The Spliceys 2008: The Last But Best Awards of the Year (unofficially)

The red carpet has been laid. Okay it's a rug. And it's brown. Look there are no stars here anyway because it's...



We'll dive right in with the big awards because at the Spliceys they're the boring ones you want to get done first, kind of like the technical ones at the Oscars.

Film of the Year: There Will Be Blood

I think it is fair to say that since it came in 2nd on Reds list and 4th on Ruud's list of the best films they/we saw in 2008 that Paul Thomas Anderson's film can be installed as the Splice Film of the Year. it narrowly beat of challenges from The Dark Knight, In Bruges and No Country for Old Men.

Best Director: The Coens

Two films in 2008 means that the Coens are shoe ins for the Splice Award of best Director of 2008. Its not the fact that they are genuine heroes of Splice or even the fact that they had two films out that gets it, its the fact that they had two films out and both are fantastic peices of cinema, the actors may have changed but the genius remains the same.

Best Horror: The Orphanage

Not a horror per se but rather a wonderfully told ghost story with the old "it may all be in their heads" angle. Another gem from the Spanish who seem to shit this stuff out on a regular basis.

Best Comedy: In Bruges

Offensive, silly, hilarious, gripping and bloody clever. More award winning play writes should make the transition to cinema.

Best Sci-Fi / Fantasy / Superhero: The Dark Knight

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Best movie ever...Heath Ledger...stupid voice...Imax...whatever. The Dark Knight's still one helluva film no matter what.

Best Acting (to keep Ferne Britton happy there will be no gender split in the acting awards in case she cries like a wee girl): Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood



Best Actress (apparently Ferne Britton doesn't give a toss): Elizabeth Banks, Zack And Miri Make A Porno

Elizabeth Banks is great. How great? Well she managed to pull herself through Meet Dave without killing all the respect that starring in Slither and shoving a shower head up her fud in 40 year Old Virgin had brought her in this neck of the woods. In Zack And Miri she is not only adorable to look at but also manages to convince us that a woman like her would do a guy like Seth Rogen, willingly. So that's Elizabeth Banks, giving ugly guys hope that they can ride a bird that looks like Elizabeth Banks.

Best Film Poster: Zack and Miri Make A Porno

A picture speaks a thousand words and this one says everything that is wrong with our PC obsessed world.

Telly Bit

The Best Shows

Dexter: Wonderfully dark stuff. Michael C. Hall is brilliant as the serial killer you love to cheer on. American comic drama at its best.

The Office: The American remake of a classic British sitcom that works, to the level that it's debatable which one's better. Season 4 had seen the show slip a bit but Season 5 saw it regain what made its early seasons so special. The funniest comedy on telly at the moment.

Lost: Another show that seemed to have lost its way only to come roaring back. Lost has been on an absolute tear in the run-up to its final season.

Reaper: A cracking little gem following a bloke who's parents have sold his soul to the devil. Fills that Buffy shaped hole quite well but probably won't last as long thanks to small viewing figures. That's a shame because it's pretty damn good.

Pretty much everything on BBC 4: Or the way BBC's terrestrial output and much of Channel 4 used to be before everything went to shit. Treasure it.

Previously Good Show That's Lost The Plot Big Time: Heroes

It's just an absolute mess now.

Discovery Of The Year:

Summer Heights High, and Chris Lilley in general. Australian gem of a comedy show.



Best Jesus Impersonation: Billy Mitchell, King Of Kong

Best Casting Of People You've Heard Of's Less Famous Siblings: Shark In Venice starring Vanessa Johansson (sister of Scarlett) and Stephen Baldwin (Brother of Alec Baldwin, William Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Jane Sasso, and Elizabeth Keuchler and cousin of Joseph Baldwin).


There may well be a film out in 08 with more second choice siblings but sure none as bad as this, dear readers we really feel this is a worthier winner.

Most Overblown Hype: Cloverfield and Jim Bond.

One was a huge bloated monster, the other was Cloverfield. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best Channel five Afternoon Film of the Year: Sherlock Holmes Returns

Its a TV movie of epic proportions.

Best Porn Name Kevin Smith Missed in Zack And Miri Make A Porno:

Fellating Sarah Marshall (yes I'm suggesting she's a dude!)

Most Almighty Mindfuck: JCVD



Best Product Placement:

Tied first: Jim Bond's car, Jim Bond's watch, Jim Bond's scuba gear, Jim Bond's shark blinding laser pen etc. ad infinitum....

Best Child Abuse Scene:

Steve Wiebe's taped attempt at the Donkey Kong score is interrupted by his kid:

Best Cleavage: Jenna Fischer, Walk Hard.

It certainly made me "walk hard". See I was walking about...with an erection...get it?

Watch this video of Americans talking utter pish about her role but at no point mentioning her smashing tits.



Best Smug In A Good Way Performance: Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man.

They should bottle the smug dripping off of him in this film and sell it. Imagine having the essence of Downey about your body. Sorry this seems to have gone a tad gay all of a sudden.

AND FINALLY!

Splice Man Of The Year Award:

A joint award to two bastions of British telly without whom nights would just be dull. Sadly thanks to recent developments one won't be on by the looks of it and that is indeed sad. If we did a lifetime achievement I would have lobbied hard to give it to him. I am talking about MLB on five's presenter Jonny Gould, a man of effortless charm who has worked tirelessly for over a decade, with many other fine people, to preach the wonders of baseball to us ignorant Brits. He's also the best presenter on telly. The other is that sourpuss telly reviewer/star Charlie Brooker, or a man who should just be known as God from now on, although that would more than likely really annoy him so I won't call him that again. He's responsible for three of telly's finest things over the past year, Screenwipe, Newswipe and Dead Set, plus some of the finest TV reviewing you could hope to read. Two fine, upstanding men, neither of which has anything to do with films but we love them.

So that's it, The 1st Annual Spliceys Awards are over. I say annual but we'll see if we can be arsed next year. They might just be the Every So Often When We Can Be Bothered Splicey Awards. So look out for 2009's edition sometime in 2010, or 2011! Goodnight!

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Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 23rd - 26th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.





Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Going to curtail this a bit cos its long winded and sometimes boring.



Monday 23rd march 09

Im a day late so yesterday you missed Down and Out in Beverly Hills which was a high concept idea at the time no doubt, 1986 if im right, by making Nick Nolte a tramp in Beverly Hills changing the lives of a family of its inhabitants forever, then this happened (right) in 2007 and i suppose it became life immitating art. right thats enough two year late satire from me, all i can say is that if you missed it you missed a good one, glossy 80s comedies are the best!

Tuesday 24th March 09

you may have missed it again cos im posting so late but pick of today has to be Gunmen on fiveUSA at 9pm. Narcotics agent mario van peebles teams up with smuggler christopher lambert (there can be only one) to chase drugs baron patrick stewart (!) also starring denis leary, i mean come on, thats sound amazing! Oh and more4 has Grizzly Man on, the Werner Herzog film about a fucking halfwits who live with grizzlies then get killed to their surprise, supposed to be good.

Wednesday 25th march 09

My tip tonight is to avoid at all costs Down to You on e4 at 9pm, its pure and utter tripe. it stars Freddy prinze jr which would probably put you off anyway but trust me even if you can put up with him its still terrible. I know this because i have seen it, i have seen it because it followed She's all That to these shores and i liked that (quite a lot actually) so i made an effort to see it (out the video shop i must add, not the cinema, im not mental) wish i hadnt, i reitterate my point avoid like the plague.

Thursday 26th march 09

Fight factory films is a uk distribution company whose movies fascinate me when i go shopping in asda, they come in atractive orange skirted covers and there is literaly loads of them, one of which gets (probably) its premiere on fiveUSA tonight at 9pm. The Contractor stars Wesley Snipes as an assasin, and involes key elements such as one last mission, getting framed and on the run which help it blend in with all the other these type of films. (poor poor english) anyway suppose its worth a look. I have just signed myself up to the kick ass flicks newsletter so i can keep abreast of all fight factory releases and news, i urge you all to follow suit.

Charlie Brookers newswipe also starts this week so keep your eyes peeled on bbc4 for it because it will definitely be funny in a proper sarcastic way we can all get on board with.

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Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Weekend Movies T.W.A.T. 20th - 22nd March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.

Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Fri 20th Mar 09

Michael Sheen is on Johnathan Ross to talk about his role as Brian Clough in The Damned Utd, i have went on a bit about this film since i read the book, god it better be good, please let it be good. On ITV at 1.20 i point you in the direction of 3000 Miles to Graceland which is good, Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courtney Cox and Christian Slater make it a strong cast for a film you may not have ever have heard of but this is pretty good. Oh but there is sign language on it, why are deaf people up so late? incidentally, Courtney Cox gets pumped in it so watch and see how this is played out by the fella (or woman) in the corner!

Earlier Crocodile Dundee is on film4, this is one of those intersting films that was so popular it was shown in the afternoon adn some of the racier scenes cut out, such as when Mick finds out the shiela chatting him up is a bloke by grabbing him by the scrotum. I wonder if this is cut out tonight as its showing at 7.10. Blade II is on later at 11pm and although its good and its a Del Toro, i think it misses Deacon Frost, cool name, better baddy.

Sat 21st Mar 09

Ton of stuff on, 12.20 BBC1: Things to do in Denver when your Dead which has Doc Emmett Brown in it, great scot! im in a gangster film! actually this is pretty good. 12.15 on BBC2: Young Frankenstein which i havent seen but should have, ITV at 9pm Notting Hill which i have seen but shouldnt (actually, i think its pretty good actually) and C4 at 1.55 De Niro, Brando and Norton in The Score in the which if im not misteaken is directed by the guy that was Kermit the Frog, and get this, the start time being noted there is no sign language. si that now worth a boo?

70s classic The Deer Hunter is on ITV4 at 10pm, not exactly Saturday night viewing but hey fi you havent ever seen it now is as good a time as any. E4 has The 50 Funniest Comedy films on at 9pm, its been on a hundred times and we have all seen it at least half the times its on but its still worth a wee peek on the breaks of other shows, the top few are obvious but further down you always get some good clips, like you tube without the searching and shit uploads. Police Acedemy is coming back i read, Guttenberg (fresh from his stint in panto (really)) is in line to direct (really) and might appear as mahoney again, but tonight the original is on ITV2 at 10. Its probably the best though i have a soft spot for number 4; Citizens on Patrol! Ok thats enough confesionals.

Sunday 22nd Mar 09

If you have a whole day to dedicate to a film then Ben Hur is on five, for four hours, four, hours! You know i am not exactly sure what its about but im sure with four hours to play with its about a whole load of things. Anyway, five is the home of Sundays films as a Jack black double bill is on, can i just say that i saw Jack Black in the flesh in Amsterdam a few years ago and now i am going back to Amsterdam, conincidence? i would say yes. Shallow Hal and then Envy from 9pm.

Only thing worth noting on digital is Armed and Dangerous on ITV2 at midnight, John Candy, his films were always pretty good in the 80s. I am off work on Monday so this one is gettingstayed up for!

Splice Movies T.W.A.T.

Midweek Movies T.W.A.T. 16th - 19th March 09

T.W.A.T. means to watch avec telly. This is the Spice Guide to whats on telly thats filmy. Read it and post some comments, what you watched, what you didnt, tell me to stop posting thins crap, your choice.

Avec means "with" i know that but rather than "on" and make it T.W.O.T. its T.W.A.T. cos its aesthetically more pleasing.Another weekend has rolled itself around so here is where to find out what is coming up on the telly if your staying in. Or rather you could probably check the papers too, they have the tv listings, yeah! But it doesnt have the same spin on it you will read here so forget the national press and read on.

Monday 16th Mar 09

Four evening movies for your perusal, BBC1 has Trapped: Buried Alive which i can only assume is utter mince. Its on at 12.15. More assumed pish on five at 11pm, Buying the Cow is a comedy with Jerry O'Connell, I'll leave it there. It gets better on ITV with Cadillac Man at 11.35, a Robin Williams film made before he went so sugary sacharine and nye on unwatchable! No bad! all this brings me to, Well, if your off on tuesday then give Gangs of New York a whirl at 10pm on C4, its on for 190 minutes! 190, christ Scorsese is coming it a wee bit witht hat, you can probably stick it off when the neverending credits start cos there isnt a Iron Man style appearnce of Sam Jackson with an eye patch just a U2 song if im not mistaken, 1.10 quickly becomes 1am on the nosewhich is almost palletable.

I mentioned it on the weekend TWAT in regards to The Departed and low and behold it appears! Film4 has Infernal Affairs on at 10.50! this is a wonderful film, wonderful! Also on digital and also from the far east is Ping Pong, a film about tabel tennis. I am now deciding what is a better name, Ping Pong or table Tennis? there only one way to decide this... 10.30 on BBC4.

Tuesday 17th Mar 09

Tuesday it would appear is dead to films and film type shows. Nothing of note is on the schedules. Film 2009 i suppose but the most over exposed pair in tv today Horne and Corden discuss their new film together so maybe its worth avoiding. Channel 6 or higher tonight folks.

But its not much better up there, Intolerable cruelty on ITV2 is worth a look, Coens doing screwball comedy, so look for it at 10pm. fiveUSA at 9pm has a newish JCVD film, you know the ones you have never heard of before, Second on Command anyone? nah, never thought so. Film4 however has a night of entertainment! 9pm Airplane!, frequently voted in the best comedy films ever, then at 10.45 Jackie Brown, and then at 1.40 Infernal Affairs II, alright tis on a bit late this night of entertainment but still, a night of entertainment nonethe less. I should also add that Infernal Affairs II is maybe the best sequel ever.

Wednesday 18th Mar 09

After yesterday anything will do and that anything is a George Clooney thriller from 1997, Teh Peacemaker. Its a bti mince but it was Clooney trying to break out the Doug Ross thing from ER and hey, look how he turned out! We'll let him away with it i think. Its not often i mention afternoon movie treats as they are mostly dramas about babies going to the wrong parents in the hospital or some crummy western but today we have an Ealing Comedy so i will mark your card with that. Kind Hearts and Coronets. 1.20 on C4.

Digital is shit tonight.

Thursday 19th Mar 09

Red Riding finished tonight, di you know that this series of films was based on books by David Peace, the writer of the forthcoming Damned United? Bit of a flavour of the month this guy. Anyway, good drama shocker on TV so watch it. Because the alternative is Species 2 on five at 10pm. There is probably shagging in that though.

There can be only one! Yes Highlander is on ITV4 tonight, yas! I know its been highlighted many times before, i am aware i am not the first to ever say it but really, Highlander is a film about a Scotsman who can live forever, played by a frenchman Christopher Lambert with a slight slight French accent, very slight, he is helped in his quest by a Spaniard played by a Scotsman in the shape of Sean Connery in the broadest Scottish accent he could muster! Genius! Who Wants to Live forever! Thursday? i cant wait. If thats not your bag then im not talking to you. Other stuff is on i suppose but sorry, highlander is compulsory viewing.