Moon

Moon's one of those story based films that's a bit difficult to review. How do you go about it without ruining the story for those who haven't seen it? Even a wee tidbit could set someone's mind in a certain direction before viewing and end up somehow ruining it for them. As such if you haven't seen it it's probably best not to read a full review but rather go and see it first. That's right I'm encouraging you not to read on. What I will say is that Moon's a pretty darn good little film, one that manages to overcome its small budget thanks to creativity and a fantastic performance from Sam Rockwell, who is on screen himself for pretty much the entirety of its running time.

If you don't know anything about it then it's best to stop reading now.

FULL REVIEW

Modern science fiction films tend to be huge, crash, bang wallop affairs. You know the kind of thing, directed by Roland Emmrich, White House being destroyed in an effects scene so convincing you're sure that the scene greeting you on leaving the cinema will be of utter devastation. It's the cinema of the spectacle, all eye-candy and no brains. 2001's unbelievable visually, but thankfully it also looks to explore complex issues about humanity and stuff. Sadly it looks like that's not the type of thing that's going to get the audiences in, it seems they'd rather have a robot's ballsack swung in their collective face. As such the low key delights of Moon will more than likely pass the masses by.

Director Duncan Jones is clearly a fan of those intelligent sci-fi films and as such has performed a small miracle in presenting his own entry to the list. I say a small miracle because he has managed to overcome a minuscule budget of $5 million, which, to put it into perspective, is the same budget of the latest "Worst Film Ever" The Room, to produce a brilliant looking little movie.

Jones has created an aesthetic that echoes those 70's films in the sense that everything in Moon looks like a future as designed by someone forty years ago. It also appears that everything was built that long ago thanks to a general sense of decay in the setting. Even the futuristic technology somehow feels dated. The masterstroke is the use of models for the exterior scenes. If done well, such as in 2001 and the Lord Of The Rings films, models can look great, and that's the case with Moon. One of the biggest problem with CGI is that it can feel somewhat light or airless, something that good models don't suffer from thanks to there being an actual physical object in front of the camera. They fit Moon's retro-future look perfectly and like much of the film act as a refreshing alternative to pretty much everything being released right now.

The spirit of films like Silent Running is not only evident in the design but also in the plot. Sometime in the future we've started mining the moon after burning all of our fossil fuels, something to do with the sun's energy being trapped in them. The mining operation is overseen by one man, Sam, whose only company in the moonbase is GERTY, a computer in the grandest HAL tradition. Sam's mission is almost at a close when he finds himself suffering from hallucinations. After one causes an accident Sam comes face to face with his doppelganger. What follows is an exploration on what it means to be human, particularly the idea of memories and what they are and mean.

The central performance of Sam Rockwell, and by central I basically mean only given the amount of time he is acting on screen himself, is simply brilliant. Rockwell's always been one of those quirky, underrated actors. He's a big star who most people probably can't picture in their mind. Not to matter as he does projects such as this and his performance really is a treat. For most of the film all he has to act against are video transmissions from his wife, his shady corporate bosses, the GERTY puppet, voiced perfectly by Kevin Spacey or the special effect version of himself. A bigger star may have given Moon a greater public profile, but it's doubtful the results would be quite as good.

Moon is by no means an original film, rather it's a very well done mix 'n' match of many other great sci-fi films cobbled together to make a very good little picture. Sam Rockwell truly is fantastic and the brilliant visual design and tight direction set Duncan Jones out as a talent to watch. In a summer of confusion inducing CGI and plotless destruction Moon shows the way forward, funnily enough by looking back.

RIP John Hughes

Sad news and quite a shock, mainly because his name suddenly returning to the limelight is because of this. It's also quite a stunning fact that his last movie as director was eighteen years ago. A bit of a shame, especially as it means his last movie is Curly Sue.

Well as the man who gave us Ferris Bueller he'll always be considered a legend 'round Splice way. For years I thought it was a documentary on what cutting school's like so imagine my disappointment that there was never a major parade cutting through the middle of Paisley, and doubly, if there was they'd never let me hijack it:



You don't even want to know what happened when I saw Home Alone, but needless to say my uncle still won't talk about the "stapler mishap".

Rest ye well sir.

Spielberg Does Harvey

It's being reported that Dream Weaver (or whatever other wanky term for director you want to insert) Steven Spielberg (heard of him?) plans to remake the 1950 classic Harvey which starred Jimmy Stewart and a giant invisible rabbit:



Speculation is rife as to what shape this will take. Personally I hope he makes the character of Harvey like that other great invisible Spielberg character Truck Driver Bloke (check the credits, that's really his name, I think):



Personally I'm now really exited about this. Seeing Shia LaBeouf in the Jimmy Stewart/Dennis Weaver role (for it will be he if LaBeef isn't too busy off wanking into his Xbox 360) do battle with a six foot invisible rabbit who drives a big truck and has murderous tendancies could be the best film of 2010.

Make it so Dream Weaver!

Futurama: Crisis Averted

Good news everyone! Billy West will be delivering those words in the new Futurama episodes!

The news is out that the entire voice cast of Futurama have been re-signed meaning that we now don't need to boycott the new episodes! Looks like the reports of them being replaced was a Fox scare tactic.

Don't know exactly what changed the Fox executives minds but this may have been the bargaining chip used by those representing the actors:

Normal levels of excitement about the twenty six new episodes can resume.

Arrested Development

Well, twitter finally comes up trumps, actually no twitter finally came up trumps when i saw someone put "old macdonald had tourettes, e, i, e, i, cunt, but twitter today made me happy as the empire feed from comic-con (i really really really want to go to one of those) related the news that the arrested development movie is in the works and cound begin shooting in 6 months! or 18 months, either way good stuff! So with a bit of research i found out a little more and found this video



yep, he has a interview in a magazine called details where he talks about the prospects of a AD film. You know i actually saw this magazine on the stands when i was in a book shop last week and thought that would be an interesting read becuase Bateman usually is, i never bought it cos i am tight.

figures.

but a link to the article though. LINK

oh and if by chance you have no idea what Arrested Development is, have a word with youselves.

The Name's Bond, Diddy Bond

Diddy, the Artist Formally Known as Puff Daddy and P. Booby, claims that he's waiting on the makers of the Bond films to call him back about casting him in the iconic role. "Nobody's called me back yet" he says. I'm thinking that quote should be amended to "nobody's phoned me".

Granted I haven't seen him act, so I'm just judging his acting ability on his music. If it's anything like that halfway through the film he'll just start doing a very bad Sean Connery impersonation.

Futurama To Get New Voice Talent?

The news that Fox had ordered more Futurama was, like, the bestest news ever. So trust those numpty bastards at Fox to royally fuck up what should have been the easiest thing ever. Let the people who made Futurama the best thing on telly do what they do.

But no.

If this report's to be believed Fox want to recast the voice talent, the finest ensemble on telly. Let's hope they don't because if they go ahead the show just won't be the same.

Antichrist, Bruno and The Sun

Antichrist, the new horror from Lars Von Trier, has been passed uncut by the British Board Of Film Classification (BBFC) and British "newspaper" The Sun doesn't like this one bit.

Now "The Sneak" may have some genuine beefs with the film, and from descriptions he/she may be correct. I can't say that it sounds like my cup of tea. It certainly sounds like it would be the worst date movie since Schindler's List, although there will be someone out there who takes someone thinking "a bit of horror, should get her horny", only to face a situation a bit like when Travis Bickle takes Cybil Shephard to a porno theatre.

But there's one paragraph that reveals the real reason this piece appeared in the paper at all:

"The most talked-about film of the moment is SACHA BARON COHEN’s latest offering, Bruno.

But while the antics of the OTT fashionista can be eye-wateringly shocking, it is ridiculous that the film has the same 18 rating as Antichrist. All the sex in Bruno is slapstick."

Bruno certainly is the most talked about film of the moment...by The Sun. Everyday for the past couple of months Bruno has gotten some sort of bumming up in the Sun's pages, including a review about a month before the film was even released, a puff piece about Sacha Baron Cohen being Britain's funniest comedian and the very day I write this (6/7/09) Bruno "guest edits" the Bizarre segment of the paper.

So is it really just that The Sun's a tad pissed off that Bruno getting an '18' certificate means that much of the audience for a film full of gay jokes, teenage boys, now can't legally see the film, hurting potential profits? I'm not exactly sure of The Sun's interest in Bruno doing well, but the amount of space given over to it, tenuously linking to any of Cohen's characters at any given chance, means that this announcement from the BBFC is a stinger. There is definitely an argument here about what the BBFC's role is in film censorship and whether Antichrist goes too far, but reading between the lines this piece has been written under false pretences.

The Hangover

Just a quick post to say that both myself and Ruud are a pair of lazy bums. We've both seen The Hangover but neglected to review it. Now I could try and write some bullshit about how comedy is hard to review because its one goal is to make you laugh so no matter how much of a mess the film is if you're guffawing like a trumpet it's a success. As I said, I won't. What I will say is that The Hangover is not only a very good film, it's bloody hilarious as well, with Ed Helms and Zack Galifianakis stealing the show. If you haven't seen it, do so. And then you too can guffaw like a trumpet.

We'll probably do a more expansive review when it gets released on DVD and that other new fangled one that I can't afford, Blu Vein I think it's called. Anyway we can then do in depth analysis on whether it holds up to a second viewing and if this film features the smallest visible penis on a grown man in the history of the artform. Keep your eyes peeled (for the review, not the penis. Although you'll probably need to do it for that as well.)!

Cinema Adverts

What with the buggered economy, the nation's youngsters attempting to kill each other either through knife related stabbings or by passing on STDs to as many people as possible, politicians trying to spend all of our money on such necessities as porn and inflatable houses for ducks and global warming meaning more rain in Scotland, times are bleak. And when times are bleak we must look for an escape, some form of entertainment that takes us away from all this shit. Well what better an escape than a trip to the cinema? In that darkened room there's that magic window showing us fantastical pictures that match our dreams, as long as those dreams include giant robots kicking each others titanium posteriors while millions of innocent bystanders are killed. It brings a sense of joy to a heart weighed down by the fact that within those two hours that you're there you've probably lost your job, your house and those bastards who used to be your neighbours have shot your cat's eye out with an air rifle. Cinemas are indeed great at insulating you from the nastiness out with.

Or at least that's what you thought! You see there's a window of time that allows you to ignore all that is cracked about life and it opens when the trailers begin.But if you arrive earlier something sinister is afoot, something that can ruin your enjoyment of the entire experience. Forget the film, these events will overrule any giddiness it may bring. Forget a happy ending, like when the Cloverfield monster killed all those annoying fucktards, because fear will have clamped its considerably muscular arms around the throat that in this metaphor is your brain and has started squeezing for dear life.

It all starts pleasantly enough. Enter the theatre early enough and you'll find an atmosphere that's pretty relaxed. Some music will be playing, the best-of Curiosity Killed The Cat or a mixtape of all those mid-90's pop reggae songs by acts like Big Mountain and Pato Banton. It's music from a more innocent, care-free time when singing "girl I want to make you sweat" didn't trigger some feminist retort about chauvinistic attitudes in popular music. And anyway, what's wrong with a song where the guy is inviting her to go jogging? Sorry, I digress. On the screen are movie related place holders containing trivia, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes didn't use real tomatoes, or word games, guess the popular star: DRAB TTIP. It's all very nice.

Then the adverts start.

Not the trailers, but the adverts. The trailers are for movies about people dieing after using a haunted social networking site or the latest "serious" film from Euroland about relationships and stuff." FUCK OFF EUROLAND! I WANT A FILM INVOLVING CATS TURNING EVIL AND RISING UP LIKE A NEW FELINE NAZI PARTY TO DESTROY EARTH. GIVE US THAT MOVIE HOLLYWOOD! Sorry, I digress yet again. It's the adverts, the sort of pre-trailers trailers. At first it seems okay as it usually starts off with a Jack Daniels ad. You know, the ones filled with locals clearly ripped to the tits on the beverage they produce, and they're all happy and backwards and they live in the mountains and there's no women so you suspect that they may be cosying up to one another and it looks nice. Drinking makes you happy and able to enjoy the company of your fellow man, or at least it makes you forget. "Maybe I'll have a drink after the film," you say, "keep the fuzziness the film instills in me continue for a while." Drinking's great ain't it?

WRONG MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!

No, it's not fucking great. If you drink you'll end up murderising a kid whilst driving your 4x4 death machine under the influence of fake happy juice. And even worse, the kid's corpse will then stalk you, but not in a way that makes you feel like a celebrity. No, it'll make you feel like a murderiser!



HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING HAPPY AGAIN! Especially not whilst there are children lying dead under computer desks the world over. What I want to know is why the dead kid is ginger? This is a shocking display of casual racism on the ad makers, or Doom Merchants, part here as it suggests that gingers can't cross the road without noticing without noticing a hulking great Honda Civic baring down upon them. If that kid had hazel eyes or was from the island of Tonga the uproar would be incredible. As it stands the silence from the Anti-Sun campaigners is deafening. In fact it makes me bloody angry! So angry I'm now going to have to take some "chill pills". It happens I've just purchased some from the internet. Nothing can go wrong taking pills from the net, can it?



What the fuck? I mean WHAT THE FUCK? Is this like an urban update of that old wife's tale about swallowing an apple seed and a full blown tree blasts through your skull a few years later? It's just so wrong. Like really, really, really, really wrong. Do these ads play before kids films as well because Care Bears and the Magical Adventure in Happy Fluffy Town just got ruined for poor little Timmy. In fact his whole life's now ruined. In fact mines has been by it too, but little Timmy has more years of torment ahead of him. Unless he's ginger and lives near a main road with a ton of pubs on it. The only way you could make that video worse is if the bloke looked up from the sink to see a couple of kids standing in the doorway, faces aghast as they stare in disbelief at the rat. Then the little girl, through a tidal wave of tears scream, "Fluffy! You've killed Fluffy!" Then to top it off the little boy chips in, "Thanks a lot Dad, this is the worst Christmas morning EVER!"

Thankfully these grim examples of why everything ever is horrible are usually followed by an ad for the latest must-have mobile phone. This thing has a camera, a music player, an Atari Lynx emulator, and a function that makes chips the way your mum used to before chip pans were banned as the lethal weapons that they are. Hell, it can even make phone calls to other telephones, mobile or non-mobile. The ad's bright, it's colourful, it's loud and it's filled with happy, good looking people who are clearly living the good life thanks to this wonder machine that fits in their pocket. They're clearly people who have said "no thanks, I'll get all my entertainment from my phone" because watching stuff on a really small screen with tinny sound is clearly the way forward. Of course they want you to join them, and after seeing dead ginger kids, rats being vomited up and listening to Big Mountain, fuck, you want to join them. You want to be one of those beautiful people, happy because having spent so much time focusing on a 5" screen they've went blind and can't see the atrocious world crumbling around their beautiful, well-trainered feet.

You just want to be happy, like them.

WELL YOU CAN'T BE BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR JOB AND CAN'T AFFORD A NEW PHONE! You're stuck with your Phillips brick you've had for fourteen miserable, predictive text-less years. Even the happy ads now are punishing you, showing you what you should be, what you should have when you can't adhere because of matters outwith your control. It's basically saying "get it right up you, you shit phone owning knob you".

Hey, now a car ad's on with a soundtrack by Keane. Time to end it all. You may as well just stuff your face with popcorn until you choke. Ah well at least you'll get a sugar rush before you go, eh?

Only you won't because you accidentally lifted a bucket of salted on the way in. See you're so crap you can't even die happily. And now the film's starting and you just can't bring yourself to care. The world's caught up to you and not even the opening mantra "Directed by Michael Bay" could see you plunge lower.

And that's my account of the last time I went to the cinema to cheer myself up.