You can also get the first two DVDs, Doomsday Machine and Oozing Skull, which has now been made available Worldwide so please don't give those twats on ebay hunners of money for one of these. Buying it directly from Cinematic Titanic means the money goes straight back in to making more in the future. Here's the link for their store.

Thanks for listening.

Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

Cube (1997)

Synopsis

Seven strangers wake up to find that they are in a cube shaped room. None of them know how they got there or why. then they realise that each wall houses a door to another room...

Review

Remember when Saw came out and everyone was like "oh the set-up's like so original! Imagine if that happened to you. I mean it could. You could be taken and locked in a room without knowing how you got there by a sicko and forced to do terrible things to try and escape. I'm getting another lock for my window", you know stuff like that. Well, yes, the set-up is a good one. Shamefully the guys who made Saw had clearly just watched the older (by seven years) Cube. The difference being that instead of two guys, a grotty, shit-encrusted warehouse and a couple of hacksaws what we have here is a cube-shaped room, surrounded by interlocking identical rooms. You see it's a big maze that the characters have to try and escape from. Oh and lots of the rooms have deadly booby traps in them.

Cube is a masterpiece of low-budget, high-concept film making. The premise sets it up to be an effects-ridden sci-fi movie, but instead the viewer is presented by a character-driven thriller that just so happens to be set where it is. The cube shaped rooms not only present a sterility that quickly provoke madness, but also serve as a money saving device. The entire film's shot on one set with the lights shining through the pattern on the walls changing. Understandably things become claustrophobic and tense incredibly quickly as the characters begin to irritate one-another.

In fact one of Cube's most brilliant features is messing with your pre-conceptions, such as what type of movie you're about to see. Witness the turns in the characters, Leaven quickly becomes a little bitch, Holloway a paranoid freak and the treatment of Rennes' revelation that he can probably lead them out thanks to his past is almost hilarious. Then there is Quentin, set up as a family man and cop, who better to be the hero that leads them through the maze, and Worth who claims to have nothing to live for and is clearly hiding something. These two are the most interesting characters, and the tension that builds between the two is essentially the lynchpin of the entire movie.

Shamefully with these two being so integral Cube's biggest minus has to be brought up, one that often afflicts low-budget movies. Some of the acting is far from stellar, and in particular Maurice Dean Wint who plays Quentin is hammy in the extreme. As I said, this thing often happens in otherwise great low-budget fair, but shamefully it may be something that renders the film non-enjoyable. Thankfully Davis Hewlett who plays Worth is pretty damn good.

If you can forgive the occasional amateur dramatics what you will find is an incredibly tense film, both brilliant in its set-up and execution. Some of the obstacles the characters have to overcome, and that refers to the trapped rooms as much as the internal strife, are fantastically thought out. the real reason that I'm trying not to say too much about what happens in Cube is that it relies so much on mystery to build its tension, witness the explanation for why they are there. To reveal too much really would spoil it for those who haven't seen it. But it really is a film that you should see. In a time when shows like Big Brother lock people in a house and force them to perform for us Cube becomes quite pertinent. It explores a darkness present within us all, something that can reveal itself when we become trapped, and that may be the scariest thing about Cube.

And all this without a Danny Glover or a ridiculous clown puppet on a tricycle in sight. the makers of Cube - geniuses.



Top 100, Where And Why

Cube is flawed, the autistic guy being good at maths anyone? It also suffers a bit on multiple viewings thanks to the mystery being partly stripped. But it remains a brilliant idea that is very well executed on the budget that was available. It also is a lot more influential thanks to the post-Saw wave we've seen than it gets credit for. Personally I'm going to put it in the number 3 slot.

1. The Hudsucker Proxy
2. Grosse Pointe Blank
3. Cube
4. White men Can't Jump
5. Galaxy Quest

Help Save Ginger People

Here's the first video sketch thingy from the Splice YouTube Channel



Together We Can!

Splice YouTube Channel

It's right here! That's right, Splice, this thing here, is now on YouTube, only about a decade after everyone else!

It's full of all the guff that's been posted here so far but a few video epics are in the works, the first of which is close to completion as I type.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I've also been working on a write-up for vaginal muncher movie Teeth and my next entry in Splice's Greatest Films of the 90's feature.

It's all go so it is!

Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman, everyone's favourite old guy in films, has been released from hospital after his big car smash. I'm sure I'm not the only one who when first confronted with the news that he was seriously hurt, he wasn't really, thought,


"Who's going to play that bloke who's awfully like Morgan Freeman in films now?".

You know what I mean, "It's Morgan Freeman as Morgan Freeman as God in Christ Almighty" or whatever. Who else in Hollywood, ne the world, has that essential Morganicity, should the unthinkable happen? Is there really anyone else who can be Morgan Freeman?

Maybe if he does pop it they could give the job to Nelson Mandela, a sort of returning the favour kind of deal after Freeman plays him in the Mandela biopic. "Nelson Mandela as Morgan Freeman as Red in Shawshank Redemption 2: The New Batch" sounds pretty good if you ask me. He can even continue to wear those crackin' shirts and everything!

Oh, and since initial reports indicated that Freeman was so badly injured that he'd soon be bumping into another patriarch he's portrayed I started to thinking who could have replaced him as Mandela had he passed on to that big voiceover recording studio in the sky. May I suggest Aberdeen manager Jimmy Calderwood?


Seriously! "Hey did youse hear I'm gettin' freed the morra? I've dids it boysh" he'd say in his best attempt not to speak like Jimmy Calderwood. And hey, since Freeman and Mandela are both getting on a bit and Aberdeen will no doubt be utter shite, maybe big Jimmy can move over to Hollywood. I mean, he likes the sun!

Picture it; "Jimmy Calderwood as Nelson Mandela as Morgan Freeman as the President of the United States of America in Deep Impact 2: The Armageddon (for real this time)". I smell hit!

Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

#4: White Men Can't Jump (1992)


PREAMBLE

I love sport and by extension i cant resist sports movies. In the 90s like all other people my age, i loved basketball. Maybe it was because channel four had the Sunday morning highlights show with Mark Webster, who was (and still is) cool and the game seemed good, Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen, Charles Barkley etc etc, all those names still stick in my head so it obviously made an impression and NBA Jam was the computer game of choice, 2on2 b-ball it was and it was magic. Around that time though, White Men Can't Jump would be making its terrestial TV premiere and i, the big massive basketball junkie i was at the time, watched it.


40 WORDS OR SO

Sports comedy about a couple of mismatched basketball hustlers conning their way across the LA courts.


REVIEW

When i picked up the DVD box to re watch this after some years my abiding memory was that Rosie Perez was an annoying wee bitch in this! The glass of water pish (vid below) and the quote which i think i have always remembered wrong "you lost (she pronounces it loawst) all our fucking money Billy (again she pronounces it Bell-ee)" Yes these things plus every other scene she featured in that i could remember were enough to make my testicles retract into my stomach.

Well i was wrong, watching this now as a grown up i realise that she isn't that bad, in fact her performance is pretty good and you certainly feel for her as her man, Bell-ee played by Woody Harrleson is a complete chump. i suppose that is another thing that i didn't realise when watching this as a teenager, WMCJ is about two basketball hustlers, Bell-ee and Sidney (Wesley Snipes) who are pretty damn cool, playing basketball all day. But in reality they are weak weak men, who have their women at their backs to keep them on the straight and narrow, White Men cant jump is actually a film about weak men, i said it and thus its true. it comes across as a comedy, two mismatched foes that become pals, one a white chump the other a superfly black guy, they con other players on the LA courts to make some cash and crack jokes about players mommas along the way. But in both their backgrounds they have women who are the strength of their relationships.

White Men Can't Jump is a different beast to most sports comedies, the generic bringing together of a dispirit bunch of no hopers to a championship or something, an inspiring coach who brings the best out of the underachievers. You know the kind. No, White Men at time concentrates more on looking good than winning, in fact this is how it deals witht he race issues inherent in its structure, Harrelson is basically the token white guy in bermuda shorts and grey tshirts, and Snipes in his baggy vest and flipped up hat (cool in 92 i am sure). a great scene is where they escape from gertting shot in Harrelsons motor driven by Perez and discuss hpow white guys dont get Jimmy Hendrix. The listen to it, they cant hear it, Snipes Sidney crows. That said there is a rather strange subplot that has perez's character studying and getting on gameshow Jepoardy which fits in too nice to the story but hey, its a film thats what happens.

What i am trying to say is that this film has been written off as a basketball movie, but its not, the basketball is merely the catalyst for the action (is this a maguffin, i am never sure) this is a film about human weakness and it is dealt with superbly. It has what looks like career turns from both its leads with terrific support from the rest of the cast and also the great LA landscape.




THE TOP 100, WHERE AND WHY

I am going to slide this one in under Grosse Point Blank and over Galaxy Quest. Its a good sports movie thats more than a sports movie, is there a better genre? Also for the simple reason, its not as good as GPB and i havent seen Galaxy Quest. To make up for that rather pathetic why i have hyperlinked the other films reviews in the series for ease of navigation, cos thats the kinda guy i am.

1. The Hudsucker Proxy
2. Grosse Point Blank
3. White Men Can't Jump
4. Galaxy Quest


Ruud Kerouac

Top Bikini Scenes.

So some poll threw up Ursula Andress in Dr. No, Princess Leia, Halle Berry doing her best work not to feature actual skuddy breast, ol' plastic front from Baywatch and that one in the fuzzy bikini that fights the dinosaurs.

Yawn!

Am I alone in thinking this should have made at least the top 5?

Now that's three times the fun!
And I don't mean his cock and balls.