More Horror Remakes

Splice can exclusively reveal that plans are afoot to remake the recent remake of cult horror film My Bloody Valentine, My Bloody Valentine 3D. My Bloody Valentine 3D: The Next Generation is being described by insiders as "revolutionary" and "a whole new way of doing horror". Said one source, "this will blow the whole 3D thing out of the blood soaked water and show audiences things they can only imagine".

This isn't an idle boast, rather a description of the exact process that My Bloody Valentine 3D: The Next Generation will employ to have it's audience fill their pants with fear. This will entail the film trundling through all non-killing scenes as normal, in fact they're the exact same scenes as in My Bloody Valentine 3D helping the film to be produced cheaply and quickly, until one of those murderisations comes along. At this point a title card will appear on screen requesting that the audience members imagine a brutal scene that sickens and terrifies them. "Nothing that we can come up with can compete with the recesses of the audience members' own minds" said the insider, "seriously, people are sick. If the worst thing you can imagine is a Nazi clown tearing a big titted blonde's head off then skinning that head and using the skin as a sick bag because he's suffering from a nasty bug that's going about then that's how the murder goes down". The benefits move beyond how cheap and quick this will be to produce as these films won't fall foul of the censors thanks to the actual content not being onscreen. it also means that the film is only ever as extreme as you want it to get.

And if this all sounds like an exercise in Hollywood asking for you to pay for content that they then expect you to provide then don't worry. "We've catered for these sourpuss' as well." At certain times during the movie a glow-in-the-dark version of the popular hero/murderer from My Bloody Valentine, My Bloody Valentine 3D and My Bloody Valentine 3D: The Next Generation, That Bloke With The Gas Mask On, will rise from a box at the back of the theatre and swoop over the audience's heads. This step is hoped to satiate those with little imagination with the frights they crave. "Hey, it's not an original idea, but how often do we deal in those?"