Tuesday 31 March 2009

The Spliceys 2008: The Last But Best Awards of the Year (unofficially)

The red carpet has been laid. Okay it's a rug. And it's brown. Look there are no stars here anyway because it's...



We'll dive right in with the big awards because at the Spliceys they're the boring ones you want to get done first, kind of like the technical ones at the Oscars.

Film of the Year: There Will Be Blood





I think it is fair to say that since it came in 2nd on Reds list and 4th on Ruud's list of the best films they/we saw in 2008 that Paul Thomas Anderson's film can be installed as the Splice Film of the Year. it narrowly beat of challenges from The Dark Knight, In Bruges and No Country for Old Men.

Best Director: The Coens


Two films in 2008 means that the Coens are shoe ins for the Splice Award of best Director of 2008. Its not the fact that they are genuine heroes of Splice or even the fact that they had two films out that gets it, its the fact that they had two films out and both are fantastic peices of cinema, the actors may have changed but the genius remains the same.


Best Horror
: The Orphanage

Not a horror per se but rather a wonderfully told ghost story with the old "it may all be in their heads" angle. Another gem from the Spanish who seem to shit this stuff out on a regular basis.

Best Comedy: In Bruges

Offensive, silly, hilarious, gripping and bloody clever. More award winning play writes should make the transition to cinema.

Best Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Superhero: The Dark Knight

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Best movie ever...Heath Ledger...stupid voice...Imax...whatever. The Dark Knight's still one helluva film no matter what.

Best Acting (to keep Ferne Britton happy there will be no gender split in the acting awards in case she cries like a wee girl): Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood



Best Actress (apparently Ferne Britton doesn't give a toss): Elizabeth Banks, Zack And Miri Make A Porno

Elizabeth Banks is great. How great? Well she managed to pull herself through Meet Dave without killing all the respect that starring in Slither and shoving a shower head up her fud in 40 year Old Virgin had brought her in this neck of the woods. In Zack And Miri she is not only adorable to look at but also manages to convince us that a woman like her would do a guy like Seth Rogen, willingly. So that's Elizabeth Banks, giving ugly guys hope that they can ride a bird that looks like Elizabeth Banks.

Best Film Poster: Zack and Miri Make A Porno

A picture speaks a thousand words and this one says everything that is wrong with our PC obsessed world.

Telly Bit

The Best Shows

Dexter: Wonderfully dark stuff. Michael C. Hall is brilliant as the serial killer you love to cheer on. American comic drama at its best.

The Office: The American remake of a classic British sitcom that works, to the level that it's debatable which one's better. Season 4 had seen the show slip a bit but Season 5 saw it regain what made its early seasons so special. The funniest comedy on telly at the moment.

Lost: Another show that seemed to have lost its way only to come roaring back. Lost has been on an absolute tear in the run-up to its final season.

Reaper: A cracking little gem following a bloke who's parents have sold his soul to the devil. Fills that Buffy shaped hole quite well but probably won't last as long thanks to small viewing figures. That's a shame because it's pretty damn good.

Pretty much everything on BBC 4: Or the way BBC's terrestrial output and much of Channel 4 used to be before everything went to shit. Treasure it.

Previously Good Show That's Lost The Plot Big Time: Heroes

It's just an absolute mess now.

Discovery Of The Year:

Summer Heights High, and Chris Lilley in general. Australian gem of a comedy show.



Best Jesus Impersonation:
Billy Mitchell, King Of Kong


Best Casting Of People You've Heard Of's Less Famous Siblings: Shark In Venice starring Vanessa Johansson (sister of Scarlett) and Stephen Baldwin (Brother of Alec Baldwin, William Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Jane Sasso, and Elizabeth Keuchler and cousin of Joseph Baldwin).




There may well be a film out in 08 with more second choice siblings but sure none as bad as this, dear readers we really feel this is a worthier winner.

Most Overblown Hype: Cloverfield and Jim Bond.

One was a huge bloated monster, the other was Cloverfield. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Channel five Afternoon Film of the Year: Sherlock Holmes Returns

Its a TV movie of epic proportions.

Best Porn Name Kevin Smith Missed in Zack And Miri Make A Porno:

Fellating Sarah Marshall (yes I'm suggesting she's a dude!)

Most Almighty Mindfuck: JCVD



Best Product Placement:

Tied first: Jim Bond's car, Jim Bond's watch, Jim Bond's scuba gear, Jim Bond's shark blinding laser pen etc. ad infinitum....

Best Child Abuse Scene:

Steve Wiebe's taped attempt at the Donkey Kong score is interrupted by his kid:



Best Cleavage: Jenna Fischer, Walk Hard.

It certainly made me "walk hard". See I was walking about...with an erection...get it?

Watch this video of Americans talking utter pish about her role but at no point mentioning her smashing tits.





Best Smug In A Good Way Performance: Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man.

They should bottle the smug dripping off of him in this film and sell it. Imagine having the essence of Downey about your body. Sorry this seems to have gone a tad gay all of a sudden.

AND FINALLY!

Splice Man Of The Year Award:

A joint award to two bastions of British telly without whom nights would just be dull. Sadly thanks to recent developments one won't be on by the looks of it and that is indeed sad. If we did a lifetime achievement I would have lobbied hard to give it to him. I am talking about MLB on five's presenter Jonny Gould, a man of effortless charm who has worked tirelessly for over a decade, with many other fine people, to preach the wonders of baseball to us ignorant Brits. He's also the best presenter on telly. The other is that sourpuss telly reviewer/star Charlie Brooker, or a man who should just be known as God from now on, although that would more than likely really annoy him so I won't call him that again. He's responsible for three of telly's finest things over the past year, Screenwipe, Newswipe and Dead Set, plus some of the finest TV reviewing you could hope to read. Two fine, upstanding men, neither of which has anything to do with films but we love them.

So that's it, The 1st Annual Spliceys Awards are over. I say annual but we'll see if we can be arsed next year. They might just be the Every So Often When We Can Be Bothered Splicey Awards. So look out for 2009's edition sometime in 2010, or 2011! Goodnight!

Monday 30 March 2009

Saturday 28 March 2009

Thursday 26 March 2009

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 23rd - 26th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.





Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Going to curtail this a bit cos its long winded and sometimes boring.



Monday 23rd march 09

Im a day late so yesterday you missed Down and Out in Beverly Hills which was a high concept idea at the time no doubt, 1986 if im right, by making Nick Nolte a tramp in Beverly Hills changing the lives of a family of its inhabitants forever, then this happened (right) in 2007 and i suppose it became life immitating art. right thats enough two year late satire from me, all i can say is that if you missed it you missed a good one, glossy 80s comedies are the best!

Tuesday 24th March 09

you may have missed it again cos im posting so late but pick of today has to be Gunmen on fiveUSA at 9pm. Narcotics agent mario van peebles teams up with smuggler christopher lambert (there can be only one) to chase drugs baron patrick stewart (!) also starring denis leary, i mean come on, thats sound amazing! Oh and more4 has Grizzly Man on, the Werner Herzog film about a fucking halfwits who live with grizzlies then get killed to their surprise, supposed to be good.

Wednesday 25th march 09

My tip tonight is to avoid at all costs Down to You on e4 at 9pm, its pure and utter tripe. it stars Freddy prinze jr which would probably put you off anyway but trust me even if you can put up with him its still terrible. I know this because i have seen it, i have seen it because it followed She's all That to these shores and i liked that (quite a lot actually) so i made an effort to see it (out the video shop i must add, not the cinema, im not mental) wish i hadnt, i reitterate my point avoid like the plague.

Thursday 26th march 09

Fight factory films is a uk distribution company whose movies fascinate me when i go shopping in asda, they come in atractive orange skirted covers and there is literaly loads of them, one of which gets (probably) its premiere on fiveUSA tonight at 9pm. The Contractor stars Wesley Snipes as an assasin, and involes key elements such as one last mission, getting framed and on the run which help it blend in with all the other these type of films. (poor poor english) anyway suppose its worth a look. I have just signed myself up to the kick ass flicks newsletter so i can keep abreast of all fight factory releases and news, i urge you all to follow suit.

Charlie Brookers newswipe also starts this week so keep your eyes peeled on bbc4 for it because it will definitely be funny in a proper sarcastic way we can all get on board with.

Spliceys

Monday 23 March 2009

Sunday 22 March 2009

Thursday 19 March 2009

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 20th - 22nd March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Fri 20th Mar 09

Michael Sheen is on Johnathan Ross to talk about his role as Brian Clough in The Damned Utd, i have went on a bit about this film since i read the book, god it better be good, please let it be good. On ITV at 1.20 i point you in the direction of 3000 Miles to Graceland which is good, Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courtney Cox and Christian Slater make it a strong cast for a film you may not have ever have heard of but this is pretty good. Oh but there is sign language on it, why are deaf people up so late? incidentally, Courtney Cox gets pumped in it so watch and see how this is played out by the fella (or woman) in the corner!

Earlier Crocodile Dundee is on film4, this is one of those intersting films that was so popular it was shown in the afternoon adn some of the racier scenes cut out, such as when Mick finds out the shiela chatting him up is a bloke by grabbing him by the scrotum. I wonder if this is cut out tonight as its showing at 7.10. Blade II is on later at 11pm and although its good and its a Del Toro, i think it misses Deacon Frost, cool name, better baddy.

Sat 21st Mar 09

Ton of stuff on, 12.20 BBC1: Things to do in Denver when your Dead which has Doc Emmett Brown in it, great scot! im in a gangster film! actually this is pretty good. 12.15 on BBC2: Young Frankenstein which i havent seen but should have, ITV at 9pm Notting Hill which i have seen but shouldnt (actually, i think its pretty good actually) and C4 at 1.55 De Niro, Brando and Norton in The Score in the which if im not misteaken is directed by the guy that was Kermit the Frog, and get this, the start time being noted there is no sign language. si that now worth a boo?

70s classic The Deer Hunter is on ITV4 at 10pm, not exactly Saturday night viewing but hey fi you havent ever seen it now is as good a time as any. E4 has The 50 Funniest Comedy films on at 9pm, its been on a hundred times and we have all seen it at least half the times its on but its still worth a wee peek on the breaks of other shows, the top few are obvious but further down you always get some good clips, like you tube without the searching and shit uploads. Police Acedemy is coming back i read, Guttenberg (fresh from his stint in panto (really)) is in line to direct (really) and might appear as mahoney again, but tonight the original is on ITV2 at 10. Its probably the best though i have a soft spot for number 4; Citizens on Patrol! Ok thats enough confesionals.

Sunday 22nd Mar 09

If you have a whole day to dedicate to a film then Ben Hur is on five, for four hours, four, hours! You know i am not exactly sure what its about but im sure with four hours to play with its about a whole load of things. Anyway, five is the home of Sundays films as a Jack black double bill is on, can i just say that i saw Jack Black in the flesh in Amsterdam a few years ago and now i am going back to Amsterdam, conincidence? i would say yes. Shallow Hal and then Envy from 9pm.

Only thing worth noting on digital is Armed and Dangerous on ITV2 at midnight, John Candy, his films were always pretty good in the 80s. I am off work on Monday so this one is gettingstayed up for!

Monday 16 March 2009

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 16th - 19th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.

Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Monday 16th Mar 09

Four evening movies for your perusal, BBC1 has Trapped: Buried Alive which i can only assume is utter mince. Its on at 12.15. More assumed pish on five at 11pm, Buying the Cow is a comedy with Jerry O'Connell, I'll leave it there. It gets better on ITV with Cadillac Man at 11.35, a Robin Williams film made before he went so sugary sacharine and nye on unwatchable! No bad! all this brings me to, Well, if your off on tuesday then give Gangs of New York a whirl at 10pm on C4, its on for 190 minutes! 190, christ Scorsese is coming it a wee bit witht hat, you can probably stick it off when the neverending credits start cos there isnt a Iron Man style appearnce of Sam Jackson with an eye patch just a U2 song if im not mistaken, 1.10 quickly becomes 1am on the nosewhich is almost palletable.

I mentioned it on the weekend TWAT in regards to The Departed and low and behold it appears! Film4 has Infernal Affairs on at 10.50! this is a wonderful film, wonderful! Also on digital and also from the far east is Ping Pong, a film about tabel tennis. I am now deciding what is a better name, Ping Pong or table Tennis? there only one way to decide this... 10.30 on BBC4.

Tuesday 17th Mar 09

Tuesday it would appear is dead to films and film type shows. Nothing of note is on the schedules. Film 2009 i suppose but the most over exposed pair in tv today Horne and Corden discuss their new film together so maybe its worth avoiding. Channel 6 or higher tonight folks.

But its not much better up there, Intolerable cruelty on ITV2 is worth a look, Coens doing screwball comedy, so look for it at 10pm. fiveUSA at 9pm has a newish JCVD film, you know the ones you have never heard of before, Second on Command anyone? nah, never thought so. Film4 however has a night of entertainment! 9pm Airplane!, frequently voted in the best comedy films ever, then at 10.45 Jackie Brown, and then at 1.40 Infernal Affairs II, alright tis on a bit late this night of entertainment but still, a night of entertainment nonethe less. I should also add that Infernal Affairs II is maybe the best sequel ever.

Wednesday 18th Mar 09

After yesterday anything will do and that anything is a George Clooney thriller from 1997, Teh Peacemaker. Its a bti mince but it was Clooney trying to break out the Doug Ross thing from ER and hey, look how he turned out! We'll let him away with it i think. Its not often i mention afternoon movie treats as they are mostly dramas about babies going to the wrong parents in the hospital or some crummy western but today we have an Ealing Comedy so i will mark your card with that. Kind Hearts and Coronets. 1.20 on C4.

Digital is shit tonight.

Thursday 19th Mar 09

Red Riding finished tonight, di you know that this series of films was based on books by David Peace, the writer of the forthcoming Damned United? Bit of a flavour of the month this guy. Anyway, good drama shocker on TV so watch it. Because the alternative is Species 2 on five at 10pm. There is probably shagging in that though.

There can be only one! Yes Highlander is on ITV4 tonight, yas! I know its been highlighted many times before, i am aware i am not the first to ever say it but really, Highlander is a film about a Scotsman who can live forever, played by a frenchman Christopher Lambert with a slight slight French accent, very slight, he is helped in his quest by a Spaniard played by a Scotsman in the shape of Sean Connery in the broadest Scottish accent he could muster! Genius! Who Wants to Live forever! Thursday? i cant wait. If thats not your bag then im not talking to you. Other stuff is on i suppose but sorry, highlander is compulsory viewing.

Sunday 15 March 2009

Lindsay Lohan Fully Loaded

A warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest has been issued. Contrary to reports that it relates to her DUI charge it turns out that some of the police happened to see Herbie Fully Loaded. Rumours that Bruce Campbell is also being sought by police thanks to appearing in the '97 remake of The Love Bug are so far unfounded.

Friday 13 March 2009

Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 13th - 15th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Fri 13th Mar 09

Tis Comic Relief tonight so the only competition on terrestial is barbershop on STV with Ice Cube about a Barbershop strangely and get Rich or Die Trying about 50 Cent starring 50 Cent. Oh Dear. Watch Comic Relief.

After a frankly indefferent Cheltenham festival for you writer here Seabiscuit isn't really what i am wanting to see however if it sound good to you 8.05 on BBC3. Sleuth is on ITV3, this sound familiar, it might as its was remade Last year starring Jude law and Michael Caine, this is the original of the remake with Caine in the Law role and Olivier in the Caine role, that make sense? No? oh well then. BBC4 have some right good music doco's in its schedule every once in a while and tonight might be another, Do it Yourself: The Story of Rough Trade Records is on at 9pm, bound to be some good stroies in it at the very least.

Sat 14th Mar 09

Ok, what the bloody fuck, Young Guns II is on five at twenty minutes to six! now if memory serves there is a hooker who rides a horse naked in that one, something tells me that will be edited out, and if it is wahts the point of watching! later on at night there is some good stuff, 9pm sees a battle between C4 and ITV, I, Robot v About a Boy. personally About a Boy wins for me but both have plenty in the tank to entice viewers. lets think about About a Boy, the irritating wee tit who plays the boy Hugh grants character takes under his wing went on and shagged everything in Skins, also in Skins was Dev Patel who only turned up at an audition for something to do, then he went on and starred in Slumdog which ripped the pants off the awards ceremonies this year. Skins therefore is a turning point in something for some folk. There, a well thought out arguement. C4 has another few films on, Ali at 11.10 which gets better and better every time you watch it and sex Lives of the potato men which i am going to try catch cos it cant be as bad as is made out. Also, check out ITV at 11.05 as After Hours is on, a lesser known Scorsese film form 85, interesting as a few Scorsese flicks are on in the next few days but i will get to them when they appear.

Digital channel BBC4 is doing a japanese type season, i know this becasue i have seen some ads over the past few days, Sat night has Kikujiro on at 11.30. personally i know nothing about it but it has takeshi Kitano in it and i have heard of him so we'll go with that. FiveUSA are ripping the piss with Starship Troopers 2 at 10pm and fiver have, wait for it, Dirty Dancing. Any guys reading who are having a night in with the girl, it is possible to delete channels from your digibox so my suggestion is do it, just research the next day adn get it back, dont lose your Saturday night to putting babies in the corner and old men lifting young lassies by the crotch both in the water and in a climatic scene on a dancefloor. Seriously, delete it.

Sun 15th mar 09

Well shiver me timbers, sunday is as impressive a council telly day as Sat! 4.10 on ITV, why its The Neverending Story! join Bastian and Atreyu and all the other weird stuff, that big flying dog thing et al as they try adn save the princess or some balls. Its fucking excellent! 5.35 on five is Superman, the Christopher Reeve one, now i am going to make a wee confession, one of the Superman films scared the shit out of me as a youngster, the one where richard Prior gets turned into a robot or some sort of plastic thing, shat it every time. this one im pretty sure isnt it so i can rest easy. After that, its Talladega Nights! A premiere at 8.15. What a laugh. Ricky Bobby's weans steal it for me when they talk back to their granpa. Genius.

Right, i have taken a new paragraph but its nto because i have moved to digital picks, no, its because the other premiere of the night is on C4 and its called The Departed. Scorsese's Oscar winner (at long last) and its absolutely brilliant. A remake of the Hong Kong masterpiece Infernal Affairs its just as good as its original. You know what, just watch it, if you have seen it who cares watch it again, and look out Infernal, its good too.

Digital isnt too hot tonight, Basic Instinct on ITV2 at 11pm could be interesting in these times where pausing live tv is a posibility, get a wee swatch at shazzas snatch and stick it back over to soemthing else, actually, thats not fair, stones fanny aside its not that bad a thriller as it goes. weekend over.

Tuesday 10 March 2009

Richard Gere Loses Plot

Yup, not too long after stopping just short of sexually assaulting Shilpa Shetty on stage in front of thousands, and a long time since all that hamster/anus interface crap, Richard Gere has claimed that one day China could have a Tibetan leader if the election of Obama is any sort of pointer.

Maybe he hasn't went totally mental though. This may all be an elaborate suck up job to the Dalai Lama so that he gets his blessing to play him in a biopic. Not the best piece of casting ever, I'll admit, but if Gere goes method and shaves his hair off it could work. That or they could use those effects from Benjamin Button in reverse and digitally shrivel his face up a bit.

It may sound far fetched now but if this project is announced remember where you read it first!

J.C.V.D.: The Prequel

Ol JCVD is getting plaudits for the first time in about ten years, or twenty, or maybe his career. But years and years ago he got a hard-on on telly and for me, seeing it for the first time this month, all that kudos has went down the shitter.

Not for the hard-on you understand, more the jeans.



I appreciate, what with the 3million plus views on the old youtube, that a fair few folk have seen this, but if you havent then you pretty much must be traumatised.

Monday 9 March 2009

The Damned United: Movie Tie Ins

well its enevitable, set in stone some would say, when a popular book is made into a film and so it is relaunched to put itno the public eye more and more. And it all goes mental, and this movie tie in finds itself in the 2 for £7 deal in asda! Anyway, alongside Marley and Me on the shelves right now is The Damned United only it wont look like this;





It now looks like this;



Yes, they have used the movie poster to sell the book off the back of the film. For me not a patch on the other cover but there you go.

Anyway, its a mere couple of weeks till the film is released, hopefully the best football movie since

er,

well, since like ever.

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 9th - 12th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Monday 9th Mar 09

Back when it was released some 6 or 7 years ago, Daredevil was shat on big time. But flying in the face of it i actually rather liked it. It spawned a sequel of sorts, as this films centres on the love interest from Daredevil who dies in the original, so its a spin off type thing. Its on C4 at ten and is the perfect thing for a post weekend wind down, though its not that good its not terrible and thats ok. Also worth a look and from that sequel territory is Police Story 2, anyone who read last weeks TWAT will know my feelings on the dumbing down of foreign films in the schedules so i will just say its on and move on. Jackie Chan at 11.05 on five. Another British comedy is on tonight, this time on ITV at 11.35. Ready When you Are, Mr McGill is its name and i really dont know where they all come from, you never hear about them untill they are on the tv! This one has the makings of a good cast, Nighy, Courtenay and Holden, yes Amanda Holden, I am maybe seeing now why this film has never came up on my radar. I'm a Cyborg, But thats OK is on at 11.50 on C4 tonight also, its billed as a comedy but i am not so sure it will blow your socks off, its a Korean film by the director of Oldboy (and the other 2 from his vengeance trilogy) I shall be recording it as its a bit late for me but is certainly looks interesting.

Also returning tonight is The Gadget Show on five. Its like top Gear for technology and is surprisingly addictive, anyway tonights show looks at 3D tellys and with the glut of 3D movies which are to be released in the near future its wortha wee look i think. 8pm.

Good baseball movie on film4 tonight at 7. Bad News Bears, which was remade a few years ago with Billy Bob in the adult role, has Walter Mathau in this the original. He takes on a kids team of ne'er do wells in the hope to find success, comedy ensues. Trust me, if it made it to these shores then it cant be half bad, i have noted a paragraph up about the crap British films that seem to appear on the tv, well there will be ten a penny baseball films over in the states we see nothing of, and that god! stay with film4 all night if you wish as Planet of the Apes follows, Tim Burtons version which isnt as bad as made out i think, then Kung Fu Hustle which is a riot. At time of posting this i dont know whether its dubbed or subtitles, wither way its a pish laugh though! The only other thing of note i can spot is Drop Zone on itv4 at 10pm, a Wesley Snipes actioner (is this a word?) which also stars the original and best Busey, Gary not Jake.

Tuesday 10th Mar 09

Charles Bronson seems to be the order of the day on normal TV as with a lack of films showing his biopic seems to be covered on the tv shows that are on. This Morning has the star of the film Tom Hardy telling Phil and Fern what it was like to play one of Britains most notorious prisoners and then Film 2009 is reviewing it. 10.30am and 11.05pm respectively. And thats it, normal tv dissapoints.

its down to digital to save Tuesday and gladly it does, its not laden with stuff no but it covers all bases, its Champions league day for ITV so ITV4 follows its game with Rambo: 1st Blood. Its down as 10pm but extra time and penalties may play havoc with that so keep em peeled, testosterone highs alround. I admittedly think Rambo is pants but i have been assured that i am wrong on this count and that time has blunted my opinion, its been some ten years or more since i seen it, so I will give it another go, the two sequels are on the following two nights also. To compensate for bloke vision on STV and ITV4, ITV2 has tried to redress the balance, by screeneing womens shows during the football hours, two hour long pieces of tat with paris Hilton then Coleen Rooney are followed by Bridget Jones 2, which actually doesnt call its self Bridget jones 2 rather Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. I also want to pick out Hamburger Hill on fiveUSA (9pm) as it is probably my favourite Vietnam movie and also Short Cuts on film4 at 11pm as its a work of genius.

Wednesday 11th Mar 09

Another day of not much to go on but at least some features appear in the schedules, BBC1 has a thriller at 10.45 called Bad Company starring Anthony Hopkins, so far so good but it co-stars Chris Rock and centres around a murdered secret agents streetwise twin brother who is recruited to take his place and its at this point where worry creeps in. But all this sounds better than Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo which is fives movie at 10pm.

FiveUSA do an interesting thing on a Wednesday night, they show their prime time 9pm film shown on the nest night at a later 11pmish slot. For example, this week its the Longest Yard, a Adam Sandler remake of a Burt Reynolds American football film, its on at 11pm on Wed but also 9pm on the Thurs. What is good about it is for some people 9pm is a bit troublesome to watch things, theya re night hawks and prefer to kick off a little later so this does them a wee favour, a not bad flick on that wee bit later. Cheers to fiveUSA.

Thursday 12th Mar 09

Ok, i boobed something rotten last week when i failed to spot that C4 trilogy of good dark dramas was starting, the ads have been on for weeks and its my own fault for failing to spot it, i am making amend now though so there. Red Riding continues tonight at 9pm. It follows on from last weeks episode/tv movie which can be watched still for another few weeks on channel 4's website in the catch up bit, thats where i am headed after i finish this as i not only failed to flag it, i also failed to catch it when it was on!

On digital were going to go with Batman at 9pm on film4, Tim Burtons 1989 effort seems strange now in light of Christopher Nolan's entries into the fray. What with the lurid colours and the dancing, yes dancing its nothing like the murky darkness of Batmans latest incarnation, Its worth another look though to campare and contrast i feel. Plus, there isn't much else on the ol digital!

Sunday 8 March 2009

Futurama: Into The Wild Green Yonder



And so we come to the last Futurama film, and possibly the final Futurama period. It'll be a shame if Matt Groening's finest creation (yeah I went there!) is finished but this is a fitting finale if it comes to pass. This one sees Amy's dad looking to knock out a full arm of the Milky Way so he can construct the galaxy's biggest miniature golf course. Queue much environmental messages, there's been a lot of those in these new Futuramas, but also a lot of Green campaigner bashing too.

Plot-wise this is the strongest of the four films with it feeling the most "film-like" of the bunch. The opening on Mars Vegas still feels superfluous though as beyond a few scenes that establish the story proper most of it doesn't serve the plot, such as Bender's tryst with Donbot's woman and Fry entering a poker tournament. That's not to say that this segment isn't very funny as it features more of the sort of throwaway gags that you've come to expect from Futurama. When the plot gets going these dry up somewhat. The whole thing is very amusing but it isn't quite as laugh out loud funny as the show usually tends to be.

This isn't a problem though as the plotting and set pieces are fantastic and yet again there are some wonderful ideas going on that shamefully I can't write about or it would ruin the film. Safe to say that it's the most cohesive and well-plotted of the latter Futuramas and although it doesn't quite have the laughs of the others it's probably the best of the lot. Shamefully this may well be Futurama's last hurrah, but it's a bloody good one if it is.

My Name Is Bruce: The Review



Well it has been thoroughly watched from start to finish and here are my thoughts;

It's puerile, stupid, has racially stereotypical characters, the plot's pretty much the same as Three Amigoes, flat direction, poor acting, poorer special effects, a cheap looking monster, the plot's pretty much the same as Galaxy Quest, geographically stereotypical characters, a corny love story, dick jokes, fart jokes, hundreds of references to bad Bruce Campbell films, it's damn cheesy, it features gay cowboys, the plot's pretty much the same as A Bug's Life, guy drinks piss and complains that it's warm joke, no nudity, corn syrup all over the place,

AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!

And I bet you won't. Because you like "proper" movies that don't star Bruce Campbell as himself fighting a Chinese God of war. What a boring life you must lead.

Friday 6 March 2009

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 6th - 8th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.

Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Friday 6th Mar 09

Get this one in your diaries, QI, the quiz show with Stephen Fry is on tonight in its regular 9pm slot and this week since its series F the subject is film! Hooray! Prepare to be astounded. Also worth look is Friday Night with Johnathan Ross as his guest is Michael C Hall who is magnificent in both Dexter and Six Feet Under. Right enough straight telly talk, whats the films on offer i hear you cry. The answer; Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Well you asked for it. For what its worth this film is pure tripe, but i am sure you either already know that or can make an educated guess. Its 11.40 if you need to see it. Five minutes earlier over on cash strapped ITV Empire is on, the guy that played Luigi in the Super Mario Bros film is in it, it might be alright actually.

9pm on Sky3 sees movie time in the shape of Infected. This has the year in brackets beside it and the year is 2008 meaning only one thing; this is some piece of straight to video guff! Saving grace? Judd Nelson is in it. John Bender as i live and breath. 10pm however could leave you in a quandry as some bonefide stoaters duke it out plus a Jim Bond one on ITV4. The titans about to clash are more4 with Patriot Games, a decent action thriller, e4 with the simply stunning Zoolander and ITV3 with a all time lazy Sunday favourite of mine Overboard. Ultimately its your decision but if i was to sway you it would be toward Kurt Russell essentially kidnapping Goldie Hawn to teach her a lesson in Overboard. Marvel at how this almost seemed like the right thing to do but would be Daily Mailed to death if it was remade!

Saturday 7th Mar 09

England get the FA cup on this fine Saturday afternoon, while in Scotland we get The Rare Breed, a 1966 film starring James Stewart about cows and bulls and that. Nice. So thats 12noon for us Scots, stick it in your diaries. Five has a cult classic at 3.20, Who’s Harry Crumb? An often overlooked piece of John Candy’s canon much like the similarly great What About Bob? form Bill Murray’s. WAB isn’t on though incase your confused, WHC is. In the evening the late BBC1 movie is Ladder 49 which is about firemen and is probably polished enough and not use up any real energy to watch so in essence a perfect late night flick. Channel4 has A Man Apart which is much the same as Ladder 49 in spirit but with Vin Diesel. BBC2 are showing something a bit left field though (as they tend to do on a Saturday gladly) A Prairie Home Companion I dont remember making a huge splash in the UK but the cast looks solid and its a comedy about a radio station so i think i will give it a try. 11.15.

ITV3 are getting another look in for showing 80’s forgotten nuggets, this time its the Michael J Fox one The Secret of my Success, to remind you, its the one where he pumps his aunt without knowing its his aunt and orchestrates the couple throught he wall shagging. 2.45 in the afternoon. At night its a battle between big fat steaming piles of garbage BBC3 has The Lake House, ITV3; The Guru (shame on you ITV3 after me praising you to the hilt) five USA; Fortress. Allon at times between 9 and 10 pm. Guff the lot of them. Virgin1 however have a classic to save the night. Rain Man. 9pm.

Sunday 8th Mar 09

I like to describe myself as ambidextrous when it comes to my film comedy, I love a sly piece of satire as much as the next man, but i also dont turn my nose up at stuff which should only be funny to 12 year old boys and with that in mind i implore you to watch The Benchwarmers at half 6 on five. Its a hoot, the only downside i felt was John Heder who i think actually really irritates me, maybe because i never really got napoleon Dynamite? I dont know, but this Benchwarmers thing is worth a watch. On C4 later is another sports based movie (Benchwarmers is baseball) this time is football or since its an American film, Soccer. She’s the Man sees a soccer mad chick dress up as a guy to play fitba only to fall in love with a teammate who thinks she is a guy and have a burd fall in love with her thinking she is a guy. Oh aye, the guy that he/she fancies actually fancies the burd who fancies the he/she. Clear as mud. A love triangle with fitba. Its a chick flick (horrible horrible phrase) but Amanda Bynes is a wee cracker so we’ll maybe have a wee peek. After that C4 have another film, Elizabethtown, the Cameron Crowe film thats not quite as famous as his others. BBC1’s late movie is Deathtrap, an old film starring Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve, Michael Caine films are a troubling breed, i actually have no idea where this one fits into the pantheon but i thought i would flag it regardless.

If you get up rather early due to a hangover and switch on ITV3 at 10am you can watch To Kill a Mockingbird, thats alright isn’t it, not often you get that as a treat. Moving on through the afternoon, 1pm on film4 can show you why i dont get Napoleon Dynamite as its on! this is actually a good idea to watch if you plan on seeing Benchwarmers because if i recall its because he seems to just play John Heder playing Napoleon Dynamite playing whatever character is in the particular film and that irritates me. Anyway, two hours free after it finishes so make your dinner cos at 5pm on fiveUSA has The Medallion which is a Jackie Chan American vehicle and 7pm on BBC3 has Meet the Parents which is funny. This Sunday is shaping up nicely and now you have an hour to get a shower and prepare yourself for the night shift, which comprises of Lock Up on ITV4 (10pm) (Sly Stallone in the prison one which isnt Tango and Cash) and then if you turn over to Dave while the credits come up you wont miss any of Dark Angel starring Dolph Lundgren which starts at 10 past 12. Now with all that taken in over the course of a Sunday you will have plenty and i mean plenty to talk about at your work come Monday. No need to thank me.

Wednesday 4 March 2009

CT 7 March 19th

The new Cinematic Titanic is out March 19th and they're doing Blood Of The Vampires as this trailer will explain:



I didn't really need to type all that did I? Anyway reports from live performances of this one say it's a gem. Not long to wait to find out!

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Here is what i left off mondays movie T.W.A.T. post that i promised for today.

Wed 4th Mar 09

Have you ever watched Jack and Sawyer and Kate and Locke et al in the tv phenomenon Lost? Have you ever watched an episode and saw someone in a flashback for instance who was so familiar let not so you typed in Lost into the old Imdb website to check out who it is (Locke’s dad is the guy from Roadhouse by the way) well when you type it in then the TV series shows up and also a film from the year 2004 starring Dean Cain well this film is on tonight at 5 past 12 on bbc1, no idea what its about or anything just recognised it from imdb and thought i would share. Other stuff on worth noting is channel4 at 1.15, C4 like to stick a wee indie movie in during the night which is great, sometimes you get a wee gem, however a lot of them now have sign language which is irritating. tonight’s one is The Safety of Objects which is about unhappy suburban americans, sounds about right!

Once Upon a Time in the Midlands is on film4 too, 11.05. Shane Meadows, what a guy!

Thurs 5th Mar 09

What a swizz Thursday is i have to say, Will Smith season continues on fiveUSA with Men II Black at 9, weird way of writing it and all. On normal telly, there is only one thing on, 10pm on five, BLOODSPORT! Bloodsport, no more needs to be said.

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: The DVD



The Dr. Horrible DVD's a bit of a hard sell. The film's only forty two minutes long and it's freely available online, as was intended by creator Joss Whedon. Don't get me wrong, it's the usual Whedon-y goodness in which Neil Patrick Harris plays Dr. Horrible, the arch nemesis of Nathan Fillion's Captain Hammer. Horrible keeps a video blog on his evil doing that gets derailed thanks to his love for Penny (Felicia Day) who he sees down the local laundrette. Oh, and it's also a musical. It's well worth seeing, but as I said, you can do so online for free.

As such unless you don't have access to a computer the DVD is really all about the extras, and as such that's what I'm actually reviewing. There's the pretty standard making of and trailer plus a commentary involving pretty much everyone involved that's funny and informative. The real gems of the package are a thirty minute showcase of fan made videos in which they apply to join the Evil League Of Evil, there's some very funny and genuinely well produced stuff here, and Commentary! The Musical. This is the main reason to own the DVD. It's a commentary track that's performed as if it were also part of the musical and works as a very funny parody of them. There's some brilliant stuff on it, the highlight of which is one of the female producers bemoaning the fact that Asians are the only minority to be shoved into the background in TV and film, her case seemingly being confirmed as she was only allowed to play one of Captain Hammer's stalker fans in the film.

So that's your lot. Commentary! The Musical is brilliant and is well worth hearing but it's really up to you if that's enough to part with your hard earned cash. If you are a big Joss Whedon fan it should be noted that everything to do with Dr. Horrible, including the DVD, is self-produced so buying it is a way to support him if you feel like doing so.

Monday 2 March 2009

It Is Upon Us!

What? Well if you need to ask that then you haven't been privy to my schoolgirl about to meet Ronan Keating-like giddiness have you? Today saw the release in the UK of My Name Is Bruce on DVD, a film that is surely destined to be the greatest thing EVER!

Or not, whatever, it has Bruce Campbell in it for fuck's sake. That should be enough.

Anyway I don't have it yet as I pre-ordered on Amazon. Imagine my horror then when I was in my local WH Smith and they had it! I thought they'd be too bloody snobby for a Campbell Joint and so went ahead and got it online. Ach well, it just means I'll come home to find a Brucey Bonus waiting for me later this week.

Rest assured I'll watch and review the hell out of it!

Sunday 1 March 2009

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 2nd Mar - 5th Mar 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.

Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Monday 2nd Mars 09

A Time to Kill is on bbc1 at 11.15 tonight and guess what, its a decent John Grisham adaptation! Trust me when i say that there is a good few Grisham adapts and by and large they suck, the Chamber being a massive disappointment, but this, this one is good. C4 have phone booth on a little earlier at 11 however and this is perfect for if you have work then next day, why? Only because its one of the shortest films in the last few years! Its on commercial telly and stil comes in under 2hrs, thats just grand. Also on council telly is Police Story (11pm , five) is it just me or is it wrong that our inteligence is insulted in some papers and guides when they billit as Jackie Chans Police Story as if we wouldnt know it already, i mean we all knew exactly what it was aiming at when we read it didn't we? wrong wrong wrong!

Prime time viewing on the digi telly has ITV2 showing Chronicles of Riddick at 9pm, this is the follow up sort of of Pitch Black, which was really rather good though i havent heard too many good things about this, what has really happened to Vin Diesel, remember he presented the European Music Awards in Edinburgh years ago? what will happen to Katy Perry then in years to come? heres hoping its porn.

Film4 have a wee bit of a rotoscoping evening happening with Richard Linklaters two efforts using it back to back, A Scanner Darkly then its predecessor, in style not content, Waking Life. Rotoscoping to the uninitiated is when the live action is painted over frame by frame to make it look animated, it looks cool when done right and this is it done right. bbc4 continue its Hitchcock week, a week i never actually realised was a week until today with Stage Fright then a another wee doco. Nice.

Oh i must mention that sky3 is showing Aztec Rex again so if you missed it on Friday then dont miss it tonight, read the weekend TWAT to see what i am talking about. USually wouldnt mention a repeat on digi channel but when it comes to Aztec Rex exceptions can be made!

Tuesday 3rd Mar 09

normal telly is showing jack shit except Film 2009, which is notable because they are reviewing Watchmen and it spilce friends looks ace! also after film 2009 some British piece of fluff is on, The One and Only, I dont think i have ever heard of it but get the feeling my ever so slight insomnia might lead to me catching a bit of it so i thought i would flag it up anyway.

Digital telly is where its at this fine Tuesday as its Hollywood gold all the way! Panic Room (9pm) on fiveUSA for instance? ITV4 showing Escape from LA then Boyz in the Hood back2back form 10 past 10? film4 showing Independance Day (9pm)? The choice is yours, eacha nd every one is a bone fide winner!

PSome points on a few of them however, what exactly is in a long neck that the guys in Boyz in the Hood and such films drink? and also, who remembers wehn Independance Day was like the biggest thing ever to happen in any given summer? oh and the video box had a hologram thing of the White House which when you moved it left or right it showed the White House on the cusp of blowing up or actually blowing up. Small joys, frankly you can stick your bluray up your arse, holograms such as that are much better than seeing folks plooks cos of the extremly good quality of HD!

Wed 4th Mar 09 and 4th Mar 09 will appear on these pages on Wed about sixish.