We'll dive right in with the big awards because at the Spliceys they're the boring ones you want to get done first, kind of like the technical ones at the Oscars.
Film of the Year: There Will Be Blood
Two films in 2008 means that the Coens are shoe ins for the Splice Award of best Director of 2008. Its not the fact that they are genuine heroes of Splice or even the fact that they had two films out that gets it, its the fact that they had two films out and both are fantastic peices of cinema, the actors may have changed but the genius remains the same.
Best Horror: The Orphanage
Not a horror per se but rather a wonderfully told ghost story with the old "it may all be in their heads" angle. Another gem from the Spanish who seem to shit this stuff out on a regular basis.
Best Comedy: In Bruges
Offensive, silly, hilarious, gripping and bloody clever. More award winning play writes should make the transition to cinema.
Best Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Superhero: The Dark Knight
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Best movie ever...Heath Ledger...stupid voice...Imax...whatever. The Dark Knight's still one helluva film no matter what.
Best Acting (to keep Ferne Britton happy there will be no gender split in the acting awards in case she cries like a wee girl): Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Actress (apparently Ferne Britton doesn't give a toss): Elizabeth Banks, Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Elizabeth Banks is great. How great? Well she managed to pull herself through Meet Dave without killing all the respect that starring in Slither and shoving a shower head up her fud in 40 year Old Virgin had brought her in this neck of the woods. In Zack And Miri she is not only adorable to look at but also manages to convince us that a woman like her would do a guy like Seth Rogen, willingly. So that's Elizabeth Banks, giving ugly guys hope that they can ride a bird that looks like Elizabeth Banks.
Best Film Poster: Zack and Miri Make A Porno
A picture speaks a thousand words and this one says everything that is wrong with our PC obsessed world.
Telly Bit
The Best Shows
Dexter: Wonderfully dark stuff. Michael C. Hall is brilliant as the serial killer you love to cheer on. American comic drama at its best.
The Office: The American remake of a classic British sitcom that works, to the level that it's debatable which one's better. Season 4 had seen the show slip a bit but Season 5 saw it regain what made its early seasons so special. The funniest comedy on telly at the moment.
Lost: Another show that seemed to have lost its way only to come roaring back. Lost has been on an absolute tear in the run-up to its final season.
Reaper: A cracking little gem following a bloke who's parents have sold his soul to the devil. Fills that Buffy shaped hole quite well but probably won't last as long thanks to small viewing figures. That's a shame because it's pretty damn good.
Pretty much everything on BBC 4: Or the way BBC's terrestrial output and much of Channel 4 used to be before everything went to shit. Treasure it.
Previously Good Show That's Lost The Plot Big Time: Heroes
It's just an absolute mess now.
Discovery Of The Year:
Summer Heights High, and Chris Lilley in general. Australian gem of a comedy show.
Best Jesus Impersonation: Billy Mitchell, King Of Kong
Best Channel five Afternoon Film of the Year: Sherlock Holmes Returns
Its a TV movie of epic proportions.
Best Porn Name Kevin Smith Missed in Zack And Miri Make A Porno:
Most Almighty Mindfuck: JCVD
Best Product Placement:
Best Child Abuse Scene:
Steve Wiebe's taped attempt at the Donkey Kong score is interrupted by his kid:
So that's it, The 1st Annual Spliceys Awards are over. I say annual but we'll see if we can be arsed next year. They might just be the Every So Often When We Can Be Bothered Splicey Awards. So look out for 2009's edition sometime in 2010, or 2011! Goodnight!
I think it is fair to say that since it came in 2nd on Reds list and 4th on Ruud's list of the best films they/we saw in 2008 that Paul Thomas Anderson's film can be installed as the Splice Film of the Year. it narrowly beat of challenges from The Dark Knight, In Bruges and No Country for Old Men.
Best Director: The Coens
Best Director: The Coens
Two films in 2008 means that the Coens are shoe ins for the Splice Award of best Director of 2008. Its not the fact that they are genuine heroes of Splice or even the fact that they had two films out that gets it, its the fact that they had two films out and both are fantastic peices of cinema, the actors may have changed but the genius remains the same.Best Horror: The Orphanage
Not a horror per se but rather a wonderfully told ghost story with the old "it may all be in their heads" angle. Another gem from the Spanish who seem to shit this stuff out on a regular basis.
Best Comedy: In Bruges
Offensive, silly, hilarious, gripping and bloody clever. More award winning play writes should make the transition to cinema.
Best Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Superhero: The Dark Knight
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Best movie ever...Heath Ledger...stupid voice...Imax...whatever. The Dark Knight's still one helluva film no matter what.
Best Acting (to keep Ferne Britton happy there will be no gender split in the acting awards in case she cries like a wee girl): Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Actress (apparently Ferne Britton doesn't give a toss): Elizabeth Banks, Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Elizabeth Banks is great. How great? Well she managed to pull herself through Meet Dave without killing all the respect that starring in Slither and shoving a shower head up her fud in 40 year Old Virgin had brought her in this neck of the woods. In Zack And Miri she is not only adorable to look at but also manages to convince us that a woman like her would do a guy like Seth Rogen, willingly. So that's Elizabeth Banks, giving ugly guys hope that they can ride a bird that looks like Elizabeth Banks.
Best Film Poster: Zack and Miri Make A Porno
A picture speaks a thousand words and this one says everything that is wrong with our PC obsessed world.Telly Bit
The Best Shows
Dexter: Wonderfully dark stuff. Michael C. Hall is brilliant as the serial killer you love to cheer on. American comic drama at its best.
The Office: The American remake of a classic British sitcom that works, to the level that it's debatable which one's better. Season 4 had seen the show slip a bit but Season 5 saw it regain what made its early seasons so special. The funniest comedy on telly at the moment.
Lost: Another show that seemed to have lost its way only to come roaring back. Lost has been on an absolute tear in the run-up to its final season.
Reaper: A cracking little gem following a bloke who's parents have sold his soul to the devil. Fills that Buffy shaped hole quite well but probably won't last as long thanks to small viewing figures. That's a shame because it's pretty damn good.
Pretty much everything on BBC 4: Or the way BBC's terrestrial output and much of Channel 4 used to be before everything went to shit. Treasure it.
Previously Good Show That's Lost The Plot Big Time: Heroes
It's just an absolute mess now.
Discovery Of The Year:
Summer Heights High, and Chris Lilley in general. Australian gem of a comedy show.
Best Jesus Impersonation: Billy Mitchell, King Of Kong
Best Casting Of People You've Heard Of's Less Famous Siblings: Shark In Venice starring Vanessa Johansson (sister of Scarlett) and Stephen Baldwin (Brother of Alec Baldwin, William Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Jane Sasso, and Elizabeth Keuchler and cousin of Joseph Baldwin).
There may well be a film out in 08 with more second choice siblings but sure none as bad as this, dear readers we really feel this is a worthier winner.
Most Overblown Hype: Cloverfield and Jim Bond.
Best Channel five Afternoon Film of the Year: Sherlock Holmes Returns
Its a TV movie of epic proportions.
Best Porn Name Kevin Smith Missed in Zack And Miri Make A Porno:
Fellating Sarah Marshall (yes I'm suggesting she's a dude!)
Most Almighty Mindfuck: JCVD
Best Product Placement:
Tied first: Jim Bond's car, Jim Bond's watch, Jim Bond's scuba gear, Jim Bond's shark blinding laser pen etc. ad infinitum....
Best Child Abuse Scene:
Steve Wiebe's taped attempt at the Donkey Kong score is interrupted by his kid:
Best Cleavage: Jenna Fischer, Walk Hard.
It certainly made me "walk hard". See I was walking about...with an erection...get it?
Watch this video of Americans talking utter pish about her role but at no point mentioning her smashing tits.
Best Smug In A Good Way Performance: Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man.
They should bottle the smug dripping off of him in this film and sell it. Imagine having the essence of Downey about your body. Sorry this seems to have gone a tad gay all of a sudden.
AND FINALLY!
Splice Man Of The Year Award:
So that's it, The 1st Annual Spliceys Awards are over. I say annual but we'll see if we can be arsed next year. They might just be the Every So Often When We Can Be Bothered Splicey Awards. So look out for 2009's edition sometime in 2010, or 2011! Goodnight!
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