Plan 9: This Time It's Serious

Yup, it's a planned remake of Ed Wood's seminal wonk-a-thon Plan 9 From Outer Space, regarded by many to be the worst film ever made. Obviously those people have never seen anything by Coleman Francis. And it's going to be serious! Well the source material should help them get that right:



All I'm wondering is if they plan on referencing the original does that mean that two actors will be playing the ghoul man, and to fool us into believing that it's just one guy a handy cloak is brought into play?

Thanks to Torgo on the MST3K Discussion Board for the head's up.

Cinematic Titanic's Second Outing

Here's a new trailer that has been posted by the fokes at Cinematic Titanic.



News is that not only this, but a further two have been made, including Roger Corman's The Wasp Woman. From the looks of this CT is going to get even better over the next few installments. And as I already loved their first effort, The Oozing Skull, that means that I am again becoming very excited. Indy and now this? It's like I've had too much sherbet or something!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

So after the nineteen year wait it's finally here. Through numerous supposed scripts and the aging process catching up to the main star, plus Lucas' creative instincts imploding faster than a comedy Nazi's skull, here we are with Indiana Jones 4, the one with the really bad name.

Obviously this is literally just out so I'll try and avoid any spoilers in the review, but I may accidentally slip something in that's not common knowledge so be warned.

Let's start by saying that anyone worried that they were going to piss all over a legend needn't. This is not like those Star Wars prequels. Obviously after such a long wait the build up to this film has been intense, and like The Simpsons Movie before it it probably has too much to live up to thanks to not only the wait but the peerless original works. Inevitably Crystal Skull will disappoint it just depends to what extent.

For me it's the fact that we are in Temple Of Doom mode here. Slightly iffy, goofy story but great set pieces and humour. The humour isn't as broad as Doom's, probably a good thing as sequences such as the banquet were a little too much. Here instead we have knowing nods, the Ark of the Covenant, the opening Paramount "mountain", and clever use of running jokes and themes, the incorporation of Indy's fear of snakes is a cracking scene and look out for Marcus Brody helping out from beyond the grave, it's cute really.

The set pieces are what fans of the series have come to expect. The Amazon jungle chase is the standout, one that brings back memories of the chase on Endor in Jedi thanks to the setting, that incorporates a rocket launcher, a sword fight during the chase and some rather nasty ants. Sadly it also includes Shia LaBeouf's Mutt Williams, to kind of quote the Waterboys, "doing what monkeys do". It's a cringeworthy moment of supreme goofiness.

It's this goofiness that is the underlying problem with Crystal Skull. Not to ruin the story it involves Indy and co. racing against the Commies to find El Dorado and a mysterious Crystal Skull that has incredible potential for world domination. The problem lies in who made the skull. Events get a little too out there, although I am talking about a film series that involved a radio to God, a 700 year old knight and a guy who can rip your heart out but leave you still living, so for some this may not be too far a stretch. Also the attempt to show the Commies in a comic light is downright embarrassing with them Cossack dancing around a fire. Throw in the Peruvian tribal members and the usual Indy casual racism is intact.

Another problem is that some of the better cast members are wasted, specifically John Hurt and Jim Broadbent. That said Ray Winstone's decent, Cate Blanchett makes a very good baddie, although she's no Belloq, and LaBeouf continues to impress with a character that's in a lot of ways essential thanks to Ford's age. Not that he doesn't do well. By acknowledging the fact that Ford is now in his sixties by making Indy the same age was a wise move. Now he's a grizzled old cynic, not majorly removed from his younger persona, just even more world weary. And it's great to see Karen Allen back as Marion. The dialogue between Jones and Ravenwood remains as zesty as it was way back in Raiders, of course she too is now older and wiser, and yet at the same time still can't help becoming all gooey at the sight of our hero. The fact that the love interest is of similar age to the older lead has to be applauded as well.

Crystal Skull will inevitably disappoint some. Not just hardened old school fans who have waited for way too long for the fourth installment, but new viewers as well thanks to the nature of today's blockbusters. It's still quite old fashioned in its way with most of the action being of a practical nature, the lead being in his sixties, and there being quite a lot of story, good or bad, something most don't tend to bother with. But for those willing to forgive the flaws what they are left with is a very good Indiana Jones film. And a very good Indiana Jones film is a very precious thing indeed.

Indyan Summer: An Update

It has been watched and the review is forthcoming.

Just to let you know that right before going to see it I had to have a tooth taken out. It was very unexpected. As such these events may have influenced my judgment of the film, though not necessarily in the "oooo I'm in pain and can't concentrate" sort of way, more the "I need something to pick me up, Indy should do" way.

I'll try and keep the review as spoiler free as well for those who may read before seeing. I avoided everything but the trailer and I am delighted that I did as most things came as a surprise.

P.S. The predictions I made about what to expect came out as 1 out of 3 (and it's not the most likely one I got right, could it be there are pigeons in Crystal Skull?).

Indyan Summer (see what I did there?)

So Indiana Jones and the Mystical McGuffin of Somewhere or Other is upon us, and I for one am squitting my pants in excitement. So much so that I decided to geek out and watch the first three films back-to-back in one big Fedora wearing marathon of John Williams style bombastic glory.

How excited am I about Crystal Skull? This excited:


Yes I am that excited. The music, the beat up leather jacket, Harrison Ford's chin scar. It's left me so built up I feel like I'm going to burst like Belloq's head. So much so, in fact, that I'm now worried that Kingdom will let me down in a Young Indiana Jones sort of way.

Of course the good news is that George Lucas isn't acting alone on this, and by all accounts the script had to be so right that they were able to turn down nineteen years of alternative ones. Fingers crossed that Steven Spielberg and Ford have exerted enough creative influence that the man who rid the Star Wars franchise up the arse so much it collapsed in a bum rape influenced death many moons ago hasn't been able to do the same to this one. Spielberg has already spoken of only using CGI when necessary because the practical stuff not only looks better but is really the essence of the series. Let's hope that's the case, because as previously reported Lucas has been saying some alarming things recently about wanting to do more without consulting the other two. Funny as he was the one who didn't want to do a fourth for so long. Doubt it's the money, ahem.

Anyway, bugger the negativity and let's start looking forward to it. Popcorn for breakfast is the obvious highlight, but thanks to some obvious trends in the other three films here are my predictions of what to expect from Raiders of the Crystal Skull of Doom;

It'll open with a mountain
There that means I get at least one right!


There'll be some dodgy racial stereotypes
Just look at those "natives" in the trailers.


Creepy Crawlies
Watching back over the first three films brings the realisation that at some point there will be a room filled with icky creatures. Raiders has snakes, Doom has bugs and Crusade has rats.
So what will the horrid creature be in Crystal Skull? Personally I'm plumping for pigeons. Just imagine getting trapped in a room full of them, shit encrusting the walls, feathers getting into your underwear. Simply terrifying.

I could go on but let's be honest, we know what to expect in a lot of ways from this new Indy film. Part of the wonder of the series is the comfort you get from the storylines, while the set pieces are what bring the shock factor.



Ah the set pieces. Whether it's a mine cart, a tank or some bloke that's a bit nifty with a sword but forgot to wear a bullet proof vest, they're what make Indy great. Tell any naysayers, and if you do know someone who doesn't like Indy why exactly are you friends with them?, to go eat bad dates.

Anyone who complains about the lapses in logic just don't get it, and never will. They don't understand the heritage of the Indy films, those bloody awful serials from the 40's where the hero seemingly dies every week before the next installment's recap shows you the piece of film that was unfortunately left out depicting him taking a step to the right so as to avoid the heat seeking missile as it plows into the side of a mountain.

The point is is that the Indiana Jones films may be cinema in its purest form. Unadulterated joy for those looking for films that thrill and excite and at times horrify too. They tap into something that takes us back to those times as a kid where you become so overwhelmingly excited by something you literally have to go mental or something will burst inside of you. No matter what Crystal Skull is like it has already captured my imagination in just this way, and so tomorrow I'll end up bouncing in my seat as the first strains of the theme tune start. I'll be a kid again. In itself that's better than anything else that'll happen this year. Unless they bring back the wee woman who sells ice lollies down the front halfway through the film. Then my head would actually implode.

I'm Against The 80's*

So news of MGM's possible new films really isn't going down well 'round here (although Ruud may just have squit his pants).

How long until someone pitches a Back To The Future remake where in a post-modern twist they go back to the 80's?

Hollywood, what's wrong with redoing The Monster Squad? Eh? But not The Goonies. Don't you dare!

* It's a song by Denim (I don't really hate the decade, just had a wee argument with it!)

When People Have Too Much Time And Money Part 2

Now we turn to George Lucas, multi-millionaire version of these guys, and some worrying comments with regards to Indiana Jones right here on this wee link thing.

It's telling that he claims not to have told Spielberg or Ford. He'll probably just create digital versions of them to star and direct.

Thanks to Torgo on the MST3K Discussion Board for the heads up.

Iron Man: Red's Take

Tony Stark was always going to be a tough sell. You see he's a prick. And not just the usual prick you get down the pub, oh no. He's a rich, good looking, genius, quite an exceptional level of prickishness. He's also an international arms dealer which means he's not only a prick but a mass murdering bastard as well. The perfect sort of guy then to be a superhero.

The character of Stark is just one example of the many tightrope moments that occur in Iron Man that demonstrate how difficult a movie it must have been to get right. But they've managed it. you see for all his prickishness, Stark's played by Robert Downey Jr. and as such ends up very likeable indeed. In this film Stark is Downey. Which leads to another balance, that of big blowy uppy action and humour, the key ingredients to entertainment through comic book movie that isn't the broody Batman. The effects beards take care of the former and thanks mainly to Downey the film is also genuinely hilarious in places, none more so than in the extended build the suit/test the suit middle section of the film which could have been a drag. Instead it's very funny thanks to various mishaps involving rocket thrusters and a robot with a fire extinguisher.

Of course this being an origins story means that it's ages until we actually get the full on Iron Man, but unlike other origins films where we have to explore a childhood trauma or go through the "what's happening to me?", "hey these powers are kinda cool" segments. Instead Stark gets kidnapped by Arab terrorists and builds an early version of the suit. It's a move that means the second act can be excepted, humour or not, because we've already had a bit of the good stuff long before act three rolls around.

This opening act throws up a slightly troubling aspect though. The action appears to take place in Afghanistan, or some other Eastern country where American troops are fighting local rebels. Making Stark's situation contemporary isn't in itself a problem, but the pro-War on Terror stance is. Let's not skirt the issue, he's captured by Islamic terrorists and forced to build a weapon for them. The scaremongering begins. And Stark's philosophy that you possess the larger weapon than the enemy, one that only needs used once smacks of justifying American foreign policy. But to declare that this is the movie's politics would be unfair. You see after all that bullshit Ol' Tony boy has an epiphany thanks to the realisation that the weapons he makes fall into the wrong hands, the fact that they are used for killing isn't so bad if it's the "good guys" doing it. So he decides that his way of thinking is wrong and that his life needs to change. So now we have a blockbuster, mainstream comic book movie highlighting that the arms industry may not always work for our benefit. Pretty strong message. But the tightrope situation returns because as much as Stark's philosophy becomes one of peace, it's one that still involves building the better weapon and blowing the shit out of the other side. So we're kind of left with a grey area. Is Iron Man all hippy and peace loving, or does it stand by the better have a weapon better than the other guys just in case way of thinking?

Well it's a compromise, it had to be for the story to work. This may frustrate some who would want the film to come down on one side but the fact that a movie such as this is even willing to contemplate the point, of which there is no easy answer, is refreshing and exceptionally brave. Compare it to Transformers' pro-troops and "ain't these big shiny planes just the coolest?" stance. Exactly. And let's be honest, Iron Man's not the film you're going to see if you're wanting an in depth look at the subject really now is it? You're here to see Downey Jr. quip while blowing shit up inside a big Iron suit.

Again it's fair play to Jon Favreau and his writers that the film can carry such a weighty subject, but at the same time entertain and dazzle, as any Summer blockbuster based on a rock 'em sock 'em comic book should do. Basically it's a smart dumb movie depending on how deep you want to go. It can be as complex or straight forward as you choose. On other words it's quite similar to its central character.

When People Have Too Much Time And Money

So back to my post in December about games that should be done as movies and The Legend Of Zelda. There have been rumblings on and off for ages that someone will have a crack at this, especially with all the post-LOTR pish we've had to endure.

Well turns out Hollywood has been beaten by a bunch of, how shall I put this, sad fucks:



Magic marker Tri-force anyone?

This isn't the only Zelda trailer, or computer game one for that matter. A quick look around YouTube shows there to be everything from Final Fantasy to Pac-Man.

Here's another Zelda one that actually looks half decent:



The thing is both may actually be fakes. That's right, the people involved wasted time and money to make these possibly for no real reason, other than bait Nintendo's lawyers.

Now all I ask is that these people do a Streets Of Rage one, that involves real fighting and broken bottles. Fingers crossed! There's already a rocking version of the game's music for the soundtrack:

The Blockbuster Season Is Upon Us

That's right! Summer's here, even though May's barely started, but Hollywood can do what it likes damnit so the seasons have been shifted!

Iron Man has been imprinted on our eyeballs (the review's in the works) but even more importantly we got the Blockbuster trailers (HUZZAH!). So now I present to you a review of the trailers that were on before Iron Man;

The Incredible Hulk



Doesn't look incredible. In fact looks like the same film as Iron Man without the humour. Or the metal.

Indiana Jones And The Magic Railroad (think that's right)



Now we're starting to ramp up the summery blockbusterness! When that music kicks in while sitting in the pictures the real power of cinema comes to the fore. For two minutes I was 7 year old again. And the sight of Harrison Ford in that jacket and hat? I'm not gay but I ended up like a 16 year old girl at a Justin Timberlake gig, screaming and wet. Wrong? Not when Indy's concerned!

It just better be good...

And to round things off the big, Mclarge, huge blockbuster of the extended summer,

Smart People

Eh?



Ah it's from the producer of Sideways, stars someone from it and the bird from Juno. Doubt there's much in the way of fighting metal guys or a big green bugger, though a Sandman vs. Dennis Quaid smackdown might be fun.

So that's the review of the trailers for the start of the summer period 2008 which thanks to the studios should finish about February 2009.