Film Of The Year

That is all!

Oh and my review's here.

The Splice Advent Calender 25/12/07

IT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSS CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Splice Advent Calender 24/12/07

Well it's Winterville Eve and it wouldn't be the festive period without a bit of Cliff:



Oh I sleigh me (geddit, SLEIGH, cos it's Christmas n stuff!)!

Of course I'm not going to include the only man in the music business to have had less sex than the Virgin Mary (although he's probably taken more drugs) because I'm not over the age of 80, so here's Wizzard (and a bit of Jimmy Saville, the World's oldest ned):

The Splice Advent Calender 23/12/07

Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas everyone!

Cinematic Titanic Out!

It's out! Pop over to their site and have a look. Here's the promo thingy:



Shamefully at this time it looks as if anyone outside North America can't get this. Fingers and toes crossed that the situation changes somehow!

Xmas Riffing

A promo for Rifftrax's short A Visit To Santa:



Another great Xmas riff to add to the two they've done and the two from MST3K. Click on the above link to download the full video (you need a DivX Player).

The Splice Advent Calender 22/12/07

And now for a few of the best Xmas songs over the next few days, mainly because I'm a lazy sod:

The Splice Advent Calender 21/12/07

I don't like the threat implied by this song, "you'd better watch out, 'cos Santa's pissed man an' he'll cut ya if you mess with him!"

The Splice Advent Calender 20/12/07

A Christmas song... for you:




Well framed eh? Next I'll be getting a phone call frae Michael Bay askin me to do Transformers 2. I am of course suggesting that he intentionally sets out to confuse us!

The Splice Advent Calender 19/12/07

Sorry Die Hard isn't the greatest Xmas movie ever, Santa and The Ice Cream Bunny is:

The Splice Advent Calender 18/12/07

Download this and keep the X-Fuddster off number one.

The Splice Advent Calender 17/12/07

Lustige Videos – Gratis Fun Video – Deine funny Videos bei Clipfish

The Splice Advent Calender 16/12/07

The best Xmas movie ever:

The Games That Should Be Turned Into Movies

In lieu of the recent Hitman film (heard it's shite and after Street Fighter: The Movie video game based films aren't high on my to watch list, somewhere under cows taking a dump and Hostel 2). But there are cracking games that if done right (ie with a bloody good story, games never have good stories in filmic terms) could maybe work:



Streets Of Rage

So let's start with one that has virtually no story just to fuck things right up.Think of how cool watching Axel, Blaze, Adam and Max (not Skate, he's embarrassingly early 90's "cool". He'd need to be done up like one of the Klaxons now or something) battering lots of enemies that vaguely resemble other famous characters (Freddy, Ultimate Warrior, Blaze from Streets Of Rage) while that music pumps all the time. Obviously the script could be turned into something about the corruption at the heart of the city it's set in or something. In all honesty I just want them to reveal where they jump from at the start of a level. Is it heaven?



Conker's Bad Fur Day

Animated of course featuring a foul-mouthed squirrel pissing on baddies and fighting an opera singing mound of poo. Film of any year it gets released in!



Gunstar Heroes

KA- (wait for it) BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The blowiest uppyist game evers! Just hunners o shootin and explosions. There might already be an anime version of this, who knows (Japanese people probably) but done right a lack of plot wouldn't matter too much, just like the game.



The Legend Of Zelda (and in particular Ocarina Of Time).

It's got everything you could want; fighting, archery, time travel, small boys in tights that grow into men in tights, pointy ears, chicken throwing. This one actually does have a story that genuinely shocks and with all the post-Rings fantasy flicks coming out now would be a good time finally to erase that shite blast of a cartoon series from the 80's with a spanking good movie. The campaign starts here!



Mario

Aye aye, it's already been done:



but Christ was it pish. Did they even play any of the games first? Remake Mario as he should be instead of whatever fever dream that thing was.

Oh and it looks like someone has already made a Streets Of Rage movie. Check the special effects:

The Splice Advent Calender 15/12/07

Is it just me or should Rudolph have told Santa to go fuck himself?

Santa: "Hey Rudolph. See hows it's foggy n aw that? Ya wanna guide the sleigh?"

Rudolph: "Really?"

Santa: "Really."

Rudolph: "Really? So after aw these years o no goin oot and bein ignored by ye, aw o a sudden you want me to guide yer sleigh. No jus help pull it, guide it. Now why would that be?"

Santa: "Because I value and trust you Rudolph. Your the one fer me!"

Rudolph: "Well I wisnae aw those times ye turnt a blind eye to the hazin frae Prancer n aw that wis I? Let me guess, cause it's foggy there's finally a use fir me. I can light the night sky. Is that it?"

Santa: "Well aye."

Rudolph: "Or mibbies it's because naebody will be able to see you hingin oot wae the FREAK WAE THAT HING ON HIS FACE! Is that it? You too ashamed to be seen wae me?

Santa: "No...not at..."

Rudolph: "Cram it ya auld pie.Ye can shove yer sleigh up yer FAT ARSE cos I'm out! Get it right roon ye!"

Or something to that affect.

The Splice Advent Calender 14/12/07

Oh Holy shite:



(Supposedly a genuine audition for a Christian Music school)

Thanks to MonsterXmas on the MST3K Discussion Board for the link to this!

The Splice Advent Calender 13/12/07

The Splice Advent Calender 12/12/07

A Christmas greeting from the guys at Rifftrax (scroll down for the video).

The Rifftrax site has the commentary they did for the abysmal Star Wars Holiday Special (Lucas don't want you to see this trainwreck).

And from last year there's the commentary they did for Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey (a short clip):



Fill your Christmas with Riff related cheer!

The Splice Advent Calender 11/12/07

A Christmas joke for you, please don't hate me!

Machine Girl Trailer

I've no idea what this is but fuck I want to see it!



Cheers to my mate Euan for this heads up!

The Splice Advent Calender 10/12/07

Here's my Christmas card to you! May all your Christmas' be shite.

The Splice Advent Calender 9/12/07

Guess what? It actually snowed a wee bit yesterday right after I shot the video of the pissin' rain!

Futurama: Bender's Big Score

I know it's really just a few episodes stuck together and plopped out by Fox just like the Family Guy "movie" but Futurama's back so wheesht and just accept it as a great Xmas present. And there's another three to come!

See the excitement about this comes from the fact that when Futurama was on the air it trumped the four adjacent seasons of The Simpsons. The Simpsons has continued to nose dive since then but has remained popular leading to the movie version, a more in depth review coming with the release of the DVD I promise. Futurama suffered from not just being The Simpsons and so essentially flopped leading to cancellation before syndication ratings and the Family Guy resurgence led Fox to believe that it should be resurrected. The motivation was in no way about money of course (ahem) but who cares as Futurama's back for the time being.

It would be churlish to compare this to The Simpsons Movie, as I said at the top there, this isn't really a movie at all but four episodes of the same storyline stuck together. Of course this is a weakness of the film. it feels like four episodes with clear cliffhanger moments and changes in plotlines coming very quickly. As a result it's very much like me after Xmas dinner, bloated and fit to burst. There's so much going on, mainly thanks to a time travel plotline that's baffling in its intricacy, coupled with so many nods to previous episodes for the fans, that it's all a bit much to take in at first.

Of course all of those nods are very welcome as a fan. Many a little detail is explained and new perspectives are opened up much like they were in all of those Fry and the Nibblonian episodes. And the storyline is pretty damn good, the extra time gives it a chance to develop in a way that it couldn't have over twenty minutes. Plus every character you want is in there somewhere, in a way where they at least get something, unlike The Simpsons Movie. And most importantly, it's as funny as ever.

No matter the flaws, and the makers admit that they did struggle thanks to having never written a movie before in the DVD commentary, this is Futurama. On other words it's brilliant and will reward many viewings. It serves up everything you could want and any sense of disappointment really comes from the fact that Futurama served up such a high level of quality over its run that four years of expectation could never really be met. In time this will get the credit it deserves and it bodes well for the other movies. Any fears about a canceled show coming back brought on by the fact that Family Guy's been in the main shite since it came back can be put to rest.

The Splice Advent Calender 8/12/07

The Splice Advent Calender 7/12/07

Or I saw my mother getting it on with an older gentleman and he's bought my silence by giving me a Nintendo Wii.

I've Decorated

Yup, I made my own banner. Reassuringly inexpensive to almost quote an old Wife Beater beer advert. As you can tell I'm shite wae the ol' computer but I feel the tinpot nature of the whole endeavor is summed up in one crappy logo!

Also there's a bit for you to subscribe to an email of each post so you never have to look at my face again, unless you know me, then get it right roon ye!

And there's a shiny widget resplendent with tinpot Splice logo. Got to love how sleek it looks with that plastered on the top of it. No idea what the swank fucker does but it sure looks purdy.

oh and the rumours (that I'm starting now) that the slogan for this shitty wee blog is going to be "Splice Up Your Life" are so far unfounded. Unless I give into the cheesiness that so often makes me do bad things.

In the words of Simon Bates in those advice slots at the start of videos from the 80's;

"Thanks for listening".

Big Red

Blades Of Glory

So two men ice skating as a pair. GAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! That appears to be what the pitch for Blades of Glory consisted of. If in doubt about how to make a comedy use a titter inducing sport and feature straight men touching each other. Those young 'uns'll eat it up.

Thing is as bad as I've made Blades Of Glory sound it's actually pretty good. The cast is uniformly excellent combining the manic frenzy of the likes of Will Ferrel and Will Arnett with the straight person shtick of Jenna Fischer and Craig T. Nelson. Add Amy Poehler and that's one hell of a cast. I had one apprehension before viewing though; Jon Heder. At the time he appeared in this there was only Napolean Dynamite. I had to ask whether he'd be a bit like Gretna in the SPL. You can't begrudge him being there because of past achievements and he'll give his all, but ultimately would he be out of his depth amongst the big talent? After watching those fears have been relegated faster then Dunfermline from the First Division (I promise the Scottish fitba euphemisms will now stop). Heder is excellent, and perfect for the role he inhabits. Ferrel is on Anchorman as opposed to Elf form, on other words he's playing the bastard in love with himself. As good as he is in Elf, he saved the whole thing, I much prefer this sort of stuff from him. The thing is Heder may steal the movie from him, purely because we have seen this type of thing from Ferrel before.

Of the other performances husband and wife team Arnett and Poehler are hilarious as the baddies, although a major grumble is definitely that they are not on screen enough, and Nelson is perfectly cast as that ratchety old coach/father figure that's in all montage reliant movies. And credit to Jenna Fischer who has that oh so tough role in these movies of the straight person, there to help the more manic performers along by grounding everything. It's a role she has performed exceptionally well on the American version of the Office for about three years now and it has served her well in this. The straight performances in comedy can often go unnoticed and that's not fair because as I said, in many ways it can be the toughest role.

So far I've focused on the acting in Blades Of Glory and there's a reason for that. As much as the film features some very funny lines and situations, the "high speed" chase near the end is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages, a pursuit that starts off slick and very Hollywood like on ice but quickly descends into farce as Ferrel and Arnett continue on concrete still in their skates, for the most part there's something slightly lacking about the film. The main problem seems to be that while it strives for the zaniness of past Ferrel vehicles nothing in the script really hits those heights. In fact for the most part things are quite straight before a sudden burst of "wacky".

It is a damn funny film worth seeing with some excellent performances but ultimately the uneven tone stops it from being as great as the initial set up suggests.

The Splice Advent Calender 6/12/07

'Tis the season to be jolly!

The Splice Advent Calender 5/12/07

So like a negligent parent Splice presents an advent calender for you five days into December. By "advent calender" I mean a post with some sort of pithy, probably Christmas related thing that I've found on the World Wide InterWebs. Might be a video, a picture, a story or me with nothing on but a stocking (it won't be me with nothing on but a stocking). Here's the first (fifth) "door":



I can't believe it took me this long to think of something this hackneyed! A new post everyday up until that there Christmas Eve.

Black Sheep

And so after nearly two months I have finally gotten hold of a Region 1 copy of "the zombie sheep movie" on DVD.

"Is it meant to be scary?"

Obviously at first glance a movie in which sheep attack would appear to be ridiculous. My thoughts when I first watched the unfinished Toronto Film Festival version was that it was as if the film makers had come up with the idea after watching Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, and in particular that bit with the sheep:



Now the sheep get their revenge!

Of course not quite. The sheep become carnivorous thanks to a bit of genetic engineering, keeping things topical what with Dolly and all that, and set about eating anyone in sight. As I said, it's a ridiculous idea using sheep as your monster unless you think of the context in which they are used. The film was made and set in New Zealand, a place that has 40m sheep compared to about 4m people. If they did attack the human populace would be doomed, kind of like if Midges became lethal killers in Scotia. And in all honesty the other "nature strikes back" movies are just as ridiculous really. Hitchcock made the concept of Seagulls attacking terrifying but if you were presented with the idea for The Birds without knowing what it is you'd probably laugh it off unless you really think about how bad our winged friends attacking could be. And insects attacking isn't really that bad, you can crush them underfoot, yet because of how they look people accept films featuring them as your monster.

Not that director Jonathan King is for a second really taking any of this seriously. He's a director who gets the horror genre, and in particular those splatter comic horrors of the 80's. If he manages to orchestrate a scare then good, but he's probably just as happy if he grosses you out or makes you laugh. He also understands that a sheep being made to look menacing, either by a music cue or a sudden jump cut, is intrinsically hilarious. The fact that by the end of the movie you buy the fact that these things are a real threat to the heroes is testament to King's ability as a director of this sort of thing. Horror buffs will have a field day spotting all the little references to the classics (The Shining, The Birds, Night of the Living Dead, even Shaun of the Dead) twisted nicely thanks to the use of sheep and that quirky Jackson-esque sense of humour that emanates from places like New Zealand, Ireland and Scotland. Essentially it plays like all those great "splatter" horrors (Evil Dead, Re-animator, Slither) in the sense that it does work as a horror movie albeit one with its tongue shoved so far into its cheek that its torn right through. But it also has the charm of the early Jacksons with a more overt sense of humour running through it, like fart gags and the wonderful moment where a sheep drives over a cliff.

Some of the gags feel a little laboured though, such as hippy chick Experience's "far out man" stuff. The acting is also a little ropey at times, as are the effects. Mind you the latter does seem to be in direct reference to the movies that influence this one so in their own hand puppety way they can be quite fun, and the Weta guys appear to be glad to be going back to their roots.

Let's be honest, it's a film about zombie sheep. If the idea doesn't make you laugh then you will hate this. If, on the other hand, your first thought was "I need to see this" then you're obviously the sort of person who will love the gore, bad effects, worse acting and wah-wah-wah jokes. It's what a movie featuring zombie sheep should be all about.

videoGaiden Is Back

The Consolevania boys are back with their BBC show videoGaiden:



In case you're wondering "who?" they done this amazing Halo 3 spoof doing the business on YouToss or whatever it's called:

Mystery Science Theater 3000

So I've just finished watching every episode of Mystery Science theater 3000. That's a great number of episodes. Just shy of two hundred. "What's the big deal?" I hear you ask, and by you I mean the voices in my head. Don't worry, they're helpful. They ask the questions that need asking, or tell me that the jumper I'm wearing makes me look like a nonce. I digress, the big deal lies in the fact that this feat took just shy of two years thanks to a cap placed by me on myself only watching two episodes per week to avoid burnout. You see for those that don't know MST3K, as we in the "biz", and by "biz" I mean we who watch it and aren't actually in any sort of business as such, call it, the show lasts ninety minutes an episode and features a bloke and some puppet robots watching truly awful films. Of course that means anyone watching it is watching someone watch a film that's not very good. I'm not explaining it well but suffice to say it's like a DVD commentary that takes the piss out of movies that deserve to have their urine extracted. And thanks to the awfulness of the movies and the sheer volume of witty one-liners it can become quite exhausting watching it non-stop.

So I started on New Year's Day 2006 and finished on November 14 2007. Eleven seasons worth of bad movies and funny quips. It's a huge undertaking in many ways and something that all fans of the show should do. Why? In a word evolution. It develops an understanding as to how this wonderfully odd show came into being and developed into one of the funniest things ever made. From those baby steps of the KTMA years (Season Zero) as the performers improvise through movies they haven't even watched, fine tuning the type of humour and the characters, through the tentative steps of scripting the show in Season 1 before everything falls into place in Season 2 and sets the show running for the "glory years" (Seasons 3 - 7). Then of course there is the decline that the Sci-fi era (Seasons 8 - 10) exhibits. In these final days it is a show running out of steam, being slowly crushed under the weight of burnout among those with the show, coupled with many losses of important personnel on the way and the inevitability of cancellation.

Watching the show in its entirety and in order reveals things about it. There are the obvious things, such as the break down above of the different eras of the show. Then there are the smaller things, the things that don't lead well to appreciation if it is watched scattered. If you watch the show on a Rhino DVD volume you may come to conclusions such as: Bill's Crow isn't as good as Trace's, Josh's Servo and Larry are terrible, the Mads are awful in the Sci-fi era, Mike is better than Joel. Obviously they are all open to vice-versa. Watching it as it evolves gives you an appreciation of things because you live with them for a time. Josh Weinstein is excellent during his tenure as Servo. He is the funniest at improvising in the theatre and some of the running jokes he creates for Servo (mango juice) are hilarious. Larry is not so great. During KTMA he's tolerable but in Season 1 Josh begins mugging too much and makes the voice higher. His decision to use his own voice for Servo after the Kermit on helium original voice is a relief mind you. Leaping forward to the other puppet change, Bill Corbett is phenomenal as Crow. The decision to play him as if he is now older and grumpy is genius as it matches Bill's voice perfectly. I still prefer Trace's interpretation but Bill's really grows on you on those final months of the marathon. Of note as well are the changes to Trace's Crow. He grows older during his tenure. He starts almost like an infant in the first couple of years before maturing. When watched in order Crow grows up from KTMA - Sci-fi. The Mads in the Sci-fi era are not great, but again when Forrester and Frank are but a distant memory it becomes easier to like what they are doing. As for Joel vs. Mike, they are both excellent in different ways and not only did they bring different characters to the human hosts, they also brought different tones to the show.

The really great thing about watching the evolution of the show is watching a talented group of people find their collective feet and start to produce quality television after a great deal of experimenting to see what works and what doesn't. Comparisons with The Simpsons can be found here. It too has a little seen "season zero" (the Tracy Ullman shorts) and can be seen evolving and changing greatly in its earliest years before hitting its stride and finding a glory period that is pretty much unmatched by any other show. Shamefully when The Simpsons began to run out of steam it kept going (and going, and going, an...).

Of course neither show would be allowed today. Both took an age to find their audiences and iron out the kinks, mainly thanks to the makers doing it their own way as opposed to following notes from the networks they were on. MST3K came along at a perfect time, as did The Simpsons, as there were new networks desperate for content to fill the schedules that they were willing to give a fair chance. These days MST3K would have been canceled quickly. In fact, strike that, it would never have been picked up.

So the big question is, on looking back, what is the best season of MST3K? Very difficult to say but in all honesty every season has something about it to recommend, either thanks to how strong the episodes are or because of interesting developments (KTMA, Season 1, Season 8's host segments, Season 10's first and last episodes). Trying to pick one of the seasons from the glory period is almost impossible as Seasons 3 - 7 are simply brilliant. Season 7 has a 100% strike rate, but then it only has six episodes so it doesn't technically count. At this point the one I wouldn't pick is Season Four, but the reason for this comes out of marathon fatigue. Season Four came at a point where I should have taken about a month off before going into it. I plan to go back and watch the season again by itself after there has been enough time passed after finishing this.

All in all through the wheat and the chaff, and there's plenty of both, for every Cave Dwellers in a season, there's a Castle of Fu Manchu, the complete body is some work and one that deserves to be watched as it was intended. Obviously those first couple of KTMA are missing but if you only need a few episodes to finish your collection then get them and sit down to this. It can be a slog at times but in the end it is well worth it.

And it must be said, this is the greatest show about films ever made, purely because it serves as a great education as to how not to make them!

Next

Philip K. Dick must be going off like a spinning top in that deathbox of his thanks to the amount of crap "based" on his work. Next being based on anything by him is like me saying I based my decision to go to work on Lord Of The Rings because I too embarked on a journey to a predetermined destination to carry out some task. The poor sod.

I don't say the next statement lightly as I tend to go easy on a lot of Hollywood's rubbish fests, but Next may be one of the worst films I've ever seen, and no amount of whatever Jessica's in this in a tight top is going to save it. I'm actually struggling to think of a movie that abandons logic, even its own crazy movie logic, so freely. It's simply abysmal!

So, what's it about? Well from what's still left in my brain after I shoved a rusty hook up my nostril to scrape this chuff out it appears that Nic Cage is at his overacting best as a Vegas magician who can see a whole two minutes into the future. Wow, eh? Some power. Well it is if you're predicting what'll happen to someone on stage two minutes from now. When he gets drafted to avert a nuclear disaster you have to question how two minutes foresight's going to do much, but the FBI are experts in this so I should butt out. Anyway within seconds of this device being set up ol' "crazy eyes" Nic's predicting things right before they happen, such as an armed robbery or the positions of security guards, or looking so far forward he actually predicts the second half of the movie. Don't worry that's not a spoiler, because if you don't spot the shock twist ending then you may too have had a rusty hook up your nasal passage.

Soon Ol' "related to Francis Ford Coppola and that's why he keeps getting all these plumb roles (and this shit one)" Nic's power allows him to split into eighty four versions of himself so he can foresee every possibility of a situation, which seems like a bit of a far step from the "seeing two minutes into the future" thing they started with. Oh and Julianne Moore further destroys her good reputation as the "dependable good actor in uptight official woman" role and there's a bit of a love subplot with Ol' "old" Nic and Jessica Thingy, the one with the big tits, and... I just give up. I don't know what it's about really.

And that's the feeling you get watching this turd. Nobody involved seems to care so why should I? Witness the story career headlong into an abyss of its own making as it continually breaks its own setup whenever the writers get a bit stuck, the really bad CGI (Smallville looks better) or the continuous use of the "oh look he's been killed, oh no wait he just flashed forward to see what'll happen if he drives in front of a (very badly rendered) train" plot device to stand in for any real thrills. Mildly amusing the first time, we don't honestly believe our protagonist has been killed five minutes in so we can afford a little titter, but tedious the thirty fourth time. Like this time is going to be any different just because it's a nuclear holocaust that flits across the screen!

So Next was based on a Dick work. Dick sounds right.

R.I.P. Phil!

Bugger

We lost!

Scotland,Get Intae Em!

Glasgow Gets Commonwealth Games

Huzzah! On yersel big man! The Commonwealth Games will be a great event not only for the city, but Scotland as a whole.

Then I realised, this announcement was today but the games aren't until 2014. Seven years away. We could all be dead, well if movies are to be believed. Terminator 2: Judgment Day says we should all have been obliterated by machines by now. I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm living on borrowed time already.

It'll be some event, if we make it. With all those apocalypses that films have predicted one's got to happen. Movies wouldn't lie to us surely...

Joel Hodgson Is Back!

Lovers of Mystery Science Theater 3000 rejoice! The man who started it all is back with Cinematic Titanic and he's brought some MST3K alumni with him.

With The Film Crew and Rifftrax plus Cartoon Dump, Max The Hero and the launch of an official MST3K site with animated shorts featuring the bots plus the continuing releases of MST3K on DVD this is one hell of a time to be a Mistie!

Cheers to RAD on the MST3K Discussion Board and Satellite News for the info.

WARNING!

WARNING! This following piece contains swearing, ranting and a tirade against hack gorehound filmmakers.

We're all used to these types of warnings these days. Hell it's a surprise bags of chips don't say: "WARNING! contains fat 'n' shit". The powers that be have decided to nanny us and this extends to entertainment. CDs have featured the parental guidance stickers for ages. The back of the Twenty Four Hour Party People (to grab the closest video to me) states:

Language: Some, very strong

Sex/Nudity: Some, moderate

Violence: Infrequent, mild

Other: Sight of hard drug use

A bit more information than a simple guidance sticker, but it also has this on the front cover, the spine and directly above all of this:



On other words you have to be eighteen to watch it. Now if you have to be eighteen then I'd imagine that the film's probably not going to be the Teletubbies. Surely the certification attached to a film should be enough?

But no! Anything and everything that could in any way cause distress is now listed on the movie poster and often before the film at the cinema. the sort of warnings above are fair, if a little overkill, in the sense that they don't really reveal anything that happens in the film beyond shagging, drugs and swearing. If these things offend you don't watch. But when the warnings contain sentences like "WARNING! Contains human flaying, a particularly nasty eyeball thing and decapitation by clever device" it kind of ruins Saw part 84 before you've seen it. The thing is if I'm watching Saw part 84 (don't laugh it could happen unless the world ends seventy nine years from now) I know it's going to contain this stuff. It's marketed as a gory torture filled horror and it's been tagged as an '18' which means it isn't going to pussyfoot around the violence angle. "But what if it contains nudity or swearing?" a person who eats their own hair may ask. Yes because in a film like this, they're the elements that will cause offense. "The melted eyeball being cut off with a pair of rusty scissors then the gaping wound oozing puss didn't bother me, but when it happened she screamed "fuck!" I was pure aghast I tell you". Fuck off. If I'm watching a film called the Texas Chainsaw Massacre I expect it to be set in Texas and there to be a massacre involving chainsaws in some way. If not I personally would feel short changed. What I don't need is to be told that a film with that name starting at midnight on TV that's notorious and an '18' certificate "may include scenes that viewers find distressing". OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOES!

But it's not just the 84 Saw movies and all those Rob Zombie arsefests (get back to making shite music instead of shite films, gore does not equal scary fuckwit (and that goes to you too Eli Roth, although not the music bit, unless you were in a band in college or something, then in that case aye) (deep breath) no, the warnings appear before kid's films too. Kid's films. Those fluffy innocent clouds of cotton poo have warnings before them, just in case your little darlings get all scaredy waredy. "WARNING! Contains mild peril". Mild peril. Oh God, no. Imagine witnessing mild peril. What does that even entail? A footchase a la Point Break but the characters are only playing tig? When I was young, as in a kid, I watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark, a 'PG' certificate, that includes a man's face melting off, while his mate's head explodes! As peril goes that's way beyond mild.

When I was a kid it seemed that all films aimed at me contained something that would get the film a '15' these days. These things are fun in a kid's film. Obviously these films should be a 'PG' but that should be enough to tell parents that they need to maybe check the film first. Slapping "WARNING! Contains melting face" kind of buggers the ending of Raiders. Shamefully instead it seems that audiences are going to be nannied more and more. I'm sure, and I hope I'm correct so I'm not making it up but equally I hope I'm wrong, I've actually seen a warning along the lines of "WARNING! Contains nothing that may cause offense". Now that's reassuring.

Happy Halloween

Yeah I know it isn't till Wednesday, but many will be celebrating it this weekend so here's a wee link to a list of what this lot consider the 100 scariest moments in film. Most come with attached video so you can poo your pants!

Thanks to Captain Hygiene on the MST3K forum for the heads up!

And here's a scary video so you really do fill your drawers with the brown stuff!

Things Learned From The Movies Part 1

How To Meet Women...

First spot an attractive woman you would like to embark in the act of copulation with. Next approach her and before you can say "hello" drop your keys or a doughnut, anything will do really unless it's a big wedding cake or something equally as splatterable, in front of her.

Now I know what you're thinking. Surely she should drop something then you show off how much a gentleman you are. Sure that's the scenario in an ideal world but you'd have to follow her around waiting for her to drop it and she'd probably think you're a stalker, not the best approach.

No, drop the thing yourself. When she stoops to pick it up make sure you stoop too. Then as she reaches for it stick the heid in her. If you fail to break her nose then she should laugh about it. Love shall surely blossom.

Thank you movies for teaching us how meeting women is possible.

The Movie Titles That Lie Part 2

Troll 2

A film that isn't a sequel to the abysmal eighties cheesefest Troll. That's bad enough of a lie but it also isn't about trolls. The monsters are bloody Goblins! Mind you it does involve the greatest clue as to what's going on in a movie ever. The town where it's set is called "Nilbog". See if you can work out that doozy.

And So It Comes To This - Those Endings Where You Say To Yourself "It Was Building Up To That?" Part 2

Spiderman 3

Not exactly the ending as such but the end of Venom.

For what feels like days the black symbiont is built up. "Ooooh look Peter's gone all dark physically and mentally. There's Eddie Brock. He's Venom right? Or maybe he's not. Seems to be taking a while."

Then he turns into him. It's cool as fuck. "Huzzah!"

Then the fandan gets beaten in two seconds by loud noise. I could've fuckin' beaten him with my own arse trumpets. Bloody jip this superhero nonsense.

The Movie Titles That Lie Part 1

The Thing That Couldn't Die

In which it does.

Mario Bros.

This video's even funnier than that shitfest starring Bob Hoskins as everyone's favourite racial stereotype games character:



(In honour of me finally buying a DS)

Fido

So you've cast The Big Yin Billy Connolly in your film, a man renowned for his vocal abilities and broad Scottish accent, and you don't want him to utter a single line throughout the movie. Disastrous decision? Turns out no.

Fido's an interesting little movie. Like Shaun Of The Dead it's a zombie film that places it's action somewhere a bit different. In Fido's case the setting is an alternative 50's America where the war fought the decade before was in fact the events of Romero's Night of the Living Dead. As we come in the situation's similar to Land of the Dead in the sense that the human race are walled into various cities which are surrounded by wasteland filled with the walking dead. Whereas in Land the city was a corrupt vice filled shithole, the setting for Fido is the sort of old fashioned American suburb where everything appears to be perfect, but inevitably the surface ideal is deceiving. The major difference between Fido and, say, the middle time-line in The Hours (you know, the Julianne Moore one, or the one without homosexual guilt or fake noses) is that man has harnessed the wonderful power of zombie thanks to brain modifying technology and any unlucky enough to have been caught in the war are now the bottom feeders of society. No respectable household can be seen not to have at least one as a servant.

And that's where we meet the Robinsons. Mum Helen (Carrie Ann Moss) is the sort of stereotypical 50's movie housewife in that all she cares about are appearances. As such she acquires a solitary zombie servant (the Big Yin), all the family can afford. This causes anxiety in Father Bill (Dylan Baker) who hates zombies and who's only dream in life is to be able to afford funerals for the whole family in which their heads are buried in separate coffins to avoid coming back for seconds. Son Timmy is delighted as he has no friends. Thus starts a touching friendship, much like those found in Lassie films or any of those TV shows that feature an animal with a name that points out what type of animal it is (Skippy, Flipper, er, Woof!). The only thing that could go wrong is Fido (the best name for a zombie ever?) eating one of the neighbours...

Shamefully Fido's never quite as funny as the initial setup suggests it's going to be. It's actually quite gentle in tone. Most of the humour is quirky, observational stuff based on the genres being melded together. That doesn't stop it being a good little film, it just doesn't quite reach the heights you might expect it to. There is a lot to love, the little visual touches such as Death! magazine, and the performances from the leads are excellent. Carrie Ann Moss shows she can do domestic goddess and humourous while Dylan Baker, you'll know who he is when you see him, is wonderfully paranoid. But it's the Big Yin's film. He doesn't have a line yet he is hilarious throughout, showing those acting chops like he did in Mrs. Brown. This time he has to convey everything through facial expressions and grunts, so in some ways it's an even better performance than that one. Oh, and he's scary as hell when he goes bad.

The thing is most people it seems will not see Fido. At the point of writing no release date has been set in the UK. It's a shame because it deserves to be seen. It may not be an almighty shakeup of the zombie genre, or a laugh riot, but it is a genuinely interesting film that will definitely find a cult following. And it would be a great shame if the Big Yin's performance was missed.

Lies The Film Industry Told Us

And so with the passing of Summer 2007, in regards to the weather I'm still waiting on the arsehole starting, it has been revealed that cinema going is booming, especially in the UK:

Lovely news story with ridiculously large URL

Another lovely little news story

Pretty much the same story a third time over (I'm covering the bases here)

Looks like the doom and gloom from the film industry about illegal downloading killing them is as pish as the idea that TV and VHS would hump them out of existence in the 50's and 80's respectively. Remember, when big businesses claim to be losing money, what they really mean is that they made less than before. They are still turning multi-billion profits. Maybe films would turn more profit if they didn't cost so much, or they were good!

Of course the real reason for films flopping could be down to women having the audacity to actually be cast in leading roles:

Nothing like some casual sexism, eh?

Props to XerxesTheCat in the MST3K Discussion Board for bringing attention to that story.

Xmas Adverts

And so on the 9th October 2007 I saw the first Xmas advert on the telly!

IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Even more alarming is what the advert for Xmas trips to Disneyland suggests. In the small print reads that the Xmas period lasts from 10th November to 6th January. Great! Now Disney are dictating how long Xmas should last. The festive period not long enough? No worries if you're a big corporation, just make up your own dates.

Rumours are still unconfirmed that Easter 2008 will last from 7th January to 9th November.

Happy Xmas everyone!

A Wee Film

In response to Ruud's post about film's being too long here's a wee video showing how it should be done:

Modern Films: Why so long?

This has been doing my tits in for ages, picture the scene, you pick up a DVD, it looks alright, i think i will watch it, turn it over, 131minutes, 131 minutes! for fucks sake, how can it go on for 131minutes!

Films are just too long these days, and i am not talking about epics and big budget things that are supposed to, i dont want an edited version of Once Upon A Time in America or anthing, a shortened Godfather. No, no no no no NO! But even still, i do think that editing has became the lost art of modern filmaking. And its not just me, Quentin Tarantino says this may be the reason that Grindhouse didint succeed at the box office; why would people want to part with their precious time for two movies in the one showing, that could be like four hours, however having seen Grindhouse that isnt the case but the people who are planning to see it dont know tha do they? this is because every films, well drama or seriouys films sees itself to nessecitate 2hours plus, and comedy, they eek out two hours regular now.

I dont think i am explaining myself well here, The DVD in question is Coach Carter, Samuel L. Jacksons film which i bought in a certain megastores sale on monday, this megastores sale isnt actually up to much this time, its the one that has or certainly had an iconic dog and a gramaphone thing happening a while ago, incidentally is that still the case, i am not so sure now, probably is. anyway, i digress (get used to it) i purchased Coach Carter to watch that night, so its about ten o'clock, football is finished so i pick it up and check the run time, 131minutes, for fuck sake, that doesnt include the time it takes for me to get all tat fucking plastic shit off it plus as its a Paramount DVD they have the language thing that you never realise comes up until you come in and it hasnt moved ont to films own menu, a real pet hate of mine.

Lets not be hasty here, its a good film, i actually really enjoyed it and watched it all in one sitting, a we minor miracle for me to be honest, or possibly not, i actually now watch loads in one sitting. in fact i watch almost everything this way, no, i remember now, my new sign for a good film isnt if i can watch it in a one-ah its if you dont check your watch for a while, thats the new touchstone for something that grabs your attention and holds it, ie a good film. In truth, i am a sports freak and most sports films grab my attention, Major League, best sports film ever (thats a comedy, i must add) Raging Bull otherwise (sports plus editing, i like it even more!) Alas more digression, the film is good, high school basketball, run down area, inspirational coach, teenage hijinks, strong message about futures of disenchanted youths, check check check check all the usual stuff is there plus some good performances, Samuel L. Jackson in particular. Is it just me or does Samuel L. Jackson just play his Pulp Fiction character in everything now, before that he didint, i dont remeber a big Jules Winnfield presence in Loaded weapon 1 or any other pre Pulp films, so is it Sam Jackson playing Jules Winnfield playing Coach Carter or is that really him, i have confused myself a bit here, if you understand it, then you understand it if you dont, then fine, but look out for it ya hear! back tot he film however and how it fits into this runtime idea, it has some bits throught the middle that are played to death, we get it, they are thick, its just overcooked in parts, and i am not even talking about cutting loads, maybe just 15minutes, and to be honest i wouldnt even be cheeky enought to say what to get cut specifically, just in general its too long.

anyway back to my explanation of why films getting longer irritates me, also the irony is not lost on me that i am singling out the lack of good editing in over long cinematic pieces when i am rambling line after line of useless pap here, i know full well that it could be cut down and said in less words but i feel i am on aroll and also, this isnt doing me out of money in the way a hollywood film would so leve it, just leave it! I just think that it would be nice if Hollywood got back to shorter films that have the same impact, comedies used to be 80 to 100 minutes, thats fine, you dont feel as if your giving up a lifetime just to watch a film, and good action film was slightly longer, 110 minutes for example, Bad Boys II is the first thing sadly that jumps to mind for that, too bloody long. anyway you get the idea.

it reverbarates onto your personal life in other ways too, say you havbent seen it and it gets to commercial television, to watch it with ad breaks can take up to three hours, three fucking hours, for BAd Boys II (again, first thing i thought of) its like the days of the monday night LYNX movie, or diet coke, i remember them sponsoring it too, same runtime only the news isnt flung in the middle!

so lets hope it gets cut down a bit, give us viewers a wee chance, long run times in my opinion, ably backed up Quentin, or is that the other way around, denyed us the Brits of seeing Grindhouse in its proper manner, so what next, regular film watchers arent intereste in arthouse epics about nothing and want films to fit into our lifestyles which are usually busy. i really want to end this with a "come on Hollywood, get it sorted kind of ending but as they will never read it it seems fucking stupid to do that, so instead i will thank you all for struggling through my poor spelling and punctuation and basically guddling through my 2hour comedy film type, Coach Carteresque blog.

cheers

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Pre-Black Sheep Fever

I'm not reviewing the zombie sheep gore-a-thon as the version I've seen was incomplete. Lots of unfinished effects and no music so I'd rather see the finished article before writing anything more. What I have seen was very promising that the spirit of early Peter Jackson is not dead.

Here's the trailer:



When that played before Superbad a lassie asked "is that meant to be scary?" If you are asking the same thing then don't bother seeing this, you won't get it.

Oh and if you think the premise is ridiculous, is it anymore so than a flock of seagulls attacking you? Think about it, won't you?

Superbad

Or, the Seth Rogen show keeps on rolling. Not only is he in the film but he wrote it as well. I either deeply love this man or hate him with a vengeance thanks to unrelenting jealousy! Nah it's the former.

Superbad's your usual high school losers trying to get their Nat King before they leave for college film, so far so done in that one where the guy rides a pie. The strengths of Superbad lie in ignoring the done to death setup and just savouring the little things. The constant stream of witty one-liners bouncing between the characters (very Apatowian (is that a word? IT IS NOW!)), the absurd set pieces, like the best fanny blood scene you're ever likely to see, the whole drawing penises back story (Mr. T cock anyone?). And of course McLovin.

Ah McLovin. Your usual loser nerd who thinks he's the dug's haw maws so he changes his name from Fogell to that because he actually thinks it's cool. You've seen the type of character before but McLovin is rendered utterly brilliant by first timer Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who's name even suggests drippy nerd. The way he looks and moves and speaks screams pathetic loser, and yet he's the coolest character in the film thanks to his utter, at first mis-placed, sense of self-belief. His B-story is finer than the let's try and get some booze and score A-story. But this isn't entirely thanks to McLovin, but also the movie's second greatest creation - the loser cops, played by Rogen and SNL's Bill Hader. Here we have two guys who's initial instinct to being issued with a gun is to shoot it at anything and everything. Their misadventures with McLovin as they get hammered and try to actually police is one of the funniest storylines in who knows how long.

That's not to say that the A-story with Seth and Evan isn't brilliant as well. It may be riddled with cliches in the actual plotting, they end up at an older person's party riddled with violence and drugs while trying to find booze to take to a high school party where they will attempt to lose their virginity before graduating, but the events within are inspired. Like Rogen's mentor Apatow it balances grossout with heart. For every run of dick and great Mum tits jokes there's also explorations of what happens to friendship when academic achievement gets in the way or why hot girls won't go for the fat guy. And it's all played well by Knocked Up's Jonah Hill (another in the unfortunate face not getting in the way of Hollywood success a la Rogen school) and Arrested Development's Michael Cera (one of the finest awkward reactors in the business).

So, is it better than Knocked Up? Difficult to say. Knocked Up has more laughs but Superbad is more tightly scripted. The setpieces are better and it enjoys an ideal comedy running time, whereas Knocked Up pushed it a little. Both are definitely the funniest films of the year so far and ones that will be well served by DVD. I have to watch both again before making a decision though. Either way, summer of 2007 belongs to one man, but since Jason Bourne's fictional I'll give it to Seth Rogen for some stellar work in two movies. Shamefully things will actually be expected of him now which usually leads to the inevitable mis-fire. Fingers crossed it doesn't.

Knocked Up

Or the movie that gives hope to overweight, ugly guys (not me, I'm gorgeous. What's that face for, cheeky prick?) that they too can pump a hot blonde with cracking front bags with only the help of alcohol. Of course it's wish fulfillment on the scale of Flight Of The Navigator or The Goonies and the plot's pure fantasy (as touchy as the subject can be in America she probably would have had the baby aborted). But then that's what movies are all about so bugger logic and let's judge it based on what it's meant to do; make us laugh.

And it does. Knocked Up's got that loose feel that 40 Year Old Virgin had. Most of the dialogue's improvised by a group of performers who clearly all click with each other, either because of friendship or because they are some of the best comic actors in the business. Even that ride from Grey's Anatomy does the business, even if this is new territory for her. The rest of the cast is made up of Apatow regulars and Saturday Night Live alumni. And then there's Seth Rogen.

Ah Seth. The man may well be set to become the hottest thing in Hollywood, yet he's got a face like fizz and a gut on him. The fact that he is so hot is reason to celebrate. He's done it through talent. He doesn't have the looks usually required to get to the top nor is he freakish looking, the old freak show way of making it. He's an average guy who can act, write and is funny. That's it. We should all be thankful for him.

His performance in Knocked Up is great, as is Paul Rudd's (maybe the finest of the comic actors cutting about Hollywood right now with Steve Carell, not bad for the bloke who pumped Alicia Silverstone in Clueless) but he's an attractive man so he deserves to be shunned in favour of the ugly talent. The rest of Rogen's group are played by a collection of people from Apatow's failed TV shows Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared, as well as the bloke who looks like a younger, uglier Seth Rogen from Superbad. They provide most of the best lines, with a running joke about Martin Starr's facial hair being particularly brilliant.

Of course like 40 Year Old Virgin the movie's a bit long and could certainly have been trimmed, a number of the scenes contribute to the narrative in no way whatsoever, but when you hear the lines that these guys come up with in some of the situations you begin to realise why Apatow was loathe to cut them. Still it could have done with a little trimming to tighten things up a bit.

That said it is easily the funniest film of the year so far. It may work on a slightly ridiculous premise and be narratively flawed but it is excellently played and hilarious. And it heralds the coming of the anti-Cruise, the anti-Pitt, the anti-(insert preening wank's name here) in the slightly flabby shape of Rogen. The fact that his face is being used to sell a movie should be enough for us all to rejoice!

A New Kid in Town

hi!

WE WON!

As this video will tell you:




And here's the goal:

France - Ecosse 0-1 Mc Fadden
Uploaded by lilmarcus

Ooh la la indeed Mr. French commentator blokey!

Mon The Scots

Some videos proving that we are great! Get it up the French tonight boys!

Videos

And so I've started embedding some videos in older posts on the site. Go have a look at them. Some even might be humourous! I'll have a go at filming myself on my phone soon I think!

Indy 4 Title

According to the official Indiana Jones Website the name of the new Indiana Jones film is;

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Looks like my prediction, Indiana Jones and the Island of Misfit Toys, wasn't quite so stupid after all!

And speaking of toys...

Great* Lines From The Movies *Interpretations of "great" may differ from mines, Part 5

"The Wolfman's got nards!"

Horace makes a discovery in the greatest film ever made to feature a conversation about a werewolf's nether regions The Monster Squad.

Bourne Ultimatum

Quick recap for those uninitiated in the Bourne universe: sweaty Matt Damon kicks fuck outta some blokes in various European cities. Oh, and there's some sort of CIA conspiracy in there somewhere or something. Think there's something about something that sounds like a make of tyre or something.

Anyway, the Bourne films, or the films that made Matt Damon into someone you don't want to punch square in the dish. Basically the first two are, two word quick review of earlier installments coming up, FUCKIN GREAT! I even used big shouty capitol letters to show you how much i enjoy them, and swearing for that matter.

So part three begins directly where Supremacy left off, so I'm not going to ruin anything by telling you the plot, it's a lazy way to eat up words anyway. If you haven't seen the first two, probably thanks to some snobbish notion that you'll never watch a Matt Damon film unless Clooney and an international oil conspiracy plot are present, then you need to to get a grip and get them watched. After that go and see this.

It's simply brilliant. I'm not even going to think of some clever way of describing it. It's one long chase, tense as fuck throughout. The set pieces are stunning, mainly thanks to the lack of big effects. Thanks to director Paul Greengrass, he of United 93 and that Stephen Lawrence docu-drama, things are kept grounded in reality, with the presence of that shaky handheld camera technique that threatens to give you a fit. Everything has that feel that it's been shot on the hoof with events half shown as the cameraman turns to capture a split second too late. It's the reason that Bourne appeals to many people that hate blockbusters, that and the tyre company plot, even though the thing really does play like one. As I said the set pieces are stunning, as they have been throughout the series with a rooftop footchase in Morocco being Ultimatum's highlight. In the previous two it was car chases, this one doesn't even try to top them, giving up it's car chase in Blues Brothers fashion very quickly as if to say "no even gonnae try mate."

I'm actually struggling to find much to fault about this film. Julia Styles is a bit bland, but then that's what she specialises in so it's probably why she's here. Beyond that only the aforementioned camera style jumps out as a flaw. It can be a real headache to watch, especially on a big screen and let's be honest shaking a camera and finding your frame in the middle of a shot have been done to death in the attempt to present cinema as reality. And anyway reality doesn't feature editing or background music. At least it doesn't look as contrived as the old NYPD Blue style. That's not to say the style doesn't work, it's just that it could do with a bit of toning down that's all.

As I said I'm finding it hard to fault this film. Easily the best film of the Summer season, and probably the year so far. It wouldn't be shocking to find that still to be the case when New Year calls. Who would have thought that about a Matt Damon blockbuster only a couple of years ago eh?

Headline Animators

Grab the one at the side of the page, or there's a bigger one down the bottom and pop it in your email signature, myspace page or blog page. Haven't worked out how to do it on Bebo yet shamefully but basically you can put those fancy wee links anywhere that allows HTML. Huzzah!

Coming soon! Movie introductions to reviews, maybe. We'll see if ma phone's up to the job but thought I may as well since Blogger now allows you to embed your own vids!

Surf's Up

Surf's Up is a computer animated film about talking penguins who surf. That line is enough for most people to stab themselves in the eye lest they have to actually sit through the thing thanks to the young kids in their lives forcing them to take them for 85 minutes of skull crushing torture that is unfunny fart gag after unfunny seagull shitting on someone's head gag (that was a long, clumsy sentence and I apologise profusely for it, just like the fact that i now apologise for prolonging said long sentence with this pointless insert about how long it is and apologising for its length). Of course Pixar are to blame for this sad state of affairs. They raised our expectations that kid's films could be genuinely brilliant. The fact that their films were computer animated was inconsequential. They simply were brilliant, leading to people going to see them in their millions. Inevitably the money men sensed a new fad. Before you could find Nemo traditional animation wings were shut and the swarm of run-of-the-mill fuzzy creature kid pish came forth, the only difference with these films were the 3-D graphics. For a while the public bought it, it's all shiny and new so it must be good. Or the George Lucas approach to filmaking. Quickly though came the realisation that it's all the same old guff just flashier. Soon animation will come full circle and the biggest craze will feature a couple of matchstick men staring at each other. No narrative, just staring. And the public will lap it up, because it looks so different.

Surf's Up will suffer thanks to this situation. And that is a great shame. It's a pretty excellent little film in all honesty. Its masterstroke lies in something that is no great innovation, unless you choose to do it in a computer animated film about surfing penguins - make it a mockumentary. As such there's a laid-backed feel to Surf's Up completely at odds with its seemingly manic set-up. The dialogue feels improvised as characters speak directly to camera.

This helps further with the almost stoner air at work and alot of that is down to the cast. The makers have taken the Pixar approach, casting really good actors who's voices may ring a bell so that the animated characters are just that, characters. You care about them thanks to the likes of Shia LeBouf, James Woods and The Dude himself Jeff Bridges. Honestly, did you give a flying rat's buttock about any of the characters in A Shark's Tale? No. Who cares if Will Smith's in it, he's pish in just about everything and just because he can carry I, Robot at the box office doesn't mean he's a good voice talent. And don't get me started on De Niro further destroying his reputation for a little bit of cash. When a Woods turns up it's because he actually has experience doing cartoon voice acting. Bridges is simply doing a kiddie reprise of the Big Lebowski, so in other words he's brilliant.

The mockumentary set-up also helps with much of Surf's Up's humour. Many a joke is derided from the realisation that cameras are present, or through documentary editing techniques such as the filmmakers obliging when Cody boasts that they will want to show his first ride again and again. Also the fate of Cody and Chicken Joe's fathers represented in photo form provide two of the most laugh out loud things I've seen in a long time, and I laugh like a bloody trumpet on a daily basis! as I said, the mockumentary framing is nothing new in itself but when applied in this context it becomes incredibly fresh, as does the computer animated film thanks to it. Shamefully we'll probably see quite a few like this now, of inferior quality.

Don't get me wrong, Surf's Up isn't in any way perfect. The plot is also nothing new, but unlike the framing this is not a good point. You'll see the twists coming a mile off, but then this is for kids so I wouldn't get all smug about that fact. Also it's probably the only major grumble with the film, and how often do you really find an original plot?

Surf's Up's strengths lie elsewhere. It's a computer animated kids film that isn't out to razzle-dazzle you with incredible visuals, although they are very nice, especially the use of hand-held camera in a computer-generated world. Instead it's a film willing to pull you into its world and let you become attached to its characters, all the while charming you with its humour. This is why it's sad that Surf's Up will be vastly overlooked by most as it stands above most films this year, computer animated kiddie fair or not. You could blame it on Pixar, or just the unoriginal toss that followed in their wake. Either way, Surf's Up deserves better.

A Good Idea?

After seeing the trailers before Transformers for the end of the summer mini-blockbusters a thought struck me. How great would it have been to be present at the meeting where a movie executive said this:

"Film-goers don't want to see a movie about giant robots kicking the crap out of each other. What they really want is to see John Travolta in a fat suit and a dress".

Child Cruelty

So I've just read that actor and master sauce lord Paul Newman has donated $5000 to a Michigan school so the kids can come here to Scotland on a trip. At first I thought, "what a good guy" but then I realised, Scotland. That cruel bastard! those poor weans!

Euro's Finest Pan Bread

And so Antonoinionionioni and Bergman have popped it. Film snobs everywhere must be greetin into their crab puffs. I haven't seen any broadsheet newspaper since, but I'm guessing that somewhere there will be a drawing of Bergman meeting death from The Seventh Seal. Not saying these things are predictable but, well I am. They'll both be missed, I mean who else is going to provide a 10 hour film wae the word "fanny" in the title now? I doubt the Scottish porn industry's up to it.

Transformers

The summer of films that are way better than they ought to be continues with the eighties cartoon made (CGI) flesh by ultimate big blowy uppy thingy director Michael Bay.

What does Bay have against our senses? All of his films love to assault them, well two, sight and hearing. If a movie assaults touch, taste or smell then it's just plain wrong/brilliant depending on your point of view. Seriously though, walking out of one of his films leaves you feeling like someone's slashed at your eyeballs with rapid jumpcuts and stood next to you clattering a metal bin with a stick. And Transformers may well be his, if not cinema's, slashiest, bin clatteringist movie yet.

It's visually stunning, big robots shifting between being big robots and motors, big explosions, Megan Fox, crumbling buildings and John Tutorro in his underwear. It's enough to make your eyes melt. Storyline? Something about a pair of glasses, a cube and a geek trying to get off wae a hot bird. And there's some army guys. And some computer hackers. Did I mention the big robots?

Storyline and logic are of no importance in a movie like Transformers. Many may moan about that but let's be honest, it would have just got in the way of big robots fighting. What little there is almost does thanks to a bit too much human screentime. Thankfully the robot effects, especially the transformations, are pretty damn brilliant.

Many a person would call this sort of movie "dumb". They may have a point on some level, but that's ignoring how well crafted the overall thing is. it's actually very clever, because it gives you exactly what you want if you've paid to see Transformers - big robots kicking shit out of each other. Who gives a flying fuck if the story's mince or you don't learn anything from it? If I want to watch a film that teaches me something about the human condition then I'll watch an Ang Lee film. If I don't really feel like that then give me giant robots that double as cars wrecking a city just because it happened to be in the way of their little scuffle. If that makes me dumb then so be it. it doesn't make the movie dumb though.

Don't get me wrong, it has its faults. The aforementioned lack of robots for a good chunk of the opening half of the movie, apart from the comic relief baddie Frenzy and Bumblebee in car form, is a bit disappointing after the initial Blackout attack on an army base. It whets the appetite but it's a good while until the main course truly arrives with the rest of the Autobots. Also Megatron's barely in it. And when the metallic arse kicking starts it can often become confusing as to what's actually happening. The director's at fault there. And what is Bay's obsession with framing people in silhouette in front of a setting sun? Seriously, you'd swear that everyone in a single scene was, even if they're at opposite ends of a field facing each other.

Apart from those minor grumbles Transformers is typical (very) enjoyable summer fare. Don't expect too much from it and it'll deliver. The film's further proof that summer 2007 is actually a bit good compared to the last few. Also it becomes another Michael Bay film that it's acceptable to like, along with The Rock and the first Bad Boys.

The actual trailer:

The Host

When it comes to Asian filmmaker's original approaches to steadfast and supposedly sucked dry genres, especially horror, you have to ask what's in the water out there. Turns out it's a giant mutant tadpole thing.

The host is not going to be to everyone's taste. What has been marketed as a straight forward monster movie involving people wandering around a sewer seemingly being picked off one by one by a creature turns out to be a very much different film. In the same way as Jaws isn't really a horror but a buddy drama set against the hunting of a killer shark, The Host is a family drama/slapstick comedy/political thriller set against the hunting of a giant mutation that's appeared in the Han river.

The film centres on one Korean family as they battle the creature, the state and their own loser tendencies to find the youngest member of the family, taken by the creature in a wonderful opening set piece. That search may be what doesn't sit well with some viewers. This is mainly because the proper structure of this type of movie is thrown up in the air, and it seems that the film was then put together by how they landed. Anything you expect from a monster movie may actually happen, it's just that it probably won't be where you expect it, or it'll be in the middle of some bizarre scene involving people over-acting their sorrow and falling about everywhere.

The slapstick nature of the earlier scenes feels strained, like they were inserted just so the makers could claim another genre was a part of the mash-up, but the other elements add to an unpredictability that makes the film feel fresh, even though in reality it's really just yet another monster movie with some social comment thrown in. But what for some will be the strength of The Host will no doubt be the major stumbling block for others.

Die Hard 4.0

Right, let's get through this review without saying "yippee kay-ay motherfucker!". Fuck and bugger. Oh well, now that that's out of the way onward and upward.

John McClaine, he's like that tough bastard frae your local. You know the one, he sits in the corner with a face that looks like fizz and it's pretty clear that his head would break a baseball bat if you attacked him with one. If you tried to glass him he'd probably eat the glass. Well replace the glass with a fighter plane and you've got an idea how hard McClaine is. Just give him a huge truck and a bridge and he'll take it out nae bother.

Let's be honest, this could have been utter baws. Bruce returning to his one bankable franchise after twelve years and adding in a junior sidekick, a daughter in peril and a ton of 24-ish techno babble could have been a recipe for disaster, especially when you add in the fact that Bruce ain't young enough for Demi anymore. The fact that it isn't is maybe the greatest surprise of the summer. The fourth Die Hard's the fuckin' nuts!

Bruce is still the man, no matter what age he is. He could show most of today's action heroes a thing or two, although not Matt Damon as Bourne, he's just as much the man as Bruce as McClaine is. Thankfully everyone involved seems to have realised this and as such "get" what the Die Hard films are all about. John McClaine's your average workaday hero, thrust into situations he little understands but ultimately gets the better of because he has to. He has to be the hero. That's what made him different from all the other eighties action flick heroes. He was never the hero by choice. That and he wasn't some musclebound dolt able to take out the entire Soviet Union with only the gun turret from a passing helicopter he's just brought down with his teeth. Through the way Bruce played him he was emotional, cared about the plight of those he was trying to save and could be identified with by any normal person watching the Die Hard films. His enemies were always smarter, better organised and better fighters. Because of that McClaine would get the shit kicked out of him, and he'd bleed. He was up against it, but somehow proved to be invincible in the end, overcoming those smarmy bastards with sheer pluck.

It's those characteristics that remain in Die Hard 4.0 even with all the modern improvements. To move McClaine along with the times he has to deal with cyber terrorism this time round. He also has the young computer geek for a sidekick. The fact that neither of these is a bad thing is more down to McClaine than the thing themselves. The plotline certainly is one of those frightening "it could really happen 'cos of all the computers" types, but by adding in a cynical old bastard that doesn't understand any of it and sets out to simply batter the baddie makes it all pretty fun. As for the sidekick, what could have been a hackneyed replacement of Samuel L. Jackson's angry black racist turns into a great sparring partner for McClaine purely because they are polar opposites.

This attempt to update while playing up to McClaine's character also proves to be at the centre of 4.0's shortcomings. Obviously the set-pieces are more spectacular than ever to the point that the whole McClaine gets through thanks to instinct and an uncanny ability not to die no matter what is thrown at him becomes just a tad ridiculous. See the aforementioned fighter jet, heavy truck, collapsing bridge sequence for a perfect example. Also by having a cyber terrorism plot the baddies are all geeks, apart from the now stock shaggable bird that can kick McClaine's arse till he uses a 4x4 to take her out character. As good an actor as Timothy Olyphant is at the end of the day he's playing a techy geek, who might be smarter than McClaine but could never take him in a fist fight. Sure neither could Hans from the original film but he was as intriguing a character as McClaine, especially played with such hammy relish by Alan Rickman. Sadly Olyphant's Gabriel is more along the lines of Die Harder's villain, Col. Stuart, just not fun enough to get a kick out of. And Stuart could batter McClaine.

So the baddie's a bit forgettable and it's a tad over the top, plus there's no white vest, but apart from those slight missteps Die Hard 4.0's a worthy installment in what must be the finest series of action films ever. And Bruce still rocks the shit, as his young sidekick might say, but he most certainly wouldn't.

The Simpsons Movie

Like I need to tell you this is brilliant. You've been waiting for like fifteen years for it so you've either already seen it or you're going to no matter what anyone says so just go and laugh like a trumpet, okay?

Debate point: is it better than the South Park movie?