More than two weeks after the event but Splice still delivers. Like former NBA star Karl "the mailman" Malone we always deliver. Except like the regular mail service, were always late.From the sycophants conducting mind numbing interviews on the red carpet all the way through to self congratulatory Hooray for Hollywood playing as the end credits of the TV broadcast I sat watching the Oscars this year. This is my first time watching the Oscars live and in colour. This is my story.
Lets start at the beginning, the Red Carpet procession, I had planned on watching it and commenting fully however it really was the most vapid 90 minutes of television i have ever seen. So instead i made and ate my dinner through it and settled down at 8pm (Toronto time) for the awards and what do you know, its still red carpet stuff for another half hour. I will just use this time to set the scene inside my head while i await the big kick off. Got my picks all made out as you may have read on this blog, made the mrs pick winners also as competition always makes things more interesting. Its raining in Hollywood so the red carpet has a big canopy overhead, saw a clip of George Clooney going to see the fans who are behind a high barrier fence and also a little moat type thing and another great big barrier fence, which makes you wonder the point of the whole red carpet thing if noone can really see them? Surely a car dropping them off at the door would suffice, but then its pomp and can easily fill 2 hours of broadcasters schedules so thats fine.
I have probably wrote this on this blog somehwere else and probably a good few times but my Dad has been to California and seen where the Oscars are held and he assures me that they have to walk through a shopping centre to get to the Kodak Theatre, he says they just cover up all the shops so it looks like a corridor kind of, but behind it is regualar shops. I dont know if thats the truth but I tend to believe him because i think its a good story. This is actually, like the Golden Globes, my first time watching the Oscars in live real time, so I am looking forward to it. You know its good when the abc interviewers stop the Hollywood elite for one of their inane interviews and actor or actress has their non famous wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend on their arms and they just stand there saying nothing, looking around. Its quite funny i think. Jeremy Renner has his mum (or should i say mom) with him, how sweet. But away from the non-celeb other halfs its one with the famous partners i feel sorry for (the partners i mean) take Matthew Broderick for example, (he is a movie star man!) but he is here basically as the partner of SJP and the muppets doing the interviewers only want to talk about what she is wearing or what the new Sex and the City movie will be about, even though they know she wont drop any info. So, so stupid. Poor Matthew.
Oh this just in, my eyes are on fire as Penelope Cruz is on TV being interviewed and she is smoking! (not in a cigarette in her mouth sort of way, more like the Jim Carrey film the mask SMMMOKING! kind of way)
It begins.
and all the nominees for the best actor and actress awards have came out and are lined up in a boy girl, boy girl, boy girl, boy girl, boy the thing from Precious formation, taking the applause of the attending audience. Then they are taken away by some models to their seats and Neil Patrick Harris starts singing some sort of show tune abou the main contenders, its very strange. Once this has finished our hosts arrive on stage. I have been looking forward to seeing how the two funny men handle the hosting. So we have Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin roasting the famous actors and directors in the audience, some of its funny, some of it (like the putting on 3D glasses to speak to Cameron) is obvious and pretty dull. They also repeatedly go back to Clooney who doesnt look to impressed, I have a feeling that it is all a put on, his sullen face as they try to rip it out him but really it just looks weird. Thankfully this all doesnt last too long and were into the business of giving out awards.
First up and straight into it is Best Supporting Actor and unlike the GG's there is clips. I love a good clip, Penelope Cruz is presenting as well too and I think I have a good chance of my prediction sweep getting off to a good start as Christoph Waltz is pretty much stuck on to win after collectin the other big supporting gongs. However watching the clips i like the look of Woody Harrlesons performance and might look into seeing his movie. I like Woody. But Waltz wins as expected and the sweep begins with a winner. Red for reasons known only to himself picked Stanley Tucci?!?
After Waltz' speech Ryan Reynold comes out and introduces The Blind Side as its nominated for best film. I guess they will all get this honour though not always by Ryan Reynolds. My guess is that The Proposal is the connection as he costarred with The Blind Side's Sandra Bullock in it. Wonder if all the connections will be this easy or will i have to make them up?
After the break Cameron Diaz is having problems with the teleprmopter, or is she? Or is it a bad joke? I dont know and I dont have time to think about it because the best animated feature has clips too and their specially made talking head of characters in the film talking like there talking to the big fat woman who was on Big Brother but now interviews film stars on This Morning with the movie poster in the background. All very cool. Up! wins. No surprise there and I would say pretty much forget about it winning best film.
Miley Cyrus and Amanda Siedfreid are presenting best song. I have my girlfriend sitting with me watching the show and she is passing comment on the looks at the Oscars this year for me. She says Cyrus looks square, not much i can add to that i dont think as im not exactly sure what it means. The Song from Crazy Heart wins. I had that in the sweep too, and Up! meaning im three for three and this is looking like a landslide victory for me. In his speech the Ryan Bingham chap who won alongside the awesomely named T-Bone Burnett says that he loves his girl more than rainbows. Nice line man.
District 9 is presented by Chris Pine, easy link here. New Sci Fi movie gets connected to the new franchise player in sci fi. Captain James Tiberius Kirk from the awesome Star Trek.
Best Original Screenplay next and its presented by Tina Fey and Robert Downey Junior who is hilarious and calls writers little mole people. Gid shit. The clips are also good as the scenes chosen also have the script directions read too and the lines appear on the screen like subtitles only in the correct scriptwriting font. Not that i like to complain but the description read out is a lot more in depth than how i was taught to do it. Wouldnt have passed in Bob Coopers class Mr Tarantino! The Hurt Locker wins the prize and brings to an end my picking streak, i had put my backing behind Quentins reimagining of the second world war as folk talking a lot. Gutted, it was all going so well.
Ok, hold onto your hats but Molly Ringwald is at the Oscars! Who let her in? Security! But its alright, she is here to talk about the late John Hughes and is on stage with another Hughes alum Matthew Broderick (who exudes confidence when not beside SJP i should say) The say a few words then theres a Hughes movie montage which rocks.
And afterward, holy crap its a bunch of almost forgotten names from the old crew. Judd Nelson, Macauley Culkin, Anthony Michael Hall (who must have had a head transplant cos i dont recognise him at all from what he used to look like) Jon Cryer and Ally Sheedy. The Breakfast Club is one of the best films ever made, I just want to say that at this juncture.
Samuel L Jackson is presenting Up! in the best film thing that happens before every break. I really dont see the connection and cant even come up with something off the cuff. I am conpletely confused. During the ad break i just mentioned was a showing of one of the films nominated for best short film. The Heart its called and its in conjucntion with a butter brand over in Canada who are sponsoring the telecast so thats why its shown. Sadly i wasnt paying attention and only knew it had been on when it was finished.
Back at the Oscars however animated short is being presented by Zoe Saldana and Carey Mulligan, I have the Wallace and Gromit entry in the sweep but it was a complete guess but watching the clips i wish i had done some research into it because Logorama looks absolutely awesome, i would have picked that in a heartbeat. It wins as well too! If it comes down to a draw i think i might claim that as an almost and win the sweep by half a point. Turns out Zoe and Carey (like i know them) are doing all the short film prizes, so short doco and short live action are next. Music Br Prudence wins the doco award and i have enver heard of it or the titualar Prudence. The director looks as if he is going to say something profound but some big heavy white woman upstages him and hogs the mic. The new Tenants wins best live action and completes a big fat zero for me in the sweep as regards the short catagories. Bit if a shame that as they are always good for picking up a wee sneaky one based on your picking for the weirdest name alone. The girl and I both agree that Zoe Saldana is smoking hot but the mrs doesnt like her dress. Im not overly enamoured either but who am i to judge as im sat at home watching it in 6 year old Killie Shorts and bare feet.
Ben Stiller comes out dressed as a character from Avatar to present the award for Best make up. What is that all about? It keeps me in mind when Conan O'Brian still ahd the tonight Show and Avatar was almost due out in cinemas, Ben Stiller was on the show promoting it even though he isnt in it. So to see him here tonight seeimingly still bigging it up by doing this seems weird to me. The clips show that my pick (Young Victoria) looks mince in comparison to the other two nominees as in my pick there hardly seems to be any make up on. What a duff pick. Star Trek wins which Red picked out. Think were even stevens now and that makes me nervous. The folks who pick up the award announce that there is a back stage thank you cam, that must be why all the speeches are as short, and maybe why the Music by Prudence director didnt knock the big white lady out for stealing his thunder. If it was on ITV then there would be Ben Sheppard backstage on that cam on ITV2 so if you wanted to see that you could flick over.
Jeff Bridges promos A Serious Man, surely its not because he is a serious man? Is it? Its a break and time for another beer i think.
The Oscars returns with best adapted screenplay which uses the same gimmick with the clips as the original screenplay but its lost its magic second time round. The clip for In The Loop doesnt feature a scene with Peter Capaldi which is a major poor show, the man is an Oscar Winner after all. Precious wins the gong, well done but also boooo! My beloved Up in the Air looks like it may well go home empty handed and that makes me sad and judging by his reaction in the crowd jason reitman is thinking the same thing and he looks sad. Wish i could just wrap my arms round my pals, those reitman folks, and tell them its all ok. th winning speech is pretty good though as the recipiant is genuine as anything and seems overawed and stumbles a bit. Steve Martin on his return to the podium afterward shows what a good host does by adlibbing a great line about how he wrote the speech. Very funny.
Ok next up you will have to bear with me as i was unsure of what was actually going on. See its the Honourary award of sorts and Lauren Bacall and Roger Corman are getting a clap just for being there it would seen. Or did they win it? It seems it was a Governers Award but its over now and I dont know exactly what happened. its a good jolt to the system though and i will need to not daydream if i am to keep this up.
The next award is one of the biggies again, Best Supporting Actress and Robin Williams presents it to Mo'Nique. It was a hot favourite just like Christoph Waltz. In fact both winners of the supporting gongs were first time nominees. Thats porobably been done before but it strikes me then and there that that has jsut happened and if it strikes me then it goes in here. Mo'Nique has like Waltz won a fair few awards for this role so I wonder how she still manages to sound so profound when talking about her husband. He must have heard it a hundred times and yes it will be nice but maybe by now its a bit embarrassing for him. Well done to her though.
Colin Firth present An Education. The link here must be that he is the high profile brit in the audience, though Helen Mirren could easily have taken that role. maybe its a link to the fact that The Education is written by Nick Hornby who wrote the book Fever Pitch which Firth had the lead role. If thats the kind of insight then maybe Sam Jackson did up because he was in The Incredibles and no one wants to see Craig T Nelson on the oscar stage.
After the break Sigourney Weaver reads the art direction noms then awards Avatar the gong. I had that one in the sweep too and because of this i am not questioning it but if i didnt i would want to see inside the envelope, Weaver had been pretty defiant in her support of Avatar on the red carpet, her line was "i am wearing red but have blue in my heart" or words to that effect. Lame if you ask me. having picked Mo'Nique and now this right it stops the rot of my going over an hour without another tally mark on my way to the Mars bar title. Im back in the game. Next is best costumes and I think i am well in with my choice of Coco Before Chanel but the award goes to Young Victoria and it seems i back Young Vic in the wrong race. Another fact that never came into my thoughts was who is actually doing the costumes as some research would show that the designer for Young Victoria is actaully a 3 time winner in the field. He speech sucked though i thought.
Charlize Theron promotes Precious for no reason I can think of but reminds me of the day she helped with the World Cup draw since she is from the host country South Africa and also reminded me of a terrible joke a friend told me that was that he considers her his favourite african-american actress.
Ok so they bring out the horror stars de jour to introduce the Academy Awards tribute to 80 years of horror movies with a smashing montage, which i have thrown in below but apologise for the quality.
Me being a total horror film pussy i dont recognise too many fo teh films in the montage, i do however recognise a young (big nosed) Jennifer Aniston in Leprichaun though which i know she was in because its mentioned frequently in different things much like the george Clooney Attack of the Killer Tomatoes reference. However it does lead the question: Leprechaun, at the Oscars?
So Zac Efron takes the stage with Anna Kendrick to presnet the award for best sound design and instead of clips Morgan Freedman provides a voiceover on a video peice explaining exactly what sound design is using last years winner The Dark Knight as an example, a nice touch, go Oscars! The Hurt Locker wins and it also wins sound mixing as both awrds are handed out one after the other. After this sound fest Elizabeth Banks gives a shout out to the sci tech awards which is part of the oscars, but the part where no really famous folk win and is on for ages so they get presented at their own night which doesnt get on tv and has already been and only gets lip service here becuase who really cares! (sharp intake of breath)
John Travolta presents Inglourious Basterds as a Best Picture hopeful and the link is obviously Pulp Fiction, but what catches me more is the announcer saying that coming up is something which sounds eerily like the cast of Glee are coming on, it shouldnt be as this is movies not tv but still i am worried. Please dont let it be. When the awards come back on Avatar picks up best cinematography.
Demi Moore looks good for her age, i just want to say that and she is here to do this years obituaries. James Taylor sings as a video of the stars departed in the past year appear or the screen led by Patrick Swayze. Watching the names and faces appear i realise i dont know many however some i do know i didnt realise were dead. Ron Silver for example, did not know. RIP them all.
Ok Sam Worthington comes out wearing a pair of Harry Palmers glasses to introduce the nominees of the best score Oscar, instead of short clips of the music over VT there is a dance troupe doing some expressive dancing like the kind that turn up on Britains got Talent every year. This is what i thought might be Glee, glad its not. Up! wins and I am happy as i Picked that however it wasnt the best dance in my opinion. Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are out to give away an award, Visual Effects which has Avatar written all over it and so it comes to pass. Dunno how many awards that is now that Jim Camerons film has won but its a fair few.
Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air and i am reminded how much i love Up in the Air and how sad it is that it has been snubbed so far. Jason Bateman is in Up in the Air and also Juno which was the directors previous film, but not thank you for smoking. JK Simmons should have read for it. He is the John Ratzenburger of the Reitman ouvre. In fact why didnt Cliff Claven get to do Up! rather than Shaft.
Matt Damon (Matt Damon!) is on stage to present Best Documentary. One of the nominations (not the one i picked) is called The Cove and its made by someone and Fisher Stevens and makes me think; i wonder if that Fisher Stevens of Short Circuit fame, i doubt it but it would be good if it was, it is weird that that is what popped into my head. So The Cove wins and you could knock me over with a feather as this Fisher Stevens is the same guy i thought he was. Wow! Johnny 5 is alive! Thats amazing, well done that man.
Tyler Perry is a guy thats pretty famous in a small way over in America but as a Brit i havent really a clue where he is, i see his DVDs in shops, usually Tyler Perry's then the title kind of like National Lampoons prefix, his films arent going to troube the academy when it comes to dishing out awards though and he knows it. Thats why when he seems so happy to have his name read out at the Oscars he instantly becomes a good guy in my eyes. Dont think I will try see any of his films though, they look terrible. He is out to present best editing and The Hurt Locker takes the prize.
So Keanu Reeves is presenting The Hurt Locker in the pre ad break best film thingy. My movie senses say that this is due to the fact that he played Johnny Utah in Hurt Locker director Katherine Bigelow's Point Break. i am not even going to check the validity of that statement, I am just gona go with it. After the break it seems were down to the final four plus Best foreign language film, which is up now. Its been a good night i think, I have enjoyed it. No real surprises i suppose but maybe the final four will be jam packed with them. With myself and Red having different ideas on all five its really make or break for the Mars bar.
As i say though, Best foreing language film first and Tarnatino and Almodovar are up to bat as presenters. This is actaully a favourite award of mine, you always get some gems which catch the eye. I feel in some way emotionally bound to this years award as i have actaully seen one of teh nominees already. I saw The Secret in their Eyes at the Toronto Film Festival and i thought it was fantastic but also in the running is White Ribbon which has won other awards and is in black and white which is catnip for academy voters. But the name our presenters read is The Secret in their Eyes and i am over the moon, flushed with genuine happiness and pride. Well done, it will be remade in the US soon, mark my words.
Kathy Bates presents Avatar. I have no ideas what so ever.
Ok this is neat, some actor type folks who have worked with the nominees for best actor are sharing a wee anecdote of sorts witht their ex co-star or wahtever they may be. Michelle Pfeiffer (what a really stupid name to type) is talking Fabulous Baker Boys about Jeff Bridges. Vera Fermiga is giving kudos to Clooney from their time on the role he is nomintated for, Up in the Air. Got ma fingers crossed for you George, do it man. But then I have already picked Morgan Freedman in the sweep which is a bit of a long shot maybe, so I will stop my Clooney cheering and stick with the gameplan. Julianne Moore is talking Colin Firth since they starred together in his nominated film. Wish they had pushed the boat out for Ruth Gemmill from Fever Pitch though, in my mind the whole Oscars should be just a retrospective on that particualr piece of film art, I mean thats the second reference i have made. Morgan Freedmans turn now and Andy Dufrense is up giving it Shawshank and stuff. Tim Robbins is a cool guy. Finally Colin Farrell is talking Jeremy Renner as they worked together in SWAT! SWAT? Good grief they could have used Fever Pitch references if SWAT is getting a mention. Farrell says man an awful lot, as much as me actually, though its probably fine for me to have a propensity to say it as im pretty safe from talking at the Oscars but him? He also calls him brother in true Tommy Sheridan manner. Awesome.
Kate Winslet as last years actress winner is presenting and it goes to....Jeff Bridges. Well done that man, cant really grumble too much. The man does good work. Its his first Oscar win as well too. The dude abides. Just noticed that its now half eleven meaning this has well overun. Bridges speech though is wonderful and befits the man.
Actress award follows the same format of nice little anecdote for them all. Forrest Whittaker bigs up Sandra Bullock's acting chops from the time he directed her in Hope Floats. Michael Sheen is telling of Helen Mirrens role as the Queen in The Queen when he played Tony Blair. Cant help bu think Charlie from Casualty would have been a nice option to have excised and he could have waxed lyrical of working with Mirren on Long Good Friday. Michael Sheen seemed to easy in comparison. Think it is Peter Sarsgard talking about Carey Mulligan though i have no idea what about. Oprah Winfrey (Bloody Oprah) is chatting about the big lassie from Precious saying she is gorgeous and such stuff and i am thinking hmmmmm, do people really think that because I am not seeing it. Finally Stanley Tucci is talking Meryl Streep because they have been in two films together, Julie and Julia is the only one i can think of though. When he is finished Sean Penn comes out to give out the award. he blethers some rubbish about not acknowledging something or other and to me comes across as a bit of a dick but no matter he awards the Oscar to...Sandra Bullock.
I predicted a teary speech but it isnt at all, she is really rather witty in fact. It has just struck me how close the audience (who are movie stars and not the plebs which might explain what i am about to write) are to the actual stage. its a mere few steps up. Bizzare. Bullock almost tears up but settles for a lump in her throat as she finishes what is a great speech. I had Meryl Streep who incidentally shares my birthdate. Useless information is still information.
best Director now as we reach penultimate award. Barbera Streisand is giving away the award. i picked James Cameron to cover the bases though i dont want him to win. I want Tarantino because I like him and his films and want him to have one though i dont think Basterds is his best work though so its a hard choice. Then the winner is announced and its a woman! The first woman to win a best director Oscar. In a historical context that is cool, in a sweep context it sucks for me because it looks liked im toast. But we move on to best filma nd even though i am sure i have been beat in the sweep i would liekt o take a moral victory in the last category.
So I did some reading up in the week prior to the Awards about the new voting process which is accompanying the new 10 nominations. Its more of a grading system which will eventaully produce a winner when one film gets more than 50% of the votes (i think) essentially it may se a well regarded film beat out the film who had the most votes orginally. Soon we will find out. Tom Hanks is doing the honours. So its over to you Tom, bring us home!
The Hurt Locker! well my initial reaction is get it up ye to Jim Cameron who i am sure must have thought he would romp to victory. But then why am i getting to wound up, it means nothing to me in the long run. a sound thrashing at the hands of Red and a mars bar winging its way to his house yet again. Think I will rent out this Hurt Locker film, see if its any cop. Stev Martin and Alec baldwin are back on stage to wrap it up, they really didnt do a great deal over all though. Horray for Hollywood plays as as the credits roll and another year of rich people slapping each other on the back is over, it was good. I had a blast.
Thanks for reading.
