So you're a bit confused as to what this "Christ mass" thing is then. Some people are even cutting about calling it "Winterville" so as not to offend non-Christian types. But what do you do, where do you go if you don't know your Christmas arse from your elbow? How do you find out if Jesus and Santa are brothers, if Rudolph's nose is actually a sign of heart disease?
Here, that's where! Thanks to the folks at How Stuff Works you can now find out exactly how Crimbo works! Sift about and find out hunners. To quote from the intro to the piece:
The first harbingers of Christmas arrive in October when jarring sales and decorations follow fast on the heels of summer. But by December, Christmas's true heralds are out: twinkling lights lining streets, the smell of balsam and spice cookies wafting through the house and visits from friends and relatives. The season's spirit drives people to the mall, to the kitchen, to midnight mass and to festive gatherings.
I for one am delighted that the webspace that is SPLICE seem to be a haven for people who dont particularly like James Bond. It is, effectively, a Quantum of Solace from Bond if you will. (see what i did there?)
I suppose this has broken the silence so i will enlighten you to my experiences of Bond while here and be done with it.
In total i have seen five Bond films. In the order; Goldeneye, Tommorow Never Dies, Dr No, From Russia with Love and The World is Not Enough. Goldeneye was surprisingly good, Tommorow Never Dies was ok so i thought i would watch them from the beginning, Dr No and Russia were Love then i gave up, "fuck it" i thought, i just dont get it, what is it about Bond that everyone (some of my mates especially) cream their shorts about? The final nail in the coffin was actually spending money at the cinema to see The World is Not Enough. Utter tripe.
I have seen some of the props from the films, the motor that goes under water or something, some other car that does something unbelievable, a gun probably, er, it was a wee while ago now that i was in Florida but i did see it.
And thats it, if i am honest then i will admit that i have hankered slightly to see Casino Royale but so far havent followed through on it. Maybe i wont.
This is all very meandering, just felt that something had to be said about Bond, James Bond and this is all i can offer, so bearing in mind i havent seen all the films, i have heard most of the songs and in all Bond based things people pick out their favourite villain, favourite Bond, favourite song, yadda yadda yadda. So my favourite Bond out of the 2 i have seen is Brosnan, favourite film: Goldeneye. the song from this the newest film has slowly grown on me and personally i think its a cracker so its my favourite Bond Theme. There we go, the dirty deed is done, Bond has been broached and i have came out the other side. So go wash your hands and then come back and enjoy Jack White and Alicia Keys.
Splice Advent Calender abbreviates to SAC, well that basically says it all doesnt it. Ok in keeping with the spirit of last years calendar here is some video i found on the inter web of world wide geeks. The countdown to Christmas has begun. Enjoy.
oh aye, in case you cant put your finger on the Christmas reference, THE TUNE IS JINGLE BELLS!
That's right, it's that time of year again! The countdown to Xmas begins. Twenty four days of Xmas related goodies, or more than likely, Xmas related chuff. Ruud and myself shall be taking it in turns to bring you Xmas cheer!
So you're Kevin Smith, king of the gross-out comedy with heart. But somethings gone wrong in the kingdom of the dick joke. A usurper has, well, usurped you. While your back was turned doing a small turn in the latest Die Hard, and probably some other stuff too, along came the one named Judd to steal your crown. What do you do? Well you get back on your horse and challenge him to a jous...oh fuck it! He went and made a movie that out grosses him, in eww factor, not money, and cast his muse, hero of the ugly Seth Rogen in the lead.
Quick synapse, Zack and Miri are broke and after a chance meeting at their high school reunion and some unwanted Youtube stardom realise that porn's a quick way to make some cash. So they make one. The big obstacle? They have to have sex with each other after twenty years of friendship, and we all know sex complicates things. Basically it's a movie full of dick, pussy, arse and shagging jokes with some limp emotional stuff thumbed in there for good measure. On other words, it's a Kevin Smith film.
It's also a Judd Apatow film, but Smith sets himself apart from his fellow rotund director through the idioms of his speech and the plotting. Whereas both are loose in an Apatow film thanks to liberal improvisation, Zack and Miri feels tighter. The dialogue is all Smith. The characters speak faster, the terms of reference slightly more geeky and there are the usual obsessions, mucky stuff, Star Wars and racial and sexual politics. As for the plot, it's actually pretty conventional feel-good Rom-com fare, just with anal jokes so that men feel comfortable watching it. In fact it's so conventional that like Toy Story it would be a perfect screening for a scriptwriting class if you were trying to demonstrate three-act structure with a mid-point. It would be an interesting class, but it is true. There's also some Smith autobiography in the plot. The characters make a movie in their workplace after hours, just instead of it being a renowned award-winning "indie" film it's a porno. But this is more Chasing Amy than Clerks.
The biggest problem is that mushy stuff that tends to rear its head in Smith's films. He's not the only one guilty of it, but in his films it really jars because he isn't the most subtle writer. When doing the outrageous stuff he seems to be comfortable, he can let loose and does. But when he has to reign himself in for the tender stuff it feels a tad unnatural for him. Thankfully it tends not to ruin his movies, most are just too funny, but it still rankles. For Zack And Miri the problem is that it's a film of two halves. The first is a riot but post mid-point pump the "emotions" start to take over. There's still laughs, including a particularly fantastic anal joke involving an unfortunately placed cameraman, but not as many.
Zack And Miri's positive nature is mostly justified though, and a lot of that comes down to the characters and those playing them. These are likable people and you do want them to succeed. Rogen plays himself, as always, but there's nothing wrong with that since he seems like a guy you'd enjoy a pint with down your local. It's also good to see Clerks stars Jason Mewes and Jeff Anderson turn up again, both work well with Smith. The real gems, though, are Craig Robinson, good to see him finally get more than a few scenes as he's great in the US version of The Office, and Elizabeth Banks. She is at once beautiful, and yet somehow believable as a woman in this situation, instead of the usual Hollywood bints. It's probably because she allows herself to cut loose just like the guys and so really fits in.
There's a lot to love about Smith's new film, but there's a nagging feeling that he really is trying to capture the Apatow magic after he beat him at his own sweet gross-out game. Those bemoaning his loss of "indie"-cred, whatever the fuck that means, because to me it suggests spending more than a tenner on your budget and hoping people actually go and see your film, won't be won over by this. The emotions get in the way a little too much, but the laughs thankfully outweigh any mushy pish. There's no one quite like Smith when he's in full flow and in Zack And Miri that is thankfully often. If you just allow it to entertain you then you'll enjoy it. Just don't expect anything more than that.
Just in time for Xmas the Titans are tackling the poo-filled stocking that is Santa Clause Conquers The Martians:
One little point; they already riffed on it during Season 3 of Mystery Science Theater 3000:
I'm not too sure if I'm happy about the repeat, but if the results are good then who cares? I'll let you know if it'll make your Xmas as soon as it arrives in the mail!
Been busy with work recently. As it stands I've been editing together some videos which you can check out on the Youtube Channel meaning that I haven't really had time to write anything, or more to the point, see any films.
There are a few things that will be posted soon. The Flaming Lips' film Christmas On Mars arrived in the mail the other day and Zack And Miri Make A Porno shall be viewed this weekend. Plus when it arrives I'll be watching the new installment of Cinematic Titanic.
Other things include a shitey wee sketch, do I make them any other way, a look at Pixar thanks to WALL.E coming out on DVD, some sort of Xmas thing, it may be like the Halloween thing or it might just be the second advent calender, and the films of the year. I'll put money on my list being the only one that doesn't place The Dark Knight at number 1, but I may be wrong!
And so to the third of four Futurama "films", Bender's Game. As previously stated the main problem with Bender's Big Score and The Beast With A Billion Backs was that they felt episodic, mostly due to the fact that they really were four episodes each stuck together. As much as there's a common story running through them, the structure dipped and peaked as the episodes changed. Bender's Game goes a long way to fixing this, but still not completely.
Bender's Game is Futurama's stab at the fantasy genre adopting Dungeons And Dragons and Lord Of The Rings as its basis. What would be the last two episodes take place in a fantasy world and run like a full forty-five minute episode. What would be episode two leads up to how they get there. The wrangle comes with the first segment. It introduces some stuff integral to the plot but then takes what seems a pointless detour when the crew take part in a Demolition Derby. It feels a little unnecessary even if it does lead to a few things that kind of pay off, such as Leela's electro-shock collar, setting up her abhorrence of the violent being she becomes in the fantasy world.
I could go on, but Bender's Game is funny as hell, still as flawed as the other two Futurama "movies", and more than likely won't win any new converts. If you love Futurama then you know this is for you. If you don't, well it isn't.
I thought i would just say on the subject of Halloween that this year is one of the only years that Halloween actually falls in my home town the same day it falls in everyone elses.
Halloween in Kimarnock is on the last friday of October, every year, the 31st of October means nothing to the good Killie people, if the 31st falls on a Thursday, then we have done all our trick or treating (rubbish americanism which blows big fat ones) or rather going round the doors with your party piece and basically forgot about auld hallows eve before the rest of the western world has got round to dressing up!
But this year the last friday IS the 31st or rather was, so the planets are aligned and Killie becomes part of the human race again.
Halloween: a pointless exercise which teaches bad things for children to learn. Never talk to strangers we were told, except on th 31st (last friday in Killie remember) of October when you can go around strange weirdos and local paedos doors and ask for sweets and apples, monkey nuts and the occasional fifty pence bit. where is the sense in that? fuck of back to america halloween where you belong, we want our kids kept safe and not growning up a bunch of Britney Spearses and Linsey Lohans!
actually, that has given me a thought,
Halloween usually means that hot burds are careening round the town dressed like slutty nurses and sexy bees generally more scantilly clad than we are used to seeing in the times after the clocks go back, fuck it, come on back Halloween! all is forgiven!
Scary Films.
the splice guide to halloween scary films has been a more or less Ruud free zone, basically cos i dont like them. saw a few but thats it. i could make up for it by a wee look at films where folk burn shit to the ground for Guy Fawkes night but fuck that, no i will turn my attention to the spice guide to romance in the lead up to Valentines! or is that a bit gay?
