Got an email bringing my attention to this competition, the reason i got it was simple, i entered last year, got nowhere but hey, god loves a trier!
Last year it was the "one minute wonder" competition but this year that has been increased to three. It also has a theme this year it "BIG", films have to be set in Scotland and its all due in on Friday so if i am entering then i better get my skates on. Checking the winners from last year i may have to raise the bar to have a chance (incidentally, i have no chance, i just havent told myself yet) and you can check them out yourgood slef as they have been made and look super duper.
http://www.list.co.uk/article/5804-one-minute-wonder-minute-masters/
All very good but surely my effort would have been just a s good? No? judge for yourself, here is my script, the theme was fear or something, pretty sure it was fear, anyway, typing as i am right now it would probably have been a better idea to film my script myself and show it as a wee link, ah well, maybe something to do on a rainy day. Expect to see this years entry as soon as The List and Metro Ecosse have kindly discarded it with a thank you.
though i still hold out hope!
Here it is, unedited, what i entered last year, I called it (Il)Logical Fear, which i am still not sure whether it is a good title.
(IL)LOGICAL FEAR
INT. BEDROOM. DAY
Ryan James, short hair and handsome, is lying in bed. He kicks out form under the covers in his boxers and vest, he is reasonably tall.
RYAN
I have a fear of wild animals, not the daft zoo kind, fuck, I am from the west of Scotland, what chance do I have of seeing a fucking lion or bear stoating around town? None no its something equally as wild but far more common that fills me with dread, its………
EXT. AYR RIVER. DAY
Ryan stands at the side of the river as seagulls sit on the wall behind him. An old woman is walking in the distance.
RYAN
Seagulls. Look at them, but I suppose its not even seagulls, of which these are not, these aren’t birds that nest on cliffs, feeding fish to their young. These are a vicious mutation, the Towngull. These fuckers have never eaten a fish or seen the sea in their lives, they were brought up on big macs, KFCs and meatball marinara subs, they eat anything, including their own! and as such have mutated into the beast we see today. When I was a pup they were small timid things which flew away when you approached them, not the mutant spawns of satan flying in the skies today. Now they are built like ends of buses, they have a wing span of around seven feet, zero fear and a real fuck you attitude.
The old woman takes out a bag of bread and starts throwing it at the seagulls, they fly in from all directions.
RYAN
For fuck sake you silly old witch! They are scavenging bastards, they are going to take over the world!
EXT. KILMARNOCK TOWN CENTRE. DAY
Ryan stands across the road from MacDonalds. He starts to walk up a street.
RYAN
And that is the thing that scares me the most, I actually believe that. I actually believe they will take over the world. Why? Because they are sharp as fuck, or sleekit as my granny would say. I attempted to walk up this street here last summer, now this was when the young had hatched and had developed to those horrible grey things that can’t fly and so waddle about the streets when they fall out their nest. Now this street is Sea, sorry Towngull central, every roof has a family, I started walking, but I was watching too, I spotted one, eying me up as if to say, one more step, just one more, I fucking dare you! I will swoop, don’t you kid yourself on, I fucking will, I will swoop, and I am looking back saying, look please, I don’t want to touch your baby, just let me pass in peace. Fuck you, it says. And do you know I turned around and took a twenty minute detour.
Camera takes the path that Ryan took but faster. It reaches he point at the top of the road which is visible from the starting point.
RYAN
To here!
EXT. QUEENS DRIVE, KILMARNOCK. DAY
RYAN
And they are scared of nothing. I was cycling on this road, so there I am, cycling in the cycle lane, behind a car which was behind another car which was about fifty odd yards ahead, the driver of the first car, a complete dickhead, threw out a half bag of chips, fucking chips! At this the seagulls pounced, loads of them! Laying into these chips, as the car in front of me approached the most flew away except one which got cracked by the car. Slevers and god knows what flew, landing on my hand and face, the most disgusting thing ever, the seagull was out cold, I cheered, on the inside mind, didn’t want one of the ones that got away clocking me cheering and swooping because of my joy. But what happened next, the fucker got up. And not only did it get up, it did so by kicking of its shoulders like a wrestler onto its feet and flew away.
INT. RYANS BEDROOM. DAY
Ryan is back under the covers with his hands clasped behind his head.
RYAN
That was my proof that they are evolving into something to fear, fuck global warming, it’s the gulls that will get us. And it will be the swooping that does it, the swooping I predict will see the town gull inherit the earth. I am just waiting on the first swoop that’s too low and leaves a beak embedded in a face. Then it will be war, man versus beast, and I for one am terrified. You might see this as the wild ranting of a crazy man, and hopefully your right, however I am going to stay here, here I am safe. Remember to duck.
Ryan rolls over in his bed. A seagull lands on the window ledge.
(Theme from Hitchcock’s The Birds Plays)
END
A one man monologue set in Kilmarnock largely by someone remarkably similar in stature to myself, oh well that' be a typically self indulgent piece from me then!
Fingers crossed for me.
Ruud Kerouac
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