Hurrah terrorism's finally come to Glasgow, and in typical Scottish fashion they bawsed it up big time. Whit a couple o fannies! Of course this could have been a tragic event if the two weren't so utterly fuckin useless! Imagine no bein able to drive through automatic doors cos the vehicle they chose was too big! This doesn't look like the work of criminal masterminds here people. Probably two fuckwits frae Govan that decided to ruin everybody's summer holidays.
The typical Scottish reaction to this event can be found here:
Update: I know this is mainly a film blog, but since this thing happened about five minutes from where I live and I cannae be fucked startin one o those online diary whingeathon blogs I thought I'd post about it here.
Turns out the two fuckwits were based in Houston, or Spam Belt Valley, just up the road from sunny Paisley. This explains the 4x4 that buggered the entire plan cos what better way to fit in to middle-class suburbia than with a jeep?
I posted this piece on Breaking Balls as well, a link to the Bebo page is in the links bit over there under that ginger twat, it explains what it is there. If you want to jump straight to the blog in question on said page here's a link, you lazy sod! http://www.bebo.com/BlogView.jsp?MemberId=2540164958&BlogId=4329043512
Only joking, that's the trailer to the 1994 Corman unreleased shitfest here's the real trailer:
It's summer, so I've been told, it's been pishing it down, and thus the blockbuster season is upon us. My mates suggested going to see the new Fantastic Four film for a bit of a laugh and I thought "why not? It'll get me in the mindset for the silly season where cinema turns it's brain off and blows shit up in new, entertaining ways! And hey, it'll be worth it to see Alba's breasts jiggle about and that bloke with the same name as that prick who made it so hard to be ginger in Britain during the nineties!" Two films caused my lack of expectation for this one. The first was the original Fantastic Four, not the Corman one, as it was about as entertaining as scraping a pencil sharpener blade along your scrotum, and the Corman one was worse! The other was Spidey 3 which had been a bit of a disappointment, I'll review it once the DVD comes out. The idea of a comic book movie sequel to a film that wasn't that great following a poor installment of the best series of the sub-genre wasn't exactly filling me with happy juice. How wrong could I have been?
Turns out Fantastic 2's a bit of a belter. It has it's flaws but it does something that comic book movie makers have forgotten to do: have fun. Sure all of those heroes can have some angst ridden back story or serious subtext, nothing wrong with that, but sometimes instead of that third conversation between the hero and his elderly aunt you just want them to act goofy and use their powers to fight whatever big nasty has appeared this time in some spectacular set-piece. And Fanny 2 delivers. The set pieces are great, all stretchy, fly-y and big. They put Spidey's cluttered four-way fumbles to shame thanks to a clarity on the part of the director and writers. The group all have a certain power and so here's a set piece that involves them all needing to use each one, but with the added twist of Johnny's acquirement of the gift, or curse, of being able to swap powers by touching his teammates.
This is also used to great comic effect. The movie's pretty funny, with a sort of juvenile humour stretching through most of it, normally at the expense of the hero's powers. Ignore the old family movie stand-by of the dancing in a club, it's not that long and ol' what's his face Welsh bloke can certainly move. Or maybe those were special effects. Yes the old special effects point of the review. It's a comic book movie so the thing's gonna be sodden with them. Fandango 2's are pretty damn excellent for the most part, with all of the heroes, Stretchy Boyo, Invisible Bird, Man On Fire and The Human Turd all benefiting. the best of the lot though is reserved for the best character.
The Silver Surfer is here, movie execs are probably the most excited by that, but he looks the part. Gone is the whiter than a Fairy Liquid user's dishes look and in is the T-1000 liquid metal stuff that was done for the first time 16 years ago but dammit it looks good so we're gonna roll it out once again look. And it works. I still say James Earl Jones should have played him, no matter the timbre of Larry Fishburne's voice, Darth Mufasa can cause ejaculation thanks to the rumble caused in the theatre. Almost as impressive is Galactus, look out for him/her/it passing the rings of Saturn, as he/she/it bares down on Earth.
Performance-wise, Welsh bloke's still forgettable, Alba's still just a decently pretty face and the bloke from Nip/Tuck is still the bloke from Nip/Tuck, I'll leave it up to you if that's likable or not. Chris Evans and Michael Chicklis are excellent though, the former being very easy to hate for oozing all that charisma over your new wood floors, until you realise that it's not that that you hate, it's the fact he makes you so jealous for being so damn good looking that he can get away with it, the jammy bastard. The latter has the hardest job in the the movie for my money, avoiding any reflective surface so as to avoid seeing how stupid he looks. Still, he's clearly having a bawl and that's all that's important.
Fanboy 2's well worth popping along to see as long as you don't expect miracles. The plot's guff and the dialogue's corny plus if you have an aversion to SFX there may onlybe about a second of this you can stand. If, on the other hand, Spidey left you a bit cold and you need something big and brash to help set your brain to blockbuster mode then this is well worth a shout. Far better than it had any right to be.
So I was watching Terminator 3 the other night, Big Red's one word review: pish, and it got me thinking about the second, far better film. In particular it got me thinking about the scenario involving the young John Connor. You know, the idea of someone appearing and telling you that you are the saviour of all mankind. It happens in movies, TV and everything else all the time. Think of all the fictional characters that have faced this situation; Superman, Jesus, Clark Kent, Superman...
My problem lies in the fact that these people depicted as our saviours are all in peek physical condition. Not one of them, not knowing their destiny, just let themselves go and indulged on a few too many doughnuts. Obviously if one was in poor shape it wouldn't make for a great film, I know that I can run about 25 metres before I just fall down, my body refusing to move anymore in case it actually experiences the sensation of exercise. If ol' Johnny boy Connor were in the same state as I that first big chase scene would have ended after less than thirty seconds thanks to the combination of the target being slow moving and larger. That and after 25 metres of running from T-1000 he would have dropped to the ground and curled up like a hedgehog because his asthma had kicked in. T2 would have been a short, bad movie. Still that scenario still sounds better than the shitefest third installment.
I'm not saying that tomorrow a robot from the future will approach me to say that I am mankind's last great hope and that I should hit the gym, but be warned. Just like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable I've never broken a bone. That's not to say if you shut my finger in a door it won't hurt like that time my sister shut my finger in a door, with great force creating a huge dent. Thankfully it healed 14 years later, but my point is it didn't break! Until I've plunged into a swimming pool covered in that plastic crap and not survived I'm going to ignore the naysayers who believe I just might not be the greatest thing this world has ever known. All I can say is, if I'm right and I do have to save youall from some robot uprising, you're all fucked!
Badly translated line on dodgy knock of HK DVD said by 'Moon', or maybe it's 'Ping' who says it, I don't really know, Made In Hong Kong (1997, Fruit Chan).
where "The Thing" dies. Very abruptly. With no real explanation why. After a scene where he declares he has to drink human blood only to rule out everyone present on some pretty flimsy grounds. As tense scenes go it's not really up there with that bit in The Shining where the kid goes into that room is it? Did the writer of this toss really sit down and think that an ending where the monster, and I say monster meaning "man in olden times clothing", finally rises after 80 pointless minutes building up to it only to berate his potential victims for being too old or an alci, talk about picky for someone who's been buried for 300 years, was in some way brilliant? Maybe he was looking at doing something that fucked with the conformity of the genre, a sort of anti-ending? Then again he was probably just a talentless fud who had taxed his brain coming up with all the other non-events in the movie. Just to be clear, don't see this!
*Possible other feature sprouting from this - The Movie Titles That Lie
Uni's done so I'm a dosser scumbag with no job. That means I should be writing to this with regularity now. Expect random rants about stuff, mainly film, and when I get some money reviews of films and DVDs and whatever else I'm using to fill my time, telly, games and music then. I'll also be writing some stuff about my favourite things from the past and present. It's all very exciting, to me anyway! Think you might have to sign up to leave comments, but I'd love some feedback, tell me if you agree, think I'm a tit or a really shite writer. That's why I'm doing this pish!
Imagine the scene. Chad McSquarejaw has just discovered his arch nemesis' plans for world domination. He now faces a race against time to reach Captain Bastard's lair on the other side of town. But before that he still has time to slurp down his favourite cola based drink. My that looks tasty. What brand is it. Oh the label on the can is facing straight at camera. Now the camera's zooming in just in case there are glaucoma patients in the back row. Now Chad's placed the can on a table so it dominates the mise-en-scene (DRINK PEOPLE!). Mmmm, I suddenly could go a Panda Cola for some reason. I wonder if they sell them here? Oh they do, in a cup with Chad McSquarejaw's face emblazoned on it.
Obviously the above scenario is the work of fiction, the major studios keep ignoring my script for 'Chad McSquarejaw and the Panda Pops Adventure', the bastards, but one trip to the local multiplex will tell you that by replacing Chad with Spiderman and the word Panda for Pepsi it's not all that far-fetched, although I seriously doubt the makers of the Panda line of soft drinks have the lobbying power to court Hollywood.
Corporate sponsorship, and the subsequent product placement, is nothing new. Any day now someone will restore one of those early films like 'A Trip To The Moon' and discover in tiny writing 'Levis' written up the rocket, I know the timeline might be off but I can't really be arsed researching what is a rather lame joke. The first solid case appears to be all the free publicity D.W. Griffith gave to the Klan in 'Birth Of A Nation' in return for a matching cloak and hood set (white), a wooden cross and some lighter fluid. Hollywood and the major companies have never looked back.
Product placement has now evolved into a two way thing. The product appears in the movie, the movie character appears in adverts for the product. Now we have James Bond popping up in between saving the world and pumping every half-decent bird in sight to tell us we should use Nokia phones because he does. We'll ignore the fact that while Nokia, or whatever phone company, went all out to create a phone that messages, records and plays video, has a built in MP3 player, shoots poisonous darts, can tap into the Pentagon's super computer, iron your shirt, make the perfect ham sandwich (two bits of plain Mother's Pride, slice of ham, that is all), and shockingly phone someone even when the user is in the countryside or a pub, for Bond us mere mortals will have to put up with a bog standard phone. I really don't get this idea of wanting a product because a fictional character uses it. I don't feel motivated to use something when it's endorsed by a real person, assuming anyone in Hollywood is actually real and not some creation of the Matrix (shhhhh, they're not ready yet). If Jade Goody recommends a curry house I see it for the shameless PR opportunity that both sides are using it for. When James Bond uses some fad gadget that isn't even available to me it motivates me even less to use that product. I'm not an internationally renowned superspy, and if i was I don't really see how the ability to Bluetooth homemade porn is of any use to me at all. All I'm saying is if I do buy a phone at the behest of Mr. Bond I at least want a feature that allows me to use it as a sniper rifle, or, if that's too dangerous, some breathing apparatus in case Blofeld pops open a trap door and I end up in a tank full of sharks. I doubt the ability to take grainy video is going to come in handy then. Get it sorted phone companies!
I want to see Bond as a real guy just trying to do his job as we would see how he would really react. "What do you mean I can't drive the Aston Martin? Why not Q? The makers didn't pay enough for their car to feature? What am I driving instead?" The look on his face when Q presents him with a Citroen C5 would be priceless. "God damn those French lobbying powers" he'd be heard to mutter under his breathe. I can imagine marching into M's office, "what's this that I need to wear Armani shoes on this mission? I'm climbing a fucking mountain!"
Keep all of this in mind as we embrace the news that Indy 4 is coming. I'm just dreading that the following is something we will see: Indy picks up the treasure. He smiles. Suddenly the ancient room begins to shake. Columns tumble and masonry falls from the ceiling. Indy runs through the doorway clutching the treasure. As he runs through another room arrows fire at him. He uses his whip to swing across a gaping wound in the floor. Suddenly a huge boulder rolls down from above. Indy runs with all of of his might. At the last minute he evades the boulder and rolls out of the exit to the temple. He picks himself up and dusts himself off. Then he turns to camera. "Hi, I'm Indiana Jones and in my hectic life I don't have time to be bothered by the pain caused by hemorrhoids so I use Anusol."
'Chad McSquarejaw and the Panda Pops Adventure' and the characters of Chad McSquarejaw and Captain Bastard are copyright Big Red. Or at least they will be if I can work out how to get that little circle c thing.
Whenever any wanky film school academic language is used on this site have a shot of whatever alcohol based drink tickles your fancy (i.e. the one that fucks your head the most). I can imagine it may be quite often. I'll point out the first one for free but you're on your own after that. If you down a shot to something that is in fact only wanky language, but not wanky film school academic language, then you have to remove one item of clothing so it's preferable that you start this game in your underwear and have a camera phone on hand. An address to send any drunken naked photos will follow. Enjoy!
