Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 23rd - 26th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.





Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Going to curtail this a bit cos its long winded and sometimes boring.



Monday 23rd march 09

Im a day late so yesterday you missed Down and Out in Beverly Hills which was a high concept idea at the time no doubt, 1986 if im right, by making Nick Nolte a tramp in Beverly Hills changing the lives of a family of its inhabitants forever, then this happened (right) in 2007 and i suppose it became life immitating art. right thats enough two year late satire from me, all i can say is that if you missed it you missed a good one, glossy 80s comedies are the best!

Tuesday 24th March 09

you may have missed it again cos im posting so late but pick of today has to be Gunmen on fiveUSA at 9pm. Narcotics agent mario van peebles teams up with smuggler christopher lambert (there can be only one) to chase drugs baron patrick stewart (!) also starring denis leary, i mean come on, thats sound amazing! Oh and more4 has Grizzly Man on, the Werner Herzog film about a fucking halfwits who live with grizzlies then get killed to their surprise, supposed to be good.

Wednesday 25th march 09

My tip tonight is to avoid at all costs Down to You on e4 at 9pm, its pure and utter tripe. it stars Freddy prinze jr which would probably put you off anyway but trust me even if you can put up with him its still terrible. I know this because i have seen it, i have seen it because it followed She's all That to these shores and i liked that (quite a lot actually) so i made an effort to see it (out the video shop i must add, not the cinema, im not mental) wish i hadnt, i reitterate my point avoid like the plague.

Thursday 26th march 09

Fight factory films is a uk distribution company whose movies fascinate me when i go shopping in asda, they come in atractive orange skirted covers and there is literaly loads of them, one of which gets (probably) its premiere on fiveUSA tonight at 9pm. The Contractor stars Wesley Snipes as an assasin, and involes key elements such as one last mission, getting framed and on the run which help it blend in with all the other these type of films. (poor poor english) anyway suppose its worth a look. I have just signed myself up to the kick ass flicks newsletter so i can keep abreast of all fight factory releases and news, i urge you all to follow suit.

Charlie Brookers newswipe also starts this week so keep your eyes peeled on bbc4 for it because it will definitely be funny in a proper sarcastic way we can all get on board with.

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Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 20th - 22nd March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Fri 20th Mar 09

Michael Sheen is on Johnathan Ross to talk about his role as Brian Clough in The Damned Utd, i have went on a bit about this film since i read the book, god it better be good, please let it be good. On ITV at 1.20 i point you in the direction of 3000 Miles to Graceland which is good, Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courtney Cox and Christian Slater make it a strong cast for a film you may not have ever have heard of but this is pretty good. Oh but there is sign language on it, why are deaf people up so late? incidentally, Courtney Cox gets pumped in it so watch and see how this is played out by the fella (or woman) in the corner!

Earlier Crocodile Dundee is on film4, this is one of those intersting films that was so popular it was shown in the afternoon adn some of the racier scenes cut out, such as when Mick finds out the shiela chatting him up is a bloke by grabbing him by the scrotum. I wonder if this is cut out tonight as its showing at 7.10. Blade II is on later at 11pm and although its good and its a Del Toro, i think it misses Deacon Frost, cool name, better baddy.

Sat 21st Mar 09

Ton of stuff on, 12.20 BBC1: Things to do in Denver when your Dead which has Doc Emmett Brown in it, great scot! im in a gangster film! actually this is pretty good. 12.15 on BBC2: Young Frankenstein which i havent seen but should have, ITV at 9pm Notting Hill which i have seen but shouldnt (actually, i think its pretty good actually) and C4 at 1.55 De Niro, Brando and Norton in The Score in the which if im not misteaken is directed by the guy that was Kermit the Frog, and get this, the start time being noted there is no sign language. si that now worth a boo?

70s classic The Deer Hunter is on ITV4 at 10pm, not exactly Saturday night viewing but hey fi you havent ever seen it now is as good a time as any. E4 has The 50 Funniest Comedy films on at 9pm, its been on a hundred times and we have all seen it at least half the times its on but its still worth a wee peek on the breaks of other shows, the top few are obvious but further down you always get some good clips, like you tube without the searching and shit uploads. Police Acedemy is coming back i read, Guttenberg (fresh from his stint in panto (really)) is in line to direct (really) and might appear as mahoney again, but tonight the original is on ITV2 at 10. Its probably the best though i have a soft spot for number 4; Citizens on Patrol! Ok thats enough confesionals.

Sunday 22nd Mar 09

If you have a whole day to dedicate to a film then Ben Hur is on five, for four hours, four, hours! You know i am not exactly sure what its about but im sure with four hours to play with its about a whole load of things. Anyway, five is the home of Sundays films as a Jack black double bill is on, can i just say that i saw Jack Black in the flesh in Amsterdam a few years ago and now i am going back to Amsterdam, conincidence? i would say yes. Shallow Hal and then Envy from 9pm.

Only thing worth noting on digital is Armed and Dangerous on ITV2 at midnight, John Candy, his films were always pretty good in the 80s. I am off work on Monday so this one is gettingstayed up for!

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 16th - 19th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.

Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Monday 16th Mar 09

Four evening movies for your perusal, BBC1 has Trapped: Buried Alive which i can only assume is utter mince. Its on at 12.15. More assumed pish on five at 11pm, Buying the Cow is a comedy with Jerry O'Connell, I'll leave it there. It gets better on ITV with Cadillac Man at 11.35, a Robin Williams film made before he went so sugary sacharine and nye on unwatchable! No bad! all this brings me to, Well, if your off on tuesday then give Gangs of New York a whirl at 10pm on C4, its on for 190 minutes! 190, christ Scorsese is coming it a wee bit witht hat, you can probably stick it off when the neverending credits start cos there isnt a Iron Man style appearnce of Sam Jackson with an eye patch just a U2 song if im not mistaken, 1.10 quickly becomes 1am on the nosewhich is almost palletable.

I mentioned it on the weekend TWAT in regards to The Departed and low and behold it appears! Film4 has Infernal Affairs on at 10.50! this is a wonderful film, wonderful! Also on digital and also from the far east is Ping Pong, a film about tabel tennis. I am now deciding what is a better name, Ping Pong or table Tennis? there only one way to decide this... 10.30 on BBC4.

Tuesday 17th Mar 09

Tuesday it would appear is dead to films and film type shows. Nothing of note is on the schedules. Film 2009 i suppose but the most over exposed pair in tv today Horne and Corden discuss their new film together so maybe its worth avoiding. Channel 6 or higher tonight folks.

But its not much better up there, Intolerable cruelty on ITV2 is worth a look, Coens doing screwball comedy, so look for it at 10pm. fiveUSA at 9pm has a newish JCVD film, you know the ones you have never heard of before, Second on Command anyone? nah, never thought so. Film4 however has a night of entertainment! 9pm Airplane!, frequently voted in the best comedy films ever, then at 10.45 Jackie Brown, and then at 1.40 Infernal Affairs II, alright tis on a bit late this night of entertainment but still, a night of entertainment nonethe less. I should also add that Infernal Affairs II is maybe the best sequel ever.

Wednesday 18th Mar 09

After yesterday anything will do and that anything is a George Clooney thriller from 1997, Teh Peacemaker. Its a bti mince but it was Clooney trying to break out the Doug Ross thing from ER and hey, look how he turned out! We'll let him away with it i think. Its not often i mention afternoon movie treats as they are mostly dramas about babies going to the wrong parents in the hospital or some crummy western but today we have an Ealing Comedy so i will mark your card with that. Kind Hearts and Coronets. 1.20 on C4.

Digital is shit tonight.

Thursday 19th Mar 09

Red Riding finished tonight, di you know that this series of films was based on books by David Peace, the writer of the forthcoming Damned United? Bit of a flavour of the month this guy. Anyway, good drama shocker on TV so watch it. Because the alternative is Species 2 on five at 10pm. There is probably shagging in that though.

There can be only one! Yes Highlander is on ITV4 tonight, yas! I know its been highlighted many times before, i am aware i am not the first to ever say it but really, Highlander is a film about a Scotsman who can live forever, played by a frenchman Christopher Lambert with a slight slight French accent, very slight, he is helped in his quest by a Spaniard played by a Scotsman in the shape of Sean Connery in the broadest Scottish accent he could muster! Genius! Who Wants to Live forever! Thursday? i cant wait. If thats not your bag then im not talking to you. Other stuff is on i suppose but sorry, highlander is compulsory viewing.

Lindsay Lohan Fully Loaded

A warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest has been issued. Contrary to reports that it relates to her DUI charge it turns out that some of the police happened to see Herbie Fully Loaded. Rumours that Bruce Campbell is also being sought by police thanks to appearing in the '97 remake of The Love Bug are so far unfounded.

Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 13th - 15th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Fri 13th Mar 09

Tis Comic Relief tonight so the only competition on terrestial is barbershop on STV with Ice Cube about a Barbershop strangely and get Rich or Die Trying about 50 Cent starring 50 Cent. Oh Dear. Watch Comic Relief.

After a frankly indefferent Cheltenham festival for you writer here Seabiscuit isn't really what i am wanting to see however if it sound good to you 8.05 on BBC3. Sleuth is on ITV3, this sound familiar, it might as its was remade Last year starring Jude law and Michael Caine, this is the original of the remake with Caine in the Law role and Olivier in the Caine role, that make sense? No? oh well then. BBC4 have some right good music doco's in its schedule every once in a while and tonight might be another, Do it Yourself: The Story of Rough Trade Records is on at 9pm, bound to be some good stroies in it at the very least.

Sat 14th Mar 09

Ok, what the bloody fuck, Young Guns II is on five at twenty minutes to six! now if memory serves there is a hooker who rides a horse naked in that one, something tells me that will be edited out, and if it is wahts the point of watching! later on at night there is some good stuff, 9pm sees a battle between C4 and ITV, I, Robot v About a Boy. personally About a Boy wins for me but both have plenty in the tank to entice viewers. lets think about About a Boy, the irritating wee tit who plays the boy Hugh grants character takes under his wing went on and shagged everything in Skins, also in Skins was Dev Patel who only turned up at an audition for something to do, then he went on and starred in Slumdog which ripped the pants off the awards ceremonies this year. Skins therefore is a turning point in something for some folk. There, a well thought out arguement. C4 has another few films on, Ali at 11.10 which gets better and better every time you watch it and sex Lives of the potato men which i am going to try catch cos it cant be as bad as is made out. Also, check out ITV at 11.05 as After Hours is on, a lesser known Scorsese film form 85, interesting as a few Scorsese flicks are on in the next few days but i will get to them when they appear.

Digital channel BBC4 is doing a japanese type season, i know this becasue i have seen some ads over the past few days, Sat night has Kikujiro on at 11.30. personally i know nothing about it but it has takeshi Kitano in it and i have heard of him so we'll go with that. FiveUSA are ripping the piss with Starship Troopers 2 at 10pm and fiver have, wait for it, Dirty Dancing. Any guys reading who are having a night in with the girl, it is possible to delete channels from your digibox so my suggestion is do it, just research the next day adn get it back, dont lose your Saturday night to putting babies in the corner and old men lifting young lassies by the crotch both in the water and in a climatic scene on a dancefloor. Seriously, delete it.

Sun 15th mar 09

Well shiver me timbers, sunday is as impressive a council telly day as Sat! 4.10 on ITV, why its The Neverending Story! join Bastian and Atreyu and all the other weird stuff, that big flying dog thing et al as they try adn save the princess or some balls. Its fucking excellent! 5.35 on five is Superman, the Christopher Reeve one, now i am going to make a wee confession, one of the Superman films scared the shit out of me as a youngster, the one where richard Prior gets turned into a robot or some sort of plastic thing, shat it every time. this one im pretty sure isnt it so i can rest easy. After that, its Talladega Nights! A premiere at 8.15. What a laugh. Ricky Bobby's weans steal it for me when they talk back to their granpa. Genius.

Right, i have taken a new paragraph but its nto because i have moved to digital picks, no, its because the other premiere of the night is on C4 and its called The Departed. Scorsese's Oscar winner (at long last) and its absolutely brilliant. A remake of the Hong Kong masterpiece Infernal Affairs its just as good as its original. You know what, just watch it, if you have seen it who cares watch it again, and look out Infernal, its good too.

Digital isnt too hot tonight, Basic Instinct on ITV2 at 11pm could be interesting in these times where pausing live tv is a posibility, get a wee swatch at shazzas snatch and stick it back over to soemthing else, actually, thats not fair, stones fanny aside its not that bad a thriller as it goes. weekend over.

Richard Gere Loses Plot

Yup, not too long after stopping just short of sexually assaulting Shilpa Shetty on stage in front of thousands, and a long time since all that hamster/anus interface crap, Richard Gere has claimed that one day China could have a Tibetan leader if the election of Obama is any sort of pointer.

Maybe he hasn't went totally mental though. This may all be an elaborate suck up job to the Dalai Lama so that he gets his blessing to play him in a biopic. Not the best piece of casting ever, I'll admit, but if Gere goes method and shaves his hair off it could work. That or they could use those effects from Benjamin Button in reverse and digitally shrivel his face up a bit.

It may sound far fetched now but if this project is announced remember where you read it first!

J.C.V.D.: The Prequel

Ol JCVD is getting plaudits for the first time in about ten years, or twenty, or maybe his career. But years and years ago he got a hard-on on telly and for me, seeing it for the first time this month, all that kudos has went down the shitter.

Not for the hard-on you understand, more the jeans.



I appreciate, what with the 3million plus views on the old youtube, that a fair few folk have seen this, but if you havent then you pretty much must be traumatised.