Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number 30 Is.........

A normal advent calendar has 24 days, 24 doors. modern calendars have weirdly 31 doors taking it up to Hogmanay. I dont understand that.

Ours had 24 days. Cos thats cool.

But today i say a gid video and it cany wait til next year. Cos its funny.

The Trio - It's Christmas Time from Allan Bannerman on Vimeo.

Xmas Riffing Update

Rifftrax went and released a further three Christmas shorts after I posted the roundup of Xmas riffs. They are Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Dream and The Night Before Christmas.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 24

It's Christmas and you know what that means! It's time for the greatest Crimbo song ever courtesy of Mystery Science theater 3000. I am, of course, talking about the Roadhouse based Xmas Carol A Patrick Swayze Christmas.

Obviously the events of this year have made this an even more poignant song and what better film to base a Christmas song on than the one that features Swayze at his most Swayziest.

So here's to Splice's first Hero Of Cheese and to all of you a merry Christmas:

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Twenty Three Is.........

Shirley Temple



This is my new favourite Christmas song.



Merry Christmas readers

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 22

Right so to the last of our Xmas movies and an all time classic, often regarded as the finest Christmas film, It's A Wonderful Life starring the God-like Jimmy Stewart.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I miss Tudor crisps, I mean they were just so damn tasty. Everything good always goes away". You're also thinking "but I thought you were looking for perfect 'Bah Humbug' film so why are you looking at the most feel good Yuletide flick ever?" and it's a good question. In fact, both are.

You see my memories of It's A Wonderful Life from when I was younger are entirely framed by another essential Yuletide watch Gremlins, that cynical little gem. That and Phoebe from Friends' description of it in the episode where she finally sees the ending of Old Yeller and loses all faith in movies. She basically sums it up as bleak and fixates on his ear.

Of course actually seeing it makes you realise that it's really very lovely and all that.



But then I read in last week's Sunday Herald Arts section about a review of the film by Wendell Jamieson of the New York Times that he wrote last year:

"(it's) a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to his grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife."

Ol' Jamieson sounds like my kind of chap. I thought after reading this "do you know what, he might be right" so I whipped out my copy of It's A Wonderful Life and braced myself for the greatest Bah Humbug film ever.

Only it's not is it?

No matter how correct all that stuff might be it's still such a heart-warming, brilliantly done film. And as such it's no fucking good to me this holiday season is it? I want to be left alone in my own embitterment. This isn't going to help me do that. Christ, the end is bloody lovely!

It's A Wonderful Life may well be the greatest Xmas film ever. As it stands Elves is better than it. But that's coming from my horrible, dark little Christmas Corner. I'd say join me in it, but I don't want you to.

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Twenty One Is.........

Jack Bauer



I love a good Kiefer Sutherland drunk photo so i do. The man is an excellent boozehound i think. Today i will post a video you may well have seen as it has been pretty popular over the past week but i will post it here for posterity and it will remain forever more. Its a deleted scene from 24.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 20

Christmas is a time for laughs and with most television comedy being utter shite I thought I'd look at a type of comedy I love, riffing on bad movies. The main reason is because there are so many Xmas riffs available from the collective riffing groups of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic. As such I thought I'd have a look at what's available.

Mystery Science Theater 3000

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (Episode 321)

First up MST3K's first stab at a Christmas special and it features a classic of bad movie proportions. When a bunch of Martians decide that they need to bring joy to their robotic kids (or is that just robotic kid actors?) they fly to Earth and kidnap Santa. They also take a couple of annoying Earth kids so they don't tell anyone of their plan although they instantly shaft the plan up the pie hole by leaving Mrs. Claus and the elves alive. Whoops. What follows is the goofiest, wackiest most boring film your kids could ever wish for. Santa cracks some bad puns, a baddie Martian continuously tries to murder Kringle and thekids and we meet Droppo, the comic relief. Oh Droppo why? Imagine an even less likable Rob Schneider caked in green makeup prancing about with the grace of Giant Haystacks in high heels and you're still nowhere near the horror of this performance. The whole movie is available to view on Youtube unriffed if you're some sort of masochist or something here.

Thanks to this and a number of sketches that have gone down in Mistie lore as classics this episode is well loved.



That said the riffing isn't always at the strongest that they managed to muster during season 3 of the show. As such it also tops many an over rated episode poll. It's still a very good episode though and one well worth seeing, especially for the movie and skits. Be warned though, the movie has been known to make kids act violently towards parents who let them see it!



Santa Claus (Episode 521)

MST's second Xmas episode isn't based on the Dudley Moore film but rather a 1950's Mexican movie that presents maybe the most bizarre telling of the Santa myth, sorry, Santa legend. Seriously, the only way to describe this movie is that it's effin nuts! Santa Claus Conquers The Martians sounds like a nutty extravaganza but no matter its set-up it's actually quite a boring film. That can't be said about this one. Santa lives in a magic sky castle and is surrounded with all sorts of weird inventions. He ends up doing battle with one of the Devil's minions called Pitch, who's out to corrupt the children of the world, sorry three Mexican brats. Santa seems to have the ability to just magic up some sort of power as he needs it, like the flower that makes him disappear or the various magic powders that allow him to alter the dreams of kids and stuff. Oh and Merlin turns up as well.

The movie's insane charm, the guys who made it are some sort of crazy creative geniuses, coupled with top riffing make this one of MST's best episodes. It came at a time where the show seemed to do no wrong, and even the changing of a host didn't derail it.



Rifftrax

Nestor The Long Eared Christmas Donkey

Come on, you know the story of the hideously deformed animal mocked by his peers until he is finally accepted after he is chosen to guide an important figure at Christmas. That's right, Nestor is so beloved...no, wait, he isn't. That's someone else. Nestor's one of those stop-motion animations from the 70's. It's a bit rubbish and is perfect riffing fodder. Be warned though, it features donkey death, a very unsubtle racial metaphor and some of the most cynical Xmas riffing you could hope to hear. If you love this time of year don't watch this. It'll turn you!



Star Wars Holiday Special

Oh the humanity!

You may never have seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. You may have never even heard of it. This infamous Xmas special was created to cash in on the original film's huge success and features pretty much the whole cast, albeit in cameo roles as that's all they could get through before the embarrassment/coke got the better of them.

So what is it exactly? Well, it's a two hour mess! You know how people talk about the idea that the makers of The Clangers were all high when they did it but of course they weren't because drugs wouldn't have led to such a great show? This is the results of actually being high and then making a TV show. A TWO HOUR TV show. The main story sees Han and Chewie attempt to make it back to the latter's home planet for "Life Day". Sadly we get to meet Chewie's family, which consist of his feminine version of him wife, frankly disturbing jaw dominated father and his son, Lumpy. He's meant to be cute...

They essentially act as a wraparound story for various bizarre sketches featuring lame comics from yesteryear, the band Jefferson Starship and Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls. Singing. Oh and a very bad little animation that appears to be the template for Droids and Ewoks that features Boba Fett and as such fans claim it's the only good thing in this. It's actually piss poor and goes absolutely nowhere. The love comes purely from all those sad SW fans who masturbate furiously over the bounty hunter. The whole special is, to put it simply, the most hellish thing ever made and as such Lucas has done his best to erase it from history.

But bootlegs still exist, and it is one of these that Mike, Kevin and Bill riff on. It's available to view in full or download on Google Video. Rather brilliantly the video also features very old 70's American commercials which they riff on as well. Sadly it isn't the version that is the source of one of South Park's most obscure references, the whole "fighting the frizzies" thing.









The Star Wars Holiday Special really is something you have to see, whether a fan of the films or not. Be warned though, if you are it may shake your faith. It stands as proof that Lucas really couldn't be trusted and the only reason the original trilogy didn'nt suck hard was because others directed Empire and Jedi. Watching it without the Rifftrax may lead to mental scarring though so make sure you pop over to their site and download it. It's one of their funniest efforts, and even though the thing they're riffing on gives them a lot to work with it must have been hell watching this over and over again.

Seriously make this one of the comedy highlights of your Yuletide. Much better than a My Family Xmas Special anyway.



A Visit To Santa

A Visit to Satan more like. In this little short from Rifftrax that appears to be the closest we'll ever come to "A David Lynch Christmas" we see suicidal elves, toys without souls and a murderous Santa who lives in Pasadena and uses a magic helicopter and a rocket to get about on account of all the shopping centres he must visit. The music is enough to chill you to the bone.



Christmas Toyshop

Another nightmarish hell vision boiled down into ten minutes of Xmas "cheer" that will have your kids fearing and loathing you in equal measures this yuletide. In it a ghostly elf being uses magic dust to keep some kids asleep while their ex-Stooge of a father attempts to set up the tree and gifts. The powder brings on a hallucination in which the real Santa, also a bumbling twonk of a man, recants a tale to the kids told through the wondrous tool of shoddy animation. In it a be-top-hatted spider/dog kidnaps a Little Miss Muffit doll and a bunch of toy soldiers murder it by throwing it off a shelf so that all of its limbs break off. The kids are unfazed by this and look forward to Christmas morning anyway. Your kids may not be so unshakable.



Christmas Rhapsody

This year's Rifftrax Xmas short sees us narrated at by an insignificant fir tree. Oh how he goes on about how rubbish he is. Then some forresters come with saws and I think you can guess the ending...




Cinematic Titanic

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (yes they redone it as if the first time wasn't painful enough)



That's right, you can sit through Santa's obliteration of an extraterrestrial people once again! And now there's extra scenes!

Alright he doesn't kill anyone, although Droppo should have been smothered in his bloody sleep. The film's the exact same, only more so, but the riffs are all new and might even be slightly stronger than the original MST ones. There's only one sketch and it's merely humourous but that doesn't matter. The CT way of riffing is different enough from the MST way that it's well worth watching both for Christmas.

Just don't blame me if the movie disintegrates your eyeballs.

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Nineteen Is.........

Bubbles



Bit of Canadian Christmas telly here, an episode of the Trailer Park Boys for you all to enjoy as we step inside the final week before the big day.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 18

Right, how do you top Santa With Muscles and Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny? By switching to his Elves of course. Elves is one of those glorious straight to video late 80's films that you just have to see. It's utter rubbish but in a maniacally genius sort of way. Within the first twenty minutes we've seen Art Deco boobs, a cat's death at the hands of a toilet and a coked up Santa being murdered through the balls:



Basically the Nazis have created elves as the perfect soldiers and if one of them can get it on with a virgin of Nazi lineage on Xmas Eve he can sire the Anti-Christ. As they say the line between madness and genius...

Oh and the bible describes how elves are real:



This may be the perfect Xmas movie. Obviously I'm saying that through the perspective of the "Bah Humbug" filter. There's something for everyone (to hate), be it incest, elfin rape or corpse nibbling.

Show this movie to anyone and they won't only leave you alone for the festive period. They'll never talk to you again.

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Seventeen Is.........

Lovejoy



What a turn around. I mean maybe Ian McShane had some sort of awesome career before the lamefest that was Lovejoy and it was just a return to form but I dont know right or wrong if that is true so basically im thinking that its a great turnaround in fortunes for the man that played an antique dealer on Sunday night BBC telly in the 1990s to become a guy who played a great American TV antihero of the last decade and also the star of a fair few pretty awesome films on both sides of the Atlantic.

That was a long long sentence which no doubt is replete with mistakes in spelling and punctuation. Sorry.

So as the time ticks down on this year its time to look forward to what could be the first great film you see next year. 44 Inch Chest. Due out midway through January in the UK its a British gangster film written by the writers of Sexy Beast. No further information is really needed. Except to say it also stars Mssrs Winstone, Hurt and Wilkinson.

Someone, has came up with a rather excellent trailer for this, it may be a bootleg, it may be official but it ties in rather nicely with our advent theme. Enjoy.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 16

Christmas Albums (or how I learned to stop worrying and dismiss Bob Dylan's festive pap-athon)

The Bob Dylan Christmas album, Christmas In The Heart is shite. There I said it you sycophants. It's bloody rubbish. And yet all those "hardcore" Dylan fans love it saying it's like brilliant and stuff. It's, like, so not. These same people are probably responsible for the five star Amazon reviews of albums like Empire Burlesque and Down In The Groove.

But I own all the Dylan albums, including those bad 80's ones. I've even got the Christian ones which may even be worse. As such the completest, read bloody idiot, in me made me buy this. So let's have a gander:



Now I know what you're thinking after watching that and the answer is yes, he's done a lot of drugs in his time. Must Be Santa is the sort of song that makes you cry out "what the bloody hell is this?" it's so bad. And yet that's probably what makes it somewhat enjoyable as well. It's fucking mental and that alone makes it a better Xmas song than most you'll hear blaring out in Sainsburys this year.

Musically the album's actually quite good thanks to Dylan's fantastic backing band that have been a major reason his recent output has sounded so rich. The problem is Dylan himself. Not because like when you see him live he's a curmudgeonly old git, no he's clearly having a bawl. It's his voice. It was always akin to a goose being raped whilst dragged through a foghorn bush or whatever that saying is but as he's continued to not die it has become exceptionally nasally and crackly. That works fine on his own stuff but here he sounds like an old jakey staggering through the freezing fog singing popular carols in an attempt to raise the cash for a bottle of wine so he can celebrate Xmas properly. It's not really what you want at Christmas is it? Unless you're an ex-pat pining for a Scottish Yuletide, the local winos not quite living up to your expectations. Then this album is for you.

I'm not going to criticise the decision of Dylan to finally cash in on this time of year. Virtually everyone else has so why not Bob? Bare in mind this is the guy who put out a £90 version of his last Bootleg Tapes set with an exclusive CD of material only found in that box. It's not a shock on other words. The simple fact is that the album isn't very good but it is a bit of fun. Nobody involved is taking it seriously, apart maybe from Mr. Zimmerman's accountant, as this photo from the inside sleeve suggests:



They're faces seem to be saying "are we really doing this?" Why yes, yes you are. Merry Commercial Christmas Bob Dylan's backing band.

If you want an Xmas record that doesn't get played to death in the supermarkets, yet is also brilliant and heartfelt check out Low's Christmas. It's downbeat, sparse and bloody beautiful. Opener Just Like Christmas is one of the finest Xmas songs ever and their version of Blue Christmas should be considered the definitive one.



What better way to mark the tenth anniversary of this remarkable wee record than picking it up?

If Low floats your boat then you're a misery guts just like me. Check this out then, the saddest Xmas song ever, Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis by Tom Waits:


(This is a live version with a bit of Silent Night at the start)

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Fifteen Is.........

Ross Geller



The show Friends is a bit of a behemouth really, it was huge for a time and still gets plenty of people watching it if it is on. its one of those great shows that can be watched out of sequence easily. Its maybe the best background white noise ever. Over the course of its ten (?) seasons (series'!!!!!!!!!!) the characters evolved but mostly devolved. Watching now its all over its sad how retarded Joey got, Phoebe got really irritating, Monica too. But Ross, good old Ross got better and better for some reason. Agree?

But enough of a Friends retrspective, advent calendar is about Christmas so here in three parts is the best Friends christmas episode from the last decade. Still funny. In fact there was a guy i worked with who had almost memorised the three way exchange of Ross, Chandler and Joey dressed up. This may sound pathetic but its surprising how relaxing and soothing it can be to hear Friends regurgitated in the basement workplace.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 14

On with another Xmas film your family should hate you for this holiday, the subject of a Splice Live Tweet-a-thon or whatever, Hulk Hogan's Santa With Muscles:



If you're of a certain vintage the Hulkster will be something of a hero to you. On the wrestling he used to bash the bad guys and go mental in interviews so as a kid you loved him. And as such you then dragged your parents to see movies starring him. That meant those poor sods sitting through Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny. They'd be thankful then that the third of this unholy triumvirate, Santa With Muscles, never made it to these shores.

But what about now? I have to admit to slightly enjoying watching this, but it seems that was a result of the nostalgia it thrust into my mind area rather than any quality on show. It reminded me of those trips to the pictures when I was a wee kid.

Sadly your parents may react the same way. Where you're looking for them to run screaming in horror at the idea of another Hulk kids movie they may get all fuzzy remembering you as a wee tubby munchkin spilling your popcorn and getting your face covered in ice cream.

The kids'll hate it though. Because kids just aren't that stupid. And by stupid I mean they're not old enough to wallow in nostalgia yet.

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Thirteen Is.........

James Cameron



So this time next week we will know if Avatar is all its cracked up to be. Some critics have seen it, not these critics mind you, but I personally havent read them, I think I will try go with an open mind.

Is it really is make or break for Hollywood with this whole 3D thing? A few films have came out over the last year or so with mixed reviews. I think everything has been geared up for this release. If this flops badly it could set Hollywood back a mile, all studios will have a slew of 3D films to release no doubt and they could all get canned if Avatar kills it off in one messy weekend!

We wait with baited breathe.

I tend to think 3D is just a gimmick, i think it offers nothing to the cinema experience, if you notice and enjoy the 3D effect then the film obviously isnt drawing you in enough, and if you dont notice it because the film is so well made and enthralling then whats the point of having it in 3D? Am i wrong?

Could it be that 3D is just a tool to try drive down the pirating trade and the internet downloading craze and put folks back into the cinemas? That may be just cynical.

As i say, this time next week we will have a better idea what the Holywood horizon will look like, but here is a video leaked to the Splice offices that may shed some light on Camerons hopes and dreams for his return to the big screen.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 12

If offensive language offends you on account of it being offensive then seriously, don't watch this!

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Eleven Is.........

Frasier Crane



Since the decade is counting down i have decided to pick out some of the best Christmas TV episodes of the last 10 years. How cheesy!

First up is a Season 8 Episode of Frasier,entitled Mary Christmas which was on our tellys way back at the beginning of the decade.

Santa With Muscles Live Viewing

Yeah we're watching this on Youtube at 10pm UK time:



We're going to have a live Twitter session and if you're a mate with either of us on Facebook we're going to create a wall post there too. Come join us in watching Hulk Hogan as a bearded basher of bad guys in Santa With Muscles. The entire film in ten parts can be found here.

Join us!

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 10

Right, let's bang these inappropriate Xmas films up a notch with a kids film so abysmal that if you show it to your own tykes they'll stab you in the face, one of the worst films ever made, Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny:


(That's the whole damn movie in ten parts if you're brave enough to attempt to watch it!)

Now many films claim to be the worst ever made. Alright, they don't claim it, but those who have had the misfortune of having seen them do. Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny is a fair shout for the title though. It's easily up there (or is that down?) with films like Manos: The Hands Of Fate, The Creeping Terror, Monster-A-Go-Go, the Coleman Francis Trilogy, Maniac or Batman And Robin. It makes the most famous claimants to the title, Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Room, look like coherent, well made works.

It really is a fucking mess. Two movies spliced together to make one it sees Santa get stuck in Florida and so after twenty minutes of pissing about with animals and kids, yeah, really, he decides to give up with the escape and tell the kids trying to help him the story of Thumbelina. Said story is another poorly made film from a few years previously that's also a musical. Of course that raises the question; is Santa singing to the kids as he recants the tale? Anyway this Thumbelina's not so tiny in a certain chest department and that's really all there is to say.

Just as your head's ready to implode Santa finishes his tale and the titular Ice Cream Bunny, a mangy suit with a twat inside, turns up and doesn't give out ice cream, he just freaks everyone out. Oh and there's loads of footage of Pirate World, the theme park it was shot in just to pad the thing out to over ninety minutes. That's right it only actually lasts an hour and a half, no matter how long it seemed to last.

Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny really has to be seen to be believed but should never be viewed by anyone. Just continue not to believe me. It will most certainly scare your family so they leave you alone this Christmas but you might not be able to live with yourself for having exposed them to this. It's your call.

Splice Advent Calendar 2009: And Behind Door Number Nine Is.........

Terry Gene Bolea



Yes, like Maurice Mickelwhite, he is known in acting circles by another name, yes its Hulk Hogan.

And the photo is actually the front cover of his new book which he is peddling like a madman at the moment to get some sales for Christmas. One such plugging session actually takes palce today and of you go to www.edge.ca and go listen live arounf 3pm UK time (8am ET) you should hear his appearance on the Dean Blundell breakfast show. Its a pretty good show actually, except for all the adverts. Those guys are close to the bone and should give Hogan a roasting.

But also......

This wee present in the splice advent calendar is just to give any readers a little heads up for the simul-watch-atweet-book (copyrighted by my good self) event that we are hoping to pull off on Thursday night. around 10pm that night we will attempt to watch Hulk Hogans effort in the Christmas Movie canon Santa With Muscles. The plan is for us all to start watching at the same time and and add tweets or post thoughts on a facebook wall post (whichever is your social networking poison) and have a bit of banter back and forth about it.

Oh and if your thinking "oh no, i really really really want to do this but i havent a copy of the movie" fear not. its all available on you tube in easy to swallow small chunks.

More info on what to tweet to and also where to post your facebook comments (you may have to become a facebook buddy of Big Red to do so) will come tomorrow in the splice advent calendar as well as links to the movie. Hopefully it goes well. Heres a trailer to whet the appettite.



Oh yeah, did i mention that it looks utter garbage?

And, Maurice Mickelwhite is Michael Caine. Shame on anyone who didnt know.

Splice Advent Calender 2009: Day 8

The trailer for a Scottish Christmas film: