Kick-Ass

Where to begin with Kick-Ass. Well the Daily Mail hate it so take that as a glowing recommendation (or scathing slam depending on your right wing hate rag stance). Of course they were always going to given that it's a violent, murdery, sweary enjoy-a-thon that features an eleven-year-old assassin who likes to call people "cunts". You're either very excited and about to get off your arse and see it or you're grimacing whilst marching to the cupboard to get your well-worn "down with this sort of thing" placard.

For those not looking to harass average cinema goers Kick-Ass is the sort of exhilarating thing Tarantino used to make before he became a sad parody of himself. It's trashy, visually stunning, in fact it's probably the best directed film of the year so far in that respect, and is very knowing about its subject, in this case superhero origin stories. The proposed Spiderman reboot is going to have to go some way to outdo this. It takes all the things the first Raimi Spiderman did and ups it, all the time the movie's tongue placed so far in its cheek it's virtually bursting through it. Dave (Kick-Ass) is really just a dorky teenager playing at being a superhero and suffers as much failure as he enjoys success. He's also not really that clever and so it's mainly his mistakes that drive the plot forward.

He's not the only main character though, there's also Big Daddy and Hit Girl, his pre-teen, highly trained in the art of murder daughter. There's a sly message about how a parent's upbringing can damage a child but it's caked in so much blood from the mayhem these two cause for you to really pay attention. It's not really that kind of film. Nic Cage gives his best performance in years, after The Wicker Man remake and Next it wouldn't be difficult, as a man playing at being Batman, right down to the speech patterns. The main difference is that he's mainly looking to dish out gunishment in a way Bruce Wayne would probably baulk at. When we first meet him he's seen shooting Hit Girl in the chest, she's wearing body armour, to toughen her up. She's daddy's little girl right down to the weapon obsession and bloodlust. You can see why her presence may be troubling for many as we watch her hack off limbs and take out swathes of goons in orgiastic scenes of violence. Do you know what though? They're also cool as fuck. It's troubling that you feel that but there's an undoubted buzz from watching any of Hit Girl's hyperkinetic action scenes. And in Chloe Moretz you've got a performance that is simply unbelievable from someone that young. She genuinely sells the fact that while she's still a young girl who likes hot chocolate and bowling she could also kill you before you have a chance to move.

Kick-Ass is a funny, smart, violent and, above all else, fun piece of cinema. There's no doubting the controversial nature of much of the material, or the fact that it can make you feel a little uneasy, but if you can overlook this there's so much here to love. The performances are excellent, the dialogue knowing and hilarious and it is visually brilliant. Matthew Vaughn has surpassed anything he has made so far and really established himself as a top notch director with this. His greatest achievement though may have been in making the most perfect anti-Daily Mail film ever made. If nothing else, love him for that.

Twilight: New Moon

Aye, that's right, get over it ya tube. I actually watched it with the thoroughly brilliant Rifftrax treatment, the preview of which follows now in this video window thing here, look:



The thing that really strikes you about New Moon is how dull it is. This is a movie that features vampires and werewolves doing battle and is aimed at today's ADD addled teens. So how the hell can so little actually happen for two hours? How do they actually like this snorefest? How do you take a film with vamps and lycans fighting and not make that cool as fuck?

Basically it sums up how poorly written, directed, acted, CGIed and many other processes that end in 'ed' this turd is. It makes the first Twilight flick look positively buoyant in comparison. You can at least forgive that some of its talky nature as it's the first of a series and has a lot to set up. New Moon has no excuses. Beyond the werewolves and the vamp royal family there's nothing new here. Actually those two things are a real bone of contention and show how many mistakes have been made in the making of this. The two groups are easily the best things about this, even the finely toned abbed Moon lovers. There's actually something quite interesting going on with the Native Americans who find out they're cursed and there's some genuine anguish on show. It's not werewolf from Monster Squad thanking the Dad for killing him and putting him out of his misery, hell that was written by Shane Black. No don't expect that film's brilliant treatment of monsters here. There are tantalising glimpses of the better film that this would be if we could follow them though, such as the older chap's scarred girlfriend. An even better movie would be one all about the Vampire royals who are pretty much the one good thing Stephanie Meyer has come up with, sorry teens, she didn't invent werewolves. Sadly they don't turn up until the very end of the film and feel almost like an afterthought, "we'd better actually have something happen in this film, quick put in some baddies". Basically they're afforded the same treatment as lame ponytail vamp in the first Twilight.

Nope instead we are left to follow Bella moaning and whining for about an hour and a half after Edward buggers off. This is another big mistake, surprising I know, as he just appears as some sort of fart-like vapour through this whole segment of the film and it transpires he actually is the more interesting of the two central characters. Listening to Kristen's Stewart's mumbling, pause laden incomplete sentence filled "performance" is torture for anyone who has already spent their teen years in the company of tens of people exactly like this. Thanks to the saga's demographic we're stuck with this character and her little problems, like wanting to die and her boyfriend being a dick and that childhood friend's starting to look attractive and it's not fair that I've got a group of diverse friends from all backgrounds who really like me even though I treat them like shit...and so on, and so on. And of course they're treated as the most important things in the world, because to a teen they are. The last one is the one that grates most though, as it shows how much of a teen lassie wish fulfilment box ticking exercise the whole thing is. The fact that Bella is painted as one of those outcast, if she were male she'd be gunning down her classmates types and yet she's also the most popular person this side of Carl from The Simpsons. Supposedly her "winning smile" and "ray of sunshine attitude towards life" are enough to make her belle of the ball. Give me a shitting break. But then I'm really not in this piece of arsewipe's demographic am I? I want vampires that murder people and explode in the sun, not ones who look like they've fallen in a vat of glitter. The Count from Sesame Street's more terrifying. I do have to ask though, are teenage lassies really stupid? I ask because the best little artistic flourish that the director actually manages has been ruined by one of those decisions that assumes the audience aren't clever enough to keep up with what's happening. It's a simple little montage of Bella sitting in a chair by a window being all depressed as she's been dumped. The camera does numerous full 360s around her and each time we see the window the weather has changed to suggest some months have passed. It's by no means incredible, I know, but it jumps out because everything else about the direction is so flat. The problem is that subtitles have been added so everytime you see out the window it tells you what month it is. Either the director really is as dire as the rest of the film suggests or someone in a suit decided that audiences just won't get what is happening in this scene. It's the sort of thing that should make viewers of the movie angry because the makers are treating you like an idiot. But we let them get away with it, not only by failing to noticed them talking down to us but by continuing to actually watch and read crap like Twilight. If ever something existed to manipulate its audience it's this.

So there you have it, the worst film ever to feature vampires and werewolves. At least any schlocky z-grade movie that has both would be in some way fun to watch. The episode of The Real Ghostbusters that had them both fighting done it better Christ! This is horrifying to anyone who isn't a teenage female. So that's me then. A boring, bland, nothing movie that will probably be the greatest thing you've ever seen if you're part of the demographic it's aimed at. For the rest of us it's best just to let the Rifftrax guys make it fun to watch.

Paranormal Activity

Remember The Blair Witch Project? More to the point remember the hype machine that came with it? It was probably the first film to properly utilise the internet to promote a film. Well you'll remember the fact that it really was just an hour and a bit of camcorder footage documenting not very much happening in the company of some characters who annoyed you so much you couldn't wait to see them die. A decade later welcome to more of the same, only somehow less so. Yes, even more nothing posing as tension happens in Paranormal Activity than in Blair Witch, only this time instead of it taking place in a spooky woods it all goes down in one bloody room.

The internet hype about this mainly dwelled on the fact that it was made for a very low budget and that even without all the usual Hollywood bells and whistles it remains terrifying. The hype-mongers kind of got this right. Without the usual over the top effects or gore the film still lives with its larger budget peers, not because it's scary, but because it feels as derivative and piss poor as any of the Saws or Asian remakes being churned out. Whereas, say, a Sam Raimi or a Peter Jackson positively thrived when faced with the challenge of having no money to work with and turned in hugely entertaining and creative movies with miniscule budgets, here the emphasis appears to be to do as little as possible thus saving cash. Hence all the action taking place within one house, and in particular the bedroom. At one point the main protagonists actually venture out into the garden but it's at night so it feels as stuffy and sparse as every other setting. It may as well have been shot inside. Manos The Hands Of Fate had more scenic sets. Some may say this makes the thing wonderfully claustrophobic, instead you'll just get fed up looking at the place. It doesn't help that the house is populated by two woeful actors, again for budget reasons, who procede to whine and generally act like twats throughout. You begin wondering how the demonic force has been able to hang around them for so long without just packing in and going to possess someone less annoying.

It's not that Paranormal Activity is a particularly awful film, it's just not a very good one. Many will defend it citing the miniscule budget as a reason for its many deficiencies. Fun, entertaining and ambitious movies have been made for similar amounts of money, adjust Evil Dead's budget for inflation and it probably cost less. The problem lies in the fact that Hollywood saw their chance to ramp up the hype yet again. Blair Witch was long enough ago for Paranormal Activity's target audience not to remember the hyperbole surrounding it and probably have never even heard of other "found footage" sub-genre flicks like Cannibal Holocaust and The Last Broadcast. So it must have been very easy for the PR people to just repeat all the Blair Witch stuff, right down to the underdog movie sticking it to the man fabrication these low budget successes always get tagged with. And with the mega profits of Cloverfield and a raft of other camcorder horrors ((REC), Diary of the Dead) a film that probably should have gone direct to DVD proved a very easy sell to the mass cinema audience. Rather than being some trailblazing genre saviour you'd expect from the build up Paranormal Activity is just the same box ticking, copy cat guff that Hollywood serves up to horror fans constantly.

CT 9: Alien Factor Live

Sometimes a film comes along that is simply stunning. Not stunning like "Oh my this is a brilliant piece of filmmaking", I mean stunning as in it leaves you stunned. Alien Factor is one such film. It has, to pardon the pun, the "wow factor" as in "wow that's a terrible beard and hairdo combo" or "woe, is that monster wearing sensible trousers?" The decisions taken in almost every instance seem to be the wrong ones. In the filmmakers' defence there is actually a half decent idea at the heart of the story but absolutely nobody involved has the talent to bring up above the mediocre chunder on show.

As such I quite enjoyed it. There's a lot in it to love, nothing of which the filmmakers meant. From the use of innappropriate cars clearly borrowed off of a mate for any official to the constant mentions of how bad the snow is, clearly scripted thinking there would be tons of the stuff when it came time to film on location when in fact there is none, Alien Factor provides more laughs than any comedy Hollywood will release this year. It also has one of the best characters to appear in any riffed movie in the shape of the sheriff played by what appears to be a local dude replete with awesome hairdo and a swagger that suggests "that's right, I'm playing the hero in a movie". Sadly, although not if you're wanting to laugh uproariously, he's balanced out by a monster that appears for the final battle that is so inept it makes the others in the film, even trouser monster, look great. It is achieved through a number of effects, all amazing in their sheer pishyness. The stop motion animation shows what Harryhausen's most famous creations would have worked had he lost his hands in an industrial accent but decided to continue doing the project he was working on anyway. It is then double exposed over footage of a tubby bloke with a beard falling about because the creature's supposed to be hitting him. Problem is it's completely see through thanks to a botch in the effect and just to confirm the endevour's ineptitude the wooden floor that it was sitting on when animated is still seen kind of haunting the forrest setting that the scene's supposed to take place in. Of course the entire fight hasn't been choreographed so most of the time either the monster and the bloke it's fighting actually stand in the same place, they completely miss one another with their respective attacks or the bloke throws himself to the ground like an Italian footballer while the thing just sits there having not even attempted to attack. then it just dies suddenly for no apparant reason. It makes the rake fight from Hobgoblins look professional. There is a better encounter between a beastie and a character though. The sheriff's deputy decides to go and hunt the monster having convinced himself that the old 50's sci-fi/horror get out clause fire may kill the creature so he sets out with a gas cannister. When he finally finds the monster does he douse it in petrol and throw a match at it in super cool slo-mo? Eh, no. Instead he just throws the cannister at it and runs. In a way this small moment sums up the entire film being at once dreadful and yet somehow glorious.

As you can imagine the Titans don't really have to work hard to make this edition of Cinematic Titanic hilarious. At moments they feel comfortable to just let the movie speak for itself, at which point it begins stuttering and slethering all over its chin. During a painfully long walking scene designed to pad out the film's running time, sorry, to "build tension", Josh flat out declares that the problem with riffing on a movie is that sometimes walking is just walking. Of course this makes it sound as though they've admitted defeat, which couldn't be further from the truth. It's really just a brilliant piece of self-reflexive humour. The riffing is in fact excellent throughout and has that same kinetic energy that made their previous live outing, East meets Watts, so infectious. It's an energy that has sometimes been found lacking in their studio based offerings. take Joel's bit during yet another walking scene when the editing takes a turn for the erratic. Now this is something that happens often in these shlocky movies and is easily commented on. Joel turns it into an act by illusionist Drake Unger who can make ladies disappear and then reappear elsewhere. It's a breathlessly clever way of riffing on a steadfast feature of the many movies riffed by him over the years. Alien Factor is full of these of course from the score by a guy the director knows who got a Moog synth for his Xmas to a complete lack of lighting in any night scenes. The riffing on these is constant and brilliant. Also look for the movie deciding to take a break and go outside to play with a ball because it's sunny and the drunk guy who has a house with two basements.

Alien Factor as a film falls into that "has to be seen to be believed" category. Any chance the multiple aliens stalking the inhabitants of a small town after a space freighter crashes near it plot had of being good is choked by the unshakable grasp of non-talent that infects this picture. The decision making is so bad that it turns it from being a low-budget sci-fi/horror into a spot on parody of a low-budget sci-fi/horror. Shame none of it was intended to be funny, but it makes it a must see for those fascinated by car crash cinema. Add to this some fantastic riffing and you have the second essential CT purchase in a row. So far the live DVDs have been so good that a return to the studio may actually be a letdown. Fingers crossed not, but for now live Cinematic titanic reigns supreme.

2D Or Not 2D

Hollywood, California and studio execs at all the major movie players are looking at ways to increase revenues during such a hard financial time. Whilst 3D, and in particular James Cameron's Avatar, has proved a worthy money spinner this is still not enough to keep Tinseltown's party thriving. Execs have realised that profits on 3D films could be doubled if there was more of a "wow factor" for the audience.

Explains one Splice source; "The problem with 3D so far is that although it flies out right at your face so does the rest of reality. Plus reality has form and doesn't suffer from things being cut in half in mid-air by dodgy framing. As such many people simply respond to 3D with a 'meh'."

The studio execs have identified a simple fix to this situation. They plan to lobby governments around the world hard to make reality 2D. Says the shadowy source; "If reality is all flat and stuff suddenly a 3D movie is the most incredible thing ever! think about it, nothing in your life sticks out whatsoever and then you go to see a film for some escapism and BLAM! the film vomits from the screen in your general direction. Profits should increase at least two-fold".

The film studios won't find it easy to make this flat experience a reality if previous form is anything to go by. A move to have reality sepia toned when colour was introduced ended in disaster when two people in the small Iowa town used as a test case died thanks to being elergic to the cuttlefish juice added to the town's water supply. The experiment involving individual pyrex bubbles that cut out exterior noise around the introduction of sound had even greater tragedy surrounding it. Any flattening procedure will have to be proven non-fatal.