Great Swayze Lines From The Movies

Here's a bumper Great Lines special dedicated to Splice Hero of Cheese Patrick Swayze:

"Well, when you grow up... then you'll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator" - Jed shows how age gives you new perspectives on how to fix a car, Red Dawn

"You just put your pickle on everybody's plate, college boy, and leave the hard stuff to me" - Johnny talking about sex, or dancing, or whatever, it's a bloody chick flick and, no, I'm not including that line about an infant on the periphery of the room or something, Dirty Dancing

"I'm gonna do my kind of dancin' with a great partner, who's not only a terrific dancer; somebody who's taught me that there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them; somebody who's taught me about the kind of person I wanna be" - Film's message, you are clear to land via Swayze's mouth, Dirty Dancing

"Ditto" - Sam Wheat proves that with the ladies all you need is one word that means "right back at ya" to make them melt, oh and some killer abs, Ghost

"You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear" - Jim Cunningham, who is an actual prisoner, a product of liking little kids a tad too much, Donnie Darko

And now a drum role for the two best roles Mr. Swayze ever had, both are endlessly quotable and so here's a shitload of quotes:

First the Steven Pressley lookalike Bodhi from Point Break (you can follow each one of these quotes with the phrase "like dude"):

"Little hand says it's time to rock and roll"

"100% pure adrenaline!"

"Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?"

"Back off Warchild, seriously"

"They only live to get radical"

"Goddamn! You are one radical son of a bitch!"

"Six seconds. We're going to be meat waffles"

"Yo, Johnny! I see you in the next life!"

And now for the Swayziest of all the Swayze roles, Dalton from Roadhouse (insert "FUUUUUCK YAAAAAAAAS!!!!!" after each of these quotes)

"Pain don't hurt"

"All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice"

"I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice"

"If you're gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash"

"My way... or the highway"

I think that we should go back to Point Break's Bodhi for our final quote:

"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love"

Swayze Hits The Highway

Sadly Patrick Swayze has lost his battle with cancer. At the time of the news of his diagnoses Splice made him the first "Splice Hero Of Cheese" and the sentiments expressed there still hold true.

The fact that he continued to work after the diagnosis and didn't turn what was left of his life into a media circus is testament to the guy.

Let's remember him the way he should be, shirtless and kicking ass:



R.I.P. Dalton

My Name Is Bruce: The Review

Well it has been thoroughly watched from start to finish and here are my thoughts;

It's puerile, stupid, has racially stereotypical characters, the plot's pretty much the same as Three Amigoes, flat direction, poor acting, poorer special effects, a cheap looking monster, the plot's pretty much the same as Galaxy Quest, geographically stereotypical characters, a corny love story, dick jokes, fart jokes, hundreds of references to bad Bruce Campbell films, it's damn cheesy, it features gay cowboys, the plot's pretty much the same as A Bug's Life, guy drinks piss and complains that it's warm joke, no nudity, corn syrup all over the place,

AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!

And I bet you won't. Because you like "proper" movies that don't star Bruce Campbell as himself fighting a Chinese God of war. What a boring life you must lead.

My Name Is Bruce: The Countdown Theme Music Plays As We Are Nearing The Time

That's right! My palms are sweaty! Amazon just emailed me recommending the My Name Is Bruce DVD at knock down price because it's now less than a week to go.

Seriously, I'm trying not to poo myself with excitement, although a week is a long time to hold in a jobbie so I'll probably just go about doing a few in the regular scheduled manner.

My Name Is Bruce: Update

Empire has reviewed it. They gave it 2 stars (out of 5). Personally I'm glad. Why? Because a Bruce Campbell film shouldn't be a 5 star getter, that's why. It bodes well for me that "serious" reviewers don't like it.

To quote:

"(Campbell has turned) in a clumsy comedy-horror...that squeaks through on the force of his personality alone. For Deadites only."

Sounds bloody brilliant to me!

My Name Is Bruce: The Countdown Begins

ONE MONTH! ONE MONTH until My Name Is Bruce finally appears on Region 2 DVD. It could be shite, Bruce is directing and he ain't Raimi, but it could be fuckin' brilliant in that cheesy bad excellent type way:



There's also a boxset with four of Bruce's films. That's a night of cheese right there!

The countdown begins!

Patrick Swayze

So in January I declared during my resolutions for 2008 that I was planning to write a tribute to Patrick Swayze, it's under resolution 7. It was actually something I had planned to write as far back as when Splice started but for whatever reasons I never got around to it. Now with recent news I've been motivated into knocking this out.

The thing is with Swayze is it could have been very easy for me to have hated him. He's good looking, women go all gooey over him, and he was in Dirty Dancing. Yet I don't. You see Swayze's one of what I would call a "Hero of Cheese". Those actors who are very likeable but keep turning up in piles of shite bigger than the one the sick Triceratops plopped out in Jurassic Park. No matter how bad the movie, they are great in it and as a result the movie actually becomes enjoyable.

Of course there are degrees of enjoyability. In Dirty Dancing the man dances like a motherfucker to a killer soundtrack, but the film itself is exactly the sort of tripe apparently sensible women like. Ghost is another that tugs on a women's heartstrings by being filled with those sort of cloying emotional moments that make them greet, yet they can't understand why a scene like Merrick going to sleep in The Elephant Man's actually genuinely sad. Yet Swayze's great and the movie has enough other stuff to like.

Roadhouse is the daddy though. Remember this is a movie who's logic states that a bouncer in some backwater can become World reknowned. It's bad but for all the right reasons and is almost a work of genius, falling short because I doubt anyone involved actually meant it. But you've got so much that's great, from Ben Gazzara's wonderfully over the top baddie, to Kelly Lynch being really hot in that 80's film way, to Jeff Healy, who died himself recently, playing the guitar on his lap while being all kinds of blind, to big, bad Sam Elliott in his coolest role outside of the Big Lebowski. Then there's the logic that I don't even want to go into as this piece will end up dissertation length but just watch it for yourself if you haven't. Topping all of this is Swayze. He's cool as in this and it's pretty clear that after Dirty Dancing proved he'd hump you in a dance contest, he'd also batter you senseless if you attempted a square go to restore some manly pride afterwords.



There are others worth seeing. Point Break is a decent stab at an actioner, elevated by Swayze's method performance as a zen surfer/bank robber/Steven Pressley look-a-like. Christ the poor sod had to drag Keanu Reeves through the thing so I'd say he deserves a retroactive Oscar for that alone.

What's great about Swayze in all of these is that he throws himself into the roles. He's clearly having a bawl as well. And at all times he remains likeable, a guy who's clearly a bit awrite if you bumped into him. You actually want his characters to succeed because he's playing them. The best part is he never stoops to smarm for smarm's sake. Even when he popped up in Donnie Darko. His performance is only smarmy because that's the character. And when he appeared I for one was delighted to see him. His casting may have been some nudge, nudge, wink, wink nostalgic 80's reference but he was perfect for the role and gave a pretty damn good performance, maybe his best.

So as I've said, likeable. He seems to be a genuinely nice guy in an industry filled with arseholes. When I heard the news of his illness I was saddened because of the nature of what's happening to him. Too many Hollywood types go out having partied so hard their bodies couldn't keep up, or whined about the pressure of what would be most people's dream job to the point that they took the coward's way out. Judging by his performances in the aforementioned films Swayze enjoys his craft. Maybe he's not the greatest at it, but sometimes a hamburger's more enjoyable than a steak.

My hat is off to the first of Splice's "Heroes of Cheese".