Indyan Summer (see what I did there?)

So Indiana Jones and the Mystical McGuffin of Somewhere or Other is upon us, and I for one am squitting my pants in excitement. So much so that I decided to geek out and watch the first three films back-to-back in one big Fedora wearing marathon of John Williams style bombastic glory.

How excited am I about Crystal Skull? This excited:


Yes I am that excited. The music, the beat up leather jacket, Harrison Ford's chin scar. It's left me so built up I feel like I'm going to burst like Belloq's head. So much so, in fact, that I'm now worried that Kingdom will let me down in a Young Indiana Jones sort of way.

Of course the good news is that George Lucas isn't acting alone on this, and by all accounts the script had to be so right that they were able to turn down nineteen years of alternative ones. Fingers crossed that Steven Spielberg and Ford have exerted enough creative influence that the man who rid the Star Wars franchise up the arse so much it collapsed in a bum rape influenced death many moons ago hasn't been able to do the same to this one. Spielberg has already spoken of only using CGI when necessary because the practical stuff not only looks better but is really the essence of the series. Let's hope that's the case, because as previously reported Lucas has been saying some alarming things recently about wanting to do more without consulting the other two. Funny as he was the one who didn't want to do a fourth for so long. Doubt it's the money, ahem.

Anyway, bugger the negativity and let's start looking forward to it. Popcorn for breakfast is the obvious highlight, but thanks to some obvious trends in the other three films here are my predictions of what to expect from Raiders of the Crystal Skull of Doom;

It'll open with a mountain
There that means I get at least one right!


There'll be some dodgy racial stereotypes
Just look at those "natives" in the trailers.


Creepy Crawlies
Watching back over the first three films brings the realisation that at some point there will be a room filled with icky creatures. Raiders has snakes, Doom has bugs and Crusade has rats.
So what will the horrid creature be in Crystal Skull? Personally I'm plumping for pigeons. Just imagine getting trapped in a room full of them, shit encrusting the walls, feathers getting into your underwear. Simply terrifying.

I could go on but let's be honest, we know what to expect in a lot of ways from this new Indy film. Part of the wonder of the series is the comfort you get from the storylines, while the set pieces are what bring the shock factor.



Ah the set pieces. Whether it's a mine cart, a tank or some bloke that's a bit nifty with a sword but forgot to wear a bullet proof vest, they're what make Indy great. Tell any naysayers, and if you do know someone who doesn't like Indy why exactly are you friends with them?, to go eat bad dates.

Anyone who complains about the lapses in logic just don't get it, and never will. They don't understand the heritage of the Indy films, those bloody awful serials from the 40's where the hero seemingly dies every week before the next installment's recap shows you the piece of film that was unfortunately left out depicting him taking a step to the right so as to avoid the heat seeking missile as it plows into the side of a mountain.

The point is is that the Indiana Jones films may be cinema in its purest form. Unadulterated joy for those looking for films that thrill and excite and at times horrify too. They tap into something that takes us back to those times as a kid where you become so overwhelmingly excited by something you literally have to go mental or something will burst inside of you. No matter what Crystal Skull is like it has already captured my imagination in just this way, and so tomorrow I'll end up bouncing in my seat as the first strains of the theme tune start. I'll be a kid again. In itself that's better than anything else that'll happen this year. Unless they bring back the wee woman who sells ice lollies down the front halfway through the film. Then my head would actually implode.