Merry Christmas!

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 24

S. A. C. 2008: December 24th

How Santa's Sleigh Works

So how does one fat guy, a bunch of elves and a shedload of toys make it around the world, well the Christian bits anyway, with just a sleigh and some reindeer at his disposal? HowStuffWorks have had a stab at it, since Kringle ain't for talking.

Now there will be those cynical, cold-hearted sods that'll claim that there's no way to move at that speed. They'll say that Santa would burn in screaming agony while Rudolph and his reindeer chums would turn to paste. Screw them. These are the people that don't deserve happiness. The biggest problem with Christmas is that the innocence and wonder is lost for everyone over a certain age, and I'd say that age is getting younger. So instead of poo-pooing the magic do something to keep the spirit alive, like when Norad track Santa's progress on Christmas Eve.

Let's make this time of year special, not just for the kids, but for everyone, regardless of age, religion or race!

Merry Christmas (or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate, I'm personally looking to create Chocolatemas for this time next year) everyone!

Splice Advent Calendar 2008: Day 23

S.A.C. 2008: December 23rd

Well its come to my last day of opening the calendar so I will simply wrap up the Christmas Tree saga, my decorations are complete and so the grand unveiling is upon us. It may be this is its only viewing as i dont get too many visitors (one, two, three, AHHHHHH!) so here it is in all its glory. Just enough time to say, Merry Christmas to all Splice subscribers and casual readers, hope Santas good to you.

Ruud

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 22

S. A. C. 2008: December 22nd

Inappropriate Christmas Songs

Splice Advent Calendar 2008: Days 19 & 21

So here is what happened, again it happens every year without fail, i opened the door on the 19th and nothing was inside, nothing at all, i thought thats weird but ultimately with nothing inside there is nothing to show you guys. But, directly below the number 19 door is 21 and when i opened that this morning i found out that 19 had slipped down and the two were there in front of me. I am sure this has happened to you all so no need to give me hard times, basically now you get a double treat today and ye cany grumble at that!

S.A.C. 2008: 19th December

Time for another Christmas minor irritation, today its.....aftershave/perfume ads! What the bloody hell are they all about? What are they telling us? Are we really to believe that if we buy this stuff then we will look like that, act like that an have burds falling at our feet? really?

Some of the culprits, Armani's Diamonds both for men and woman, the aftershave has Josh Hartnett in it, the perfume; Beyonce, bugging as hell, Dolce and Gabanna aftrshave, the ad has Matthew McConoghey with his shirt off, do i really need to see that at half time during the fitba? er, no. Paco Rabann's One Million is on all the bloody time another ad that gets my tits! Sean John, Armani code, Chanel no 1, the one with Nicloe Kidman that is like Moulin Rouge, the list goes on and on! Basically it seems its just a bumper pay day for film stars, the bastards, making us feel inadequite while trying to convice us to buy their products witht heir thinly veiled line of bullshit advertising!

If your wondering what i am talking about, simply type a particular perfume or aftershave into youtube and go mad or click onto this guys page cos he is collating them for some weird reason. (surely everyone hates them?)

http://www.dmfragrances.co.uk/store/perfume-adverts.aspx

An advert i would like to see thatr is to do with aftershave would be a lesson in how to put on aftershave with George Clooney or some guy from Lost (not John Locke) because really, who knows what to exactly do with it, do you actually put it on your face, behind your ears, on your wrists? what is the protocol for aftershave, its one of the mysteries of growing up and one that seemingly has never been revealed, when we die i suppose we will be told the meaning of life and the secrets of putting on aftershave, both of which will be of absolutely no fucking use then!

Incidentally, form Christmas day onwards the Aftershave spaces are taken up by ads for settees, but dont get me started on them!

S.A.C. 2008: 21st December

I think Red's summation of the Holiday Tv on day 20 is a bit cynical personally, an excuse for a cheap gag really. So here is my pick of the festive telly from today till new years day and i wont be using the frankly snobby radio times rather the free telly book out the Sunday Mail.

21st: 30 Rock. Channel five. I havent seen this show and its whole first season is being repeated on five over the festive period, it kicks off tonight so i shall set ma video for it.
22nd: Father Ted Xmas Special. Channel 4. A tv classic.
23rd: Rab C Nesbitt. BBC2. Back after all those years, this might very well be pish but here is only one way to find out.
Xmas Eve: Sky High. BBC1. Good film about a school for superheroes.
Xmas Day: National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. ITV. The Griswalds at Chrimbo, what could be better.
Boxing Day: Worlds Strongest Man; 30 Years of Pain. Channel five. It wouldnt be Christmas without Strongman for me so this is a look back at all that sort of stuff, atlas stones, pulling trains and whatever the hell Met RX is.
27th: Fitba. Setanta/Sky Sports. Old firm for those who care but waiting on the Killie score with Jeff Stelling is terrific fun.
28th: Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Channel 4. Always good fun.
29th: Uncle Buck. ITV. Its frustrating when these sort of films appear on at afdternoon times as they have clearly been edited to take the super funny swearing out but even still this film is class.
30th: Shooting Stars. BBC2. A show that shaped my sense of humour, bloody love it when Vic Reeves kids on he is playing the keyboard while Bob dances. bloody love it.
Hogmanay: Only an Excuse. BBC1. Its been right shite for years but still needs to be watched.
New Years Day: The Krypton Factor. ITV. its back, spend the whole show booing that they havent brought back Gordon Burns though (its old host) unless it turns out its quite gid, then just watch it and enjoy.

and thats it, the 2nd sees Celeb big bro come back, which might be good, and the new year sees lost, dexter and stuff back so its not all doom and gloom. Happy viewing.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 20

S. A. C. 2008: December 20th

Christmas Telly

I've got my Christmas edition of the Radio Times so let's have a look at what's on between today and January 2nd.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 18

S. A. C. 2008: December 18th

In response to Ruud's Xmas tree saga I thought I'd post some of my own. Shamefully I don't put them up in my house, I'm not a scrooge I'm just lazy. So here's a video I made of Paisley's Christmas lights which are actually pretty damn good. Enjoy:

Splice Advent Calendar 08: Day 17

S.A.C. 2008: 17th December

here is my top 5 Christmas songs. these are the ones that get me going year in year out. The ones i actually enjoy repeated ad nauseum for 6 weeks!

#5.



#4.



#3.



#2.



#1.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 16

S. A. C. 2008: 16th December

Look at this Xmas billboard advert:


Now is it just me or are we being forced to look up a turkey's vaginal cavity? Or did Christmas On Mars actually freak me out more than I actually let on?

Splice Advent Calendar 08: Day 15

S.A.C. 2008: 15th December

It always happens, every year, usually when you slept in on a school day and were rushing around trying to brush your teeth and put your jumper on.

What am i talking about? forgetting to open the advent calendar of course, and thats what i did. Hence, the 15th door is being opened on the 16th (today), now lets see whats behind that door................

Its Christmas gambling time! yeah!

Typical seasonal punts are number one in the pop charts and also whether or not it will snow. but there are others.

Xfactor sadly has taken the fun (was their really any fun?) out of the race to xmas number one but the bookies are still taking bets. In fact paddy power is taking bets on who will finish top without the xfactor single in the running. what about Status Quo at 50/1 or Jeff Buckley at a 9/4 for all the sad sacks that think getting it to chart will actually mean something in the long run. Plenty of choices to be made!

What about number one toy? here is your choices, again with paddy power.
High School Musical 3 Musical Dance Mat 3 - 1 Catcha Beast 9 - 1 MB Elefun Game 16 - 1 Star Wars Clone Trooper Voice Changer 5 - 1 FurReal Biscuit, My Lovin’ Pup 10 - 1 Dr Who Classic Figures 20 - 1 Rubik's Cube 5 - 1 Dance with me Teletubby 11 - 1 Rescue Pals Swim To Me Puppy 25 - 1 Ben 10 Deluxe Omnitrix 6 - 1 In The Night Garden Upsy Daisy and Her Chase and Play Bed 12 - 1 BABY born with Magic Potty 33 - 1 Hannah Montana Tour Bus 7 - 1 Bakugan Battle Brawlers 6 pk 12 - 1 Cupcake Maker 40 - 1 Elmo Live 8 - 1 Bop it extreme 14 - 1

am i missing something, Dr Who clasic figures, really? what kid wants that pish? personally Il have the rubiks cube please!

Anyway, glasgow is 7/4 to see snow on the big day, the same price as New York!

Check out any big bookmaker site and look at their xmas specials, happy xmas gambling!

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 14

S. A. C. 2008: 14th December

So you've taken Ruud's tips on what to buy your loved ones, but there's that one lot of born again Christians twice removed on your Mum's side that you haven't figured out what to buy for yet. What do you get them since absolutely everything that brings joy that isn't somehow related to our saviour is a sin?

You get the kids these for a start:



As for the adults? For Dad how about some Jesus socks? Mum's a bit trickier. You see as much as she'd probably like an apron it's doubtful it''ll make her as happy as this flash game. That'll teach him for stealing the Lord's thunder this Yuletide.

See, sometimes the best gifts really are free!

Splice Advent Calendar 2008: Day 13

S.A.C. 2008: 13th Decemeber

its now the 13th, your probably bricking it cos you havent done your shopping and there is only two weekends left and the shops will be rammed and your skint and all the other reasons, yada yadda yadda.

Here is 5 totally stinking ideas for gifts to fuck with your head.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 12

S. A. C. 2008: 12th December

Christmas On Mars



Oooh where to go with this one. I love The Flaming Lips, hokey hippie stuff and all, but the prospect of a movie shot in Wayne Coyne's back garden about madness in space always had the whiff of something bad. Of course it could have been excellent, their music is even though some of the ideas can be a bit fluffy and that. Sadly it's not.

The plot's a mess, the acting's poor and to put it mildly, it's pretty fucked up. It's not all bad though. Some of the visuals are pretty impressive, especially the sporadic use of colour, and the sound is fantastic, although that was pretty much a given of course.

Sadly in the end what this feels like is a bunch of people making their own little, low budget It's An Erasurehead Christmas out their backdoor. That said if you're planning on getting really high this Christmas to survive the "festivities" and want a film to freak you out that has a Yuletide theme then this may be for you.

Splice Advent Calendar 2008: Day 11

S.A.C. 2008: 11th Decemeber

Time for a wee moan. This

is a classic, no doubt about it a cracking tune and as mucha part of Christmas as Turkey, Santa and Jesus, (maybe slightly more than Jesus in these commercial times)

BUT

and its a big but, why on the video, played repeatedly i must add are the drums at the end so loud, i cant get them out my head, and am tellign you incase you havent noticed it. Annoying! a minor annoyance, true but an annoyance all then same. Your life will never be the same again, sorry.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 10

S. A. C. 2008: 10th December

Now to that all time Christmas classic, a film of small town cheer with a big heart, sure to warm the cockles of even the loneliest soul this Yuletide:

Splice Advent Calendar 08: Day 9

S.A.C. 2008: 9th December

this may get deleted from youtube sometime soon (it happens more often than you'd think) so if its a blank screen your seeing well thats what happened, i should tell you that its really good, and funny too, with a Christmas twist which is kinda mandatory for this sort of advent calendar type thing.




NEWS FLASH!

Update on my tree, it succesfully survived transit from one house to another, bauble shopping yesterday was fruitless, i am today pondering the merits of tinsel on a tree, is it socially acceptable, should i decorate my tree with it, and if so do i want big thick tinsel or thin floaty stuff?

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 8

S. A. C. 2008: 8th December

It's a Die Hard Christmas Motherfuckers!

Splice Advent Calendar 2008: Day 7

S.A.C. 2008: 7th December

I moved into my own wee flat in February this year so this is my first Christmas in it so i thought i would post updates on my decorations. The tree was bought on Friday and put put up last night, its a work in progress i must stress, the lights and about 6 baubles are on it, i shall post all further alterations for your viewing pleasure. It stands at three feet tall and cost me the princely sum of £2 pounds, The lights are blue and white and they cost £3.50, when the big light is out and its just the tree lights on it turns the white tree an lovely hue of blue, very nice.

Next on the shopping list is some more baubles, and a angel for the top, or a star, i havent decided yet. i might even if the mood takes me, make my own baubles, though i must admit, that is highly unlikely. Also this photo was taken at my Girls house not mine, it has still to be moved to its home. Anyway, i am off to do a little Christmas shopping tomorrow so it may not look so bare by Tuesday, i shall return with more photos.

Splice Advent Calender 08: Day 6

S. A. C. 2008: 6th December

Cinematic Titanic: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians



Cinematic Titanic's Christmas offering is a strange old affair for anyone who worships at the alter of Riff. You see the movie they have chosen to verbally destroy is Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, not so much a film as a high speed sleigh crash that killed four, ruining Christmas for all the children of the world, as long as they live in the Jesusy bit. So far, so good then. They've picked a movie worthy of the treatment meted out to it. The problem is is that it has had this treatment before. And not just by anyone, but by Mystery Science Theater 3000, or for those not knowledgeable of the Riff family tree, the show that the Cinematic Titanic crew all started out on. And it's not even a minor entry in that show's canon. It's considered an out and out classic, so much so that it was packaged in a set called The Essentials with maybe the most famous episode Manos: The Hands Of Fate. Repeated riffs aren't new. In the same season as the original Santy Claus they redone a number of Japanese movies, including five Gamera titles, previously attacked during the show's Season Zero. They improved on the first attempts no end, with a few becoming classics that the first goes would never. But the original Santy isn't a fumbled, improvised attempt like those Japanese ones so why re-riff?

It would appear for no other reason than to say "because we can". That and it really is an Xmas movie that deserves to be massacred for the holidays. Both that and the determination to prove that they can do it seems to have brought the best out in them.

Now at this juncture I'm going to admit that I am not one of those who believes that the MST3K treatment of Santy is one of their best. I actually find it to be one of their most overrated episodes. The host segments are excellent;



and the riffing is of a good level but next to some other episodes from the same time, and the later Xmas episode riffing a Mexican movie called Santa Claus, show it up to be nothing more than a decent episode. As such the consternation I felt about CT re-doing this was borne out of the idea that sometimes it's best to leave the past behind. On other words I actually shared the belief of those who love the first version that they might not do a funnier version. The main reason is the film itself. It's a glorious mess, but it's also quite boring. Plus I wasn't too sure about the whole re-riffing thing as a whole. The movie's been done by you already so just leave it.

Well, and I don't want to sound like a CT sycophant after four positive reviews so far, it's bloody brilliant. My preconceptions were made to look foolish by this. Not only is the new riffing good, it's better than the MST one. Any reservations about having to go through this film again were quickly quashed by the material. See the thing is, it's been a long time since that original episode. A long time for the writers/performers to change and for a lot of stuff to happen. At one point Joel even gives a nod to this fact by pointing out that he can't remember why Pia Zadora being in it was funny to them.

There is another secret weapon, the one CT riffer who wasn't on MST when Santy was riffed. Josh Weinstein had left the show after Season 1 so this is his first crack at it. What he does here is something that has been impressive to me about him throughout CT so far, he's a bit edgy. He seems to be the one that goes places, such as the MILF Kringle line or pointing out that not every kid's Christian in the world. And check out his cynicism during the ladder scene.

Despite being a "repeat" this is terrific fun, and perfect Xmas viewing. What at first appeared to be a problem turns out to be CT 5's strength. By repeating a movie that has been previously riffed and is well loved it has forced them to operate at the highest riffing level. Having to write a whole new set of riffs has forced them to try new angles. It's these things that make this better than the original MST3K treatment. Ultimately redoing a movie brought out the best in these guys and proved me wrong in the bestestest of ways.

You can get Cinematic Titanic 5: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians here on DVD or in high-tec download.

Splice Advent Calendar 08: Day 5

S.A.C. 2008: 5th December

Ah, the joys of Christmas mixed with terrorism: