Friday 31 October 2008

Happy Halloween To You

Here's a scary video for you. This is a terrifying series of images:



Told you. Also the scariest, creepiest song I've ever heard!

Happy Halloween!

Slither



And so we come to the end of the Splice Halloween marathon thing for this year and what might be the most intense of all the films suggested. Slither is a strange, brilliant beast. It's a mish-mash of horror staples done in a style that recalls Evil Dead, Re-Animator and a ton of those schlocky 80's comic horror films. It too is very funny, but the humour is used to punctuate a pretty extreme set of events. So for every funny line, of which there are many, or stupid action, ditto, there are alien rapes, fat women giving birth to killer slugs, guys getting split in half, cows getting killed and the mutation of one character that just spirals until he takes up a house.

It sounds terrible when written down, I suppose much like Bubba Ho-tep, but just like that movie it's all about the execution and the performances. Nathan Fillion is the hero Bill Pardy, although I use hero in the Ash in the first Evil Dead sort of way, and as can be expected from him he's great. Goofy, charming and finally the guy you do want in this situation. Elizabeth Banks is also fantastic as Starla, a woman you most certainly don't fuck with:



The masterstroke in the casting though has to be Michael Rooker, who played Henry, that serial killer they done a portrait of, who as Grant Grant moves from an obnoxious slob through soeone experiencing love for the first time in their fifteen billion year lifespan to murderous alien to mutant freak with aplomb. Grant's the guy who finds a meteor with an alien parasite in it. it infects him, but has to use his brain and body to go about business so falls in love with Starla. then the parasite begins to mutate his body and he becomes a tentacled freak. That's not all, as he has set up a "womb" which gives birth to alien slugs that burrow into a host's brain, making them into a zombie that is connected psychically to Grant's original parasite. Then they go through the process of becoming one physically. So it's an alien possession, creepy crawly, mutant, zombie movie that's a bit like a comedy as well. A lot to take in.

It's a film that knows what it's doing though. As much as the threat keeps changing, and as a result the main protagonist of the movie changes on a number of occasions, this never becomes a mess, well it becomes a gory mess but that's something else altogether. this is thanks to James Gunn, who directed and wrote it. He's a guy that knows the genre very well, he wrote the 2004 version of Dawn Of the Dead and worked at Troma Films for quite a while. As a result he knows what he wants to do, and that is re-create those 70's and 80's films such as the early Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson ones, or the works of David Cronenberg during that time. There are many, many nods to the films throughout Slither. And what is so impressive about it is that Gunn has turned in a film that is worthy of those directors. It is intense, in an Evil Dead or Braindead sort of way. It bludgeons you with its ideas, and it is pretty damn sick. There's a good level of gore, disgusting but never too much that it becomes ridiculous, see Braindead, but there is also some genuine comedy found here too. Not just in the witty banter, but in the actual events. It's a film that becomes funnier the more you are acquainted with the genre .

In short if you're looking for just one modern B-movie to view with a group of friends on Halloween then Slither's the one. It was released about the same time as Snakes On A Plane and slipped under the radar while that film rode in on a wave of hype that was totally mis-placed. But it's a gem for those who like their horror gory, funny, sick and extreme. See Slither, it's one of the best movies of the past five years. I'm serious!

Ross and Brand

In suspenders from the BBC for phoning Manuel from Fawlty Towers and telling him that his grand daughter has been pumped. Lets face it we all know the story its been done to death in the papers and on the news.



I would like to put the Splice team forward to fill the gap. Film 2008 with Red and Ruud, Friday Night with Red and Ruud. Fucking hell, if you ahve seen any of the big mans videos on here he is a shoe in for ponderland as meandering bollocks talking is his favoured mode of verse!



Dear BBC,

myself and my esteemed would like to be considered for any of the posts you have available after "rossbrandgate" (can i claim this as my own?) we feel we fit the bill as we have done some radio work before (our excellent show breaking balls (see the list of websites splice endorses on the left of the screen)) and in all our time we never worked out how to get the phone to work so we can be seen as relatively low risk.

cheers for listening.

ruud and red

i think we have a chance.

i will now ask for my coleague to film a wee opening credits video for our new film 2008 show including the old barry norman music. and i will put a thanks underneath it showing that i asked, he obliged and i thanked him. (ie put vid under this but above thank u mate)

Cheers bud.

Ruud Kerouac

Action edit from Big Red:

Right here's what I knocked u. It features the new theme tune, a short synopsis of the sort of guff we'd do and then appeals to the Beeb. I suppose this is really a pitch tape for something that can and won't happen!

Enjoy:

Thursday 30 October 2008

Bubba Ho-tep



Strap yourself in for the plot to this one; Elvis and JFK are alive and unwell in nursing home in Texas. The former swapped places with an impersonator for a quiet life, the latter survived Dallas and was dyed black by the CIA so he couldn't be found. Then they realise that a mummy who has lived in the American south for so long that he's become a redneck has been sucking the souls of the residents of the nursing home through their bums thanks to some graffiti he's left in the public bathroom after crapping the soul residue out. Well The King and the President ain't taking it and armed with an electric wheelchair and a zimmer frame set out to kill Bubba. Oh and the entire narrative thrust of the film revolves around Elvis getting his first hard-on in over a decade.

It sounds like the most ludicrous film ever made, and yet it is in fact poignant, surprisingly moving and damn funny. Of course it's up to you if this is really Elvis and JFK, common sense would say no but the movie peppers little clues that suggest that they may not be two old mental cases. Either way by the end you'll have fallen so greatly for the characters that you won't care if they're the real deal or not. In fact you won't even notice how ridiculous this all is. This is mainly thanks to the performances. Ossie Davis as Jack is at once Presidential and also paranoid. Look for the little quirks he brings to the role, forever looking out for Lyndon B. trying to get him. Even better is Bruce Campbell, the God of cult schlock. It is often ignored, mainly thanks to the films that Campbell is in, that he is a pretty good actor. The fact that he chooses to do these projects, as opposed to them being all he can get, shows this. If you've seen his stint in the show Burn Notice you'll have already realised how good he can be. Here he is breathtaking as a man defeated, regretting the choices he has made in life and reduced to a bed-ridden, cancer of the penis stricken wreck. As the events unfold he finds he still has some life in him and finally gets to play the hero and go out a somebody. Again it doesn't matter if he really is Elvis, he believes he is and so he experiences true longing for a life gone south. The fact that Campbell manages all this while trying to be one of the most iconic people who ever lived, and a staple impression of every drunk guy, while in tons of old guy make up is even more unbelievable. It's just typical that when he finally turns in a performance like this he does it in a movie with this premise meaning that it will be forever ignored. It's unjust and deserves to be seen.

It's not just a sad peon to how to grow old gracefully. It's also a great comedy. The premise should tell you that, but the whole approach to language, and in particular Elvis' way of describing stuff is just beautiful in its hilarity. The fact that Elvis would clearly describe the size of a cockroach in relation to banana and peanut butter sandwiches is brilliantly observed, as is Bubba's hick speech, represented by hieroglyphs that spew forth from his mouth. Also look out for Jack's Oval Office style room and his words to ward off evil.

Bubba Ho-tep is a classic example of a film that could never be made within the studio system. Its premise is just too ludicrous and its execution totally skewed from what you'd expect. If a studio did green light this they'd insist on something less sad, more scary and they'd probably want a younger Elvis. And Bruce Campbell would never be allowed in this, unless he was killed first.

Wednesday 29 October 2008

The Monster Squad

Twenty reasons, in no particular order, why The Monster Squad rules:

1)The pompous opening salvo about Van Helsing and the vampire fighters that concludes; "they blew it".

2) Shane Black co-wrote it.

3) It's got a montage in the most 80's of senses.

4) "Scary German guy's bitchin'".

5) "We're at war with Vietnam. It's in Rambo!"

6) Richie Aprile from The Sopranos is in it.

7) Groundhog Day Part 12; not the Bill Murray film's eleventh sequel, but a swipe at Halloween, Friday 13th et al. Anyway this is older than the time loop comedy. So Monster Squad is directly responsible for that other great film (okay, it's not).

8) Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Wolfman, The Mummy and The Creature From The Black Lagoon (okay that's cheating a bit)

9) Mr. Alucard (straight from the Nilbog school of clues that one).

10) Eugene's Dad deals with the "monsters".

11) "Rudy, a question. Do you know any virgins?"

12) Dracula drives, and a hearse with a silver skull hood ornament no less.

13) The effects are actually way better than you remember/think.

14) "Creature stole my Twinkie".

15) "Maybe we should be 'Nature Squad' and look at rocks and birds and not be dead".

16) "The Wolfman's got nards!"

17) The Mummy's death is genius.

18) "Like really religious Sean, why don't we just go and do it in Burger King?"

19) "My name is Horace!"

20) The closing "with it" Monster Squad theme tune:



See the Monster Squad! I bloody well mean it!

Tuesday 28 October 2008

The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari



Some site this as the first horror film ever made, it more than likely isn't, but it is still one of the finest. And although it's not the first horror, it very likely is the first film to feature the "twist ending".

So why should part of your Halloween marathon include a silent movie from 1919? I mean it can't be scary can it? To modern audiences, no, but if you allow yourself to be enveloped by its world it'll seriously get to you. The story is a pretty simple one. When a small German town holds its annual fair the main attraction is a weird man called Dr. Caligari who shows his ability to control a somnambulist. The sleep-walking freak predicts people will die that night and then they do. When one of those people is Francis' friend Alan Francis decides to take matters into his own hands.

Ho hum by today's standards. What makes Caligari so astonishing, even today, is its visual style. It is a film of artifice, with a style drawn from the German Expressionist movement of the time. Firstly it looks unrealistic, and this is deliberate. It looks like it is shot in a studio and that everything is painted. Rather than this being the result of it being low budget tat, it's like this by choice. The set design actively draws attention to how fake it looks. It wants you to enter the world of the film, one that looks similar to the real one but is just ever so slightly off. Beyond the fact it looks like a set, obviously influenced by theatrical productions of the time, is the fact that everything within it seems to be misshapen. Angles jut from all corners of the screen and everyday things are twisted and stretched into odd shapes and sizes, a perfect example being the town clerks ridiculously over-sized chair. he has to stoop to fit under the ceiling. What is great is that beyond this being merely cool looking the skewed sets actually tell the story of the film. The overall feeling is an ugly world, twisted and jagged. It looks as if it is created by a madman, or that the people who inhabit it have mutated it into something vile and dangerous. Within the big picture there are some fantastic little visual moments. The aforementioned chair tells us that the clerk is important but could also be read as a representation of the pomp and self aggrandising of people in these sorts of positions. The chair is ridiculous, but the clerk continues to sit in it as it raises him above everyone else. When the clerk is found murdered in his bedroom we are presented with the scene here to the right. He was stabbed, and the room's telling you that. The huge window appears as a knife's blade thrusting into the bed where the dead clerk lays, as if the world itself has murdered the man.

Now this is a spoiler so stop reading now and go watch it if you don't want it ruined for you but have been intrigued by what has been written.

The clerk has been murdered by the world. This is because the world is the creation of one character's insane mind, hence the way it looks. His murder has only happened because Francis has made it up. This is the twist I was talking about. A framing story was added by the director after the fact that reveals Francis to be in an insane asylum. He is telling his story to someone, but it becomes clear that all of the characters are based on fellow inmates and the story is in fact an old Italian tale he has read, but he has been unable to separate fact from fiction. And of course we're put in the same position. Is this a true story or a load of rubbish, the ramblings of a madman?

This is not to say that the story isn't intriguing. It's actually a very clever little story. And the acting is great too, in that over the top silent style. Here it really works though, especially for Caligari, who is all bluster and huge gestures, and Cesare, the somnambulist, who walks about with fluidity, almost in slow motion. He is genuinely creepy wandering about as if a dream creature, at one with his surroundings, no matter how bizarre.

The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari is a work of art. Not just as a visual feast. It is an important piece of filmmaking that has gone a long way to dictating many of the tenets of the horror. It is also massively important in the shaping of filmic storytelling, not just in the twist, but in the continuity style as well. It still influences filmmakers to this day, the most obvious being Tim Burton. Then there are the social readings which I won't go into here, but Caligari is seen as a key text in understanding post World War I Germany, and the feelings present that allowed the Nazis to gain power. In fact it is actually blamed in one of the most famous film critiques ever written; From Caligari to Hitler by Siegfried Kracauer. Whether you agree with the idea that a film can hold that level of power or not, it is an interesting read nonetheless. As much as it is a fine example of film as art and a damn important film, it's also great. It's a film that will get into your head and stay there, gnawing away at you. Think of it as the film version of Edvard Munch's The Scream. Another words, it's a perfect little horror film for your Halloween marathon.

Sunday 26 October 2008

Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

Tremors (1990)

For some reason I keep thinking that Tremors is an eighties film. Of course it actually came out in 1990 and thus is eligible for Splice's Greatest... and so I'll pop it in. My write up is here so i won't bother doing that again. All I really need to do is place it in the list so:

1. Braindead
2. Hudsucker Proxy
3. Grosse Pointe Blank
4. Tremors
5. Cube
6. Galaxy Quest
7. White Men Can't Jump

Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

A Preamble

Aye, aye, it's been two months! Well now that Halloween's upon us I'm going to cover one of my favourite films of the 90's and one that would have definitely gotten done anyway:

Braindead (1992)

Synopsis

Peter Jackson trumps Pegg and Wright by doing a Rom-com with zombies over a decade before Shaun Of The Dead. Lovable loser Lionel falls for shopgirl Paquita but his overbearing socialite mother is having none of it. Then she gets bitten by a Sumatran Rat Monkey and all hell breaks loose. It's officially the goriest film ever by volume of fake blood used.

Review

Those who thought Peter Jackson was a bad choice for the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy may have watched Braindead before making that decision. In fact they could have seen any of his early movies, but the first three, this and the two previous Bad Taste and Meet The Feebles, will have brought them to the same conclusion. I'd have loved to have been in the room with the Tolkien fanatic who decided to check these out to see who this upstart New Zealand director was and if he was fit for the task of interpreting this blokes equivalent of a sacred text.

Braindead, for lack of a better word, is mental. Jackson had already shown his intense sense of humour and love of gross-out gore in Bad Taste and Meet The Feebles, but the third by him trumps them with such incredible gusto that it's difficult to actually stomach at times. A friend of mines had to turn it off after about half an hour. The thing is that's the movie at its tamest. sure there's the custard scene, the bit with the dog, a neat solution to the problem of getting bitten and a zoo keeper with a bad sense of tact. What probably finished him was the bit with the nurse's face. But that's nothing on one of the most notorious scenes from any splatter movie, one that was heavily edited in America when Braindead was originally released, as Dead/Alive thanks to another movie with the name. It is of course the lawnmower scene:



That's one hell of a set of blades on that thing! My lawnmower packs it in if you hit a patch of moss. Of course it's not just the level of gore in this scene, and the rest of the movie, that makes it. It's the ideas. Jackson has played with the convention of the zombie movie hero with his chainsaw in a way that fits into the film perfectly. It's quirky in that way non-American takes on these types of films tend to be. Why else would the central plot really be a pretty typical romantic comedy? And the supporting cast of characters are great, the main attraction being the Nazi war criminal vet, but the Kung Fu vicar comes close. Then there's Uncle Les a sick fuck you're glad gets killed, but at the same time appears to be the only one able to actually take on the plague. Of course it's his party that creates it. Another great twist in Braindead is that instead of the plague of zombies laying siege to the family home they are already in it thanks to Les' shindig.

The fact that the threat for Lionel is in the family home is central to Braindead's theme. It's really a film about family, or rather about the point when it's time to fly the nest. Lionel's mother is horribly overbearing but in Paquita he is presented with his escape. Of course Mum has to go and become a zombie and infect a few others forcing Lionel to make what appears to be the pretty bad decision to set up another, this time very dysfunctional, family in the basement. It's like he's actually not ready to give up his family, even when Mum dies and so creates a new family unit when surely it would have been easier just to kill the zombies. Of course he may also be creating the family he didn't have thanks to his Father's. Then there's his "grandchild", the zombie baby, the answer to the question "but what if zombies give into our other base instinct, to mate?". The scene where Lionel takes it for a walk is straight out of slapstick, except you won't see many old films where the hero punches the kid in the face. Again, why does he take it out? Eventually Lionel naturally is forced into the decision to give up on the family home but in a truly demented ending has to literally escape the womb.

Braindead isn't a scary film. It's really a comedy, but like Tremors it has some brilliantly constructed set pieces. As for the gore it is insane but actually gets to be so much that it just becomes hilarious. By the lawnmower scene you are almost numb to it after witnessing the myriad deaths, I won't ruin them for you, but how they managed to pull this off on the pretty small budget is a miracle. Then there are the different zombies, from the one who ends up with a gnome for a head to the one who ends up as three, his top half, his legs and his innards that dropped out the former which form into a creature by using his sphincter for a face. As I said, you wish you could have seen what the Tolkien enthusiast's face looked like taking this in, but as I pointed out it really is an incredible achievement given the budget and so actually does hold great significance into how Jackson pulled off his famed trilogy. They'll be the films that he is remembered for, but Braindead may well be his actual masterpiece.



Top 100 Where And Why?

Braindead goes in at number 1 at this point.

1. Braindead
2. Hudsucker Proxy
3. Grosse Pointe Blank
4. Cube
5. Galaxy Quest
6. White Men Can't Jump

Over to John and his list!

Saturday 25 October 2008

Tremors



Remember a time when Tremors was on Channel 4 at least once a year. It was the same time that heathers, Mystic Pizza and Raising Arizona shared the same status. But those heady days are gone, and the modern take on the cheesy 50's B-movie has all but dried up in favour of some guy with a brain disease playing deadly versions of Kerplunk with his victims, or something like that.

Tremors is one of those films that may be perfect! Yup I said it. The guys behind it just get cheesy, creature feature horror. From the quick build up of the opening scenes, with some disturbing little scenes, through the brilliantly tense action set-pieces that make up the rest of the movie it just oozes class. The ideas on show are fantastic. And I'm not just talking about whole Jaws on dry land thing, or the scenes where the characters are trapped on rocks or on roofs and have to think of a way off without touching the ground. No I'm talking about the visual flair. This is a low budget film and so the idea of popping your monster underground is a great one. It's a terrifying idea, but it also covers the monster up, making it more scary. The unseen is better, or worse to be specific, than a crappy rubber monster, just ask Speilberg. The problem is is what that leaves you with is a bunch of people running about bolting from nothing. So queue some ingenious little effects that show where the monsters are, such as the scene where Val and Earl run alongside a fence and the posts fall as the creature passes under them. Cheap as chips. it also means copious amounts of Sam Raimi's finest achievement, outside of beating up Bruce Cambell with gay abandon, the cheapo glider cam thing. Want to show the creature's point of view but need the camera to move quickly and glide unnaturally but don't have the money for a steadicam? Pop your camera on a plank of wood and run. Of course I'm guessing this was used on Tremors but i wouldn't be shocked.

But all that would be for nothing if you didn't have the characters. You care about this lot. They're funny, and just like the creatures, a bit dumb, but learning as they go. There are some wonderfully over-the-top performances, none more so than Mr. 84 degrees of himself; Kevin Bacon. then there's the ever-brilliant Fred Ward, who really should have had a more prominent career, seriously the guy's great. The interplay between the two is great fun.

What makes Tremors so great is that it fully understands how ludicrous movies like Them! are, that their central concepts are really dumb and that the movie is as much about enjoying the experience as being terrified by it. So the treatment gently pokes at the conventions, and the stupidity without ever tearing the stuff down. It's actually a very intelligently constructed and tightly scripted movie passing itself off as a B-feature.

Tremors; the cleverest dumb movie ever made.

Friday 24 October 2008

Teeth



So I was reading this book on horror films the other day, called "Horror Films" originally enough. In his introduction the author James Marriott at one point claims "... for all of horror films' often formulaic nature, the genre throws up a kind of wild creativity that just isn't seen anywhere else". Let's pluck some random clunker to prove the point. How about Virus starring Jamie Lee Curtis? Totally humdrum horror film, but the monster was cool! Friday The 13th? Rip-off of Halloween and Black Christmas but the deaths were brilliant in their ingenuity. When I first heard of Teeth's premise it got me thinking about this kind of thing, before realising that although the idea of a woman who has molars down there (or if you want me to go all colloquial on yo ass she's got a fanny wae teeth) sounds like an original idea for a horror movie, the myths of such a creature have existed for what seems the entirety of humankind.

The originality in Teeth's case doesn't even come from the fear of dismemberment that pervades our nightmares, and thus many horror films, or even the old tenet that sex = death. Rather it is in the way that these things occur. The dismemberment is a particularly male related one that thanks to some graphic prosthetics will definitely cause some psychological problems for at least half of the audience. As for meeting your maker after getting your end away it is the act itself that causes you harm, not some lunk in a hockey mask stabbing you in the spleen after having a romantic knobbing around the back of the school disco. The monster is the female sexual organ on a physical level. On a meta-physical one it is female sexuality that creates the beast. But even that isn't something new. The myths about Vagina Dentata are entirely about that, and the masculine fears brought about by it. The difference here is that rather than the female being some monster to be conquered, thus restoring the norm, Teeth's monster is a teenage girl coming to terms with what her own body is becoming and what it can do. In this respect director/writer Mitchell Lichtenstein has inverted the myth, and by telling it in a contemporary setting has tailored it to modern sensibilities. Dawn's problem isn't something for man to tackle and defeat, rather it has been created exactly because of this attitude. This isn't simply another Ginger Snaps where the transformation can be a solely credited to burgeoning sexuality, but rather it occurs thanks to the oppression imposed by society. Men's sexuality is weak and so men in the movie attempt to exert themselves over females. This leads to the female sexuality becoming suppressed, as it going unburdened frightens males and is seen to be like horror films themselves, an affront to social order. But in Teeth the woman with the power to reverse this situation is the, slightly troubling, hero.

At this juncture then it is interesting to note that Marriot's assertion about the horror genre comes about because he realises that many people think that the genre is "unsavoury". He decides that this occurs in relation to Robin Wood's theory that horror's main concern is realising those things that are repressed by the individual and oppressed by society at large. And if cilvilisation is a form of repression then creativity and imagination are considered dangerous, thus horror's position in society. Teeth may be one of the most perfect examples of Wood's theory we have seen. Not only is Dawn's mutation brought about as some form of evolution thanks to years of oppression, but it then causes her to subconsciously repress herself sexually thanks to joining a chastity group.

On this level Teeth is a very interesting film that raises a lot of issues. And in its hero figure it becomes very grey. Is Dawn a hero? Or is she really still just the monster of the myths of old, one that males cannot conquer? As for the attitude to males, they are either pathetic or rapists. It's a very pro-feminist movie but one written by a male. As such it may be felt that some issues may be simplified thanks to this. The film is well directed and suggests Lichtenstein may be one to watch. He is assured behind the camera and creative in his writing. He has created a film that is morbidly funny, although this is at the expense of it being even remotely scary. It's probably more horrifying than terrifying. It's pacing is also a tad slow for the first half, although a sense of dread is built it takes a little too long to get going. At least the characters it takes the time to establish are interesting, although maybe not likable, as opposed to, say, Cloverfield which spent an age establishing shallow sketches with nothing going for them whatsoever. The performances are on the whole good, with Jess Weixler as Dawn proving to be a very promising talent. She is definitely the best thing about the film with a very mature performance as a sexually innocent woman adjusting to the changes in her body. Then the second half is pretty much relentless penis dismemberment, yeah you read that right! The problem is that while the first half sets up a pretty sombre exploration of the themes I've talked about it becomes a comic B-horror from the Gynecologist scene onwards. It's very amusing and pretty sick and manic, but it's an almighty swing from what has already happened. It's like watching two separate movies. It seems that Lichtenstein may have been unsure exactly where to go with his initial premise. It's a bit of a shame but that two halves are both decent to good movies that, although don't quite work as a whole, are still at turns interesting and entertaining.

The best way to take Teeth is as a very dark comedy about female empowerment. If you can do this then you may find a lot to like in this film. It is flawed, but it is interesting and a lot more complex than the initial premise may suggest.

CT: Legacy Of Blood



If you've heard of Legacy Of Blood, and why the hell would you have, then you'll know it's one freaky mama-jama of a movie. You'll also know it's effin' awful. Made about the same time as that great "worst movie ever" candidate Manos: The Hands Of Fate, Legacy Of Blood is similar in the sense that the acting's terrible, the camera work severely flawed, the audio is out of sync and the script is all over the shop. Oh, and it's trippy and you know for a fact that the guys who made it thought it was deep and edgy.

Realistically it's mind-numbing and nauseating. This is the type of film that introduces a character to have made a lamp out of skin and has a thing for Nazi memorabilia purely so you suspect that he's the killer, when in a way he's actually the hero. Mind you that's probably because he's the closest to a likable character, and trust me when I say he isn't. The rest are conniving bags of shit who appear to maybe be doing each other whether they are related or not or the victims of the big Daddy's sex games.

Basically it's a sleazy mess of a movie that actually has one of the most standard plotlines you could hope for, the "spend the night in a haunted house to gain your inheritance" one. This time it's a mad murderer going about instead of a monster/ghost, although the "ghosts of the past" are haun...oh fuck it. This movie's abysmal and doesn't deserve the word count afforded it so far. It may even have been fun if it wasn't so wrong in so many ways. Of course it being terrible plays right into the hands of the Titans as the movie serves up straight fastballs over the plate time and again for them to pummel all hell out of.

The riffing on this one is pretty brilliant. The Titans are getting more slick, although there are still the odd wooden deliveries in there, and the writing is getting stronger with each film. As I said the film helps as it serves up many things for them to savage, such as a severed head in the fridge, incest, Johhny in a fish tank, skin lamps, old women trying to be sexual, young women unable to stop being sexual and John Carradine. Plus there's oddball servents, wispy back hair, death by bees and a shocking series of twists neither twisty nor shocking.

As I said it's sleazy, and a wee bit gory and violent as well. It's a gear shift from the dull Wasp Woman film, although to be fair to that it is the best film featured on CT so far thanks to Corman actually having some ability as a director. It's closest in tone to Oozing Skull which was also a grubby little micro-budget production and highlights that CT's main concerns may be the absolute arse-end of cinema, delving even lower than MST3K ever did, mainly because it can thanks to being a DVD/download show.

All in all this is another excellent installment of Cinematic Titanic. At this point the show has really found its feet and is delivering some very strong, hilarious material. Also the less is more approach, the opposite of Rifftrax which has been labouring a bit thanks to a hectic release schedule, has certainly helped to keep things fresh. At this point each installment is worth the wait.

You can order Cinematic Titanic: Legacy Of Blood here.

Hang on! I've just realised, Legacy Of Blood's meant to be a comedy! I mean look at it. You telling me that's a serious film? And if you do read it that way then it's...er...still bloody awful, so who really cares.

Dodgy wink to camera, and out.

Halloween



That's right. It's a week until Halloween and so Splice will begin counting down by looking at a ton of scary stuff. It'll kick off with the new Cinematic Titanic offering Legacy of Blood before a look at some films that could make for a great Halloween marathon come the 31st, including a review of one just out on DVD over here and the latest of my Greatest 90's films as well.

Enjoy, or not. In fact don't. Because it's halloween so it's aw horrible n that!

BWA HA HA!

Monday 20 October 2008

PG Porn

Ever thought while watching a Porn film, "wow this plot is really gripping and the acting's really great" and then BAM! the people start riding and it just spoils your enjoyment. Well now James Gunn, director of the wonderful Slither, has the thing for you, PG Porn. It stars some people you may know from movies and TV and others who you'll claim not to know from the "adult industry".

Here's episode 1 featuring Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni:


Nailing Your Wife

Saturday 18 October 2008

Burn After Reading



So while trying to write a plot synopsis of Burn After Reading I realised that I really just shouldn't bother. Why? Well if you've seen earlier Coens like Big Lebowski or films that have influenced them like the 1941 version of The Maltese Falcon you'll know, it ain't about the plot. The plot is ultimately so tangled and pointless that to try and follow it would cause headaches. Rather Burn After Reading is about reveling in its own ridiculousness, in its own stupidity. And that's an appropriate word given the nature of the characters and events on show here.

You see no matter how smart those involved are in the making of this film, everyone in it's a bleeding moron. From the lowly gym worker to the CIA's best, no one knows anything. And it's actually this stupidity that drives the increasingly complex plot onwards. Everyone makes bad decisions because they're not smart enough to do the right thing. And the overriding feeling is confusion. It's summed up best by J.K. Simmons' top CIA man who in two scenes steals the show as the voice of the audience when he questions everything that's happened and then basically just gives up trying to work out why any of this means anything.

On other words it's typical Coens, and it's a further stride after No Country For Old Men to putting those dark rubbish years behind them. Of course this means that anyone not enamoured by the Coens' way with a story, and the emotional distance they tend to employ, won't be won over by this. Similarly any who came to them through No Country may be left scratching their heads, probably in the same way fans of Blood Simple were flummoxed by Raising Arizona. But for anyone who loves the Coens' work, and especially the more madcap comedic moments, then this is brilliant.

What was interesting about the showing I went to were how many young people were there, I'd imagine tempted by the Oceans reunion of Pitt and Clooney. And gaging their reaction to it it seems to be a film that goes down well. I was shocked as I felt that the Coens' style might not have went down well with the Disaster Movie crowd, and yet the audience I was in were laughing like mad. Like Lebowski it's a bloody hilarious film, full of over the top performances, clever dialogue and absurd situations. Plus it ends up becoming fucking dark. And then there's that cast.

The teenagers may have come for the Pitt and the Clooney, and both do a great job of subverting their images with turns that are wonderfully dumb and terribly sleazy, but they probably stayed for the cold, harsh Tilda Swinton, the incredibly aggressive John Malkovich, the best he's been in, like, forever, and Frances McDormand. Her character's no where near as lovable as that in Fargo but she brings so much to it that she's pretty much the only one you can root for. She's...adorable even when being a bitch. What's interesting is that the Coens are often criticised for not being "actor's directors" and yet they are the only ones that ever mine anything of worth from Gorgeous George. And the rest haven't been as good in anything else of late. Coupled with No Country's masterclass that's pretty impressive for guys who can't work with actors.

For those not charmed by the Coens' style of doing things, avoid as it's the Coenyist thing they've done since O Brother, Where Art Thou? If, on the other hand, you love them then you know what to expect. It's the brothers doing what they do best and doing it damn well. Hilarious, dark, confusing, absurd and, thanks to its cast, beautiful to look at Burn After Reading confirms that No Country wasn't just a blip in the downward slide but a full scale reversal. It's almost as if The Ladykillers never happened!

Friday 10 October 2008

Consolevania Is Back

Rab and Ryan are back doing what they do best, generally fuddin' about and being a bit fat. Bloody yes!



Series 4 is go so go to their website and get watching. You can also check out their earlier stuff too. HUZZAH!

Wednesday 8 October 2008

Igor (I think that's how it's spelled)

So remember how Rat-A-Too-Ee (sorry for the crappy quality video, shot on old camera) was sold with the ol' phonetic spelling because it was a French type name so little kids wouldn't know how to pronounce it? Fair enough really but it now looks like this is something that's going to catch on. Check out the poster I noticed in a local bus stop for the latest computer animatothon, Igor:Look at that! EEEE-GOR!

So what is this about? Well it's one of two things, and either way it's studio executives treating the general public like arseholes. It's either:

a) That people are really so stupid that that 'I' at the start of the title will completely throw us and we'll mis-pronounce the two syllable name of a very famous character as eye-gor.

or,

b) They think we are so stupid that we'll go "Oh look, that film's got one of those pronunciation guides like that brilliant little film Ratatouille, I'll take the weans to see that as it must be just as good".

Now I have no idea if Igor is any good, it may well be, but this is a new for movie executives, whichever it is.

Wednesday 1 October 2008

My Name Is Bruce

Since it's the month of All Hallows Eve and everything:



OH FUCK AYE!