Baseball on five

Yeah I know this should be on The NHOJ but I'm not talking about Baseball as good as it is, I'm talking about five's, what happened to the capital letter folks?, excellent show that features the live games.

For over a decade now host Jonny Gould and a rotation of cracking pundits have tirelessly brought British terrestrial viewers the game live. The show is a combination of hard facts for those more accustomed to the game and tutorials for those that aren't. Thankfully thanks to the people involved this is in no way dry, but rather one of the funniest shows on TV at times. This is down not only to the very funny people, comedian Phil Jupitus has joined this year to add to the laughs, but the general tone of the show.



Gould is the greatest asset, a host who seems to never quite have a grip on the situation but somehow always stumbles through. It's actually mesmerising to watch. He also is one cheesy guy, in fact if he ever does a movie he's getting made a Splice Hero of Cheese instantly, meaning that he's an easy target for a slagging from his wingmen and producer. But he always takes it on the chin and gets them back. The producer Eric gets ripped to shreds constantly.

But that's what's so great about it. it's a group of people having a great time it just so happens that they're not just hosting a live telly programme but also showcasing live sport at the same time. This relaxed feel allows you to become drawn in very easily, either through emailing the show, going on the forums or playing the fantasy baseball game that ensnares Gould worse than anyone every year. Even if you don't, just being able to laugh at the in jokes makes you feel a part of something, call it a cult TV fanship if you will.

In all honesty I can't think of a better way to promote the game in this country than this show. Keep up the good work boys!

$exyfest

And here it is, the fruition of my hopes and dreams, or rather, what happens when you act like a fanny and film yer mates then find out you have editing software on your phone while lying in bed with a hangover that auld nick himself concocted!

i give you my first movie.

Admittedly its a bit rough but then so was i.

ruud kerouac.

Update: Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

Here's a wee update on how part 1 of Ruud's masterplan is coming along.

Grosse Point Blank has been thoroughly watched by our collected four eyes so expect Ruud's write up anytime now followed by my counter.

Then it's my turn to pick a film. Hmm, what to torture Ruud with I wonder...

In about four years time we'll have a list of films, and some of them might even be ones you want to watch so keep you're eyes peeled!

Happy Bloody Easter

Great* Lines from the Movies *Interpretations of great may differ from mines Part 8

Oh man, if you can't fry it, I won't eat it!

Private Washburn played by Don Cheadle in the fantastic war film Hamburger Hill. He is describing his feelings on for want of a better phrase, licking womens holes. I think he summed up his feelings well.

Can't recommend the film enough incidentally.

I See Dead People

So after the Ledger and Swayze news comes the deaths of director Anthony Minghella and 2001: A Space Odyssey pen bloke Arthur C. Clarke. What's going on?

At least one of my childhood favourites the bloke who played Captain Birdseye's okay...

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Irish Film: A Paddies Tribute

Well it's Paddies and our fellow Celtic nation have a thriving film industry. This tribute could be exceptionally longwinded covering all those miserable films about the IRA, sectarianism and potato famines.

Or it could just consist of this:



Irish film: fooking good!

Machine Girl (It Really Is Real!)

Remember the trailer for Machine Girl posted a while back? The first thing anyone seems to ask beyond "how cool does that look?" and "when can I see the drill bra in action?" is "is it actually a spoof?". It possibly is but it's going to be a full length spoof. It does appear to be a real film that, fingers crossed, will appear over here.

Here's a short interview with the director. I'd say that it'd be the most elaborate spoof commercial ever if it was one. Thankfully the new greatest/worst movie ever appears to be very real indeed.

HUZZAH!

Juno

For Juno's first twenty minutes you'll probably be cursing whoever recommended it to you. The scene in the chemist with the pregnancy test aside little of interest happens. In fact you'll probably be thinking "here we go with yet another over-hyped "indie" film". All the pieces are there for a textbook "indie" film; the twee soundtrack (Moldy Peaches GAAAH!), wisecracking teens referencing way beyond their years, Juno's actual taste in music (ie stuff not in the soundtrack like The Stooges) is suspiciously cool and the opening credits are animated. Shudder.

Then it comes.

The moment where Juno begins to click into place. It involves her telling her parents she's pregnant. It's hilarious, emotional and perfectly judged by the actors, Ellen Page, J.K. Simmons and Alison Janney. From the reactions of the parents to Juno trying to cover up her emotions with humour while she's clearly not mature enough to deal with all this it's like an encapsulation of the whole movie in less than five minutes.

And what a movie it turns out to be. It's sweet but gutsy at the same time, unlike Knocked Up where they can't even utter "abortion" Juno has her go to a clinic before choosing to keep the child. And the fact she makes a choice is important, this is no anti-abortion film, although it could be read as suggesting that everything works out great thanks to a teen pregnancy. Of course not really, the whole point is really about what happens when those who are still not mature have to make big decisions.

The second act introduces the Lorings, a yuppie couple who can't conceive played by Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. This storyline is one of Juno's strong points. The seeming way out for Juno quickly becomes a very uncomfortable obstacle as initial impressions of the whole situation are turned on their head. The level of discomfort that arises from this situation is an incredibly bold step from the screenwriter Diablo Cody, probably even more so than the abortion/right to choose angle. Thankfully any levity is countered by the genuine sweetness of the script. There's affection for these characters in Cody's writing that means that the whole proceeding never becomes overwrought and this is backed up by Ellen Paige's great performance as Juno, somehow actually a likable character, the fantastic parent characters and the wonder that is Michael Cera. Just like in Arrested Development and Superbad he does that dying swan thing he does so well. His Bleeker is the one without the ability to just simply quip to cover his emotions so his immaturity in relation to the pregnancy is brought to the fore. You even are willing them to get together by the end.

Of course there are wrangles. Jennifer Garner's not great and director Jason Reitman falls back on his copy of "The Big Book Of "Indie" Movie Cliches" a little too often. There's also that nagging feeling that a lot of the attention given to the movie by Oscar is an attempt by the old farts who judge to show they are "with it". I'd call it "The Little Miss Sunshine Syndrome".

But like that movie Juno's a very enjoyable, sweet character study. Sure the teen's dialogue can be a little grating, but in all honesty it's the only problem with Diablo Cody's script. She even uses the traditional three act structure to perfection with the passing of the seasons that make up Juno's pregnancy. She's definitely a writer to be watched. It's flawed but Juno overcomes those thanks to its charm and is ultimately a wee feel good gem. Just don't curse me until the twenty one minute mark okay?

Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

That's right! You read it correctly. We here at Splice have chosen to undertake the mammoth task of watching a ton of movies that all came out in a single decade, the one right before the one you're in right now. At regular intervals, or when we can be arsed, myself or Ruud shall proclaim a movie from the decade they're already calling "that one that was a bit better than the 80's, Christ remember how shite they were?" and then watch it before both posting our thoughts. What will amass shall be the greatest movies ever made! (from that decade).

Ruud's going to kick it off with Grosse Point Blank.

As his idea goes that film is our number one. Then I'll suggest something. It'll be placed accordingly in perspective to the film already done. We'll keep doing this until there's a big list, that you'll probably disagree with but that's okay. It's called debate and trust me when I say myself and Ruud will be debating heavily as to how this list will pan out.

This should be interesting!

Hulked

A recent photo of Roger Clemens or the new Hulk? You decide!

Patrick Swayze

So in January I declared during my resolutions for 2008 that I was planning to write a tribute to Patrick Swayze, it's under resolution 7. It was actually something I had planned to write as far back as when Splice started but for whatever reasons I never got around to it. Now with recent news I've been motivated into knocking this out.

The thing is with Swayze is it could have been very easy for me to have hated him. He's good looking, women go all gooey over him, and he was in Dirty Dancing. Yet I don't. You see Swayze's one of what I would call a "Hero of Cheese". Those actors who are very likeable but keep turning up in piles of shite bigger than the one the sick Triceratops plopped out in Jurassic Park. No matter how bad the movie, they are great in it and as a result the movie actually becomes enjoyable.

Of course there are degrees of enjoyability. In Dirty Dancing the man dances like a motherfucker to a killer soundtrack, but the film itself is exactly the sort of tripe apparently sensible women like. Ghost is another that tugs on a women's heartstrings by being filled with those sort of cloying emotional moments that make them greet, yet they can't understand why a scene like Merrick going to sleep in The Elephant Man's actually genuinely sad. Yet Swayze's great and the movie has enough other stuff to like.

Roadhouse is the daddy though. Remember this is a movie who's logic states that a bouncer in some backwater can become World reknowned. It's bad but for all the right reasons and is almost a work of genius, falling short because I doubt anyone involved actually meant it. But you've got so much that's great, from Ben Gazzara's wonderfully over the top baddie, to Kelly Lynch being really hot in that 80's film way, to Jeff Healy, who died himself recently, playing the guitar on his lap while being all kinds of blind, to big, bad Sam Elliott in his coolest role outside of the Big Lebowski. Then there's the logic that I don't even want to go into as this piece will end up dissertation length but just watch it for yourself if you haven't. Topping all of this is Swayze. He's cool as in this and it's pretty clear that after Dirty Dancing proved he'd hump you in a dance contest, he'd also batter you senseless if you attempted a square go to restore some manly pride afterwords.



There are others worth seeing. Point Break is a decent stab at an actioner, elevated by Swayze's method performance as a zen surfer/bank robber/Steven Pressley look-a-like. Christ the poor sod had to drag Keanu Reeves through the thing so I'd say he deserves a retroactive Oscar for that alone.

What's great about Swayze in all of these is that he throws himself into the roles. He's clearly having a bawl as well. And at all times he remains likeable, a guy who's clearly a bit awrite if you bumped into him. You actually want his characters to succeed because he's playing them. The best part is he never stoops to smarm for smarm's sake. Even when he popped up in Donnie Darko. His performance is only smarmy because that's the character. And when he appeared I for one was delighted to see him. His casting may have been some nudge, nudge, wink, wink nostalgic 80's reference but he was perfect for the role and gave a pretty damn good performance, maybe his best.

So as I've said, likeable. He seems to be a genuinely nice guy in an industry filled with arseholes. When I heard the news of his illness I was saddened because of the nature of what's happening to him. Too many Hollywood types go out having partied so hard their bodies couldn't keep up, or whined about the pressure of what would be most people's dream job to the point that they took the coward's way out. Judging by his performances in the aforementioned films Swayze enjoys his craft. Maybe he's not the greatest at it, but sometimes a hamburger's more enjoyable than a steak.

My hat is off to the first of Splice's "Heroes of Cheese".

There Will Be Blood

So it turns out There Will Be Blood is not a cautionary tale for girls about to enter puberty but rather an excellent treaty on the corrupt ideologies that America is born on.



Seriously, There Will Be Blood is a remarkable film. It's one of those mesmerising epics in the ilk of Kubrick's Barry Lyndon that just takes an age to do anything and revels in the space that the movie format allows it. It has the feel of the works of Terence Malick and many films of the 70s. The scope of the film is as expansive as the landscape that the events inhabit, scenes last for as long as they seem to wish and they don't always seem to serve a purpose. Of course this means that like the films that have so obviously influenced There Will Be Blood it will bore as many, if not more, as it will enthrall. It's moviemaking at its most laconic allowing you to inhabit some form of dreamscape while watching, only for it to snap you back to reality with a sudden burst of brutal violence. On other words its very similar to No Country For Old Men in many respects.

I don't want to spend the review comparing and contrasting the two films that have been jostling for best picture at pretty much every awards. For me both are excellent and are both worthy winners. At this time I have only seen both once so it would be unfair to pick one as better than the other, but already the Internet is awash with those willing to place themselves into one camp or the other. Many fans of There Will Be Blood are upset at No Country's Oscar triumph. It may well be they are correct to be aggrieved as just a few weeks after declaring that it would take an incredible film to better that this year here comes one that may have done just that.

Then of course there's what may be There Will Be Blood's trump card, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Let's not fumble about here, this is his show. Paul Thomas Anderson can do what he likes with the camera but at the end of the day it will always find its way back to Day-Lewis' Daniel Plainview. His performance is breathtaking and all of those awards are justified. Mind you that's not to say there aren't other brilliant performances present. Dillon Freasier as Daniel's son H.W. is brilliant in what turns out to be a mainly silent performance. For this to be his first acting gig, according to IMDB (I know, I know), is nothing short of astounding. And Paul Dano (Dwayne in Little Miss Sunshine) is great as the preacher Eli, a man as consumed by his faith as Plainview is, it's just that one's is for God, the other for money. Dano's performance has come under fire in some quarters, mainly as people found him whiny, annoying and seriously out of his depth. Thing is Eli is meant to be whiny, annoying and seriously out of his depth while dealing with a man like Plainview, so it works perfectly. Whether the actor meant it is of no concern.

And then their's that ending. If No Country's ending baffled thanks to a lack of closure, There Will Be Bloods may confuse entirely because of how jarring it is. Without ruining anything it flies in the face of the rest of the movie as the tone suddenly shifts and things become incredibly over the top and humourous. After such a long film that has mainly reveled on subtlety and moodiness it is a jolt to the system for sure. But it is merited. Instead of being a sudden bolt from the blue the film builds to it slowly but surely, and like the oil ready to burst up through the Earth's surface the pressure finally results in an outpour, in this case of ACTIIIIIIIING! and violence. It is an extraordinary scene, but one that's ripe for parody. If it hasn't happened already expect to see someone at an awards ceremony or one of those awful spoof films, let's call this one Slow Mesmeric Modern Western Movie, doing something similar to it.

There Will be Blood is one of those films that will either enthrall or bore you. Like the films and directors that have influenced Anderson the term "acquired taste" is incredibly apt (there were a number of walkouts when I saw it, especially in the mainly silent first half hour). It's a film that deserves to be seen, especially for Day-Lewis' performance, but for some it will certainly be an endurance test. For me it's a wonderful movie, but what I love about it may well be the same things cited by someone who didn't like it as their reasons for holding that position. It's that kind of movie really.

Green Lit: Ruud in March

I will start March with an apology, I am apologising for my lack of success fulfilling what I outlined to do at the beginning of February. So, sorry.

Apology out the way I will simply hint to what may or may not be coming in the next month, may or may not because I really feel that promises could well be broken. I suppose I better at this juncture explain why I never got round to everything I said I would, basically its because I am lazy, it all seemed like a good idea when writing it but the process of delivering is sometimes doesn’t seem so appealing. However one thing which happened last month both hindered my chances of posting a lot and at the same time will help me post more this month. That being, me passing my driving test, I am not boasting about that by the way, at 26 it’s probably about time, but it has empowered me to move out my family home and into ma own wee man flat. Having been here four days it is in fact incredibly boring, as there is no hustle or bustle of people coming in or out or anything, just me. Kind of strange but I will get used to it. So with this, I will have time on my hands to watch more stuff and do more stuff. Well it’s a sort of plan anyway.

A quick summary of what I conquered from Feb.’s Greenlit shows that I never did any reviews, Grindhouse is still a mile away sadly, I did harbour intentions of going to the Glasgow Film festival to see it on the fabled “big screen”, but then harbour intentions is a phrase which can be used to describe a lot of what I do in life. I.e. harbour intentions equals wanted to but forgot/couldn’t be bothered when it came to it/changed my mind. In other words, I saw it was on, registered it would be good to see, but when it came down to getting the time getting the tickets etc I put it on back burner and forgot, was reminded and decided no.

I am Legend I did watch and have got a review sort of done just not posted, so half a tick. Never saw anything else in Feb, too busy.

Next was another rollover form January, review of Christmas viewing, well tis a bit pointless now, since its nearly spring so I will quickly recap here, the whole Christmas holidays I watched one film on TV. Three Men and a Little Lady. And it was good, good because I had a hangover and couldn’t get out bed, and good because I haven’t seen it in ages. Ted Danson and Tom Sellick are great. Steve Guttenberg is a bit pants but hey, it wouldn’t be the same without him, so fuck it, he was great too. In all it says a lot about the Christmas schedule that this is all I watched, I had hoped there would be a slew of those types of films on at around the 11am wake up time but really there wasn’t, no Mighty Ducks, no Neverending Story, no nothing. Poor show.

Third thing, another rollover from Jan, Channel 5s best 80s film compilation show, kinda forgot what was on it, binned.

Sports movies and things I remember going to the pictures to see when young will now be shelved; to be brought back later I should think. A poor effort not to cover them last month but I feel a mature decision to shelve them instead o letting it roll again. Good on me.

I did however put a script of mine up and also had a right good bash at Oscar predicting so I wasn’t totally redundant!

The Danny Dyer expose will be coming, in fact I am currently researching that one, watched Severance last night, erm, it was mince but got into it in the end. (gid review) so keep your eyes peeled.

2008 look forward and my new series can be rolled over I think too, so here’s the line up for March.

1. Danny Dyer; am I missing something?

2. 2008 stuff I look forward to.

3. Begin the series of films that I thought were crap but maybe I just never got. Saving Private Ryan will be first but also look out for Spinal Tap and Big Fish.

4. More reviews.

5. With Big Reds help I suggest we start a SPLICE: Best Films of the 90s List. Every months we, me and him will put a favourite film of ours form the 90s, no less than one, no more than four a month, review it or such like then over the course of time we will have compiled a list of the top 100 films of the 90s. Or 50 if it gets boring! I picked the 90s because others get done to death, the 80s for example, also I and Red are only in our 20s, and this is our time if you will. Rules will be implemented such as the year of release must be from imdb but these things can get ironed out later.

6. More stuff such as the SPLICE first showing of my editing creation which will blow Reds quite embarrassing though admittedly funny vids of the planet. And also anything else that catches my eye this month.

Cheers

Ruud Kerouac

Ratatouille

Or Rat-a-too-ee, as the advert so helpfully points out. Here's my thoughts:



A fan-tas-tic w-ee pic-ture.