I Am Legend

this review has sat in the drafts page for months, readin what i had written after a space of time it appears i have taken a long way for a short cut so i have decided to delete it and start again, i will be concise shall i?

I am legend is crap.

Review over.

Nah, to be honest, it starts ok, Will Smith is alright, then it gets dark and its just the same old same old. and the monsters who are afraid of sunlight look terrible, totally cgi'd they look atrocious, a big mistake. The cgi dogs looked the biz mind you, but the diseased humans look mince. also the whole film plays like a episode of Lost; flashbacks give a backstory, lots of walking about alone, hunting, scientific experiments aplenty, if there was a big fat guy in it you wouldnt know the difference.

a plus point is that it doesnt last more than 2hrs and do that which most films of this ilk do; being throw everything into the ring and have about seven endings, it gets wrapped up in about an hour and a half and for me that is its saving grace. but i have been reliably informed that the book is better and the other film incarnations are too, dunno bout that but worth pondering for a moment.

so i say give it a whirl if you must, it wont take forever but dont expect too much, its due out on dvd soon so let me take a guess at reviewing the extras, a backslapping doco about the cgi work, stop talking pish, the monsters look like fuck all twice ya dicks! plus a commentary which is alright.

ta da.

Ruud Kerouac.

Green Lit: Ruud in April

Anyone who reads this must think i talk THE biggest pile of pish ever, i mean i psot these type of things every month and pretty much fail to follow them through, but fuck it cos it could all change,and change this month! I think i will go see shine a light and maybe leatherheads all to get me back in the mood cos may sees Iron Man coming out and i cany wait. I say i think i will see those films, i can prbably guarantee i will see 27 dresses before any fo them, because thats how my life works.

just check back to all tghe crap i promised in recent months and just imagine them in this cos they have virtually all rolled over. The big deal i made about the best films of the 90s will come to pass this month, not really apologising for that though becvause it was my idea and im kicking it off so the no less than 1 no more than 4 rule doesnt count yet as it hasnt kicked off so get off ma case!

Anyway keep yer eyes peeled, got a 20minute doco to put up this month by the way, so get the matchsticks ready to pin your eyes open!

Ruud Kerouac

Charlton Heston

So the gun loving, ape batterer's popped it.

Rumours that his body's going to be used, a la Soylent Green, to feed the homeless are so far unfounded.

And the square go between him and the "real" Moses should be a belter. Fingers crossed it's on the telly!

Shatner To Appear In New Star Trek After All

Or at least part of him.

Yes Splice can exclusively reveal that William Shatner's hairpiece is set to appear in JJ Abrams new Star Trek film. It's set to play a mini Cousin It style alien that Scottie's been keeping as an illegal pet down in the engine room.

This is big news for Shatner's hairpiece, last seen helping Martin Starr achieve the "Dirty Man" look in the comedy Knocked Up. "I'm excited" he declared.

William Shatner was unavailable for comment, but is said to be "pleased" for his hairpiece.

The Orphanage

If the above trailer is to be believed The Orphanage is a fright a minute scarefest in which nobody talks, they just scream. A canny piece of marketing to get folks here and in the States to go and see it I'm sure as telling them it's actually a slow burning Spanish horror with, shock, subtitles will put them off instantly. Well if it does they're going to miss out on a cracking wee gem of a picture.

See nowadays the art of the good story is sorely neglected in cinema. It's always about the visuals or the set pieces and story seems to be the last thing on many film makers minds. That's not a rant against blockbusters as many "indie" flicks suffer from this as well. What is so refreshing about The Orphanage is that it has a fantastic aesthetic to it and some great set pieces as well but the story comes first. It's one of those methodically paced stories, full of little twists that are revealed as it goes on. To tell you any would be to ruin the film but essentially the setup is as follows; Laura, her husband Carlos and their prerequisite creepy kid son have moved into a big house in the middle of nowhere that used to be an Orphanage. Laura grew up here before being adopted and has now come back to reopen it. Carlos has some imaginary friends but like any modern kid trying to get in with the local cliques they soon get dumped for the new ones he's met at the house, and in particular a wee boy from the caves nearby called Tomas. So far, so The Shining. Oh and did I mention that there's also a spooky, disused lighthouse nearby? Soon there's bumps and bangs and then the kid with the sack over his head appears.

As you can tell this is an old-fashioned tale. The set-up is nothing original, but The Orphanage isn't looking to be a Cloverfield. It's intent is to tell it's story, and that just so happens to be a traditional ghost story that's occasionally punctured by the modern world, such as in the incredibly tense scene involving the medium. She puts herself in a trance and wanders the house while everyone else gathers in a room to watch her through infrared cameras.

The tension is the key here. Rather on rely on cheap jumps like the cat pouncing out while a character is investigating a noise the film has an overall uneasiness. A sense of dread prevails throughout thanks to the sound design which never underestimates the power of misplaced bumps and scrapes and a habit for director Juan Antonio Bayona to place his camera in strange positions. It's amazing what placing it in these positions and slowly zooming in on a scene does for the paranoia. Throughout you ask "why is it there?" and "what does it suggest?". It's a masterful move from the director, showing an understanding as to how to get under a viewers skin simply by using simple filmic techniques.

The Orphanage won't be for everyone. It'll bore some, especially those sucked in by the advert above. But an acceptance of the fact that a few well placed jumps aside this is a good old-fashioned horror, focusing on story rather than shocks will allow The Orphanage to bury itself deep into your mind and stay there. It's what all the best ghost stories do.

Baseball on five

Yeah I know this should be on The NHOJ but I'm not talking about Baseball as good as it is, I'm talking about five's, what happened to the capital letter folks?, excellent show that features the live games.

For over a decade now host Jonny Gould and a rotation of cracking pundits have tirelessly brought British terrestrial viewers the game live. The show is a combination of hard facts for those more accustomed to the game and tutorials for those that aren't. Thankfully thanks to the people involved this is in no way dry, but rather one of the funniest shows on TV at times. This is down not only to the very funny people, comedian Phil Jupitus has joined this year to add to the laughs, but the general tone of the show.



Gould is the greatest asset, a host who seems to never quite have a grip on the situation but somehow always stumbles through. It's actually mesmerising to watch. He also is one cheesy guy, in fact if he ever does a movie he's getting made a Splice Hero of Cheese instantly, meaning that he's an easy target for a slagging from his wingmen and producer. But he always takes it on the chin and gets them back. The producer Eric gets ripped to shreds constantly.

But that's what's so great about it. it's a group of people having a great time it just so happens that they're not just hosting a live telly programme but also showcasing live sport at the same time. This relaxed feel allows you to become drawn in very easily, either through emailing the show, going on the forums or playing the fantasy baseball game that ensnares Gould worse than anyone every year. Even if you don't, just being able to laugh at the in jokes makes you feel a part of something, call it a cult TV fanship if you will.

In all honesty I can't think of a better way to promote the game in this country than this show. Keep up the good work boys!

$exyfest

And here it is, the fruition of my hopes and dreams, or rather, what happens when you act like a fanny and film yer mates then find out you have editing software on your phone while lying in bed with a hangover that auld nick himself concocted!

i give you my first movie.

Admittedly its a bit rough but then so was i.

ruud kerouac.

Update: Splice's Greatest Films Ever Made To Come Out In The 90's (the 1990's)

Here's a wee update on how part 1 of Ruud's masterplan is coming along.

Grosse Point Blank has been thoroughly watched by our collected four eyes so expect Ruud's write up anytime now followed by my counter.

Then it's my turn to pick a film. Hmm, what to torture Ruud with I wonder...

In about four years time we'll have a list of films, and some of them might even be ones you want to watch so keep you're eyes peeled!

Happy Bloody Easter

Great* Lines from the Movies *Interpretations of great may differ from mines Part 8

Oh man, if you can't fry it, I won't eat it!

Private Washburn played by Don Cheadle in the fantastic war film Hamburger Hill. He is describing his feelings on for want of a better phrase, licking womens holes. I think he summed up his feelings well.

Can't recommend the film enough incidentally.