Twilight: New Moon

Aye, that's right, get over it ya tube. I actually watched it with the thoroughly brilliant Rifftrax treatment, the preview of which follows now in this video window thing here, look:



The thing that really strikes you about New Moon is how dull it is. This is a movie that features vampires and werewolves doing battle and is aimed at today's ADD addled teens. So how the hell can so little actually happen for two hours? How do they actually like this snorefest? How do you take a film with vamps and lycans fighting and not make that cool as fuck?

Basically it sums up how poorly written, directed, acted, CGIed and many other processes that end in 'ed' this turd is. It makes the first Twilight flick look positively buoyant in comparison. You can at least forgive that some of its talky nature as it's the first of a series and has a lot to set up. New Moon has no excuses. Beyond the werewolves and the vamp royal family there's nothing new here. Actually those two things are a real bone of contention and show how many mistakes have been made in the making of this. The two groups are easily the best things about this, even the finely toned abbed Moon lovers. There's actually something quite interesting going on with the Native Americans who find out they're cursed and there's some genuine anguish on show. It's not werewolf from Monster Squad thanking the Dad for killing him and putting him out of his misery, hell that was written by Shane Black. No don't expect that film's brilliant treatment of monsters here. There are tantalising glimpses of the better film that this would be if we could follow them though, such as the older chap's scarred girlfriend. An even better movie would be one all about the Vampire royals who are pretty much the one good thing Stephanie Meyer has come up with, sorry teens, she didn't invent werewolves. Sadly they don't turn up until the very end of the film and feel almost like an afterthought, "we'd better actually have something happen in this film, quick put in some baddies". Basically they're afforded the same treatment as lame ponytail vamp in the first Twilight.

Nope instead we are left to follow Bella moaning and whining for about an hour and a half after Edward buggers off. This is another big mistake, surprising I know, as he just appears as some sort of fart-like vapour through this whole segment of the film and it transpires he actually is the more interesting of the two central characters. Listening to Kristen's Stewart's mumbling, pause laden incomplete sentence filled "performance" is torture for anyone who has already spent their teen years in the company of tens of people exactly like this. Thanks to the saga's demographic we're stuck with this character and her little problems, like wanting to die and her boyfriend being a dick and that childhood friend's starting to look attractive and it's not fair that I've got a group of diverse friends from all backgrounds who really like me even though I treat them like shit...and so on, and so on. And of course they're treated as the most important things in the world, because to a teen they are. The last one is the one that grates most though, as it shows how much of a teen lassie wish fulfilment box ticking exercise the whole thing is. The fact that Bella is painted as one of those outcast, if she were male she'd be gunning down her classmates types and yet she's also the most popular person this side of Carl from The Simpsons. Supposedly her "winning smile" and "ray of sunshine attitude towards life" are enough to make her belle of the ball. Give me a shitting break. But then I'm really not in this piece of arsewipe's demographic am I? I want vampires that murder people and explode in the sun, not ones who look like they've fallen in a vat of glitter. The Count from Sesame Street's more terrifying. I do have to ask though, are teenage lassies really stupid? I ask because the best little artistic flourish that the director actually manages has been ruined by one of those decisions that assumes the audience aren't clever enough to keep up with what's happening. It's a simple little montage of Bella sitting in a chair by a window being all depressed as she's been dumped. The camera does numerous full 360s around her and each time we see the window the weather has changed to suggest some months have passed. It's by no means incredible, I know, but it jumps out because everything else about the direction is so flat. The problem is that subtitles have been added so everytime you see out the window it tells you what month it is. Either the director really is as dire as the rest of the film suggests or someone in a suit decided that audiences just won't get what is happening in this scene. It's the sort of thing that should make viewers of the movie angry because the makers are treating you like an idiot. But we let them get away with it, not only by failing to noticed them talking down to us but by continuing to actually watch and read crap like Twilight. If ever something existed to manipulate its audience it's this.

So there you have it, the worst film ever to feature vampires and werewolves. At least any schlocky z-grade movie that has both would be in some way fun to watch. The episode of The Real Ghostbusters that had them both fighting done it better Christ! This is horrifying to anyone who isn't a teenage female. So that's me then. A boring, bland, nothing movie that will probably be the greatest thing you've ever seen if you're part of the demographic it's aimed at. For the rest of us it's best just to let the Rifftrax guys make it fun to watch.