...is no more. It would seem that the Tories axing a project that brought money into the UK at a time like this seems pretty dumb, and there will no doubt be many more stupid things in the months and years to come from that bunch of diddies, but Time Out argues it could mean a greater role for the remaining BFI or the creation of a new body.
As long as we continue to see films like In The Loop it doesn't matter what the group is called so fingers crossed the right decision is arrived at and British filmmakers aren't made to suffer.
2010. Hmmm. So far, not so good. Splice has been a tad sparse on the posts front this year and there's a simple reason; I've barely been to the cinema. Now it's maybe a wee bit unfair for me to blame the lack of good movies as Splice is primarily a blog about how much I love films. Ruud joined because of his love of films. But sadly we've lost our focus a bit and recently it's been a blog about reviewing stuff that's come out and that's all. Thankfully Ruud resurrecting our Greatest 90's films feature has ignited a wee spark that's been missing in me.
I've realised that thanks to a lack of films I really want to see this year it's been good for catching up on stuff I've missed both old and new. But even then there haven't been enough Splice posts. Who cares about those event movies like Avatar and the latest Sparkly Vamp toss, it should be about having fun with movies. Sadly by reviewing everything, watching them has become a bit of a chore. And that's not right, especially as this isn't a job or something but a blog based hobby I suppose.
At least things are looking up on the movie front. Toy Story 3 should hopefully be pretty damn amazing, if I can get through without greetin like a big wean, and Scott Pilgrim looks like it'll be a belter. Plus with another Twilight movie and M. Night Shabba Ranks turning in what is reportedly his worst film by some distance in Avatar: The Last Airbender Rifftrax should finish the year strongly.
2010 so far has mainly been about quality over quantity as two films have towered above the year, and very possibly will the next decade, Kickass and Four Lions. Both fantastic and if you've not seen them preorder the DVDs now. Sadly there were some other very well reviewed films I really wanted to see, namely A Prophet, Lebanon and The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo. The reason I didn't see them? Well you may have spotted they all have something in common, none are English language films and as such were given such limited releases it was impossible to get to see them. Thankfully they are all coming out soon, or are out, on DVD so they've been queued on my Lovefilm list to be caught up on, as have the likes of Up In The Air, Precious, Lovely Bones and so on. Anyone on Lovefilm will know it can be a bit difficult getting the newer films though so fingers crossed. On the riffing front Cinematic Titanic's ninth offering Alien Factor may be their finest and Rifftrax's New Moon riff is absolutely fantastic. Both worth checking out.
So although 2010 has been a bit on the sparse side I'm choosing to look on the positive side and get Splice back on track.
Ruud went and sent me this link and I thought I'd post it. Film critic Mark Kermode decides to not rant in his review of Sex In The City 2 on BBC radio. He fails.
Aye, that's right, get over it ya tube. I actually watched it with the thoroughly brilliant Rifftrax treatment, the preview of which follows now in this video window thing here, look:
The thing that really strikes you about New Moon is how dull it is. This is a movie that features vampires and werewolves doing battle and is aimed at today's ADD addled teens. So how the hell can so little actually happen for two hours? How do they actually like this snorefest? How do you take a film with vamps and lycans fighting and not make that cool as fuck?
Basically it sums up how poorly written, directed, acted, CGIed and many other processes that end in 'ed' this turd is. It makes the first Twilight flick look positively buoyant in comparison. You can at least forgive that some of its talky nature as it's the first of a series and has a lot to set up. New Moon has no excuses. Beyond the werewolves and the vamp royal family there's nothing new here. Actually those two things are a real bone of contention and show how many mistakes have been made in the making of this. The two groups are easily the best things about this, even the finely toned abbed Moon lovers. There's actually something quite interesting going on with the Native Americans who find out they're cursed and there's some genuine anguish on show. It's not werewolf from Monster Squad thanking the Dad for killing him and putting him out of his misery, hell that was written by Shane Black. No don't expect that film's brilliant treatment of monsters here. There are tantalising glimpses of the better film that this would be if we could follow them though, such as the older chap's scarred girlfriend. An even better movie would be one all about the Vampire royals who are pretty much the one good thing Stephanie Meyer has come up with, sorry teens, she didn't invent werewolves. Sadly they don't turn up until the very end of the film and feel almost like an afterthought, "we'd better actually have something happen in this film, quick put in some baddies". Basically they're afforded the same treatment as lame ponytail vamp in the first Twilight.
Nope instead we are left to follow Bella moaning and whining for about an hour and a half after Edward buggers off. This is another big mistake, surprising I know, as he just appears as some sort of fart-like vapour through this whole segment of the film and it transpires he actually is the more interesting of the two central characters. Listening to Kristen's Stewart's mumbling, pause laden incomplete sentence filled "performance" is torture for anyone who has already spent their teen years in the company of tens of people exactly like this. Thanks to the saga's demographic we're stuck with this character and her little problems, like wanting to die and her boyfriend being a dick and that childhood friend's starting to look attractive and it's not fair that I've got a group of diverse friends from all backgrounds who really like me even though I treat them like shit...and so on, and so on. And of course they're treated as the most important things in the world, because to a teen they are. The last one is the one that grates most though, as it shows how much of a teen lassie wish fulfilment box ticking exercise the whole thing is. The fact that Bella is painted as one of those outcast, if she were male she'd be gunning down her classmates types and yet she's also the most popular person this side of Carl from The Simpsons. Supposedly her "winning smile" and "ray of sunshine attitude towards life" are enough to make her belle of the ball. Give me a shitting break. But then I'm really not in this piece of arsewipe's demographic am I? I want vampires that murder people and explode in the sun, not ones who look like they've fallen in a vat of glitter. The Count from Sesame Street's more terrifying. I do have to ask though, are teenage lassies really stupid? I ask because the best little artistic flourish that the director actually manages has been ruined by one of those decisions that assumes the audience aren't clever enough to keep up with what's happening. It's a simple little montage of Bella sitting in a chair by a window being all depressed as she's been dumped. The camera does numerous full 360s around her and each time we see the window the weather has changed to suggest some months have passed. It's by no means incredible, I know, but it jumps out because everything else about the direction is so flat. The problem is that subtitles have been added so everytime you see out the window it tells you what month it is. Either the director really is as dire as the rest of the film suggests or someone in a suit decided that audiences just won't get what is happening in this scene. It's the sort of thing that should make viewers of the movie angry because the makers are treating you like an idiot. But we let them get away with it, not only by failing to noticed them talking down to us but by continuing to actually watch and read crap like Twilight. If ever something existed to manipulate its audience it's this.
So there you have it, the worst film ever to feature vampires and werewolves. At least any schlocky z-grade movie that has both would be in some way fun to watch. The episode of The Real Ghostbusters that had them both fighting done it better Christ! This is horrifying to anyone who isn't a teenage female. So that's me then. A boring, bland, nothing movie that will probably be the greatest thing you've ever seen if you're part of the demographic it's aimed at. For the rest of us it's best just to let the Rifftrax guys make it fun to watch.
More than two weeks after the event but Splice still delivers. Like former NBA star Karl "the mailman" Malone we always deliver. Except like the regular mail service, were always late.
From the sycophants conducting mind numbing interviews on the red carpet all the way through to self congratulatory Hooray for Hollywood playing as the end credits of the TV broadcast I sat watching the Oscars this year. This is my first time watching the Oscars live and in colour. This is my story.
Lets start at the beginning, the Red Carpet procession, I had planned on watching it and commenting fully however it really was the most vapid 90 minutes of television i have ever seen. So instead i made and ate my dinner through it and settled down at 8pm (Toronto time) for the awards and what do you know, its still red carpet stuff for another half hour. I will just use this time to set the scene inside my head while i await the big kick off. Got my picks all made out as you may have read on this blog, made the mrs pick winners also as competition always makes things more interesting. Its raining in Hollywood so the red carpet has a big canopy overhead, saw a clip of George Clooney going to see the fans who are behind a high barrier fence and also a little moat type thing and another great big barrier fence, which makes you wonder the point of the whole red carpet thing if noone can really see them? Surely a car dropping them off at the door would suffice, but then its pomp and can easily fill 2 hours of broadcasters schedules so thats fine.
I have probably wrote this on this blog somehwere else and probably a good few times but my Dad has been to California and seen where the Oscars are held and he assures me that they have to walk through a shopping centre to get to the Kodak Theatre, he says they just cover up all the shops so it looks like a corridor kind of, but behind it is regualar shops. I dont know if thats the truth but I tend to believe him because i think its a good story. This is actually, like the Golden Globes, my first time watching the Oscars in live real time, so I am looking forward to it. You know its good when the abc interviewers stop the Hollywood elite for one of their inane interviews and actor or actress has their non famous wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend on their arms and they just stand there saying nothing, looking around. Its quite funny i think. Jeremy Renner has his mum (or should i say mom) with him, how sweet. But away from the non-celeb other halfs its one with the famous partners i feel sorry for (the partners i mean) take Matthew Broderick for example, (he is a movie star man!) but he is here basically as the partner of SJP and the muppets doing the interviewers only want to talk about what she is wearing or what the new Sex and the City movie will be about, even though they know she wont drop any info. So, so stupid. Poor Matthew.
Oh this just in, my eyes are on fire as Penelope Cruz is on TV being interviewed and she is smoking! (not in a cigarette in her mouth sort of way, more like the Jim Carrey film the mask SMMMOKING! kind of way)
It begins.
and all the nominees for the best actor and actress awards have came out and are lined up in a boy girl, boy girl, boy girl, boy girl, boy the thing from Precious formation, taking the applause of the attending audience. Then they are taken away by some models to their seats and Neil Patrick Harris starts singing some sort of show tune abou the main contenders, its very strange. Once this has finished our hosts arrive on stage. I have been looking forward to seeing how the two funny men handle the hosting. So we have Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin roasting the famous actors and directors in the audience, some of its funny, some of it (like the putting on 3D glasses to speak to Cameron) is obvious and pretty dull. They also repeatedly go back to Clooney who doesnt look to impressed, I have a feeling that it is all a put on, his sullen face as they try to rip it out him but really it just looks weird. Thankfully this all doesnt last too long and were into the business of giving out awards.
First up and straight into it is Best Supporting Actor and unlike the GG's there is clips. I love a good clip, Penelope Cruz is presenting as well too and I think I have a good chance of my prediction sweep getting off to a good start as Christoph Waltz is pretty much stuck on to win after collectin the other big supporting gongs. However watching the clips i like the look of Woody Harrlesons performance and might look into seeing his movie. I like Woody. But Waltz wins as expected and the sweep begins with a winner. Red for reasons known only to himself picked Stanley Tucci?!?
After Waltz' speech Ryan Reynold comes out and introduces The Blind Side as its nominated for best film. I guess they will all get this honour though not always by Ryan Reynolds. My guess is that The Proposal is the connection as he costarred with The Blind Side's Sandra Bullock in it. Wonder if all the connections will be this easy or will i have to make them up?
After the break Cameron Diaz is having problems with the teleprmopter, or is she? Or is it a bad joke? I dont know and I dont have time to think about it because the best animated feature has clips too and their specially made talking head of characters in the film talking like there talking to the big fat woman who was on Big Brother but now interviews film stars on This Morning with the movie poster in the background. All very cool. Up! wins. No surprise there and I would say pretty much forget about it winning best film.
Miley Cyrus and Amanda Siedfreid are presenting best song. I have my girlfriend sitting with me watching the show and she is passing comment on the looks at the Oscars this year for me. She says Cyrus looks square, not much i can add to that i dont think as im not exactly sure what it means. The Song from Crazy Heart wins. I had that in the sweep too, and Up! meaning im three for three and this is looking like a landslide victory for me. In his speech the Ryan Bingham chap who won alongside the awesomely named T-Bone Burnett says that he loves his girl more than rainbows. Nice line man.
District 9 is presented by Chris Pine, easy link here. New Sci Fi movie gets connected to the new franchise player in sci fi. Captain James Tiberius Kirk from the awesome Star Trek.
Best Original Screenplay next and its presented by Tina Fey and Robert Downey Junior who is hilarious and calls writers little mole people. Gid shit. The clips are also good as the scenes chosen also have the script directions read too and the lines appear on the screen like subtitles only in the correct scriptwriting font. Not that i like to complain but the description read out is a lot more in depth than how i was taught to do it. Wouldnt have passed in Bob Coopers class Mr Tarantino! The Hurt Locker wins the prize and brings to an end my picking streak, i had put my backing behind Quentins reimagining of the second world war as folk talking a lot. Gutted, it was all going so well.
Ok, hold onto your hats but Molly Ringwald is at the Oscars! Who let her in? Security! But its alright, she is here to talk about the late John Hughes and is on stage with another Hughes alum Matthew Broderick (who exudes confidence when not beside SJP i should say) The say a few words then theres a Hughes movie montage which rocks.
And afterward, holy crap its a bunch of almost forgotten names from the old crew. Judd Nelson, Macauley Culkin, Anthony Michael Hall (who must have had a head transplant cos i dont recognise him at all from what he used to look like) Jon Cryer and Ally Sheedy. The Breakfast Club is one of the best films ever made, I just want to say that at this juncture.
Samuel L Jackson is presenting Up! in the best film thing that happens before every break. I really dont see the connection and cant even come up with something off the cuff. I am conpletely confused. During the ad break i just mentioned was a showing of one of the films nominated for best short film. The Heart its called and its in conjucntion with a butter brand over in Canada who are sponsoring the telecast so thats why its shown. Sadly i wasnt paying attention and only knew it had been on when it was finished.
Back at the Oscars however animated short is being presented by Zoe Saldana and Carey Mulligan, I have the Wallace and Gromit entry in the sweep but it was a complete guess but watching the clips i wish i had done some research into it because Logorama looks absolutely awesome, i would have picked that in a heartbeat. It wins as well too! If it comes down to a draw i think i might claim that as an almost and win the sweep by half a point. Turns out Zoe and Carey (like i know them) are doing all the short film prizes, so short doco and short live action are next. Music Br Prudence wins the doco award and i have enver heard of it or the titualar Prudence. The director looks as if he is going to say something profound but some big heavy white woman upstages him and hogs the mic. The new Tenants wins best live action and completes a big fat zero for me in the sweep as regards the short catagories. Bit if a shame that as they are always good for picking up a wee sneaky one based on your picking for the weirdest name alone. The girl and I both agree that Zoe Saldana is smoking hot but the mrs doesnt like her dress. Im not overly enamoured either but who am i to judge as im sat at home watching it in 6 year old Killie Shorts and bare feet.
Ben Stiller comes out dressed as a character from Avatar to present the award for Best make up. What is that all about? It keeps me in mind when Conan O'Brian still ahd the tonight Show and Avatar was almost due out in cinemas, Ben Stiller was on the show promoting it even though he isnt in it. So to see him here tonight seeimingly still bigging it up by doing this seems weird to me. The clips show that my pick (Young Victoria) looks mince in comparison to the other two nominees as in my pick there hardly seems to be any make up on. What a duff pick. Star Trek wins which Red picked out. Think were even stevens now and that makes me nervous. The folks who pick up the award announce that there is a back stage thank you cam, that must be why all the speeches are as short, and maybe why the Music by Prudence director didnt knock the big white lady out for stealing his thunder. If it was on ITV then there would be Ben Sheppard backstage on that cam on ITV2 so if you wanted to see that you could flick over.
Jeff Bridges promos A Serious Man, surely its not because he is a serious man? Is it? Its a break and time for another beer i think.
The Oscars returns with best adapted screenplay which uses the same gimmick with the clips as the original screenplay but its lost its magic second time round. The clip for In The Loop doesnt feature a scene with Peter Capaldi which is a major poor show, the man is an Oscar Winner after all. Precious wins the gong, well done but also boooo! My beloved Up in the Air looks like it may well go home empty handed and that makes me sad and judging by his reaction in the crowd jason reitman is thinking the same thing and he looks sad. Wish i could just wrap my arms round my pals, those reitman folks, and tell them its all ok. th winning speech is pretty good though as the recipiant is genuine as anything and seems overawed and stumbles a bit. Steve Martin on his return to the podium afterward shows what a good host does by adlibbing a great line about how he wrote the speech. Very funny.
Ok next up you will have to bear with me as i was unsure of what was actually going on. See its the Honourary award of sorts and Lauren Bacall and Roger Corman are getting a clap just for being there it would seen. Or did they win it? It seems it was a Governers Award but its over now and I dont know exactly what happened. its a good jolt to the system though and i will need to not daydream if i am to keep this up.
The next award is one of the biggies again, Best Supporting Actress and Robin Williams presents it to Mo'Nique. It was a hot favourite just like Christoph Waltz. In fact both winners of the supporting gongs were first time nominees. Thats porobably been done before but it strikes me then and there that that has jsut happened and if it strikes me then it goes in here. Mo'Nique has like Waltz won a fair few awards for this role so I wonder how she still manages to sound so profound when talking about her husband. He must have heard it a hundred times and yes it will be nice but maybe by now its a bit embarrassing for him. Well done to her though.
Colin Firth present An Education. The link here must be that he is the high profile brit in the audience, though Helen Mirren could easily have taken that role. maybe its a link to the fact that The Education is written by Nick Hornby who wrote the book Fever Pitch which Firth had the lead role. If thats the kind of insight then maybe Sam Jackson did up because he was in The Incredibles and no one wants to see Craig T Nelson on the oscar stage.
After the break Sigourney Weaver reads the art direction noms then awards Avatar the gong. I had that one in the sweep too and because of this i am not questioning it but if i didnt i would want to see inside the envelope, Weaver had been pretty defiant in her support of Avatar on the red carpet, her line was "i am wearing red but have blue in my heart" or words to that effect. Lame if you ask me. having picked Mo'Nique and now this right it stops the rot of my going over an hour without another tally mark on my way to the Mars bar title. Im back in the game. Next is best costumes and I think i am well in with my choice of Coco Before Chanel but the award goes to Young Victoria and it seems i back Young Vic in the wrong race. Another fact that never came into my thoughts was who is actually doing the costumes as some research would show that the designer for Young Victoria is actaully a 3 time winner in the field. He speech sucked though i thought.
Charlize Theron promotes Precious for no reason I can think of but reminds me of the day she helped with the World Cup draw since she is from the host country South Africa and also reminded me of a terrible joke a friend told me that was that he considers her his favourite african-american actress.
Ok so they bring out the horror stars de jour to introduce the Academy Awards tribute to 80 years of horror movies with a smashing montage, which i have thrown in below but apologise for the quality.
Me being a total horror film pussy i dont recognise too many fo teh films in the montage, i do however recognise a young (big nosed) Jennifer Aniston in Leprichaun though which i know she was in because its mentioned frequently in different things much like the george Clooney Attack of the Killer Tomatoes reference. However it does lead the question: Leprechaun, at the Oscars?
So Zac Efron takes the stage with Anna Kendrick to presnet the award for best sound design and instead of clips Morgan Freedman provides a voiceover on a video peice explaining exactly what sound design is using last years winner The Dark Knight as an example, a nice touch, go Oscars! The Hurt Locker wins and it also wins sound mixing as both awrds are handed out one after the other. After this sound fest Elizabeth Banks gives a shout out to the sci tech awards which is part of the oscars, but the part where no really famous folk win and is on for ages so they get presented at their own night which doesnt get on tv and has already been and only gets lip service here becuase who really cares! (sharp intake of breath)
John Travolta presents Inglourious Basterds as a Best Picture hopeful and the link is obviously Pulp Fiction, but what catches me more is the announcer saying that coming up is something which sounds eerily like the cast of Glee are coming on, it shouldnt be as this is movies not tv but still i am worried. Please dont let it be. When the awards come back on Avatar picks up best cinematography.
Demi Moore looks good for her age, i just want to say that and she is here to do this years obituaries. James Taylor sings as a video of the stars departed in the past year appear or the screen led by Patrick Swayze. Watching the names and faces appear i realise i dont know many however some i do know i didnt realise were dead. Ron Silver for example, did not know. RIP them all.
Ok Sam Worthington comes out wearing a pair of Harry Palmers glasses to introduce the nominees of the best score Oscar, instead of short clips of the music over VT there is a dance troupe doing some expressive dancing like the kind that turn up on Britains got Talent every year. This is what i thought might be Glee, glad its not. Up! wins and I am happy as i Picked that however it wasnt the best dance in my opinion. Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are out to give away an award, Visual Effects which has Avatar written all over it and so it comes to pass. Dunno how many awards that is now that Jim Camerons film has won but its a fair few.
Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air and i am reminded how much i love Up in the Air and how sad it is that it has been snubbed so far. Jason Bateman is in Up in the Air and also Juno which was the directors previous film, but not thank you for smoking. JK Simmons should have read for it. He is the John Ratzenburger of the Reitman ouvre. In fact why didnt Cliff Claven get to do Up! rather than Shaft.
Matt Damon (Matt Damon!) is on stage to present Best Documentary. One of the nominations (not the one i picked) is called The Cove and its made by someone and Fisher Stevens and makes me think; i wonder if that Fisher Stevens of Short Circuit fame, i doubt it but it would be good if it was, it is weird that that is what popped into my head. So The Cove wins and you could knock me over with a feather as this Fisher Stevens is the same guy i thought he was. Wow! Johnny 5 is alive! Thats amazing, well done that man.
Tyler Perry is a guy thats pretty famous in a small way over in America but as a Brit i havent really a clue where he is, i see his DVDs in shops, usually Tyler Perry's then the title kind of like National Lampoons prefix, his films arent going to troube the academy when it comes to dishing out awards though and he knows it. Thats why when he seems so happy to have his name read out at the Oscars he instantly becomes a good guy in my eyes. Dont think I will try see any of his films though, they look terrible. He is out to present best editing and The Hurt Locker takes the prize.
So Keanu Reeves is presenting The Hurt Locker in the pre ad break best film thingy. My movie senses say that this is due to the fact that he played Johnny Utah in Hurt Locker director Katherine Bigelow's Point Break. i am not even going to check the validity of that statement, I am just gona go with it. After the break it seems were down to the final four plus Best foreign language film, which is up now. Its been a good night i think, I have enjoyed it. No real surprises i suppose but maybe the final four will be jam packed with them. With myself and Red having different ideas on all five its really make or break for the Mars bar.
As i say though, Best foreing language film first and Tarnatino and Almodovar are up to bat as presenters. This is actaully a favourite award of mine, you always get some gems which catch the eye. I feel in some way emotionally bound to this years award as i have actaully seen one of teh nominees already. I saw The Secret in their Eyes at the Toronto Film Festival and i thought it was fantastic but also in the running is White Ribbon which has won other awards and is in black and white which is catnip for academy voters. But the name our presenters read is The Secret in their Eyes and i am over the moon, flushed with genuine happiness and pride. Well done, it will be remade in the US soon, mark my words.
Kathy Bates presents Avatar. I have no ideas what so ever.
Ok this is neat, some actor type folks who have worked with the nominees for best actor are sharing a wee anecdote of sorts witht their ex co-star or wahtever they may be. Michelle Pfeiffer (what a really stupid name to type) is talking Fabulous Baker Boys about Jeff Bridges. Vera Fermiga is giving kudos to Clooney from their time on the role he is nomintated for, Up in the Air. Got ma fingers crossed for you George, do it man. But then I have already picked Morgan Freedman in the sweep which is a bit of a long shot maybe, so I will stop my Clooney cheering and stick with the gameplan. Julianne Moore is talking Colin Firth since they starred together in his nominated film. Wish they had pushed the boat out for Ruth Gemmill from Fever Pitch though, in my mind the whole Oscars should be just a retrospective on that particualr piece of film art, I mean thats the second reference i have made. Morgan Freedmans turn now and Andy Dufrense is up giving it Shawshank and stuff. Tim Robbins is a cool guy. Finally Colin Farrell is talking Jeremy Renner as they worked together in SWAT! SWAT? Good grief they could have used Fever Pitch references if SWAT is getting a mention. Farrell says man an awful lot, as much as me actually, though its probably fine for me to have a propensity to say it as im pretty safe from talking at the Oscars but him? He also calls him brother in true Tommy Sheridan manner. Awesome.
Kate Winslet as last years actress winner is presenting and it goes to....Jeff Bridges. Well done that man, cant really grumble too much. The man does good work. Its his first Oscar win as well too. The dude abides. Just noticed that its now half eleven meaning this has well overun. Bridges speech though is wonderful and befits the man.
Actress award follows the same format of nice little anecdote for them all. Forrest Whittaker bigs up Sandra Bullock's acting chops from the time he directed her in Hope Floats. Michael Sheen is telling of Helen Mirrens role as the Queen in The Queen when he played Tony Blair. Cant help bu think Charlie from Casualty would have been a nice option to have excised and he could have waxed lyrical of working with Mirren on Long Good Friday. Michael Sheen seemed to easy in comparison. Think it is Peter Sarsgard talking about Carey Mulligan though i have no idea what about. Oprah Winfrey (Bloody Oprah) is chatting about the big lassie from Precious saying she is gorgeous and such stuff and i am thinking hmmmmm, do people really think that because I am not seeing it. Finally Stanley Tucci is talking Meryl Streep because they have been in two films together, Julie and Julia is the only one i can think of though. When he is finished Sean Penn comes out to give out the award. he blethers some rubbish about not acknowledging something or other and to me comes across as a bit of a dick but no matter he awards the Oscar to...Sandra Bullock.
I predicted a teary speech but it isnt at all, she is really rather witty in fact. It has just struck me how close the audience (who are movie stars and not the plebs which might explain what i am about to write) are to the actual stage. its a mere few steps up. Bizzare. Bullock almost tears up but settles for a lump in her throat as she finishes what is a great speech. I had Meryl Streep who incidentally shares my birthdate. Useless information is still information.
best Director now as we reach penultimate award. Barbera Streisand is giving away the award. i picked James Cameron to cover the bases though i dont want him to win. I want Tarantino because I like him and his films and want him to have one though i dont think Basterds is his best work though so its a hard choice. Then the winner is announced and its a woman! The first woman to win a best director Oscar. In a historical context that is cool, in a sweep context it sucks for me because it looks liked im toast. But we move on to best filma nd even though i am sure i have been beat in the sweep i would liekt o take a moral victory in the last category.
So I did some reading up in the week prior to the Awards about the new voting process which is accompanying the new 10 nominations. Its more of a grading system which will eventaully produce a winner when one film gets more than 50% of the votes (i think) essentially it may se a well regarded film beat out the film who had the most votes orginally. Soon we will find out. Tom Hanks is doing the honours. So its over to you Tom, bring us home!
The Hurt Locker! well my initial reaction is get it up ye to Jim Cameron who i am sure must have thought he would romp to victory. But then why am i getting to wound up, it means nothing to me in the long run. a sound thrashing at the hands of Red and a mars bar winging its way to his house yet again. Think I will rent out this Hurt Locker film, see if its any cop. Stev Martin and Alec baldwin are back on stage to wrap it up, they really didnt do a great deal over all though. Horray for Hollywood plays as as the credits roll and another year of rich people slapping each other on the back is over, it was good. I had a blast.
Well you'll probably already know that it was the BAFTA awards last night and the results threw up a few surprises (some even pleasant).
Well the camera man was either in the know and thought it'd be a giggle to cut to Jimmy Cameron at every possibility or he did what I did and made an ass out of you and me. It seemed Avatar was obviously going to sweep this like all the other big awards shows. But no! In what was either a move to award the more deserving film (out of those nominated) or an attempt to get people talking about that awards that pops up between the Golden Globes and Oscar's big night they went and gave Best Film to Hurt Locker and Best Director to Kathryn Bigelow. Avatar deserves any technical awards it gets but incredible effects a great film does not make so it's good to see something far more worthy win. That said this isn't a Hollywood bash and as such the big money maker isn't necessarily going to get its back slapped until it's red raw. On other words don't be shocked if Avatar still scoops the wee golden man.
Rather more predictable was the awarding of the main acting awards to Brits, although that's not to say they don't deserve awards. Again don't expect this to be a marker of big Oscar night shocks, although some of those would be nice. It was good to see some love for Moon, an outstanding little film that will hopefully find a few more viewers thanks to the BAFTA bump. And great to see Christoph Waltz win Supporting Actor. There may have been many things wrong with Inglourious Basterds but he wasn't one of them turning in a delicious wee turn as an absolute bastard, surely everyone's favourite way to act.
Avatar deserves any technical award it gets but it's a pretty poor film. It'll probably get best picture and Cameron will probably get his director nod. His involvement in the development of the tech used means he deserves something but Bigelow probably deserves the director nod for Hurt Locker. The direction really is brilliant, as is much else in the film. It would be a deserving big winner on the night.
Nice to see Up get a best picture nod but that's only because of the extended list this year. Animation is still considered a secondary film form to mainstream Hollywood fare but that's to be expected. Up has no chance of winning best picture so expect it to get best animated, or the Pixar award as it should be known.
Oh and nice to see a nomination for In The Loop in adapted screenplay, it doesn't count as an original because it's based on the TV show The Thick Of It. It won't win, it's way too sweary. The greatest shame is that unlike the best song nominees they don't get to perform a bit at the awards ceremony itself. The Oscars could do with some Peter Capaldi shouting F, Star, Star, Cunt!
Anyway we'll do our usual way off predictions game then it's time for the best awards of the season The Spliceys!
Here is The Golden Globes Ceremony: a commentary from a film fan watching a ceremony for the first time.
Ok so I flick it over and I have missed the opening credit sequence, I am thinking was there one or was it just a voiceover to introduce the host Ricky Gervais. I am pretty sure I have only missed maybe two minutes so its not like the Oscars all music and dancing. Though I haven’t ever watched the Oscars either (but I will this year) so I don’t even know if that’s what happens in that. What I will do is assume all I missed was a voiceover intro and our host making his way to the front of the stage to speak to his audience. So Ricky cracks a few gags, a good NBC one in particular and then were straight into awards.
Best supporting actress kicks it all off, I posted a link to the nominations the other day so I wont go through with a dry run down of all nominees and the eventual winner for every award because I have neither the time nor the patience and if your reading this neither will you I expect. So Monique won for the Precious based on a book called Sapphire by someone or other won it. Her speech was quite nice, how she spoke about her husband was touching. When reading the nominations there was no clips, just straight out with the winner. This could all be over sharp if that’s how it goes. But I like clips.
I forgot TV awards were involved in this, now up is best actress on TV in a comedy or something. Whoever the girl is that is presenting with Lost’s own Jack Sheppard is making a big mess of her spiel. As the nominees appear on the screen it comes to my attention that Edie Falco is stunning, but she doesn’t win. Toni Collette wins for I don’t know what. She is quite a good looking lady too actually, I only really remember her as the hippy mother in About a Boy. Hmmm. Ok it’s a break now, 16 minutes in and two awards. The ad breaks have me wondering if its all live, I would think it is live, but what do they do in the ad breaks? But while I think about this it comes back on and its been a short break, the likes of which north american TV ordinarily never sees, so I will say yes, its live.
Out comes the fellow who plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, that character is worth watching a TV show for alone, I hope he wins something though I have no idea if he is nominated, he probably isn’t. him and someone else are presenting best actor or maybe supporting actor in a TV show. John Lithgow gets it from under Ari Gold and Ben Linus. Its best actor in a TV series or TV movie I think actually. Michael C Hall must be ill, he is shown in the audience here, it appears Lithgow is in Dexter now. Im so far behind with that, I have only seen series one before STV basically humped it and never showed series 2 and it appeared on ITV4 but wasn’t advertised. I will catch up but probably with a boxset, which disappoints.
Paul McCartney (is he knighted? Should I have Sir in there, I should just have written Macca) cracks a terrific joke I think about how he is now known as that guy from rock band. That’s a funny joke I think. He is out presenting best animated flick and whats going through my mind is the frog chorus for some reason
This award has clips, yeah! Up wins which is kind of predictable. I have no doubts that its awesome but Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs looks interesting and maybe a film like that winning would make others think that maybe Pixar hasn’t got it sewn up and cool stuff like that might get made. I actually like Bolt! but it came out the year before in the US and last year just in the UK and probably isn’t able to qualify. Plus others might think its shite. It has just occurred to me that I think Mo’Nique is the only winner to thank god, that’s kind of refreshing. If its true that is. Anyways its another break, I hope Ricky Gervais makes another appearance when it comes back, seems a waste to have a host that doesn’t feature much.
As it comes back the kind of pan around the room and it makes me think it looks a little like the Lakeside where the BBC’s darts is held every new year. It just doesn’t really look that fancy, its just a big room with big tables, I am not even sure if the tables are for films or TV shows to sit together. I would guess it is but what if you straddle two nominees? What a decision to make, I guess I would pick the one that’s expected to win the most, glory hunting if you will.
So what happened next is this, I am taking notes using my mobile phone, however midway through this note my phone went on the blink ad the note wiped so for 15 minutes my extensive musing are gone. So I will try fill in some details from memory. Michael C hall wins for Dexter in the best actor in TV drama category, no mention of the fact he is wearing a hat on the commentary, I just I don’t remember hearing he was unwell. Regardless, get well soon and well done on the win tonight. Ok best actress in the same category goes to Julianna Margulies for a show I haven’t even heard of. This show she is apparently great in is exec produced by the Scott Bros (Ridley and Tony) so it must have some merit. Other things that happened in this missing link were Kate Hudson came out and showcased a clip of 9 which is in the running for best film in a comedy or musical. Is she still with A-rod I ponder. I don’t really like him.
Meryl Streep makes a speech for winning an award, Best Actress in a comedy/musical maybe? I am trying my best to keep up with all the categories and it’s a break again. A chance to breath. Before every break mostly Avatar is mention for the viewer to tune in and see if it wins for whatever award its up for. Why is it only that film is being mentioned ad nauseam? Is ita link between nbc and the studio. Keeps me in mind of when movie stars like Ben Stiller were on Conan on the same channel promoting the film the week before it came out and they weren’t even in it, it was supposed to be funny, I found it weird.
But back to the Globes, were 71 minutes in and Helen Mirren is presenting Precious to the audience for the best film award its up for, sneaking suspicion its not comedy/musical. The camera shows the representatives of that filma nd I have to say the director of the film has the best facial hair at the awards by some distance.
Sam Worthington and the blue girl from Avatar are presenting best actor in a TV movie or mini series to Kevin Bacon for whatever it is he was in, because guess what? I haven’t seen it. Drew Barrymore wins the female version of the same award and waffles a speech. Anna Paquin however ahs a revealing low cut top on. Which by the power of the internet I should be able to show below
Viola!
Its just mentioned where the awards are held. The Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills. I have never been so cant really pass comment. My dad has been to where the Oscars ate held though. He claims its in a shopping mall. Might well be. Cameron Diaz intro’s a clip for the other Meryl Streep film that’s award nom worthy, the one where she is having an affair with her ex husband, its name escapes me. I should have a catch up of whats happened so far but it all moves so fast. Gerard Butler is now out with Jen Aniston who out of a lot of smoking ladies on show is by far the smokingest tonight, wow. They give the best screenplay to Up in the Air writer and director Jason Reitman who in his speech says that Quentin should have won, I have seen Inglourious Basterds and Up in the Air and though I liked Tarantino’s film and the script rocked, I think the right one won regardless of what Reitman says. His speech is actually a little soppy and leads me to wonder what I would do if I won. I would no doubt be like I am when im drunk and Scotland win or Killie win and I call everyone brother because of the shared experience of it all, no doubt it would be embarrassing for all.
Mr Demi Moore and Mrs Ben Affleck (a wee curveball to keep you awake) award best actor in tv comedy or whatever to Alec Baldwin for 40 Rock and he isn’t there, the first not to be present to pick up his award, there is no live to video of him or anything, rather Kutcher (Mr Demi Moore) picks it up for him, which seems a bit disappointing. couldn’t one of his brothers came in his place, in fact isn’t one of his brothers on celeb Big Brother? You think they discuss such things when they talk? Like would Alec tell of his filming with Meryl Streep this year and his successful TV show and basically a successful time in his career and he asks his brother and he says he slept in the same room as fallen rap star Sisqo and the Basshunter, plus the guy that shagged Jordan years ago. I hope they do talk like that. I wonder what the situation is with getting your award after the event, is it mailed? At this point you know what it is so do you open it or do you just leave it in the box after signing for it and stick it in the ikea unit at your front door that the house phone sits on? Hmmm, that’s something to ponder.
Ok best drama series now and Mad Men wins, I am particularly happy about this as I actually watch this show. John Hamm has a stunning beard I se as he appears on the stage as does the weasly Peter character from the show. He doesn’t actually look so weasly in real life, its that kind of acting then that wins awards! Christine Hendricks is also up on the stage, I mean the whole cast is, she rocks my socks I have to say.
I am thinking that no one is visibly drunk yet, though I may not know how to spot a drunken Hollywood celeb. One would like to think that the casts of some of these shows meet at one cast members house beforehand to drink a carryout so they are half stewed in preparation of the night ahead. It makes sense that they would do this. Though its probably free booze at this bash so maybe that negates the need for a carryout session.
I just missed five minutes while I attended to another matter, I come back and the German chap who is so excellent in his role as the eager Nazi in Inglorious Basterds is winning the awards for best supporting actor. A splendid choice I say regardless of who he was up against, he was pretty damn awesome. Its another break now and the announcer is telling me that Robert De Niro and Leo Di Caprio are coming up to honour Martin Scorsese with the Cecil B. DeMille award. I hope there is a montage of clips from his classics in amongst this, those types of montages are great. The show returns from the break and there they are, Marty’s two boys. They each say there piece and then there is the mantage, its immense, I instantly feel the urge to go through the Scorsese canon right here and now. His speech itself is great, a humble man who knows his stuff when it comes to film. Thanks to you tube, here is that segment from Bobby D and Leo’s arrival to the end of Marty’s speech. TV gold I think.
Another break and it returns with Jodie Foster presenting the clip from the Hurt Locker. After that Gervais returns claiming to be boozed up and beer in hand, but its only to set up a great Mel Gibson gag as he is coming out next to give out an award. He takes it in good humour the ol Jew hating drunk that he is! Ha! Gibson is presenting best director and the winner is…..James Cameron. Does that mean Avatar automatically wins best film? Oh I hope not. James Cameron has some really bad hair right now I should mention.
Also Jason Reitman looks gutted to have lost as well, I actually like that though, looks like he really wanted to win. Moving on with the awards, Jack Bauer is presenting best tv comedy, I hope for entourage to win. Its Glee though. Fuck!
The Glee disappointment is followed by another break but not before avatar gets another wee plug. After the break the guys from The Hangover present a clip for The Hangover funnily enough as its in the running for best comedy/musical I think. I hope that wins, I loved The Hangover, such a good movie. Actually, the next award being given out is that very category and The Hangover wins. Well that’s just excellent, a worthy winner I say, nice when something quite edgy wins I think. The Governor of California is here and he is showing the clip from AVATAR! He also cracks a nice NBC joke which are always nice in these Tonight Show war times.
Moving on as I smell the end, Mickey Rourke hands out best actress in a drama to Sandra Bullock, Rourke looks pretty awesome by the way and Sally Hawkins, whom I don’t actually know, gives Robert Downey Junior best actor gong (comedy/musical) for Sherlock Holmes over Matt Damon for The Informant! Two points about that, first the mysterious Sally Hawkins is wearing what looks like a Airdrieonians away strip with a diamond on the front and secondly I am so unimpressed by the fact Damon never won. I have said in this very blog that I was tipping Damon for award glory and to see him lose isn’t nice. Though Downey Jnr is a class act and his speech is the best of the night which makes up for it.
Ok here we are at the final stretch. Clooney is beaten out by Jeff Bridges in best actor, shame for clooney who was great in Up in the Air but smashing for Bridges who is excellent in everything really and I think I might be correct in thinking this is his first award. Its nice, his speech is rather good too.
Last of all best film. The nominees? Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air (please let it win) Inglourious Basterds. The winner is….Bloody Avatar. Balls.
So that’s it, that’s my first experience watching The Golden Globes, it was odd. Really wasn’t as glamorous as I had hoped and seemed kind of dry. I mean the awards shows I generally watch are the British Comedy Awards and the Brits. The brits has music which breaks things up and the comedy awards is manic chaos (though nothing like what it used to be) and it has clips. The Globes was more bang bang bang with the awards I felt. Also the pans round the crowd shoed the great and the good in Hollywood and there is so many faces I didn’t know. Must be all the husbands and wives. All in all the three hours didn’t seem wasted at all, it passed quite quickly. Bring on the Oscars!
For a full list of who won what since my account may not be worth much click here.
Wahay it's the day we Scots don't bother to celebrate in cheap and tacky ways like a certain bunch of fellow Celts. Scottish film's a bit miserable, though, ain't it. I've made my own thoughts clear on the general state of the Scottish film industry a few times here so bugger the negativity and let's look back to a time when we seemed to do things a lot, well, nicer:
Let's make more stuff like Local Hero eh? Tae hell with this misery ridden shite. Here's a wee documentary available on Vimeo by a bloke named Kenny Parker that addresses this issue and it's well worth a watch:
I don't know what's up with me, maybe it's the impending festive period, but I want cheerier stuff to help balance Scottish film's output. Come on Scotland let's cheer up!
Right, here's why Beetlejuice freaks me, I mean, used to freak me out:
1) GIANT WORMS!
When I went to the beach as a kid I always started freaking out because of something that featured in the Monster In My Pocket toys. It was a creature that lived under sand and used to poke through and snatch children pulling them under to eat them. As such these things terrified me.
2) SHE RIPS HER FACE OFF!
I mean, seriously, right off!
3) THE GUY WAE THE WEE HEID!
Reminds me of a guy who cuts about my hometown. In fact he looks identical and the real life guy's mental.
4) SNAKE BEETLEJUICE!
Let's be honest it is quite a freaky wee scene.
5) EYEBALLS!
I'm not the only person freaked out by the eyeball. Hoffman, Freud and The Residents all understand our fears relating to them and many a horror director manipulates it with "eye deaths". Just don't go looking through any keyholes.
6) FUNFAIRS FREAK ME OUT!
Even if it's only a guy dressed as one.
7) AS DOES MODERN ART!
This movies full of it. And then it all comes to life...
8) FALSE TEETH!
My grandpa used to take his teeth out and chase me with them. It wasn't so much the fake teeth clapping in his hand rather the gums they left behind that freaked me out.
9) THE METAL PLATE ON HER MOUTH!
As someone who struggles with sinus trouble the idea of a metal plate boltedto my mouth is just plain scary. If it happened to me whilst my nose was bunged up I'd suffocate and die!
Great, now I'm a gibbering wreck! If any kids come to the door I'll be too afraid to open it in case they're dressed as modern art, giant worms or my grandpa!
It's the night before Hallowe'en, All Hallow's Eve Eve as no one would ever to refer to it. As such it's telly time. Traditionally the week of Hallowe'en has been scary movie central. Sadly that seems to be a thing of the past, maybe because of satellite and cable TV and their ability to show tons of the things on dedicated channels. As such looking through the terrestrial schedules for a scary movie proved to be a bit difficult.
Hallowe'en night itself proves to be a bit of a damp squib. Channel 4 is showing the rather brilliant The Host, but that's after midnight so it's technically a November 1st movie. BBC2 is showing the original Halloween and Halloween 2. The latter's guff whilst the former is just way too familiar, although as argued on Wednesday you could do far worse than download the Halloween Rifftrax and give the old film a new slant. Your best bet is on E4 which is showing Charlie Brooker's surprisingly brutal Big Brother zombie thing Dead Set. Of course it's a repeat from last year but it is pretty darn great.
The scariest thing on telly tomorrow night can be found on Five USA. No not a showing of Prom Night but rather the earlier screening of Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. It's the most terrifying thing on telly by a long, long way.
So what to do. I say get a DVD in. Quite a few of the films covered for the 13 Days Of Hallowe'en are perfect as is the previously reviewed on Splice Drag Me To Hell which came out on DVD this week. Great fun and nicely old fashioned in its scares it's well worth your time.
If your going out, on the piss as opposed to trick-or-treating I'd imagine, then there's a couple of scary movies on tonight that take you past midnight and into Hallowe'en. ITV 1 has plumped for a remake of The Amityville Horror starting soon. More interesting is BBC 1's choice of The Dark, the one I'll be watching. I've went for this as it sounds decent, has a good cast and it's set in Wales. As such that should mean at least one scene of horrifying sheep*.
It starts at 11:40pm and I'll probably tweet on the Splice Twitter page during it, although it won't be of the level of the Dracula Vs. Frankenstein live Twitter session of last Friday. Mainly because I can't be bothered having to pause the film halfway through for two hours after posting too many tweets in a short time span.
If you're watching either film get in touch!
* If you want guaranteed sheep horror check out New Zealand's Black Sheep, another great film for a party tomorrow night.
Turns out one of Splice's favourite* actors Nic Cage is in massive debt. Maybe he felt a duty to personally refund all those punters who went to see The Wicker Man remake.
Failure to pay taxes could see him facing jailtime. Anything that stops anysort of sequel to Bangkok Dangerous is welcome if you ask me.
Of course if he doesn't then he's probably going to have to raise some major cheddar to pay off his creditors. That would mean making a ton of films in as quick a time as possible, suggesting the name Nic Cage being attached to a film means it's less likely to be quality like Raising Arizona or Leaving Las Vegas and more likely to be of the level of Splice's favourite** film of whatever year it was released, Next.
Obviously this situation has to be monitored closely. That pert of our brains that tries to comprehend Nic Cage's success depends on it.
*Sometimes I get my words mixed up, favourite means you think he's an overacting, lucky hack who owes much of his career to who he's related to, doesn't it?
** Favourite in this context I'm trusting means most shambolic pile of bum leakage.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. You senile, old fool you. For a while now you've been doing these things that suggest that you're past it, ignoring every Pixar film for best picture and then giving them the derogatory best animated film award, say. Or how about giving Scorsese an award for a film that wasn't that great purely because you forgot to give him one for any of his great works. That one had you hanging by a thread.
Old time readers will know that I've got a bit of a problem with Corman and his Wonderful World of Budget Constraints, in fact the second ever Splice post was about him.
Frankly some of the true greats have never won an Oscar, or had to take the Scorsese-like one, so it's frankly galling that one will rest on the mantelpiece of the man who made these:
Now I love cheesy B-movies as much as the next weirdo but Corman's aren't even as fun as the trailers make them look! Basically this is a man who can take the idea of a mutant pickle invading Earth with his army of bats and make it boring!
So why is he getting this award? The argument about the talent he has fostered doesn't ring true. It's an impressive list of genuinely brilliant talent, Jack Nicholson, Francis Ford Coppolla, James Cameron to name a few. But the stuff they made under him was almost entirely garbage, mainly thanks to him. He may have given them a break but that's it. I doubt that the Oscar is being given to him because of association with others who were worthy winners. If that really were the case then an honourary gold chap is surely in the offing for, say, the Weinsteins.
No this smacks of of the industry honouring a great business man, which it must be said Corman is. In these troubled financial times Hollywood is feeling it, look at the way the entire industry appears to have pinned its hopes on Avatar being the biggest thing ever. As such Corman's business model, spend so little on the film that it actually isn't possible for it to fail to make the money back, is very appealing to the suits.
In fact, it's pretty much the model that the industry works on, just on a far larger scale. Hollywood doesn't fail to turn a profit thanks to all the ancillary markets, it's really all about how big that profit actually is when the scare stories about the industry in decline start spreading. Awarding Corman points to the fact that his way of doing things is the ideal for the industry so look out for more story-less trash designed to smash your senses into submission instead of films with any sort of substance.
An award such as this should be about honouring artistry, but in this case it's purely a business thing. Giving an Oscar to Corman for his work makes a mockery of an award's ceremony that should mean something but has instead become a mass marketing tool. It dilutes anything already given out under the name to others for their "outstanding achievements" and "artistry".
At this rate it'll soon be preferable to have an MTV Movie Award on your mantelpiece. Do you hear that Oscar? I said AN MTV MOV..., aw forget it you deaf, old bastard.
Antichrist, the new horror from Lars Von Trier, has been passed uncut by the British Board Of Film Classification (BBFC) and British "newspaper" The Sun doesn't like this one bit.
Now "The Sneak" may have some genuine beefs with the film, and from descriptions he/she may be correct. I can't say that it sounds like my cup of tea. It certainly sounds like it would be the worst date movie since Schindler's List, although there will be someone out there who takes someone thinking "a bit of horror, should get her horny", only to face a situation a bit like when Travis Bickle takes Cybil Shephard to a porno theatre.
But there's one paragraph that reveals the real reason this piece appeared in the paper at all:
"The most talked-about film of the moment is SACHA BARON COHEN’s latest offering, Bruno.
But while the antics of the OTT fashionista can be eye-wateringly shocking, it is ridiculous that the film has the same 18 rating as Antichrist. All the sex in Bruno is slapstick."
Bruno certainly is the most talked about film of the moment...by The Sun. Everyday for the past couple of months Bruno has gotten some sort of bumming up in the Sun's pages, including a review about a month before the film was even released, a puff piece about Sacha Baron Cohen being Britain's funniest comedian and the very day I write this (6/7/09) Bruno "guest edits" the Bizarre segment of the paper.
So is it really just that The Sun's a tad pissed off that Bruno getting an '18' certificate means that much of the audience for a film full of gay jokes, teenage boys, now can't legally see the film, hurting potential profits? I'm not exactly sure of The Sun's interest in Bruno doing well, but the amount of space given over to it, tenuously linking to any of Cohen's characters at any given chance, means that this announcement from the BBFC is a stinger. There is definitely an argument here about what the BBFC's role is in film censorship and whether Antichrist goes too far, but reading between the lines this piece has been written under false pretences.
What with the buggered economy, the nation's youngsters attempting to kill each other either through knife related stabbings or by passing on STDs to as many people as possible, politicians trying to spend all of our money on such necessities as porn and inflatable houses for ducks and global warming meaning more rain in Scotland, times are bleak. And when times are bleak we must look for an escape, some form of entertainment that takes us away from all this shit. Well what better an escape than a trip to the cinema? In that darkened room there's that magic window showing us fantastical pictures that match our dreams, as long as those dreams include giant robots kicking each others titanium posteriors while millions of innocent bystanders are killed. It brings a sense of joy to a heart weighed down by the fact that within those two hours that you're there you've probably lost your job, your house and those bastards who used to be your neighbours have shot your cat's eye out with an air rifle. Cinemas are indeed great at insulating you from the nastiness out with.
Or at least that's what you thought! You see there's a window of time that allows you to ignore all that is cracked about life and it opens when the trailers begin.But if you arrive earlier something sinister is afoot, something that can ruin your enjoyment of the entire experience. Forget the film, these events will overrule any giddiness it may bring. Forget a happy ending, like when the Cloverfield monster killed all those annoying fucktards, because fear will have clamped its considerably muscular arms around the throat that in this metaphor is your brain and has started squeezing for dear life.
It all starts pleasantly enough. Enter the theatre early enough and you'll find an atmosphere that's pretty relaxed. Some music will be playing, the best-of Curiosity Killed The Cat or a mixtape of all those mid-90's pop reggae songs by acts like Big Mountain and Pato Banton. It's music from a more innocent, care-free time when singing "girl I want to make you sweat" didn't trigger some feminist retort about chauvinistic attitudes in popular music. And anyway, what's wrong with a song where the guy is inviting her to go jogging? Sorry, I digress. On the screen are movie related place holders containing trivia, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes didn't use real tomatoes, or word games, guess the popular star: DRAB TTIP. It's all very nice.
Then the adverts start.
Not the trailers, but the adverts. The trailers are for movies about people dieing after using a haunted social networking site or the latest "serious" film from Euroland about relationships and stuff." FUCK OFF EUROLAND! I WANT A FILM INVOLVING CATS TURNING EVIL AND RISING UP LIKE A NEW FELINE NAZI PARTY TO DESTROY EARTH. GIVE US THAT MOVIE HOLLYWOOD! Sorry, I digress yet again. It's the adverts, the sort of pre-trailers trailers. At first it seems okay as it usually starts off with a Jack Daniels ad. You know, the ones filled with locals clearly ripped to the tits on the beverage they produce, and they're all happy and backwards and they live in the mountains and there's no women so you suspect that they may be cosying up to one another and it looks nice. Drinking makes you happy and able to enjoy the company of your fellow man, or at least it makes you forget. "Maybe I'll have a drink after the film," you say, "keep the fuzziness the film instills in me continue for a while." Drinking's great ain't it?
WRONG MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!
No, it's not fucking great. If you drink you'll end up murderising a kid whilst driving your 4x4 death machine under the influence of fake happy juice. And even worse, the kid's corpse will then stalk you, but not in a way that makes you feel like a celebrity. No, it'll make you feel like a murderiser!
HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING HAPPY AGAIN! Especially not whilst there are children lying dead under computer desks the world over. What I want to know is why the dead kid is ginger? This is a shocking display of casual racism on the ad makers, or Doom Merchants, part here as it suggests that gingers can't cross the road without noticing without noticing a hulking great Honda Civic baring down upon them. If that kid had hazel eyes or was from the island of Tonga the uproar would be incredible. As it stands the silence from the Anti-Sun campaigners is deafening. In fact it makes me bloody angry! So angry I'm now going to have to take some "chill pills". It happens I've just purchased some from the internet. Nothing can go wrong taking pills from the net, can it?
What the fuck? I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Is this like an urban update of that old wife's tale about swallowing an apple seed and a full blown tree blasts through your skull a few years later? It's just so wrong. Like really, really, really, really wrong. Do these ads play before kids films as well because Care Bears and the Magical Adventure in Happy Fluffy Town just got ruined for poor little Timmy. In fact his whole life's now ruined. In fact mines has been by it too, but little Timmy has more years of torment ahead of him. Unless he's ginger and lives near a main road with a ton of pubs on it. The only way you could make that video worse is if the bloke looked up from the sink to see a couple of kids standing in the doorway, faces aghast as they stare in disbelief at the rat. Then the little girl, through a tidal wave of tears scream, "Fluffy! You've killed Fluffy!" Then to top it off the little boy chips in, "Thanks a lot Dad, this is the worst Christmas morning EVER!"
Thankfully these grim examples of why everything ever is horrible are usually followed by an ad for the latest must-have mobile phone. This thing has a camera, a music player, an Atari Lynx emulator, and a function that makes chips the way your mum used to before chip pans were banned as the lethal weapons that they are. Hell, it can even make phone calls to other telephones, mobile or non-mobile. The ad's bright, it's colourful, it's loud and it's filled with happy, good looking people who are clearly living the good life thanks to this wonder machine that fits in their pocket. They're clearly people who have said "no thanks, I'll get all my entertainment from my phone" because watching stuff on a really small screen with tinny sound is clearly the way forward. Of course they want you to join them, and after seeing dead ginger kids, rats being vomited up and listening to Big Mountain, fuck, you want to join them. You want to be one of those beautiful people, happy because having spent so much time focusing on a 5" screen they've went blind and can't see the atrocious world crumbling around their beautiful, well-trainered feet.
You just want to be happy, like them.
WELL YOU CAN'T BE BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR JOB AND CAN'T AFFORD A NEW PHONE! You're stuck with your Phillips brick you've had for fourteen miserable, predictive text-less years. Even the happy ads now are punishing you, showing you what you should be, what you should have when you can't adhere because of matters outwith your control. It's basically saying "get it right up you, you shit phone owning knob you".
Hey, now a car ad's on with a soundtrack by Keane. Time to end it all. You may as well just stuff your face with popcorn until you choke. Ah well at least you'll get a sugar rush before you go, eh?
Only you won't because you accidentally lifted a bucket of salted on the way in. See you're so crap you can't even die happily. And now the film's starting and you just can't bring yourself to care. The world's caught up to you and not even the opening mantra "Directed by Michael Bay" could see you plunge lower.
And that's my account of the last time I went to the cinema to cheer myself up.
Aye that cracking wee bit of telly goodness Buffy The Vampire Slayer looks certain to be making the shift to the big screen. That is of course after it shifted from there to telly in the first place. But this time Buffy won't feature the man who created Buffy or Buffy herself. Sounds like a winner.
I'm not usually cynical, well okay I'm always way too cynical, but is it cynical of me to suggest that when Kuzui says:
"Everything has its moment. Every movie takes on a life at some point, and this seems like the moment to do this."
what was really meant was:
"Well Twilight made a shitload of cash and as a result vampires are, like, so in right now, hell even that weirdo Swedish number made money, that we'd be mad not to bring on some old skool teen vamp action"?
Slumdog cleaning up, hopefully it will at the Oscars now too,
In Bruges earning Martin McDonagh an award for Best Original Screenplay,
Er...that's it, really.
One point though, going back to the point I made about having separate Best Film and Outstanding British Film categories; if Slumdog's the best film of the last year how is it not the best British film? Or is that why it's worded as "outstanding", but then if that's the case then it shouldn't be nominated for the two awards.
Sorry, I'll shut up now as that's the tinpot Academy Awards over for another, underwhelming year. Roll on the Oscars so I can moan some more about that!
It's winter and to form Britain's transport system has ground to a halt thanks to "extreme conditions" that others call wintery weather. It's also the time where things are a bit chilly on the hot movie front (see what I did there?) with it being a long way off until the summer blockbuster season. It's also the post-Xmas fantasy movie period so the trailers before films aren't quite as CRASH, BANG, WALLOP as they are at other times. Of course this is actually a time when a number of cracking films, mainly subtle dramas, comedies and Oscar chasers, appear. So hears a wee look at the trailers that were on before a few of the films out in January, let's put it this way there ain't a Transformers!
Revolutionary Road
Looks bleak din't it? Fuckin' hell man. It's freezing out and the World's falling apart so let's go for some escapism at the cinema. That's escapism if your life's so shite that a couple stilted by their suffocating surroundings shouting at each other for two hours seems like bliss.
Looks like the acting's a bit good though, eh?
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
In which a bunch of smarmy people act smarmy because their lives are great and the Credit Crunch means nothing. Why would you want to watch that for two hours? Cinema's not about escapism, it's about reflecting how shite my life is and I want to see others suffering!
Oh, and how about Javier Bardem? What better way to leap back from having to sport a Dora The Explorer haircut in No Country than getting it on with Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johannson and that tasty yin from Frost/Nixon? Jammy bastard!
Gran Torino:
FUCKIN' YAAAAS!!!! Clint's rocking the shit in this one. Many hacks will say "it's Dirty Harry after he retires" and frankly I'm just as lazy. This looks bloody brilliant, kind of like if Dirty Harry was a pensioner and went mental.
Is it wrong that the sight of an aged Clint Eastwood made me as exited as seeing big CG robots beating the hell out of each other? Yes, yes it probably is.
So us Brits, in an attempt to break up America's monopoly on the big film awards ceremonies, have announced the nominations for this year's BAFTAS. Now people will tell you that these mean something, and I say guff to that. They say that it's a key awards ceremony in the run-up to the Oscars. It's not really, it's just a waste of time. Don't believe me? Well look at those nominations.
Now don't get me wrong, most of these films are pretty damn good. But look at the way that it's split up. There are nominations for films like In Bruges, WALL.E, Hunger, Waltz With Bashir and Man On Wire, a group of diverse films that have been very well received. An awards ceremony prepared to honour these films should be considered daring, but sadly the BAFTAS have taken the cowardly route. You see none of them are up for Best Film, but rather sit in categories best described as "Best Film That's Foreign, Animated or British and isn't Slumdog Millionaire". This is an awards that has a best film category that seems not to consider anything that isn't "worthy" filmmaking. Again, this isn't an attack on the actual films nominated for the category but the simple fact is that the list is boring, predictable and more than likely will be the same list as the Oscars. It tends to be the case with the BAFTAS hence them moving it to before the Oscars, not to be a yardstick, but to cover up how predictable and pointless the whole shebang is.
Of course the fact that they are then willing to celebrate the other titles I listed shows up this fact all the more so. WALL.E was easily one of the best films of last year, but it's a cartoon, you know, for kids, so best animated film is the best it can do. Sadly this really may be a predictor for the Oscars where Pixar and others have suffered from choosing not to film real people but operate in an art form that seems to be deemed less than worthy by awards panels, sitting just above comedy and horror in the pecking order. Waltz With Bashir is by all accounts another worthy nominee which has to make do with the animated slap in the face, but then gets a second for being nominated in the "Best Film Not In The English Language" category. Great wording there, what was foreign deemed offensive or something? Because let's be honest they're all foreign films (to us) and I doubt many Welsh language movies end up in this category because if they're any good they'll go in the biggest cop out of the lot, Outstanding British Film.
Apart from Slumdog millionaire, which was rightly considered in the Best Film category, all the other films probably came no where near even making that list, begging the question; what is the point of a British film awards ceremony that doesn't have a bit of a bias towards homegrown films. The Oscars does, and isn't this supposed to be ours? Nope, instead the British films get a separate category that doesn't even look to distinguish the thing as the Best film made hear, just an outstanding one. It's like giving the filmmaker a condescending pat on the head and saying "good try there son, maybe one day you'll get to make a Hollywood movie". Slumdog is a genuinely terrific film, but why is it nominated in both categories? It suggests that it'll lose to one of the less hyper-kinetic, i.e. old git friendly, movies like The Reader in best film then pick up the British award, look out for this happening with Waltz With Bashir too. It's good that less well known films like Hunger and Man On Wire are getting some recognition, but again why not give them top billing if they're that outstanding. And In Bruges, pity it as it's way too sweary and offensive for best film so we'll honour a genuinely fantastic British film in the proper way, bu ignoring it. It probably won't win a film category but McDonagh deserves best original screenplay and it deserves an acting award, although don't put money on Brendan Gleeson winning in Best Supporting Actor thanks to the likes of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Heath Ledger being in there. Of course he and Colin Farrell are joint leads so he's in the wrong category anyway.
And then there's the kick in the teeth, the final insult. After me moaning about BAFTA not promoting British film well enough I realise they actually have had a stab at it. Look at the last film in the Outstanding British category. Mamma Mia! Mamma fucking Mia! Why is this arseing piece of unmitigated anal leakage there? Because it's the most successful British film ever. Why? Because sad, middle aged women love ABBA. It's also British in that wonderful way where most of the funding and distribution actually comes from elsewhere. So well done BAFTA for nominating it, I suppose as your way of pointing out that everything in the world of British filmmaking is rosy thanks to the ridiculous amount of money this shitting thing took. This piece of industry back slapping is the final proof that BAFTA has got its priorities all wrong.
I for one am delighted that the webspace that is SPLICE seem to be a haven for people who dont particularly like James Bond. It is, effectively, a Quantum of Solace from Bond if you will. (see what i did there?)
I suppose this has broken the silence so i will enlighten you to my experiences of Bond while here and be done with it.
In total i have seen five Bond films. In the order; Goldeneye, Tommorow Never Dies, Dr No, From Russia with Love and The World is Not Enough. Goldeneye was surprisingly good, Tommorow Never Dies was ok so i thought i would watch them from the beginning, Dr No and Russia were Love then i gave up, "fuck it" i thought, i just dont get it, what is it about Bond that everyone (some of my mates especially) cream their shorts about? The final nail in the coffin was actually spending money at the cinema to see The World is Not Enough. Utter tripe.
I have seen some of the props from the films, the motor that goes under water or something, some other car that does something unbelievable, a gun probably, er, it was a wee while ago now that i was in Florida but i did see it.
And thats it, if i am honest then i will admit that i have hankered slightly to see Casino Royale but so far havent followed through on it. Maybe i wont.
This is all very meandering, just felt that something had to be said about Bond, James Bond and this is all i can offer, so bearing in mind i havent seen all the films, i have heard most of the songs and in all Bond based things people pick out their favourite villain, favourite Bond, favourite song, yadda yadda yadda. So my favourite Bond out of the 2 i have seen is Brosnan, favourite film: Goldeneye. the song from this the newest film has slowly grown on me and personally i think its a cracker so its my favourite Bond Theme. There we go, the dirty deed is done, Bond has been broached and i have came out the other side. So go wash your hands and then come back and enjoy Jack White and Alicia Keys.
