Joel Hodgson Is Back!

Lovers of Mystery Science Theater 3000 rejoice! The man who started it all is back with Cinematic Titanic and he's brought some MST3K alumni with him.

With The Film Crew and Rifftrax plus Cartoon Dump, Max The Hero and the launch of an official MST3K site with animated shorts featuring the bots plus the continuing releases of MST3K on DVD this is one hell of a time to be a Mistie!

Cheers to RAD on the MST3K Discussion Board and Satellite News for the info.

WARNING!

WARNING! This following piece contains swearing, ranting and a tirade against hack gorehound filmmakers.

We're all used to these types of warnings these days. Hell it's a surprise bags of chips don't say: "WARNING! contains fat 'n' shit". The powers that be have decided to nanny us and this extends to entertainment. CDs have featured the parental guidance stickers for ages. The back of the Twenty Four Hour Party People (to grab the closest video to me) states:

Language: Some, very strong

Sex/Nudity: Some, moderate

Violence: Infrequent, mild

Other: Sight of hard drug use

A bit more information than a simple guidance sticker, but it also has this on the front cover, the spine and directly above all of this:



On other words you have to be eighteen to watch it. Now if you have to be eighteen then I'd imagine that the film's probably not going to be the Teletubbies. Surely the certification attached to a film should be enough?

But no! Anything and everything that could in any way cause distress is now listed on the movie poster and often before the film at the cinema. the sort of warnings above are fair, if a little overkill, in the sense that they don't really reveal anything that happens in the film beyond shagging, drugs and swearing. If these things offend you don't watch. But when the warnings contain sentences like "WARNING! Contains human flaying, a particularly nasty eyeball thing and decapitation by clever device" it kind of ruins Saw part 84 before you've seen it. The thing is if I'm watching Saw part 84 (don't laugh it could happen unless the world ends seventy nine years from now) I know it's going to contain this stuff. It's marketed as a gory torture filled horror and it's been tagged as an '18' which means it isn't going to pussyfoot around the violence angle. "But what if it contains nudity or swearing?" a person who eats their own hair may ask. Yes because in a film like this, they're the elements that will cause offense. "The melted eyeball being cut off with a pair of rusty scissors then the gaping wound oozing puss didn't bother me, but when it happened she screamed "fuck!" I was pure aghast I tell you". Fuck off. If I'm watching a film called the Texas Chainsaw Massacre I expect it to be set in Texas and there to be a massacre involving chainsaws in some way. If not I personally would feel short changed. What I don't need is to be told that a film with that name starting at midnight on TV that's notorious and an '18' certificate "may include scenes that viewers find distressing". OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES!

But it's not just the 84 Saw movies and all those Rob Zombie arsefests (get back to making shite music instead of shite films, gore does not equal scary fuckwit (and that goes to you too Eli Roth, although not the music bit, unless you were in a band in college or something, then in that case aye) (deep breath) no, the warnings appear before kid's films too. Kid's films. Those fluffy innocent clouds of cotton poo have warnings before them, just in case your little darlings get all scaredy waredy. "WARNING! Contains mild peril". Mild peril. Oh God, no. Imagine witnessing mild peril. What does that even entail? A footchase a la Point Break but the characters are only playing tig? When I was young, as in a kid, I watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark, a 'PG' certificate, that includes a man's face melting off, while his mate's head explodes! As peril goes that's way beyond mild.

When I was a kid it seemed that all films aimed at me contained something that would get the film a '15' these days. These things are fun in a kid's film. Obviously these films should be a 'PG' but that should be enough to tell parents that they need to maybe check the film first. Slapping "WARNING! Contains melting face" kind of buggers the ending of Raiders. Shamefully instead it seems that audiences are going to be nannied more and more. I'm sure, and I hope I'm correct so I'm not making it up but equally I hope I'm wrong, I've actually seen a warning along the lines of "WARNING! Contains nothing that may cause offense". Now that's reassuring.

Happy Halloween

Yeah I know it isn't till Wednesday, but many will be celebrating it this weekend so here's a wee link to a list of what this lot consider the 100 scariest moments in film. Most come with attached video so you can poo your pants!

Thanks to Captain Hygiene on the MST3K forum for the heads up!

And here's a scary video so you really do fill your drawers with the brown stuff!

Things Learned From The Movies Part 1

How To Meet Women...

First spot an attractive woman you would like to embark in the act of copulation with. Next approach her and before you can say "hello" drop your keys or a doughnut, anything will do really unless it's a big wedding cake or something equally as splatterable, in front of her.

Now I know what you're thinking. Surely she should drop something then you show off how much a gentleman you are. Sure that's the scenario in an ideal world but you'd have to follow her around waiting for her to drop it and she'd probably think you're a stalker, not the best approach.

No, drop the thing yourself. When she stoops to pick it up make sure you stoop too. Then as she reaches for it stick the heid in her. If you fail to break her nose then she should laugh about it. Love shall surely blossom.

Thank you movies for teaching us how meeting women is possible.

The Movie Titles That Lie Part 2

Troll 2

A film that isn't a sequel to the abysmal eighties cheesefest Troll. That's bad enough of a lie but it also isn't about trolls. The monsters are bloody Goblins! Mind you it does involve the greatest clue as to what's going on in a movie ever. The town where it's set is called "Nilbog". See if you can work out that doozy.

And So It Comes To This - Those Endings Where You Say To Yourself "It Was Building Up To That?" Part 2

Spiderman 3

Not exactly the ending as such but the end of Venom.

For what feels like days the black symbiont is built up. "Ooooh look Peter's gone all dark physically and mentally. There's Eddie Brock. He's Venom right? Or maybe he's not. Seems to be taking a while."

Then he turns into him. It's cool as fuck. "Huzzah!"

Then the fandan gets beaten in two seconds by loud noise. I could've fuckin' beaten him with my own arse trumpets. Bloody jip this superhero nonsense.

The Movie Titles That Lie Part 1

The Thing That Couldn't Die

In which it does.

Mario Bros.

This video's even funnier than that shitfest starring Bob Hoskins as everyone's favourite racial stereotype games character:



(In honour of me finally buying a DS)

Fido

So you've cast The Big Yin Billy Connolly in your film, a man renowned for his vocal abilities and broad Scottish accent, and you don't want him to utter a single line throughout the movie. Disastrous decision? Turns out no.

Fido's an interesting little movie. Like Shaun Of The Dead it's a zombie film that places it's action somewhere a bit different. In Fido's case the setting is an alternative 50's America where the war fought the decade before was in fact the events of Romero's Night of the Living Dead. As we come in the situation's similar to Land of the Dead in the sense that the human race are walled into various cities which are surrounded by wasteland filled with the walking dead. Whereas in Land the city was a corrupt vice filled shithole, the setting for Fido is the sort of old fashioned American suburb where everything appears to be perfect, but inevitably the surface ideal is deceiving. The major difference between Fido and, say, the middle time-line in The Hours (you know, the Julianne Moore one, or the one without homosexual guilt or fake noses) is that man has harnessed the wonderful power of zombie thanks to brain modifying technology and any unlucky enough to have been caught in the war are now the bottom feeders of society. No respectable household can be seen not to have at least one as a servant.

And that's where we meet the Robinsons. Mum Helen (Carrie Ann Moss) is the sort of stereotypical 50's movie housewife in that all she cares about are appearances. As such she acquires a solitary zombie servant (the Big Yin), all the family can afford. This causes anxiety in Father Bill (Dylan Baker) who hates zombies and who's only dream in life is to be able to afford funerals for the whole family in which their heads are buried in separate coffins to avoid coming back for seconds. Son Timmy is delighted as he has no friends. Thus starts a touching friendship, much like those found in Lassie films or any of those TV shows that feature an animal with a name that points out what type of animal it is (Skippy, Flipper, er, Woof!). The only thing that could go wrong is Fido (the best name for a zombie ever?) eating one of the neighbours...

Shamefully Fido's never quite as funny as the initial setup suggests it's going to be. It's actually quite gentle in tone. Most of the humour is quirky, observational stuff based on the genres being melded together. That doesn't stop it being a good little film, it just doesn't quite reach the heights you might expect it to. There is a lot to love, the little visual touches such as Death! magazine, and the performances from the leads are excellent. Carrie Ann Moss shows she can do domestic goddess and humourous while Dylan Baker, you'll know who he is when you see him, is wonderfully paranoid. But it's the Big Yin's film. He doesn't have a line yet he is hilarious throughout, showing those acting chops like he did in Mrs. Brown. This time he has to convey everything through facial expressions and grunts, so in some ways it's an even better performance than that one. Oh, and he's scary as hell when he goes bad.

The thing is most people it seems will not see Fido. At the point of writing no release date has been set in the UK. It's a shame because it deserves to be seen. It may not be an almighty shakeup of the zombie genre, or a laugh riot, but it is a genuinely interesting film that will definitely find a cult following. And it would be a great shame if the Big Yin's performance was missed.

Lies The Film Industry Told Us

And so with the passing of Summer 2007, in regards to the weather I'm still waiting on the arsehole starting, it has been revealed that cinema going is booming, especially in the UK:

Lovely news story with ridiculously large URL

Another lovely little news story

Pretty much the same story a third time over (I'm covering the bases here)

Looks like the doom and gloom from the film industry about illegal downloading killing them is as pish as the idea that TV and VHS would hump them out of existence in the 50's and 80's respectively. Remember, when big businesses claim to be losing money, what they really mean is that they made less than before. They are still turning multi-billion profits. Maybe films would turn more profit if they didn't cost so much, or they were good!

Of course the real reason for films flopping could be down to women having the audacity to actually be cast in leading roles:

Nothing like some casual sexism, eh?

Props to XerxesTheCat in the MST3K Discussion Board for bringing attention to that story.

Xmas Adverts

And so on the 9th October 2007 I saw the first Xmas advert on the telly!

IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Even more alarming is what the advert for Xmas trips to Disneyland suggests. In the small print reads that the Xmas period lasts from 10th November to 6th January. Great! Now Disney are dictating how long Xmas should last. The festive period not long enough? No worries if you're a big corporation, just make up your own dates.

Rumours are still unconfirmed that Easter 2008 will last from 7th January to 9th November.

Happy Xmas everyone!

A Wee Film

In response to Ruud's post about film's being too long here's a wee video showing how it should be done:

Modern Films: Why so long?

This has been doing my tits in for ages, picture the scene, you pick up a DVD, it looks alright, i think i will watch it, turn it over, 131minutes, 131 minutes! for fucks sake, how can it go on for 131minutes!

Films are just too long these days, and i am not talking about epics and big budget things that are supposed to, i dont want an edited version of Once Upon A Time in America or anthing, a shortened Godfather. No, no no no no NO! But even still, i do think that editing has became the lost art of modern filmaking. And its not just me, Quentin Tarantino says this may be the reason that Grindhouse didint succeed at the box office; why would people want to part with their precious time for two movies in the one showing, that could be like four hours, however having seen Grindhouse that isnt the case but the people who are planning to see it dont know tha do they? this is because every films, well drama or seriouys films sees itself to nessecitate 2hours plus, and comedy, they eek out two hours regular now.

I dont think i am explaining myself well here, The DVD in question is Coach Carter, Samuel L. Jacksons film which i bought in a certain megastores sale on monday, this megastores sale isnt actually up to much this time, its the one that has or certainly had an iconic dog and a gramaphone thing happening a while ago, incidentally is that still the case, i am not so sure now, probably is. anyway, i digress (get used to it) i purchased Coach Carter to watch that night, so its about ten o'clock, football is finished so i pick it up and check the run time, 131minutes, for fuck sake, that doesnt include the time it takes for me to get all tat fucking plastic shit off it plus as its a Paramount DVD they have the language thing that you never realise comes up until you come in and it hasnt moved ont to films own menu, a real pet hate of mine.

Lets not be hasty here, its a good film, i actually really enjoyed it and watched it all in one sitting, a we minor miracle for me to be honest, or possibly not, i actually now watch loads in one sitting. in fact i watch almost everything this way, no, i remember now, my new sign for a good film isnt if i can watch it in a one-ah its if you dont check your watch for a while, thats the new touchstone for something that grabs your attention and holds it, ie a good film. In truth, i am a sports freak and most sports films grab my attention, Major League, best sports film ever (thats a comedy, i must add) Raging Bull otherwise (sports plus editing, i like it even more!) Alas more digression, the film is good, high school basketball, run down area, inspirational coach, teenage hijinks, strong message about futures of disenchanted youths, check check check check all the usual stuff is there plus some good performances, Samuel L. Jackson in particular. Is it just me or does Samuel L. Jackson just play his Pulp Fiction character in everything now, before that he didint, i dont remeber a big Jules Winnfield presence in Loaded weapon 1 or any other pre Pulp films, so is it Sam Jackson playing Jules Winnfield playing Coach Carter or is that really him, i have confused myself a bit here, if you understand it, then you understand it if you dont, then fine, but look out for it ya hear! back tot he film however and how it fits into this runtime idea, it has some bits throught the middle that are played to death, we get it, they are thick, its just overcooked in parts, and i am not even talking about cutting loads, maybe just 15minutes, and to be honest i wouldnt even be cheeky enought to say what to get cut specifically, just in general its too long.

anyway back to my explanation of why films getting longer irritates me, also the irony is not lost on me that i am singling out the lack of good editing in over long cinematic pieces when i am rambling line after line of useless pap here, i know full well that it could be cut down and said in less words but i feel i am on aroll and also, this isnt doing me out of money in the way a hollywood film would so leve it, just leave it! I just think that it would be nice if Hollywood got back to shorter films that have the same impact, comedies used to be 80 to 100 minutes, thats fine, you dont feel as if your giving up a lifetime just to watch a film, and good action film was slightly longer, 110 minutes for example, Bad Boys II is the first thing sadly that jumps to mind for that, too bloody long. anyway you get the idea.

it reverbarates onto your personal life in other ways too, say you havbent seen it and it gets to commercial television, to watch it with ad breaks can take up to three hours, three fucking hours, for BAd Boys II (again, first thing i thought of) its like the days of the monday night LYNX movie, or diet coke, i remember them sponsoring it too, same runtime only the news isnt flung in the middle!

so lets hope it gets cut down a bit, give us viewers a wee chance, long run times in my opinion, ably backed up Quentin, or is that the other way around, denyed us the Brits of seeing Grindhouse in its proper manner, so what next, regular film watchers arent intereste in arthouse epics about nothing and want films to fit into our lifestyles which are usually busy. i really want to end this with a "come on Hollywood, get it sorted kind of ending but as they will never read it it seems fucking stupid to do that, so instead i will thank you all for struggling through my poor spelling and punctuation and basically guddling through my 2hour comedy film type, Coach Carteresque blog.

cheers

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Pre-Black Sheep Fever

I'm not reviewing the zombie sheep gore-a-thon as the version I've seen was incomplete. Lots of unfinished effects and no music so I'd rather see the finished article before writing anything more. What I have seen was very promising that the spirit of early Peter Jackson is not dead.

Here's the trailer:



When that played before Superbad a lassie asked "is that meant to be scary?" If you are asking the same thing then don't bother seeing this, you won't get it.

Oh and if you think the premise is ridiculous, is it anymore so than a flock of seagulls attacking you? Think about it, won't you?