Hello!

Welcome to Splice 2.0 (I think that's how the kids say it I don't fuckin' know, who do they think they are anyway with their parties and ridiculous hairdos?), or Splice wae some shitey video bits not taped off a phone! Here's the tester video that I made just so I could fart about with all the graphics and effects and the like! Enjoy:




The battery was running out after I farted about with it so the quality's not great. I'll try and work some kinks out in the not too distant future!

Edit: the mic's not up to much so the letter "s" is causing some problems. This means any video posting's sound will be terrible but I'll try to work something out. Ah the amateur attempts of a bum to do "internet" things!

Cloverfield: If You Haven't Seen It Here's What You're Missing

Happy Valentine's Day

Indy 4 Trailer

A little bit of pee came out when I watched this!

STRIKE OVER!

That's right. Now the scriptwriters can get on with National Treasure 3, Cloverfield The Return and remakes of Halloween 2 and Motel Hell!

CT: Oozing Skull

So I've finally gotten a hold of The Oozing Skull (AKA Brain Of Blood) Cinematic Titanic's first release thanks to a surrogate on a message board due to it still not being available outside the US of A. A tip if you want it, don't go on eBay, dodgy copies and $75 postage cheeky fucker. Go on one of the riffing message boards and see if a surrogate will get it for you, at no additional costs of course apart from the genuine postage amount (less than $5).

So if you're going to all the hassle as a non-yank what do you get? Well it's Mystery Science Theater 3000 by another name isn't it? Gloopy B-movie, check. Silhouetted riffers on screen, check. Funny as that bloke popping his glass eye in his pint when he goes to the toilet so he can "keep an eye on it", check. See as great as Mike Nelson's Legends releases, The Film Crew and Rifftrax have been, and for the most part they have been just that, they are not MST3K. Cinematic Titanic obviously isn't either but it is the closest you're going to get in these split camp Mallon tiff days.

The first thing that has to be noted is how fantastic it is to have all of these people back riffing. All did in some capacity pre-CT but it was either limited or a very long time ago. Obviously this means that things are a tad rusty at first. The first fifteen minutes are a bit low key on the riffing front. Then something wonderful happens. We get a brain transplant. Suddenly the riffing kicks intolife and these guys become comfortable to be back in the riff-seats (not a real product). The movie helps as it is indeed bad, in a strangely enjoyable way, and after the talky opening presents low speed car chases, a deformed monster/mentally handicapped man/leader of some nondescript Asain nation post-head slice, a very strange looking woman who is more cosmetic product and hairspray than carbon based, a fight on a rooftop, and some crap about a woman who can't escape from a basement because she decides not to bother checking if the key to the door's on that big ring of keys in her hand. Oh and there's a midget. Checklists for cheesy movies are so covered in ticks right now it looks like Einstein done your homework for you.

As I said it's great to have this bunch back and the particular brand of riffing that comes with it. CT has the more laid back, early MST3K feel to it, full of goofy pop culture references and songs about toys. It acts as a nice counterbalance to Rifftrax's utter contempt for everything that appears on celluloid, though there is a visceral thrill to be had from that as well.

The question has to be asked exactly what the premise of the show is at the moment, the whole time tube at the end suggests that there is one, but at this point clues aren't forthcoming as the show starts with the riffers walking in and the movie starting. The host segments occur in silhouette in front of the paused movie as well and as a result feature sight gags about the frozen screen behind them at times. Mind you Frank's bit with the vomiting is classic. Nothing makes me laugh more than a trumpet player being sick in a bin.

And that pretty much sums up why I loved the first Cinematic Titanic outing. I'm just wired that way. It's kooky and the riffing's cute, as well as hilarious of course. I for one look forward to more in the not too distant future (see what I did there? Christ I'm such a geek!) no matter what sort of problems there may be in getting a hold of it for non-Americans. If you are one of those (a good chance) I say it's definitely worth it though, just make sure you arrange to get it from somebody who doesn't rip you off and is getting the disc straight from EZ-Takes so that the people involved get their dues and the money to finance future titles.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

The rock biopic. What is supposedly a truthful account of an important and colourful life but in fact turns out to be as fanciful as a government press release. Of course the major problem is that for the most part their subjects merely made music, music that didn't really change the world much. Then of course they got hooked on drugs, destroyed a few marriages and became so self-obsessed and whiny that their own bandmates had trouble hanging around them. It's not really much of a film is it? So the embellishments start. A little extra relationship here, a little changed the political shape of the world here. All the while surrounded by the great and good of rock 'n' roll's hall of fame. Add some childhood trauma and/or a physical deformity that they have to overcome and Womp-bomp-a-loom-op-a-womp-bam-boom! you've got the "Greatest Story(that's about a musician and stuff) Ever Told (c)".

Let's be honest if it wasn't for this cavalier attitude to the truth rock biopics would be rubbish. Judd Apatow and Jake Kasdan realise this and love them for it. Thus we have their version of the rock biopic Walk Hard. It's the story of fake rock legend Dewey Cox and as you can expect from this sort of exercise he's went through every cliche in the rock book, from the twelve-year-old girlfriend to musical experiments that involve African percussionists and a goat. The film isn't a spoof of actual bands like This Is Spinal Tap though, it is squarely apeing the rock biopic and as such the entire thing is constructed to make you aware that this is the movie version of Cox's life and not actual footage, like in the aforementioned Tap's fake documentary aesthetic.

This means there are many wink, wink moments, such as the stilted dialogue and references to exactly what decade the scene is taking place in and how important things are happening around them. There are also the attempts to ramp up the drama, such as Cox overcoming the inability to smell to make his music or the wonderful rehab sequence.

What you'll notice about Walk Hard is the difference in tone from the other recent Apatow comedies, such as Knocked Up, Superbad and 40 Year Old Virgin. Gone are the real-life situations and outrageous improvised dialogue, and in their place comes a humour that is both more surreal yet more subtle at the same time. The actual situations of the film strive for the ridiculous, yet most of the funniest jokes are plays on words, or suggestive visual gags, such as the ice cream scene. The thing is that the film is never quite laugh-out loud funny as a result. What you get instead is a film that is consistently humourous but at times the tone can be slightly muddled. The lack of improvisation means that the dialogue is never quite as riotous as those previous films. Instead of in-your-face arse and tit jokes there are lines that allude to arses and tits. When this is then juxtaposed with a brother who is sawed in half and Dewey spending a fortnight on a trampoline thanks to drugs it's clear that sometime during the writing process Apatow and Kasdan became a little unclear just what exactly the tone of the film was supposed to be.

Confused tone and a lack of belly-laughs aside, Walk Hard is still a damn enjoyable comedy with many great moments, Dewey meeting the Beatles is one of the best scenes of the past year, and the songs are absolutely fantastic. The fact that this didn't get an Oscar nomination for Best Song shows you the Academy's aversion to comedies. The cast are great too, John C. Reilly is genuinely funny for a "serious" actor doing a comic role and it's great to see Jenna Fischer getting something to do besides the straight woman, as great at that as she is. Add in a who's who of Apatow sponsored actors as the supporting cast to really seal the deal. Much like a great aging rocker like a Dylan or a Wilson Walk Hard drops a few Empire Burlesque style clangers but the good stuff overshadows it and ultimately you'll be able to forgive those faults because the good stuff really is that, good.

The List and Metro Ecosse Short Film Competition

Got an email bringing my attention to this competition, the reason i got it was simple, i entered last year, got nowhere but hey, god loves a trier!

Last year it was the "one minute wonder" competition but this year that has been increased to three. It also has a theme this year it "BIG", films have to be set in Scotland and its all due in on Friday so if i am entering then i better get my skates on. Checking the winners from last year i may have to raise the bar to have a chance (incidentally, i have no chance, i just havent told myself yet) and you can check them out yourgood slef as they have been made and look super duper.

http://www.list.co.uk/article/5804-one-minute-wonder-minute-masters/

All very good but surely my effort would have been just a s good? No? judge for yourself, here is my script, the theme was fear or something, pretty sure it was fear, anyway, typing as i am right now it would probably have been a better idea to film my script myself and show it as a wee link, ah well, maybe something to do on a rainy day. Expect to see this years entry as soon as The List and Metro Ecosse have kindly discarded it with a thank you.

though i still hold out hope!

Here it is, unedited, what i entered last year, I called it (Il)Logical Fear, which i am still not sure whether it is a good title.

(IL)LOGICAL FEAR


INT. BEDROOM. DAY
Ryan James, short hair and handsome, is lying in bed. He kicks out form under the covers in his boxers and vest, he is reasonably tall.

RYAN
I have a fear of wild animals, not the daft zoo kind, fuck, I am from the west of Scotland, what chance do I have of seeing a fucking lion or bear stoating around town? None no its something equally as wild but far more common that fills me with dread, its………

EXT. AYR RIVER. DAY

Ryan stands at the side of the river as seagulls sit on the wall behind him. An old woman is walking in the distance.

RYAN
Seagulls. Look at them, but I suppose its not even seagulls, of which these are not, these aren’t birds that nest on cliffs, feeding fish to their young. These are a vicious mutation, the Towngull. These fuckers have never eaten a fish or seen the sea in their lives, they were brought up on big macs, KFCs and meatball marinara subs, they eat anything, including their own! and as such have mutated into the beast we see today. When I was a pup they were small timid things which flew away when you approached them, not the mutant spawns of satan flying in the skies today. Now they are built like ends of buses, they have a wing span of around seven feet, zero fear and a real fuck you attitude.

The old woman takes out a bag of bread and starts throwing it at the seagulls, they fly in from all directions.

RYAN
For fuck sake you silly old witch! They are scavenging bastards, they are going to take over the world!

EXT. KILMARNOCK TOWN CENTRE. DAY
Ryan stands across the road from MacDonalds. He starts to walk up a street.

RYAN
And that is the thing that scares me the most, I actually believe that. I actually believe they will take over the world. Why? Because they are sharp as fuck, or sleekit as my granny would say. I attempted to walk up this street here last summer, now this was when the young had hatched and had developed to those horrible grey things that can’t fly and so waddle about the streets when they fall out their nest. Now this street is Sea, sorry Towngull central, every roof has a family, I started walking, but I was watching too, I spotted one, eying me up as if to say, one more step, just one more, I fucking dare you! I will swoop, don’t you kid yourself on, I fucking will, I will swoop, and I am looking back saying, look please, I don’t want to touch your baby, just let me pass in peace. Fuck you, it says. And do you know I turned around and took a twenty minute detour.

Camera takes the path that Ryan took but faster. It reaches he point at the top of the road which is visible from the starting point.

RYAN
To here!

EXT. QUEENS DRIVE, KILMARNOCK. DAY

RYAN
And they are scared of nothing. I was cycling on this road, so there I am, cycling in the cycle lane, behind a car which was behind another car which was about fifty odd yards ahead, the driver of the first car, a complete dickhead, threw out a half bag of chips, fucking chips! At this the seagulls pounced, loads of them! Laying into these chips, as the car in front of me approached the most flew away except one which got cracked by the car. Slevers and god knows what flew, landing on my hand and face, the most disgusting thing ever, the seagull was out cold, I cheered, on the inside mind, didn’t want one of the ones that got away clocking me cheering and swooping because of my joy. But what happened next, the fucker got up. And not only did it get up, it did so by kicking of its shoulders like a wrestler onto its feet and flew away.

INT. RYANS BEDROOM. DAY
Ryan is back under the covers with his hands clasped behind his head.

RYAN
That was my proof that they are evolving into something to fear, fuck global warming, it’s the gulls that will get us. And it will be the swooping that does it, the swooping I predict will see the town gull inherit the earth. I am just waiting on the first swoop that’s too low and leaves a beak embedded in a face. Then it will be war, man versus beast, and I for one am terrified. You might see this as the wild ranting of a crazy man, and hopefully your right, however I am going to stay here, here I am safe. Remember to duck.

Ryan rolls over in his bed. A seagull lands on the window ledge.
(Theme from Hitchcock’s The Birds Plays)

END

A one man monologue set in Kilmarnock largely by someone remarkably similar in stature to myself, oh well that' be a typically self indulgent piece from me then!

Fingers crossed for me.

Ruud Kerouac

Green Lit: Ruud in February

well after my big promises at the begining of january as to what i would be delivering on this very page what did i actually achieve?

well a review of enchanted from my list was posted and some more was covered in No Country for Old Men, Grindhouse and I am Legend still remain unchartered teritory. A look at the murky world of broken dreams and actually the careers of old favourites of mine that is the Razzie nominations wasn't expected but was delivered (possibly not wanted but we can gild over that fact), and frankly, thats it.

Lets face it, a better return than the whole of 2007 but still i failed to deliver and for this i am sorry, eternally sorry, aye right.

But i am a man of my word, I will simply roll it over to February, why not, havent much else to do, so here goes:

1. Reviews of Grindhouse cos i have seen it and Iam Legend cos i said i would. Plus some other stuff if i see it, i am making a real effort to see new releases, a big undertaking for me.

2. my review of my xmas film viewing.

3. the channel 5 best 80s films result, fair?

4. some sports movies looked back on fondly.

5. stuff i remember seeing at the old Killie picturehouse, as self indulgent as it sounds.

new stuff also

6. Danny Dyer: life in front of the lense, am i wrong to think he is a pain in the erse?

7. Stuff in 2008 i look forward to most.

8. a start of a series in which i look at films that for some reason i think are crap and have another look to see if i was wrong. starting with saving Private Ryan.

and thats probably it, or probably not.

fingers crossed.

Ruud Kerouac

Weird Al Guests On Rifftrax

Calling fans of Weird Al Yankovic, he's the latest person to guest on Rifftrax, Mike Nelson's downloadable commentary project. The film they're riffing on is one of my personal all time favourites, Jurassic Park.

Here's a wee video of them riffing on a scene:



If you haven't experienced Rifftrax yet then I can't imagine a better time to start!